Without You.

I couldn't take it anymore. I was at my wits end. If I stayed for one more moment, I would lose my mind. I wasn't so sure I could handle that. I had held so much inside for so long that I couldn't contain it any longer. I felt like a stranger to myself. The last few years, I was so busy trying to please everyone else that I had forgotten about me. I didn't know who I was anymore. I had to figure out what I wanted from life, in which direction I wanted to go.
Things hadn't always been so bad, there was a time when we were happy. Jacob and I had been together for four years. I met him the week after I left home and moved across the country. I had begun classes at the College enrolled in Dental Assisting and was working as a waitress. Jacob was a regular at the diner, always sitting alone in the same booth, seeming deep in thought. Always quiet and polite.
I never thought much of him until one night when at closing time, a man who had been harassing me all evening, refused to leave. He kept yelling that he was going to follow me home. For some reason unknown to me, I aways seemed to attract the creeps and crazies. I stayed as far behind the counter as I could, nervously telling him to leave. All of a sudden, Jacob stood quickly and walked swiftly up to the man.
"Listen here," he growled in his deep stern voice. "You leave the girl alone, you hear me?"
"Whatcha gonna do about it?" The man shot back as he stood. Jacob towered over him at 6'3. He may look slender, but he was pure muscle. Jacob took a step closer.
"I'll kick your ass." The tone in his voice made me feel slightly uneasy.
"I'd like to see you try!" He jeered.
The man swung his fist at Jacob, he dodged him and quickly grabbed the man by the scruff of his shirt. He looked kind of shocked as Jacob hauled him to the door, opened it and threw him out.
"Now leave, or I really will kick your ass!" Jacob yelled and slammed the door. The man lifted himself from the pavement, stood staring at us for a moment and then walked away.
"Thank you." I said, breathing a sigh of relief.
"How are you getting home?" Jacob asked with a frown.
He now stood at the counter, his piercing eyes staring down at me. He had the most beautiful eyes, a mixture of blue and grey with a thick black ring surrounding his irises. Jacob's features were dark, his eyebrows thick and perfectly arched, a slight stubble outlining his chiseled jaw. His hair was thick and straight, as black as night, just long enough to hide the tips of his ears. The bridge of his nose straight and narrow. His lips plump, so soft and pink.
"I usually walk." I told him, jolted from my thoughts as Jacob cleared his throat.
"Well I'll walk with you then."
"Oh no, you don't have to do that!" I protested.
"I have to make sure you get home safely."
And that was that. He walked me home every night for a year. When I had finished school and the office where I completed my practicum, hired me on full-time; Jacob finally asked me out. It all went swiftly from there, we had gotten to know each other well during the previous year. After dating a month, we moved in together. Things were wonderful, I was the happiest I'd ever been!
It was in the last two years that things had gone from bad to worse. Jacob's mother passed away and he couldn't cope with it. She meant the world to him; raising Jacob and his brother alone, while she worked two jobs. His mother hadn't had the same support as mine and things were a lot different for them.
Usually he would have some beers with his friends on the weekend, but after his mother died, Jacob began drinking heavily. At first I thought he just needed some time to grieve and that it would eventually stop, but after two years nothing had changed. Jacob became distant and we began fighting constantly.
Then around three months ago, my doctor gave me the news. I was pregnant. Jacob and I were going to have a baby. I was shocked, I left the office without saying a word. When I was alone in the car, I began to cry. I had gone through this once before. I was so angry at myself for letting it happen again. The worst feeling is when you discover you're pregnant and your heart is heavy, a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. I loved Jacob with all my heart and if circumstances were different, I would have been ecstatic, but that wasn't the case. I realized that I didn't want to bring a child into our lives. Our baby deserved much more than what we had to offer at this point in our lives. How could a child thrive in the toxic environment we had created? The thought made me feel sick with guilt.
I kept the news from Jacob for as long as I could. I was two months along when he began to notice something was wrong. I had the worst morning sickness that lasted throughout the day and I could barely eat. When I told him, Jacob held me close to his chest and pressed his lips to the top of my head. For the first time in a long time, I felt comforted in his arms.
"I'm sorry." He said gently after awhile.
"I know." I replied my voice quavering. I knew what he had meant and we stood in silence as he held me.
Jacob's drinking lessened slightly once he knew of our situation. For a brief moment I was hopeful, I felt as though things were finally looking up. Maybe everything would work out and we could be the happy little family I'd always wanted. As quickly as the feeling surfaced however, they came crashing down around me.
It all happened last weekend. The week had gone by considerably well; we weren't constantly screaming at each other, instead we sat cuddled in silence on the couch watching TV.
When Jacob didn't come home from work Friday evening, I tried calling his cell multiple times, but he had shut it off. Finally, I gave up trying, put on a movie and curled up in bed. I had been feeling terrible for days; exhausted from the overwhelming nausea, my stomach was squeezing and cramping, and to top it all off, I was spotting.
It was my cell phone that woke me up. The room now dark, the only light was the one from my phone as it rang.
"Hello?" I answered groggily.
"Hey Eva," it was Trey. I sighed, knowing it meant only one thing. "I'm sorry to wake you, but would you mind coming to get Jacob before he gets himself into trouble."
"I'll be right there."
It was one o'clock in the morning. He's already in trouble. I let out another deep sigh as my chest was filled with sadness and dread. I got up, turned on the light, pulled one of Jacobs sweaters over my head and left the house.
The closer I got to the bar, the angrier I became. How could he make me love him so much, yet despise him at the same time? I had been yanked back into reality. I should have known that it wouldn't last. I didn't want this for my child, for our child.
As I pulled into the parking lot, I could see four of Jacob's friends yelling at him. Jacob had some random girl pressed up against the brick wall, his hands touching her hips and his mouth on hers. My heart felt like it was being ripped apart. How could he do this to me? I parked and jumped out of the car as fast as I could.
"Jacob!" I screamed full of rage. I didn't care that people were watching.
Startled, he turned so quickly he lost his balance and almost fell.
"Eva.." Guilt immediately washed over his face. "It's not what it looks like."
"I don't know what it looks like to you, but it looks pretty fucking bad to me." I yelled at him.
"Nothing happened, I swear." Jacob pleaded, taking small steps towards me.
"And what would have happened, huh?" I just wanted to strangle him, I didn't think I'd ever felt that angry in my entire life. "What would've happened if they hadn't called me to come and get you?"
I pointed to his friends. Everyone was standing in awkward silence watching us, unsure of what to do.
"I'm sorry," Jacob said softly, he looked so ashamed. I couldn't take it anymore and the tears began rolling down my cheeks as we stared at each other, his big sad eyes boring a hole in mine.
"Just get in the car." I replied weakly and averting my eyes from the small crowd, I got in the car.
Jacob followed my lead and positioned himself in the passenger's seat. I felt awful, I was extremely nauseous and a sharp pain was building in my abdomen. My whole body was tense, my chest felt so heavy I could barely hold myself upright. Of all the things Jacob had done to me, this hurt the most.
"Eva," Jacob began, his voice cautious. "I swear nothing happened."
"You call groping some random ass hoe with your tongue shoved down her throat, for me and everyone else to see, nothing?"
"I'm drunk Eva, it meant nothing. I'm sorry, I really am!"
"I don't want to hear it." I told him coldly as we left the parking lot.
"Please Eva, you've gotta believe me!" Jacob placed his hand on my thigh and I brushed it off.
"Just drop it, okay?" I was so angry. He tried once more to place his hand on my leg, this time I shoved it away.
"Don't touch me!" I hissed.
"Don't be like this" Jacob sighed. "Come on Eva, I said I was sorry. What more do you want?"
All the emotions I had been keeping inside boiled over and I finally let them out. I was breaking, after all this time it was finally happening.
"What more do I want? What the fuck is wrong with you?" I screamed at him. "You're always drunk, that's no excuse! Don't you care about me? Do you ever stop to think about how I feel? We're going to have a baby together Jacob, a baby, and you're off getting hammered and making out with other women!"
I took my eyes off the road to glare at him, how could he be so dense? Suddenly, Jacobs eyes grew wide and he screamed my name, reaching for the wheel. I whipped my head back to the road to see a deer standing in the middle of the road not ten feet away, caught in our headlights. I slammed on the brakes and we were both violently jerked forward. I cried out in pain as the seat belt locked in place and dug sharply into my abdomen. As the car came to a complete stop on the side of the road, I immediately opened my door and threw up. Jacob got out from his side and stood on the shoulder, bent over as he vomited. I sobbed, my arms wrapped around my stomach as I rocked back and forth. The pain was becoming excruciating.
"Eva?" Jacob called out, his voice full of worry as he ran to my side. "Eva, are you alright?" I didn't reply, feeling the urge to vomit once again.
"Oh my god, please say something! Are you hurt?" He was panicked, kneeling in front of me.
"The baby." I cried still holding on to my stomach. "Jacob, I can't take it."
"What are you talking about?"
"I can't handle any more, I'm done with all of this!"
Jacob's face filled with shock as the realization of what I'd told him sunk in.
"Don't talk like that Eva," he said softly, his voice wobbling. "I know you're upset, but please don't say things you don't mean."
"But I do mean it," I sobbed. "Why did you do this to us?"
"Eva please," Jacob begged, cupping my face between his enormous hands. "I'm so sorry! I never meant for any of this to happen. You've got to believe me Eva, I love you with all my heart."
"I gave you everything I had and you just threw it away!" I yelled, shaking my head from his grasp. It made me furious to hear him tell me he loved me, after everything he had put me through. "I can't put up with your bullshit anymore, I'm going to lose my mind!"
"I can change Eva, I swear to you I'll change!" Jacob was becoming frantic. "I'll do anything for you Eva, for our baby."
"It's been over two years Jacob, I held on for so long, I just don't know if I have any faith in you anymore."
He stared at me, tears beginning to roll down his cheeks. I pushed him away, turning my head to vomit. I felt as though I was being repeatedly stabbed in the abdomen.
"We need to get you home." Jacob stated quietly, I nodded in agreement.
We drove the rest of the way home in silence. As soon as we arrived, I went into the washroom and closed the door. I pulled my pants down and sitting on the toilet, I stared at my blood soaked panties. Knowing no bounds of privacy, Jacob opened the door and stumbled in.
"Oh Eva," he stopped short as his eyes were drawn to my pants.
"I need underwear please." I stammered, tears streaming down my face.
Without a word, Jacob left and returned a few seconds later with a pair. He handed them to me and turned, shutting the door behind him as he went.
I found Jacob sitting slumped over on the edge of our bed, head in his hands as he cried. He looked up as I stood in front of him and reaching out, he pulled me into his grasp. I curled into his chest, his long arms wrapping me in their warm embrace. I gripped his t-shirt with my fist and let the tears flow.
"Eva, honey," I could hear Jacob's sweet soft voice whisper.
I must have fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes, the room was dark. Jacob was rolled over on his side, propped up on his elbow staring down at me.
"What?" I asked grimacing as I felt the cramps squeeze my stomach.
"You keep crying out in your sleep." He was frowning. He looked so tired, so worried.
"I don't feel good." I mumbled. I rolled over onto my back and felt something wet along my bum and legs. I frowned, running my hand along the sheet until I felt moisture.
"What's wrong?"
"Can you please turn on the light?" I asked, my chest filling with dread.
Without a word, Jacob lifted himself from the mattress and walked across the room. He groaned, shielding his eyes from the light as it filled the room. There was blood on my hand. I threw back the comforter hesitantly and saw the spot where I had been laying, saoked with blood. My heart sank, I knew all too well what was taking place.
"Why is this happening?" I cried scrambling from the bed. I felt dizzy as the cramps worsened. Jacob swiftly lifted me into his arms, I buried my face in his neck as he carried me into the washroom.
"Not again," I sobbed, laying curled up in a ball on the washroom floor. Jacob had helped me wash up and change clothes. "Please God, not this again."
"Eva, we have to get you to the hospital." Jacob pleaded. He looked so frightened and helpless.
"We can't," I stammered. "You're still drunk."
"I'm fine Eva, you need to go to the ER." Jacob told me sternly.
"But.." I cried out as another wave of pain washed over me.
"Don't argue with me Eva, I can't stand to see you in this much pain." He growled and bending down, he gently scooped me into his arms.
The hospital was a blur, they admitted me right away and determined that I was in fact having a miscarriage. They called the doctor to perform a D&C, to remove all the tissue from my uterus and he was there within 20 minutes. Jacob was beside me the entire time, his hand grasping mine tightly. After the procedure was done, they kept me in the hospital for a few hours to make sure that I was alright. Finally, at eight in the morning, they released me and Jacob wheeled me out to the car.
"I love you." He told me once he had helped me into the passenger seat. His face was filled with sadness. Jacob looked so worn out, his eyes were bloodshot with dark circles underneath and a frown was spread across his brow.
"I know." I replied weakly.
We didn't speak for a whole week, I had spent the first three days in bed. Jacob had stopped trying to talk to me after the fourth day. Now when he came home from work, he would kiss the top of my head and go off to do his own thing.
All signs of pregnancy were gone and I was left feeling hollow. My emotions all over the place, part of me filled with relief, while the other with dreadful sadness and guilt. I felt like I was coming undone. My poor innocent baby was gone and it was my fault. The hurt was almost too much to bear. I had to get away from this place, from all the memories. Then maybe, I could think clearly enough to understand all that had happened. I needed time to heal, time alone to grieve. I had to go home.
"Please don't go Eva." Jacob begged when I told him of my decision the next Friday.
"I have to, I can't stay here like this." My heart pained as I stared at him, his eyes pleading with me, his face filled with remorse.
"When do you leave?" He looked defeated.
"Tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" Jacob chocked out.
"I'm sorry." My vision was becoming blurry with tears. He was making this so difficult. I loved him so much, but I couldn't stay. I was so lost and confused.
"Please Eva, just stay." He begged.
"Jacob, I can't. I need time."
"Will you come back? Please tell me you'll be back."
"I don't know."
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through." We were sitting on opposite ends of the couch, facing each other as tears ran down our cheeks. "I can't lose you Eva, I just can't."
I couldn't stand to see him this way. My heart ached. I crawled across the couch and on to his knee. Why couldn't things be simple for us, like they used to be? All I had wanted was for us to be happy, for Jacob to be happy. What I seemed to forget was that we couldn't be happy, if I wasn't. It was time for me to focus on myself, I needed to find peace and happiness within. Perhaps then we could be happy again.
"I know," I soothed gently placing my hand on his cheek. "But I think some time apart will do us both good."
That night, Jacob held me close as he gently rubbed his hand down my arm and along my back soothingly. I was laying on my side, head cradled in the nook of his arm, with one leg swung over his waist and my arm across his chest. I didn't want to have to leave his warmth. Doubt crept into my mind. Was going back home such a good idea? I had terrible memories there, some I wasn't sure I wanted to relive.
"Eva," Jacob whispered in the dark, pressing his lips to the top of my head.
"Yeah?" I asked, my eyes still closed.
"I just need you to know how much I love you before you leave." I could hear the distress in his voice. I tilted my head up to look at him.
"I know, I love you too." I told him. Jacob leaned his head towards me and pressed his plump lips against mine. His cheeks were wet with tears.
"I don't want to let you go."
"I know."
When I woke the next morning, our bed was empty and cold. Jacob was nowhere to be found. I felt a bit hurt, I understood his reason for not being here, but it stung. I tried to call him, but he didn't answer.
I spent the morning packing and when I was finished, had two suitcases full of my things ready to go. I made myself some toast and sat down to eat. Once I had finished, I glanced around the kitchen with a sigh. I had to find something to do, I needed to occupy myself so I didn't have time to think. I decided to clean our house and I finished just as it was time for me to go. I called a taxi and brought all my things to the porch to wait. When it arrived, I lugged my suitcases down the walkway and the taxi driver took them from me, placing them in the trunk. I turned to take one last look at my home for the past four years. My chest was so heavy, I was filled with a deep sadness. I didn't want to leave, but knew I had to. It was for my own good. With a sigh, I opened the door of the taxi and slid in.
"Where ya goin' sweetie?" The cabbie asked, looking over his shoulder at me sitting in the back seat.
"The airport please." I responded in a shaky voice.