Harder Than You Know

“Sitting in this room playing Russian Roulette,” I sang quietly to myself as I waited in the laundromat. I was currently doing the boy’s laundry. We’re about an hour away from my hometown in Nevada, but I was still on tour with them, filling in for their merch guy.

The buzzer on my machine went off and I removed the clothes from the dryer one by one, folding them as I did so.

As I walked out to one of the two vans we had, my ringtone went off. I sighed and dug my phone out of my pocket as I opened the back door to the van.

I groaned when I saw it was Max. I told him not to bother me. What does he want?

"Yeah, Max?" I asked, or at least tried to.

"Ashley! Something's ha-" All of his words ran together as he spoke quickly. I couldn't keep up or understand him.

"Max! Max, honey slow down I can't understand you. What happened?" I rose my voice over his.

He paused and took a deep breath, "Ronnie's been arrested."

I was suddenly pissed, and growled to myself, "Did you guys really go to meet those.. Those punks after I told you not to?"

The other line was quite and I hung up, hoping into the front seat of the van. I started it up and drove to the local jail, seeing that it wasn't too far away. About 30 minutes at the most maybe.

I was absolutely one hundred percent done with the boys right now, mainly my brother. He knows how I feel about all the stupid shit he does. I don't want him to end up like our brother did.

I groaned out loud, grabbing my phone and calling the venue the band is supposed to be playing at tonight. The boys are probably so worried about Ronnie that they forgot. I knew we couldn't afford to cancel, but we had to.

I briefly explained something had happened to Ronnie, not going into much detail, and told them we couldn't make it.

About a half hour later, I was outside of the jail. I quickly sent a tweet out to all the Escape the Fate fans about tonight's show before walking inside. The first thing I had to walk through was a metal detector, and go figure, it went off. An officer approached me and waved a different detector around me. It went off when it went near my labret piercing, but that was it.

I walked over to what seemed to be the reception area, if that's what it really is. It's just a half wall with a woman sitting behind a computer. She looked up at me, giving me a fake smile.

"I'm here for Ronnie Radke," I told her.

She shook her head, "His bail hasn't been posted yet. I can let you talk to him though."

I nodded and she simply directed me to the sitting area right across from her desk. I tapped my fingers on my knee, slightly nervous for what's going to happen to Ronnie. I could already see him getting mad at another inmate, or getting a prison tattoo.

It terrifies me to think of a drug withdrawn Ronnie in prison with no one to help him. Even if someone wanted to help him, he wouldn't allow it. I've tried so many times to get him off his drugs, but he always pushed me away. He never let me help, but I couldn't just give up on him.

I was broken out of my thoughts as an officer walked up to me.

"You here for Radke?" He asked.

I nodded and he motioned for me to follow him. He lead me to a room with phones you'd use at a pay phone and plexiglass windows desperation for visitors from the ones who are arrested. He told me where to sit and I sat down, waiting for them to bring in my brother.

Two officers brought him in, and go figure, he was trying to resist them. "Make it quick," one of them said as they made Ronnie sit down.

Well, I couldn't hear him, but I could read his lips. He rolled his eyes and we both picked up our phones.

He looked up at me and gave me a sad smile. "Hey, sis," Was the only thing he said.

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose, "What were you thinking?"

He didn't say anything. He bit on his lip and shook his head, "Listen, Ash. I don't want you or ETF to cancel the tour. Okay? I want you to finish it for me, there's only a week left."

I stared at him through the glass, shocked that he was asking this, "What? Ronnie I know I've sang with you once or twice before but this? Filling in for the frontman is crazy!"

"Please, Ash. I already told Max when I called him. Get your friend, what's her name? Kate? To fill in on merch." He pleaded.

I studied his appearance for a second. His eyes were completely clear of liner, and his hair was disheveled, more than usual. I could already tell he needed a hit from one of his many drugs. He looked miserable.

I sighed, but then nodded, "Okay. I'll do it. I wanna know when your court date is do you hear me?"

He nodded and before he could reply a police man tapped his shoulder, signaling his time is up.

"I love you, Ronald!" I said as he was forced to hang up the phone.

I hung up mine as well, and as they took him back, he looked over his shoulder and said "I love you too, sis."