Psych Ward Stories
Hallucinations and the Need to Pee
My next memories are immediately of the ICU. I didn't understand where I was. Nurses spoke to me, but I couldn't understand them. My boyfriend was sitting beside the bed. He looked absolutely terrified. I felt at ease the moment I saw him. Everything before that moment was scary and I just wanted him there with me. He was there, sitting next to me.
What happened in that room comes in and out. I guess the nurses told my boyfriend to not let me fall asleep. He sat there just watching me. He didn't say much, but I did.
I kept telling him I needed to get up, but he told me I couldn't. I tried to sit up anyway, but I discovered I was attached to an IV and a heart monitor. It made me mad that I couldn't move, but I accepted defeat and put my head back down.
Hallucinations started soon after. I don't know if my eyes were open or not, but I remember hearing voices. I could hear them, but I didn't know what they were saying. I would snap back into focus and look at my boyfriend and say, “What?” He would just shake his head, “I didn't say anything.” I continued to have one-sided conversations. I would speak to the voices, but they didn't really respond. My boyfriend would be looking at me every time I came back into focus.
Hours passed, it seemed. I had to pee. I announced that I had to get up, to which I was given the same, “You can't.” I didn't understand why I couldn't leave. What was the purpose of me lying there in the ICU speaking to incoherent voices? I got mad, “I need to go to the bathroom.” My boyfriend told the nurse. “Why do you need to go to the bathroom?” The nurse asked. “I need to pee,” I said, more annoyed than ever.
Do you know that feeling when you really have to pee, but you don't have access to a bathroom right away? That was the type of annoyance I felt. All I wanted to do was get up, walk to a toilet, sit down, and pee. The nurse came back with a bed pan and placed it under me. That made me more mad. I didn't want a bed pan. I wanted a toilet.
Flashbacks to my childhood came in harsh. Whenever I would pee the bed, my mother would get angry. She would yell and hit me. I was mentally programmed to not ever pee while lying down. I couldn't go in the bed pan. All I did was complain that I had to pee and I wanted a toilet.
The nurse finally came in and inserted a catheter into my urethra. It hurt going in. “I'm going to poke this into your bladder and it's going to come out, okay?” The nurse was just doing his job, but I felt violated. I was more than uncomfortable. A strange man was pushing a tube up into my bladder. I was vulnerable and ashamed.
After the process, the nurse left and my boyfriend came back into the room. My memories are foggy of everything that happened in the ICU. I wish I could remember it all.
What happened in that room comes in and out. I guess the nurses told my boyfriend to not let me fall asleep. He sat there just watching me. He didn't say much, but I did.
I kept telling him I needed to get up, but he told me I couldn't. I tried to sit up anyway, but I discovered I was attached to an IV and a heart monitor. It made me mad that I couldn't move, but I accepted defeat and put my head back down.
Hallucinations started soon after. I don't know if my eyes were open or not, but I remember hearing voices. I could hear them, but I didn't know what they were saying. I would snap back into focus and look at my boyfriend and say, “What?” He would just shake his head, “I didn't say anything.” I continued to have one-sided conversations. I would speak to the voices, but they didn't really respond. My boyfriend would be looking at me every time I came back into focus.
Hours passed, it seemed. I had to pee. I announced that I had to get up, to which I was given the same, “You can't.” I didn't understand why I couldn't leave. What was the purpose of me lying there in the ICU speaking to incoherent voices? I got mad, “I need to go to the bathroom.” My boyfriend told the nurse. “Why do you need to go to the bathroom?” The nurse asked. “I need to pee,” I said, more annoyed than ever.
Do you know that feeling when you really have to pee, but you don't have access to a bathroom right away? That was the type of annoyance I felt. All I wanted to do was get up, walk to a toilet, sit down, and pee. The nurse came back with a bed pan and placed it under me. That made me more mad. I didn't want a bed pan. I wanted a toilet.
Flashbacks to my childhood came in harsh. Whenever I would pee the bed, my mother would get angry. She would yell and hit me. I was mentally programmed to not ever pee while lying down. I couldn't go in the bed pan. All I did was complain that I had to pee and I wanted a toilet.
The nurse finally came in and inserted a catheter into my urethra. It hurt going in. “I'm going to poke this into your bladder and it's going to come out, okay?” The nurse was just doing his job, but I felt violated. I was more than uncomfortable. A strange man was pushing a tube up into my bladder. I was vulnerable and ashamed.
After the process, the nurse left and my boyfriend came back into the room. My memories are foggy of everything that happened in the ICU. I wish I could remember it all.