Nevada to Florida, With Heat and Heartache

The summer of 2010. It was hot here in Nevada, but that was pretty much every summer. Somehow though, 2010 had a different vibe. Like if I didn't get out quick, I never would. It felt as if I was going to stay in that hot ass town until I melted right off the earth and sank all the way down to the core, where everything else was just as heated.
My friend Quincy and I had theories on why this summer felt so significant. Her, coming from the religious family she did, said it was god. She told me if I felt as if Jesus was leading me out, that I shouldn't stay where the devil holds me. I'll never comprehend what that meant, but I think most people raised in a similar atheist household to mine wouldn't either. Quincy's mother was from Mexico, but Quincy's dad had been from Chicago. She'd always been very different and very similar to everyone else in our town, miraculously, at the same time.
Even if she said it was Jesus and I just couldn't be down with that, I took the advice.
I have to say, even now, I constantly thank whatever lead me out. It was a different kind of experience I got after leaving. One that everyone wishes they had, and so few people get the chance to have.
It lead me to Florida. Of course I took trains, and used up all the money I'd earned from working 3 jobs that year and the year before, but getting to the most tropical place I could get was worth it.
Most would think California would've been better. Closer in proximity, cheaper, what have you. But I needed to be far. I needed to leave my mother, and the shit hole of a house we lived in, in the disgusting corner of America that nobody truly loves. Even the people of Nevada, Utah, and New Mexico don't even love it that much. They put up with it.

So I went all the way to Florida, making the least amount of stops I could. I ate at the Waffle House in Louisiana, and at Hardy's in Georgia, but I didn't site see, or take pictures.
Just me, my one suit case, and minimal fast food breaks in between boarding trains.
I ended up finding an add for a room mate online in Key West. The add said the guy was looking for some company and help at his bar. He said he was 22 and looking for someone around his age, and even though I was 19 I figured it was close enough. I called from my last train stop to speak to him, and he said since I was the first person to call in 3 weeks he would take me. After that I called back home to update Quincy.
She told me how proud she was that I was brave enough to get this far. I was just as surprised as she was that I even got this far. I got to Key west after long few days and went straight to the address that was given over the phone to meet the rest of this story.
Parker Burke was beautiful, to say the least. He had the whole native beach bum vibe going, sandy blonde hair, shell necklace, a tee shirt advertising a local skate shop. He was tall and lean, not looking overly muscular. He gave me a warm smile and said "Jack Marina?" And with a nod from me he added "Come inside."
His place was a bar on the bottom level, and an apartment up top. The bar had skate boards on the wall and a broken surf board above the counter. There were a few tables, a couch near the back under some colored lights, and a lot of ridiculously tacky tikis. Parker brushed hair out of his eyes and shrugged. "It's not beautiful but it's getting there. It was my dad's and I'm slowly giving it my own flair. His style was very different."
We walked up stairs to where my room was. It was plain, a queen sized mattress in the center that had black sheets on it. The walls were a dark blue, and there was a tv on a black dresser. "It's uh," I didn't really know what to say "dark." Parker chuckled. "My sister was very gothic. She moved out a few years ago when she married some dude from Orlando who's in real estate. She sends post cards." He sat down on the bed and patted next to him. "You can redecorate eventually, if that's your thing." In my head I was thinking
my thing is whatever you want. Because, let's face it. This guy is one attractive bastard. "Alright, sounds cool." God, I'm such an idiot when I try to be suave. Parker instantly, and quite visibly, changed moods. Back from kinda casual to "you're just a room mate" mood. "I'm not charging rent because you're my new bar tender. Shifts are 9pm to 2am and you'll be working with Cameron, or you could get the afternoon shifts with Jade which are 12pm-7pm. Don't steal any drinks from the bar, since you're 19. If you really wanna get smashed ask first." With that he stood up and left the room.
I checked my watch. 8pm. Break time for the girls I'd work with.
I walked down stairs and saw two girls sitting together on bar stools drinking what looks like sangria and the other drinking coke, probably with rum in it. Great, I thought, alcoholics.
"Hi.. Uh my name is Jack. I'm gonna be working here and I'm moving in with Parker." I extended my hand like an idiot, and the one drinking sangria shook it awkwardly.
"I'm Jade." She said. She had dark brown hair and wore a white crop top and high jeans. She was pretty, but hell what do I know about women.
The other one gave me a grin and extended her hand. "Hey sweetie. My name is Cameron, but everyone calls me Cammy."
Cammy had a heart shaped face and blonde hair. She looked like she could be related to my mom, green eyes and all.
"Yeah, I guess I start training tonight..?" I wasn't sure on the details, Parker barely briefed me on anything, just assuming I'd settle right in. This place was comfortable though. The bar didn't smell like bar, it had a vanilla and coconut scent.
"Well I'm leaving now, my boyfriend and I are gonna go out to dinner. Cam, you'll show him the ropes right?" I could tell Jade didn't wanna teach me, or even talk to me, so I respected that. I've been here a few hours and I'm already crushing over my room mate and feeling unloved by my coworker. Great.
"Yeah that should be cool." Cammy said taking my hand and pulling my behind the bar.

The next few days were kind of a blur. My clothes were all put into the dresser and closet and I pretty much got the hang of how to work the washer and dryer and all the kitchen appliances.
Bar tending was more strenuous then you would think. I probably didn't work that hard in 12 years of school than I did in that one week of memorizing drink recipes.
Cammy was a good teacher, and almost reminded me of Quincy. Come to think of it they probably would've made good friends. Back home in Nevada, everyone in my town was nice and just as welcoming as her. Except my mother. My mother was god damn crazy.
That's not what this story is about though. This story is about leaving that hot, crazy, place.

Parker was either very distant or very close. We watched tv together on his leather sofa in our boxers in the mornings, and he made pretty good food. He always cooked up something for me during my breaks.
He usually worked the night shifts with me and Cammy. Half the days I was working nights and the other half I was working afternoons. Jade and I didn't hit it off until two weeks in, when she mentioned Blink 182. I knew we'd be good friends after that, and we were. We'd play our music when there weren't a lot of people in the bar, and Parker didn't seem to really care.
It all had a good vibe.
Parker sometimes got in moods where we wouldn't talk too much, and then he'd switch back in to his adorable self. In my third week of being there he came in to my room around 3am, after the bar was closed and asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him in his room.
Of course I said yes, I mean he was hot as Nevada on a September day.
I hadn't been in his room much. It had a few pictures on a desk, with a blue work lamp and some knick knacks and scattered pens on it. His bed had tons of pillows and a few teddy bears. This shaggy skater kid, had God damn teddy bears and a painting of a wolf above his bed.
I sat down on his bed next to him and he started up the movie. We sat there for a while until he cuddled up against me.
I'd always knew I liked boys, but I never dated anyone. So a cute 22 year old cuddling with me was totally foreign. I put my arms around him.
After cuddling for most of the movie he looked up at me and stared in to my eyes. His were blue, but not like the sky or the ocean. A deeper blue.. Something unnaturally shimmery and unfathomably mesmerizing. He leaned in and softly brushed my lips for no more than a few seconds before pulling away slightly.
You can imagine how much that threw me for a loop.
It took me a moment to collect myself before I pulled him back in and started to kiss him gently. He grabbed me, pulling me over him until I was on top, straddling him. We were getting rougher now, moving faster against each other. He put his hands around my waist and I started to incorporate tongue. A lot of it.
This lasted for a while until the movie ended and I got off of him.
"I've liked you for a while now, Jack. When you first showed up to my door I knew I wanted you."
I had no idea what to say. I had been head over heals for him too, but since he had been so stand offish half the time, I didn't really think he felt the same.
Instead of saying anything I got back on the bed and started to kiss him again.
I didn't go back to my own room that night.

It went like that for a few days after that. After work Parker would cook for us, we'd have a few drinks, and end up making out on his bed. We weren't official, and definitely didn't say anything to our coworkers. However, one afternoon shift, on an uneventful Thursday, Jade just casually looked at me and said "you're sleeping with Park, aren't you?"
If I told you I was stunned, that would be an understatement. "Um, I wouldn't say that."
She kinda just laughed and mumbled something like "I thought so."
The costumers caught on soon too. The regular bar goers, like vodka Stevie (who came in every other Wednesday) started to notice how me and Parker acted around each other. Wendy, one of the girls who came solely to pick up on guys, asked me if Parker was any good in bed.
I wished at the time that I knew the answer.
Parker always laughed at these questions and gave stupid answers.
It was all fluff.

In July we started going out more. He took me to all the tourist attractions and went with my island to island.
We went to dinners and he even took me out on one of his friend's sailboats.
I remember it all.
He brought a picnic basket and laid down one of those checkered blankets you'd see in movies, and we watched the stars. Upon the ocean, off the coast of Florida, I fell deeper in love.
I started to notice every detail of him.
The way he walked, the way he loved to hold my hand and kiss me on the forehead. The way when he got nervous he licked his lips.
That was just too sexy.
Let's face it, HE was too sexy.

We started getting more and more serious, to the point where when Quincy had saved enough money to come down, I had to introduce him as my boyfriend.
Quincy, religious as she was, had never looked prouder of me in her life.
A Nevada boy trying to escape the heat and his mother found love on a small island working at a bar while under age.
Yeah, even to me, my story sounded perfect.
Not even like a dream, because dreams aren't that vivid. In dreams, you can't feel.
I felt him.
I felt this.
Quincy and Parker hit it off right away. You wouldn't think so, being so different. They got to the point where I felt like the three of us had known each other for years, and been best friends.
When she left, Parker dragged me up to his room and thew me down on the bed.
"I was trying to contain myself while she was here, but you make it so difficult Jack."
I had told him he didn't have to be too conservative, but he was trying to respect her.
He took my shirt off and kissed my lips first, then my cheek, then my neck. "Parker.." I moaned. My hands drifted to his jeans and he shifted slightly. I didn't pay attention at first, started to unbutton them. "Jack.." He stopped kissing and looked at me under him. "You don't.. Want to?" I was disappointed. I don't think you understand. He was probably hotter than Brad Pitt and Channing Tatum combined.
"Of course I do.." He hesitated "But I'm wondering if you're ready. If it were up to me right now I would rip off your jeans and have my way with you." I giggled at that. It didn't sound like a terrible idea. "However, I want to make sure that you're ready. Even though you're the one trying, I get the feeling you're only trying to push things that far to ensure you won't lose me. I want you to be ready."
Parker was always the rational one. That was for sure. That wasn't the last time I tried, but it also wasn't the only time he said no.

We lived together so happily. I didn't think I'd ever be that happy anywhere else.
He made me feel alive.
But when you've lived for so long, you forget you could die.
I forgot.

It was August. The 28th to be exact. We had taken a walk along the beach. I reached to grab his hand, and he pulled away.
"Park.. Are you okay?"
There were tears in his eyes. I'd never seen him cry. In months of being together, and going farther than I could've imagined, he'd never shown any emotions besides the positive ones. It was foreign.
"This needs to end." He said, with a straight face.
"What?"
"Jack, we're stuck in the same routine. We've done everything that can be done, and it's just gotten so boring. I still love you, but as you left your home to have fun and make a new life, all I can think about is doing the same."
He wiped away a single tear.
"Okay... Then we can leave. We can go off together. We can break the routine."
It didn't even look like he considered it.
"No. I have to go by myself. You didn't bring Quincy with you here."
"I DON'T LOVE QUINCY LIKE I LOVE YOU." Tears were escaping my eyes now, and fast. I could tell my face was red. The last time I cried like this was when my father left us.
"I still love you.. But I can't.. You have to-"
I turned around, unable to face him anymore. "I don't have to do anything. Fuck you, Parker. Fuck your perfect hair. Fuck your eyes. Fuck your bar where I've made the best friends I've ever had besides Quincy. Fuck getting out of the heat. Fuck this entirely. Good bye."
And I left. That was the last time I ever saw Parker Burke in person.
I was so pissed, I took a cab back to Florida, and took the first train back to wherever. I reached Nevada a week later.
Crawling back to my mother was quite possibly the saddest thing I've ever had to do.
She took me back with open arms, saying she was worried sick. I almost said I didn't miss her at all, but I wasn't ready to start more fights.
My clothes showed up in boxes a month later. The only thing Parker wrote was a small note, simply saying "I'm sorry. Here - Park"

I started university in the fall, in California. I still missed him. I thought about him every single day. I dreamt of piña coladas and sexy blonde boys in the islands.
Late in my second semester, he called me from New York.
"Jack?" He sounded nervous
"What do you want?"
"Come with me. I have an apartment in New York City. I'm finally ready for us to be back together. Please."
"No. I'm in college, I've started my life over. It's a little late for you to finally be ready."
"I need you.."
"I need to get rid of you."
And with that I hung up.
I am forever thankful for that summer, and even more thankful I never went back to Nevada after that.
The reason this story has been documented is because I received a letter last week. It was really more of an invitation. Parker was throwing a grand opening party to his new bar in North Carolina.
I haven't thrown it out yet. I need to collect my thoughts.. Think about everything that happened with us.
5 years passing, and maybe I finally am ready.
But I walked away..