Without You.

Monday morning I lazed around the cottage as the rain pounded on the tin roof. I sat on the rocking chair in the covered porch, wrapped in my fuzzy blanket sipping coffee as I watched the water fall. My phone still left untouched on the bed. I didn't want to hear his excuses. Jacob knew exactly how I felt. I frowned. If I hadn't been so serious about this, I wouldn't have left. I sighed and swallowed the last bit of coffee as I stood. I walked into the main area, setting my mug on the table before heading into the bathroom. I showered and began preparing for the day. I was going to take Henry's advice and go into town. It was such a dreary day, but it was comforting to me, like I wasn't the only one in this world feeling terrible.
I pulled into my grandparents driveway and shut off the truck. I sat for a second, staring at the house wondering if anyone was home, as there were no cars in the yard. Figuring I'd better go and check, I got out of the truck and made a mad dash for the front door. It was unlocked, as usual and I opened the door, stepping inside.
"Hello?" I called. "Gram, Gramp?"
"Oh Eva!" My grandmother gushed, rounding the corner. She enveloped me in her loving arms and squeezed me tight. I hadn't seen either of my grandparents since I had graduated and left home. Tears pricked my eyes, I had missed her so much.
"Where's Grampie?" I asked as we let go of each other.
"He's at Bill's." She replied. He was an old family friend and my grandfather was usually there in the afternoons playing cards.
"And Mom?"
She had moved in with my grandparents a couple year ago. It was becoming too much for her to live in the two storey house I grew up in and my grandparents weren't as able as they used to be. They may have been my father's parents, but they treated her as their own and loved us with all their hearts.
"Still at work." Grammie answered looking closely at me. "She's worried about you Eva."
"I know." My voice trembled.
"Come, take off your shoes and let's go into the kitchen." She waved me in, smiling warmly. "I just made a fresh batch of cookies."
Ahh, her cookies were amazing! Growing up her baking solved all my brother and I's problems, but I wasn't so sure they'd do the trick for me this time around. My grandmother was such a kind, loving and wise woman who would do anything for her family. When my father passed away, she stayed strong for the rest of our family, looking after us kids while my mom grieved.
She led me into the kitchen and gestured for me to sit. I sat at the round table and watched as she puttered around, filling a plate with cookies and then poured us both a cup of tea.
"So tell me what's been going on?"
"I don't even know where to start." I sighed.
Grammie placed the mug in front of me and then sat across from me at the table. I took a cookie from the plate before me and bit into. God, they were better than I remembered. I took my time, savouring each bite as I tried to prolong explaining to her everything that was wrong. She smiled at me knowingly.
"Take your time dear." Gram reached across the table and took my hand in hers.
"I lost my baby." I blurted out, not knowing where else to start.
"Oh honey," she squeezed my hand. "I'm so sorry."
"It was my fault." Tears poured down my face.
"Eva," my grandmother said sternly. "You know that's not true. I know it feels that way, but sweetie in no way was it your fault! Sometimes these things happen, it just wasn't the right time."
"It wasn't." I stammered.
"What about Jacob? How is he doing?" She asked.
"He won't stop drinking Grammie. All we do anymore is fight. I can't handle it and after ... After the baby-" I chocked out. "I just couldn't stay there any longer."
"Do you love him?" Her voice was soft, her hand still squeezing mine.
"With all my heart," I sobbed. "We've been together so long and I don't want to lose him, but he's changed."
"You know your grandfather used to have a drinking problem." She told me. I was taken aback, surprised at this information. The sweet old man I knew and loved, used to be an alcoholic? It didn't make any sense to me.
"He did?" I frowned.
"For many years," she nodded, a small sad smile crossed her face. "Just after your father was born, your grandfather lost his job. Now you can imagine how stressful that would be, when you have four little kids to feed and no income. Every day he would go out to look for a job and every night he'd come home defeated. The thought that he couldn't provide for his family was too much for him to bear."
"What did you do?" I was curious to know. Growing up I had heard lots of stories about my dad, but never about what is was like for them as a family.
"Things got really bad, I could barely keep our children fed, let alone your grandfather and I. We argued constantly and finally I couldn't take it anymore. I packed up the kids and went to stay with your great-aunt Winnie."
"You left him?" I frowned. They seemed to have the perfect marriage in my eyes, always loving and affectionate towards one another. Gram nodded.
"For about a year and a half, but I never gave up hope that he'd come around. Your grandfather was so ashamed of himself, he knew the hurt he was causing, but he couldn't control himself. He desperately needed help and he finally realized that. Eva, you have to let Jacob figure out for himself that he has a problem and then you can help him. At first I was so angry I could barely stand to look at your grandfather, but then I realized that he needed my support and we couldn't heal without it. Even if at that time there were no children involved, I still would have taken him back. I know you dear, and you wouldn't have stayed this long if Jacob wasn't something special. Life is full of heartache and hardships. Bad things happen to good people, but you can't let it keep you from your happiness forever. Sometimes it's best to just let go. You don't have to forget, just forgive and move on with your life together. Even after your grandfather started his company and we moved back into this house together, he would still drink from time to time. I was there for him each step of the way, and even though it was extremely difficult, we got through it together and lived a happy life. Relationships take patience and hard work, you have to willing to do your part."
"Do you really think he'll come around?" I questioned.
"Of course he will sweetie, you just have to be patient and give him some time."
I left my grandparent's feeling slightly better and with the promise to come back and visit soon.

The conversation I'd had with my grandmother stuck in my mind. I knew I couldn't force Jacob to stop drinking, but I didn't have put up with it either. I had to make up my mind, was Jacob the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with? If so, he needed to understand that he had a problem and wanted to change; and I had to be willing to be there every step of the way. It would be difficult, but nothing worthwhile was easy.
I truly loved him, even after everything that had happened and I couldn't picture my life without him. Could we last like my grandparents had, or was lasting love a thing of the past?
My phone began ringing on the bed beside me. I reached for it and glanced at the screen. Speaking of the devil, I thought. It was Jacob. He had been calling twice a day since Monday and it was now Thursday. With a sigh I decided maybe it was time to finally answer.
"Hello."
"Eva," He sounded relieved. "I didn't think you were going to answer. I'm sorry-"
"We need to have a serious talk." I said cutting him off.
"About what?" Jacob sounded nervous.
"Everything. About you and I and if we're going to have a future together."
"You don't want to be with me anymore?" His voice quavered and it pulled on my heart strings.
"I do," I began, trying to keep my emotions in check. "But things need to change Jacob."
"I know," he breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through these past couple years."
"I want to have a good life together, I want to be a family, but we can't do that with your drinking. When I found out I was pregnant, it made me realize how bad things had gotten. I wasn't happy Jacob, I wasn't excited to be having a baby. I should have been. I want babies, I want your babies, but not in these circumstances. We can't raise a child when we're constantly fighting and you're drinking all the time."
There was a long pause.
"My drinking isn't that bad." He was becoming defensive.
"But it is!" I cried. "You have a problem Jacob."
"You're making it out to be more than it actually is Eva. I don't have a drinking problem." I could hear the anger in his voice and remembered what my grandmother had told me. I sighed.
"Listen, you need to take a good hard look at yourself and get your shit together. I'm not making a big deal out of nothing, I'm just letting you know how I feel and what needs to happen if you want me to come back."
"Well sorry I'm not good enough for you."
"Jacob," I cried as tears ran down my face. I didn't understand why he was being this way. "Don't say that, you know it's not true. I love you, I really do. I'm just concerned, for both of us."
"Well stop worrying about me and start thinking about yourself. I'm fine."
"Can you honestly say that after everything that's happened?" This wasn't the Jacob I knew and loved. Anger was building inside of me.
"Yes, now stop pestering me." He growled. I knew he was lying, he knew it too, but he was so stubborn.
"Jacob-" I began, ready to give him an earfull, but I was interrupted by a knock on the door. I stood from the bed and left the room. "Someone's here, give me a minute."
"Isn't it a little late for company?" Jacob grunted. It was nine thirty.
"I don't know who it is." It made me uneasy, I didn't like being here all alone and someone showing up unannounced didn't help.
"Well don't answer then."
I ignored him, unlocked the front door and cracked it opened. I peaked my head out and saw Henry standing there with his hands in his pockets. I quickly wiped my eyes.
"I have to go." I told Jacob.
"Why? Who's there?"
"Just a friend." I lied. "I'll call you later."
"Okay." He replied and I hung up on him.
"Just a friend huh?" Henry teased, a smile spread across his beautiful face.
"You scared me!" I scolded.
"Sorry, guess I should have called first."
"That would have been a smart idea."
"Are you going to let me in?" Henry asked, his grin ever present.
"Maybe," I teased. "Did you bring me chocolate?"
"No," he pouted. "Does that mean I'm out of luck?"
"You can come in this time." I opened the door wide and stepped aside, Henry entered and I shut the door behind him.
"Are you alright?" He asked, a slight frown appearing on his face.
"I'm okay."
"Are you sure?" his frown deepened. "You've been crying."
"I'll be fine." I nodded, cracking a small smile.
"Well I'm here if you need anything." Henry said. He placed his hand gently on my cheek and kissed the other.
"You're too sweet."
"And you're too beautiful to be sad." He smiled softly down at me and dropped his hand from my cheek.
"So what brings you here at this hour?" I asked changing the subject as he sat on the couch and I on the chair across from it.
"Well you already know that I'm a terrible texter." He scowled. I chuckled, every day I'd get a text or two saying hi, but nothing else. "So I figured I'd just come and see you."
"Don't you have to work tomorrow?" I questioned.
"Nope," he grinned.
"That's nice your dad let you have the day off." I teased.
"More like I told him I had plans and wasn't coming in." Henry scoffed.
"So what're these plans of yours?"
"That's why I'm here." He stared at me, his eyes sparkling.
"What do you mean?" I frowned slightly, confused.
"How'd you like to go fishing?"
"Fishing?" I scrunched up my nose.
"Yeah," he nodded his smile faltering.
"I've never been before." I admitted.
"Seriously?" Henry's eyes widened. "You've lived here your entire life and have never gone fishing? Now you have to come!"
I laughed.
"So I don't have a choice then?"
"Pretty much, you're coming even if I have to drag you there."
"Well seeing as I have no choice in the matter, I guess I'll come fishing with you."
"Perfect," he stood from the couch and took a few steps so that he was standing in front of me. He leaned down and pressed his lips to the top of my head. "I'll see you tomorrow at seven."
"Seven?" I groaned.
"Yep, up and at 'em bright and early." Henry grinned down at me.
"The fish won't catch themselves." I teased as I stood and Henry laughed.
"That's the spirit!"
We walked the short distance to the front door and Henry opened it.
"I'll see you tomorrow beautiful."
"You too, stud muffin." I grinned and he burst out laughing.
"Well this is a new development." Henry smirked at me, leaning against the doorframe.
"Oh don't let it go to your head." I laughed and playfully hit his chest.
"Sleep tight."
"You too." I replied. He leaned down and brushed his lips to my cheek.
"You'd better be up and ready when I get here."
"Yes sir." I saluted.
"Goodnight Eva." He stepped onto the porch.
"Night Henry." I smiled and closed the door behind him.
I locked the door and leaned my back against it with a sigh. What was I getting myself into?