Without You.

It had been five years, five long years since I had been home and it felt surreal to finally be going back.
When I arrived at the airport it was one o'clock in the morning and my mother was there waiting for me as I walked through the gate. When our eyes met, we both grinned and I rushed forward to hug her.
"Oh it's so good to see you Eva!" She exclaimed, holding me at arms length.
After hugging each other mutliple times, I retrieved my suitcases from the baggage claim and we left the airport. It was an hour drive home and we spent most of time chattering away. As the headlights of my mother's car lit up the welcome sign, a familiar sensation of dread washed over me and I wanted to turn the car around. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, I thought to myself. I let out a deep sigh. There were so many bad memories here.
"Are you sure you want to stay at the cottage by youself?" Mom asked from the driver's seat.
I turned my head from the passing scenery to look at her. My poor mother, always worrying about me. Especially with everything that's happened.
"I'm sure, I'll be fine Mom. Don't worry, I just need some peace and quiet."
"Well you can come back to the house at any time."
"I know, thanks." I smiled at her.
She drove me straight to the cottage. There were no street lights on the pot hole ridden dirt road. On the left there was no light coming from the dark woods, the right side lit only by a row of cottages to which the road led. Mom pulled into the driveway behind my grandfather's red Ford Ranger, turned off the engine and we sat in the driveway for a moment. The moonlight casting its glow over the river and yard. What was I going to do here all alone? I thought, staring at the litte white cottage lit by the headlights. It had a blue tin roof and a yellow flower trough under each of the three front windows. There was a porch starting at the front door which was on the side of the building and wrapped around to the back, facing the river. There was no TV here, no internet, not even a landline. I would be completely isolated.
"You're strong Eva," Mom told me encouragingly. "I know you'll get throught this too."
"Thanks Mom," I smiled at her.
She helped me bring my luggage inside and gave me one last hug.
"I love you Eva."
"Love you too Mom."
And with that she was gone and I was on my own.

A week went by and I hadn't seen or spoken to anyone. Jacob called once, Mom once a day, but I never answered. I spent my days laying in the sun, kayaking, walking along the beach and swimming at full tide. I didn't sleep much and spent most of the night out on a bench that my grandfather had made into a swing. With a pillow and blanket, I would lay on my back and gaze up at the stars as the bench rocked gently, my mind reeling.
Friday night as I laid under the stars, once again cuddled under my warm blanket, I thought back to high school and my first love. I rarely spoke of what happened, I had told Jacob once and we had never talked about it again. It was painful to think about and usually I tried to keep the memories buried deep, but being here dragged it all to the surface.
When I was in grade twelve, my best friend Gia got me a job working with her at Dairy Queen and it was there that I met Evan. He was tall and skinny, with sandy brown hair and bright green eyes. He had stretchers in his ears the size of dimes, multiple tattoos, several on both his arms, one on his chest and one on his calf. Evan was three years older than me and still lived with his parents. He was a high school drop out and a stoner. I instantly gravitated towards him, drawn to his rebellion. We began talking and gradually started hanging out. He was so sweet and paid more attention to me than any guy ever had before. My mother despised him and wouldn't let him near our house.
Evan didn't own a car and so he would regularly meet me after school by the fence and we would go on long walks. Knowing my love for animals, he would take me to the animal shelter, where we would play with the kittens or take a dog or two with us on our walk. Some days we would walk the bridge across the river and go to the mall or to the movies. We were together whenever we could be and he was always on my mind. I fell hard for him. Looking back now I wasn't sure if it was because of his charm, or partly because of the fact that my mother hated him so.
Evan was a talented artist and would always bring me little drawings of fairies and flowers or beautiful landscapes. He didn't have much to offer me, but he was sweet and loved me so much. That was enough for me, I didn't need fancy cars and expensive gifts.
Every Christmas my grandparents would leave to go visit their five children, who were scattered around the country. That year Gia and I came up with a brilliant plan. It was the week of exams before Christmas break and we convinced our parents to let us stay in my grandparent's vacant house. They lived three houses down from the high school and seeing as we had more than one exam a day; it would give us a quiet place to study in between. The added bonus was that they wouldn't have to drive us to and from school.
At this point in time our parents still trusted us, we were usually pretty good and weren't off drinking and doing drugs every weekend like the other kids. Gia and I kept a small circle of friends and liked it that way. We rarely went to parties and spent Friday nights at the bowling alley or hanging out in Gia's basement. They agreed to let us stay there for the week however, we had to come home Friday night. Our parent's hadn't realized that we were already on vacation; our very last exam on Thrusday morning and for once, we were planning on breaking all the rules. We figured it was about time we started acting our age, we were about to graduate for God's sake!
I had invited Evan over and Gia was going to a party. That evening we sat in the living room, me on Evan's lap in my grandfather's lazyboy recliner and Gia sprawled out on the couch. Evan's hand traveling up and down my leg. Gia kept wigging her eyebrows at me and making kissy faces as I laughed.
"Evan and Eva, the perfect match." Gia teased.
That was the running joke.
"Oh shut it." I laughed.
"I hope Ben is there tonight!" She changed the subject. He was her biggest crush and she was determined to get with him before the school year was done.
"How're you getting there?" I asked.
"Tyler is coming to get me." Gia replied. He was one of our best friends.
"Are you coming back here later?"
"We'll see how things go." She shrugged.
"You'd better be good!" I teased wagging my fingger at her.
"Me?" Gia gasped. "I should be the one telling you to behave!"
"I'm always good!"
"Evan's a different story though." Gia commented.
"You got that right." He chuckled. I could feel his chest rumble on my back as he spoke and it gave me chills.
Soon after she left, I walked into the kitchen to get myself a drink. Evan snuck up behind me and spun me around. He wrapped his arms around my thighs and lifted me on to the counter.
"Hey beautiful," He grinned. His hands on my bum as he pulled me close, his chest between my legs. "She's finally gone."
"Now we're all alone." I told him. I ran my hand through his hair and tugged on its tips.
"Just what I want."
Evan pressed him lips to mine. His hand moved from my bottom, slowly it travelled under my shirt and cupped my breast.
"Don't." I pushed him away.
"Come on Eva, you know you want me." His hot breath on my neck.
"It's uncomfortable here." I told him as I tried to squirm away.
I jumped from the counter and Evan took my hand. We shut off all the lights, hid his things in case someone showed up and went down to the basement. I walked into the bedroom and Evan followed, locking the door behind him. He grinned at me. I was nervous, he was my first boyfriend and I had only turned seventeen two months before. I wasn't sure I was ready to go all the way. Evan turned the light off and switched on the lamp beside the bed.
"You're so beautiful Eva."
He laid me back on the bed, climbed on top of me and began to kiss me. Evan quickly had us both stripped down to our underwear. My body shaking with nerves.
"Can I touch you?" Evan whispered seductively in my ear, then trailed hot wet kisses down my neck.
"I-I guess..." I stammered. I was tense, my mind running wild.
"You know I love you, right?"
"I know," he stared down at me, his eyes encouraging me to trust him. "I've never done anything before, I'm just nervous."
"I'll be gentle Eva."
Evan tugged my underwear off and tossed them to the floor. He rolled off me and laid on his side. I whimpered as his hand gently spread my thighs apart. Bringing his hand to my face, he cupped my chin and forced me to look at him.
"You'll like it, I promise." Evan smiled down at me and leaned forward to kiss me.
His hand left my face and he brushed his finger against my clit. I moaned into his mouth. Evan rubbed his finger in circular motions until I was panting with pleasure. Then he dipped his finger into my opening and I cried out in a mixture of pleasure and pain at the unfamiliar feeling. Evan climbed back on top of me, his finger sliding deeper inside me.
"Be careful." I breathed out.
He latched onto my nipple with his moist warm mouth. I groaned as he swirled his tongue around my hard nipple. Evan took his finger from me and pressed his groin into mine. He lifted his head from my breast and stared down at me.
"You're driving me crazy Eva." He groaned rocking his hips into mine. I could feel his erection against my warmth.
"Let me put it inside you." Evan whispered in my ear.
"I... I don't know." I stuttered, my body tensing at the thought.
"Just the tip." He began taking off his underwear.
"Evan," I was nervous. "I don't think I'm ready."
"I won't put it in all the way, I promise." He rubbed his tip against my opening. I squirmed in discomfort and shook my head. Evan's face darkened as he glared down at me.
"I don't think I-"
"Stop being a fucking tease Eva," he growled cutting me off. "Or you'll get what's coming to you."
That was the first time I saw that side of him. I was shocked and frightened. He had always been so sweet and loving.
"Evan, why are you doing this?" I cried, tears threatening to fall.
Like a switch had been flipped, Evan's face softened and his eyes turned loving.
"I'm sorry sweetie," his voice gentle and soothing. "It's just that you drive me crazy Eva. You're so beautiful and I want you so badly!"
Evan lowered his lips to mine and we began making out. The soft and gentle Evan was back. As things began to heat up, he started grinding his hips into mine. His cock sliding up and down my slit. I moaned as my lower region began to tingle.
"Please Eva," Evan groaned, his lips brushing mine. "I'm just gonna put the tip in."
I didn't say anything, not wanting to make him angry again.
"I promise Eva," Evan assured. "You can trust me."
He was slow and gentle as he lined himself up at my entrance. I braced myself for the discomfort and pain. He eased the head of his cock into me and I cried out as my walls stretched around him.
"Stay there." I panted, my hands on his chest holding him away from me.
"You feel so good." He moaned adjusting himself slightly.
"Don't move." I ordered digging my nails into his chest.
"I can't help it Eva, it feels so good"
In one steady thrust, Evan was deep inside of me. I cried out in pain as my body took him in. I was shocked. I couldn't believe what was happening. He had lied to me, broken my trust and my heart.
When he was finished, he rolled on to his back and pulled me to his side. He placed a kiss on my forehead. I was quiet, my groin throbbing. I didn't want to open my mouth in fear that I would burst out crying.
"I didn't mean to Eva," Evan told me quietly. "I couldn't control myself any longer."
I still said nothing, my chest heaving.
"Don't be upset with me," he pleaded. "It wasn't that bad, was it?"
"You promised," I told him, my voice wobbly. "You lied to me."
"It felt too good Eva, I couldn't help it. Didn't it feel good for you?"
"I'm tired," I said changing the subject. "I just want to go to sleep."
I left his side, turned off the lamp and rolled onto my side facing away from Evan. He sighed as he scooted closer to me and wrapped his arm around my waist.
"You'll get over it soon enough."
Things got consistently worse from then on. Evan became extremely jealous and controlling. I wasn't allowed to hang out with Gia anymore because he didn't like her, didn't trust her. He was always convinced that I was cheating on him with one person or another. Evan despised Tyler and would instantly become enraged at even the mention of his name. Constantly he would belittle me, yell at me and then the very next minute turn around and be so sweet, so apologetic. I was so confused. I didn't understand why he treated me the way he did and tried to convince myself that it was only because he loved me so much.
Next came the physical violence. One day Evan was furious with me because Tyler had posted a picture on Facebook of the two of us and his arm was around my shoulder. Evan met me at our usual spot after school and wouldn't say a word, a storm brewing in his eyes. I followed him into the woods and once we were secluded, he stopped and turned to glare at me. His face was bright red as he began screaming at me, the vein in his neck looking as though it was about to burst.
"Do you think I'm stupid?" He roared. "Do you think I don't know that you're fucking him behind my back?"
"Evan please," I begged, my eyes wide with fear. "You're the only one, I swear!"
"You would say that, wouldn't you?" He snarled at me. "I don't want you going near him again!"
"But Evan," I started. "He's only a friend."
"Don't lie to me Eva." He said darkly.
"I'm not lying to you!" I told him, frustrated.
"Don't talk back to me." He snarled.
Evan lifted his hand and swiftly slapped me across the face. That was the first time he had hit me and I stood there in shock as tears streamed down my face, my cheek stinging from the impact.
"Evan," I cried backing away from him. He looked so ashamed, so ridden with guilt.
"Eva, I'm sorry." His voice pleading. "I didn't mean to do it, I swear to you!"
Every step he took towards me, I took one backwards. I didn't know what to do. I was still in shock, I couldn't believe what he had just done.
"I'll never do it again, you gotta believe me!" Evan sounded so sincere, so apologetic. "Eva, you can trust me, I promise you."
There is was again, I thought. That little word, trust. I couldn't believe him. I had to get away. I turned on my heel and began running as fast as I could.
"Eva," Evan yelled from behind me as he chased behind me. "Come back, I said I was sorry!"
"Leave me alone!" I screamed, tears streaming down my face as I picked up my pace. I ran all the way home, not stopping once.

It took two weeks for me to talk to Evan again. He messaged me every day trying to make me forgive him. Of course, I eventually did. He was such a smooth talker and knew how to get his way in every situation.
For months afterwards things went back to the way they were, Evan was his sweet old self and hadn't raised a hand at me since the forest incident. Then two things happened. In May, I discovered that I was pregnant. Evan was the first person I told and he was thrilled. But then June came and as I was preparing to graduate, Evan lost his job. I was spending the night at his place one Friday, when he came back from his shift furious.
"It's all your fault!" He screamed at me.
"What do you mean?" I stammered, backing as far away from him as I could.
"You're ruining my life!"
"What are you talking about?"
"I've been fired and it's all your fault!"
"How?" I should have kept my mouth shut. Evan came flying at me in a rage. He wrapped his hand around my neck and pressed me against the wall. I clawed at his fingers, trying to breathe.
"You seduced me," he growled. The wild look that had been in his eyes in the forest was back and I was petrified. Now I wasn't only concerned for my own safety, but for the safety of my baby. "Apparently they don't like management fucking the employees."
"I-I'm sorry." I chocked out. "I'll quit."
"It's too late, you've already screwed up everything." Evan released me. I slid down the wall and sat on the floor holding my neck as I took deep breaths.
I couldn't sleep for the life of me. I was extremely stressed out and to top it all off, I had terrible morning sickness. I had no idea what I was going to do. I couldn't stay with Evan, I had to do what was best for our child. I had ruined my life. I didn't want to ruin our innocent child's as well. I had always dreamed of having children, but definitely not with Evan. I had dug myself into this hole and I had to be the one to dig myself out.
After graduation, I stayed the night with Evan once again. It was the first time I was seeing him since the incident a few weeks back. He was so loving, so affectionate, telling me how great things were going to be. We were going to move in together, set up a little nursery for our baby and be so happy. He kept going on and on about all the things we were going to go out and buy and how excited he was. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and burst into tears.
"What's wrong?" He asked frowning.
"I don't want to move in together." I mumbled, looking at the bed as I fumbled with my hands.
"What was that?" Evan's tone was sharp.
"How are we going to live Evan?" I cried. "How are we going to afford all these things? You don't have a job, I can't work and you haven't even finished high school!" I regretted my words as soon as I felt Evan's fist slam straight into my eye. I screamed in pain.
"What? You think I can't provide for you?" He yanked me off his bed by my hair and threw me onto the floor. "Am I not good enough for you?"
Evan kicked me repeatedly as I screamed for him to stop, trying to shield my stomach from his blows.
"How do I even know that it's my baby? You're such a whore it could be anyone's!"
He landed his last kick as hard as he could on my abdomen. The pain was excruciating, I got to my knees and grabbed the nearest garbage can, throwing up. I felt dizzy and black spots appeared before my eyes as my vision faded away.
When I awoke, the room was pitch black and I was still laying on the floor. I could hear Evan breathing heavily from the bed. As quietly as I could, I gathered my things and quickly fled his house. I ran as far as I could until the pain in my stomach became too much to bare. I sat on a park bench and called my mom to come pick me up. When she arrived, we both sat crying in the car as I told her everything that had happened.
The next morning I lost the baby. I had been almost eight weeks along. I had never been more angry or relieved in my entire life. I booked the next flight out of town and never looked back. I got rid of all my social media pages and changed my phone number to an unlisted one. I never heard from him again and wanted to keep it that way.
I was so young, I thought watching the fire flies dance above my head, so naive. I was still scared that one day we'd meet again and it kept me from my home for five years. I couldn't live in fear any longer, I had grown, I was strong enough to stand up for myself.
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, pulling it from my pocket I saw that it was Jacob calling.
"Hello," I answered softly.
"Hey Eva." Jacob's voice floated smoothly into my ear.
"How are you?" I asked.
"I'm okay," he responded meekly. "Im sorry I wasn't there when you left."
"I know."
"I just wanted to make sure that you were alright." Jacob told me. I could hear the concern in his voice.
"I'll be fine."
I missed him, missed his deep laugh, his loving eyes and his comforting embrace.
The line was silent for a few minutes.
"I love you Eva, I wish you'd come home." Jacob's voice cracked.
"I'm not ready." I whispered.
"I know, I'm so sorry for everything."
We were quiet once again.
"What time is it there?" He asked, breaking the tension.
"Almost two in the morning." I replied with a yawn.
"You'd better go to bed Boo, you need your sleep."
"I miss you Jacob."
"I miss you more than you could ever imagine Eva. I'm the biggest idiot in the world for letting you go."
"You haven't lost me yet." I told him.
"I love you, try and have a good rest, alright?"
"I will." I hung up and made my way into the cottage. I wondered what Jacob was doing with himself since I had left. Locking the door, I made my way into the bedroom and crawled into bed. I closed my eyes and let sleep wash over me.