Still Deciding

I lay there in the foetal position, tears pouring from my eyes. I didn't even realise that I no longer had underwear on, all I could feel was scared, alone and violated. It was in this position that Tina found me half an hour later. I think she knew right away what had happened. I vaguely remember her helping me into the shower. Somehow it made me feel cleaner.

I woke up the next morning to the smell of bacon and eggs cooking. Looking over at the clock next to my bed I found that it was 6:30. Still tired I stumbled out of bed and towards the kitchen.

"Good morning." Tina said with a smile on her face. "I was hoping the smell of breakfast might lure you out of bed." She took some bacon out of a pan, placed it on a plate for me along with some fried egg and then got herself the same. I dug in. Not having consumed anything since the hot chocolate Josh had bought me the previous afternoon, I was desperately hungry.

Tina finally interrupted the silence. "Do you want to talk about what happened?"

"No." I said it so forcefully that even I was shocked. "I mean. I just want to forget it ever happened."

"You're sure? You should at least tell the police." Tina said. She reached out for my hand, a friendly, comforting gesture but I pulled away.

"No. I just want to forget." At that I laughed. It was ironic that I wished more than anything that I could forget this but I would do anything for the rest of my memory to return. Tina looked at me concernedly.

"Really. I'll feel much better if I can just pretend it never happened." She continued to gaze intently at me. "I got out of bed didn't I? I didn't cry all night. Sure I cried a little, but that's to be expected, isn't it? But most importantly, I'm not scared of him." Still she looked at me. It looked like she was arguing with herself in her mind. Eventually her eyes dropped and she continued to eat her breakfast.

At 8:30 Tina drove me to school again. The ride was silent until she asked, "Are you sure you want to go to school? You can stay home if you want."

"Yes. Like I said, it will be better for me if I can just forget. School will be a good distraction." I smiled to her, I could tell though that she didn't believe me.

My second day was no better than the first. Thankfully I didn't have maths again until Thursday, so I would hopefully have two days where I would not have to see... him.

I had chemistry period three and I made my way to the room with the hope that I would get to speak to Josh. But what would I say to him? Should I tell him what happened? Or should I just pretend to be fine? I've only just met him, maybe this would be too much for our new friendship? Full of doubts and questions I sat down once more in the front row.

"Hey Ellie." Josh said shyly as he sat down in the spot next to me.

"Hi." I replied, smiling at him.

"So, how was your walk with Justin?" He asked curiously. I flinched at the sound of his name. Josh noticed. "What happened? What did he do to you?"

I took a deep breath. "I'll tell you after school, okay?" With that we sat silently for the rest of the lesson.

The bell went signaling the end of the period and Josh turned to me once more. "I'll meet you at your locker?" I nodded giving him a small smile.

[-----]

"So, Josh. Do you like that new girl?" Amber was always straight to the point. She knew that I was still only just getting over Paige. The girl, who coincidentally was supposed to be one of her best friends.

"I don't know. I've only known her for a day. And her name's Ellie." I replied.

"Isn't that the name that-" Amber began.

"Yes." I interrupted her, not wanting her to mention Paige's name. I never got the chance to tell Paige how I felt about her. And then she was gone. Just like that. No one knew what happened to her and her body was never found. I felt sadness fill me up again and then realised that Amber was still staring at me. We were sitting together in the front row of our Physics class along with Jane, Gabrielle and Charlotte.

"-Paige always liked?" Amber finished anyway. I tried to suppress my sigh. Thankfully, the teacher began speaking and Amber was unable to hear it.

[-----]

I pulled my bag from my locker and shoved my chucks on my feet. I shut my locker and turned around to find Josh standing, waiting for me.

"Hey." I said with a smile.

"Hi. -" he said and was unable to continue when a girl came up next to him.

"Hello." She said with a huge smile. "I'm Amber. Josh's friend."

"Hi." I said timidly. She seemed the overly confident type, the type that first impressions really lasted on. "I'm Ellie."

"That's a cool name. One of my - our old friends used to really love that name. Didn't she Josh?"

"Yes." Said Josh grudgingly. He seemed to flinch away when Amber said "old friends".

'That's.... interesting." Already, I could tell about myself that I had never been very good with words, or knowing what to say in general.

"So, Ellie, have you made any other friends other than my Josh here?" Amber asked, very over politely. I simply shook my head.

"Really? I'm sure Josh told me yesterday that you were meeting someone at The Plaza." She scratched the back of her neck innocently, thinking she had caught me out in a lie.

I didn't know what to say to her. The truth was that yes, I did meet someone, but it would have been lieing to that that.... someone was a friend.

"They never turned up." Josh saved me, I thanked him internally. "Probably just some stupid, jerks being mean to the new girl."

"Ohh." Was all Amber could say. At least, before he turned up.

"Hey sweetie." He said and put his arm over my shoulder. I winced and withdrew into myself, probably appearing to physically become smaller, but it was difficult to be discreet when Josh and Amber were right there staring at us.

"Go away." I said, not looking at him. I desperately wanted to shut my eyes and slowly sink onto the floor into a tiny little ball. Unfortunately, I couldn't even build up the strength to touch his arm so as to push it off me, let alone walk away from him or curl into a ball.

"What do you want, Justin?" Amber asked with a sneer. I winced at the sound of his name. And then again when he spoke.

"Just to see my little, Ellie here." He said confidently, and it was a relief to feel the weight of his arm be removed from my shoulders. I stared off into the distance and tried to block out the sound of his voice, slowly moving away from him and towards where Josh and Amber were standing.

"Where do you think you're going?" Justin asked in a sickly, sweet voice.

"Away from you." Now that the shock and - I hate to say it - fear because of him being there had worn off a little I was again feeling much more confident in myself.

I walked away from the locker bay and towards the gate. A few seconds later someone came jogging up behind me, I didn't turn around to see who it was but when he began speaking I could tell is was Josh.

"What did he do to you, Ellie?" he asked kindly.

"I'd rather not talk about it." In fact, I don't even want to think about it. I though to myself.

"Okay. But I know it can't have been anything good. The way you recoiled from him like that, you looked like a little girl who'd just seen the boogey man or something." He joked, but I couldn't find it in my heart to laugh.

We walked in slience for a while. It was good though, it wasn't an awkward silence, it was just... Silence.

"He's done stuff to girls before you know." Josh eventually said.

"Really?" I asked uninterestedly. "What kind of stuff?" I didn't really want - or need - the answer.

"He's never gotten in trouble for anything.... But everyone at school knows. Even some of the younger, female teachers have left the school because of him.

"Huh. You don't say?" I kept my voice neutral. But from what Josh was saying I think he already knew what he had done.

"You should really tell the police what happened." He said finally.

"Oh, just go away would you Josh? I already said I don't want to talk about it!" Shocked at how I had just spoken I rushed quickly accross the road and back to Tina's apartment, leaving Josh standing there alone and confused.

The one thing I made sure to do before crawling under my doona was lock the door of the apartment. Then I felt safe and easily drifted off to sleep.