Before I Knew You

Jiyong pounded on Seunghyun’s door. He couldn’t go to sleep like this, in this fight with Seunghyun. He’d watched him and Minkyu fall out from two tables away – or really, he’d watched Minkyu fall out with Seunghyun and Seunghyun barely respond. He wasn’t really mad at Minkyu. He was annoyed with Minkyu. He was mad at Seunghyun. For never telling him, for acting like it wasn’t a big deal, for kissing a boy who wasn’t Jiyong. How dare he kiss a boy and not kiss Jiyong?! And to say “It was before I knew you.” What the fuck. They’d met in middle school, Seunghyun hadn’t kissed anyone before he knew Jiyong. And then. And then! Their dicks touched? Seunghyun’s dick had touched another dick that wasn’t Jiyong’s dick?! Okay, through their clothes, but for Seunghyun to tell him that right before he had to go in there and smile in pictures with the very owner of the dick Jiyong was so intensely envious of?! Unbelievable.

It wasn’t fucking fair. Jiyong had no qualms about his feelings for Seunghyun: He was into him. Sexually. It wasn’t like he wanted to marry the guy (though he did sometimes think of how nice that would be to just live with Seunghyun and see him all the time and sleep in the same bed with him every night). He just wanted to try some things and he wanted to try them with Seunghyun, who was beautiful and sweet and had long fingers and, Jiyong was pretty sure after years of observation, a very nicely sized bulge. Jiyong had read about prostate stimulation and multiple male orgasms and god, it could be such a good adventure for them! Who better to do it with? It wasn’t like Jiyong didn’t have other offers. He was saving certain things because he thought they had an understanding. And because, really, when you were sitting next to an Adonis who loved you, it was hard to be too interested in anyone else. The only thing standing between them and Jiyong’s fantasies, the only thing, was Seunghyun’s stubborn black-and-white view of sexualtiy. And all that time – all that time – Seunghyun had already kissed another guy and their dicks had touched! He’d already crossed that line with someone else and didn’t even have the decency to cross it with Jiyong!

Jiyong felt like he was having a panic attack when Minkyu told him. In the space of three seconds he’d questioned everything: Did Seunghyun care about him at all? Was Jiyong not as attractive as he thought he was? Did Seunghyun feel closer to his high school friends than he did to Jiyong? Did he trust them more? What on earth had Jiyong done wrong?

When Seunghyun opened the door, Jiyong stormed in without comment. He stood in the middle of the room, arms crossed, foot tapping, and raised an eyebrow.

“Look, Jiyongie. I’m sorry. I’m sorry Minkyu was such an asshole all day and I’m sorry he told you about...that, in that way. I’m sorry I wasn’t the one to tell you.”

Seunghyun had loosened his tie and undone the top two buttons of his shirt. Jiyong’s resolve instantly faded. That beautiful bastard. He managed not to say anything.

“And...I’m sorry...I’m sorry if I led you on, or, or something.”

“Oh, fuck you Hyung,” Jiyong said. Seunghyun’s eyes got even bigger with shock. “Don’t you look at me like that! You knew how I felt!”

“Well, I mean, I…” Seunghyun sputtered.

“You knew!”

“Jiyong...are you….are you, like, gay, or something?”

Jiyong rolled his eyes. “No, I’m not gay. Aigoo, you are such a fucking idiot. I’m just not hampered by the bullshit constructs of gender and masculinity, okay?”

“So,” Seunghyun said hesitantly. “Does that mean, you’ve like...have you hooked up with guys?”

Jiyong felt a blush rise in his cheeks despite himself. “Not really,” he said. Which was true. He’d never really fucked a guy. There had been some kisses and some groping and a few blowjobs, but that was it. “Listen,” he said, anxious to take back control of the conversation. “If you want to pretend you don’t know already then whatever. I’m just going to lay it all out for you right now. We love each other. Obviously. We’re best friends. We trust each other. We also happen to be two very good-looking men. We also get to spend time alone together without it raising any eyebrows, which is rare for us. All of this makes us ideal partners for sexual experimentation. There are things I can do for you, Hyung, that would blow your mind. And I haven’t done them for anyone else because I wanted to do them with you because you’re one of my closest friends and I’m really into you. And if the reason we’re not doing those things is because you’re not open-minded enough at this moment then that’s okay, because I’ll wait and I’ll work on opening your mind bit by bit. But if the reason is anything else, then I want a fucking explanation.”

Seunghyun swallowed. Jiyong wanted to lick his Adam’s apple very badly. “I don’t have an explanation.”

“Well, why did you kiss Hyunsu?”

“I don’t know. We were drunk kids and we were kind of playing chicken and…”

“You never play chicken with me.”

“Well, I don’t know what would happen if I played chicken with you,” Seunghyun said, and that felt honest to Jiyong. And it felt like Seunghyun wasn’t always in complete control of his urges around Jiyong. And Jiyong liked that. “Jiyongie, it’s not what you think. I don’t like Hyunsu better than you, okay? I like you best. I like you better than anyone. I’m just, I’m not…”

“Okay,” said Jiyong suddenly, uncrossing his arms. He didn’t want Seunghyun to end that sentence. If he heard himself say it, he might start believe it, and Jiyong couldn’t have that.

“So we’re good?” Seunghyun asked, a shy smile creeping onto his face.

“Yeah, we’re good,” Jiyong said.

“Okay. Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to turn in.”

“All right,” Jiyong said. He sat down on the armchair across from the bed.

“So…” Seunghyun prompted.

“So…” Jiyong repeated.

“Well, I’m going to change into my pajamas and go to bed.”

“Yeah, I know,” Jiyong said. “I get to watch. I get to watch you change into your pajamas.”

“What?” Seunghyun sputtered. “No you don’t. Come on, Jiyongie…”

“No,” Jiyong said firmly, crossing his arms again. “After everything you put me through today, I earned it. You never change in front of me, but today you’re going to. Just today.” (Jiyong hoped very much it would not be just today, but he didn’t want to scare Seunghyun off.)

“I never change in front of anyone,” Seunghyun said. Jiyong knew this was true. Seunghyun wouldn’t even have sex with the lights on unless he was doing the girl from behind. He was very particular about being seen naked.

“Well, I’m not just anyone. I’m Kwon Jiyong. What do you think’s going to happen? I’m not going to take your picture. I’m not going to laugh at you. I’m just going to sit right here, and you’re going to change, and then I’ll go back to my room. That’s the deal.”

Seunghyun sighed. Jiyong knew he’d won. Everyone knew how stubborn he was once he’d gotten something into his head like this. “Fine,” Seunghyun said quietly. “Just today, this one time. And you don’t get to criticize me about it. And we don’t talk about it. Ever.”

“I want to be able to talk about it. Just with you, though. I won’t if anyone else is around.”

“All right, fine,” Seunghyun said, as he pulled off his tie and unbuttoned and removed his shirt. And then, without giving Jiyong even one moment to emotionally prepare, he whipped his undershirt over his head and threw it to the floor. Bastard, Jiyong thought as a smile twisted his lips.

It was what Jiyong had expected (and he’d thought about this a lot): some stretch marks, the faint hint of a scar from the liposuction he’d have to get rid of those last stubborn bits of pudge no number of crunches could erase. And the skin was pale, much paler than his face. But really, really, he actually looked amazing. Those muscles hinted at beneath his shirts were very much in evidence. It was absolutely absurd that Seunghyun didn’t take his shirt off all the time. From afar, you wouldn’t even see the marks. A thick layer of spray-tan and he’d look as good as anyone. (No that wasn’t right – he’d look better, so much better; he already looked better than anyone Jiyong had ever seen.)

His pants came off next, which wasn’t as exciting because Jiyong had already seen him in basketball shorts and his underwear wasn’t that much smaller. To Jiyong’s immense disappointment, Seunghyun was already pulling on a pair of pajama pants.

“Hyung, aren’t you going to change your boxers?” Jiyong asked in as innocent a voice as he could manage.

“Fuck off,” Seunghyun said, pulling on a T-shirt. “Happy now?”

“Happier than I was,” Jiyong said lazily, unfolding himself from the chair. He hoped Seunghyun could see that he’d gotten just slightly hard watching that little show.

“You little pervert,” Seunghyun said.

“Yeah,” Jiyong agreed, “but you love me anyway.”

“Yeah,” Seunghyun said, “I do.” He smiled at Jiyong. “Now get the fuck out and let me sleep.”