Circle of Fear

“Ella, I don’t understand why you want me to go to this thing. I don’t even know the guy!” I said to my best friend as I put on a silver chandelier earring into my right ear.

“Because it’ll be good for you. You guys are perfect for each other.”

“I told you: I’m not interested in seeing anybody.”

“I know you keep saying that, but—and don’t take this the wrong way—you haven’t been happy in a long time. I mean, really truly happy.” my roommate said, and I appreciated the sentiment. “I’m not saying that a man is gonna make you happy, but it’s worth a shot, right? Luka’s known him for a couple years, and he’s a good guy. I think you’ll like him.”

Ella’s boyfriend, Luka, was a producer’s assistant at a local studio, and one of the clients and his good friend was having a housewarming party. Ella absolutely insisted that I go and meet him because we would “totally hit it off.” Her words, not mine.

“But it’ll be awkward. I mean, what do I say? ‘Congrats on the new place. It looks fantastic. Wanna go out sometime?’”

“Kat, what’s wrong with that?” I rolled my eyes. “Relax. It’s gonna be fine. Look, I’ve known you what? Two years now? Other than the occasional date, you’ve never really been with a guy. I just think it’d be good for you. Please just give it a chance, Katerina.” She pouted her lips as she looked at me, and I gave in.

“Fine. But I make no promises.”

“Fantastic.” Ella grinned.

Once I finished curling my hair, I was ready. I smoothed my long black dress and looked at my reflection. My makeup looked fine, not too over-done, and my hair was in loose waves. I slipped on my black flats and grabbed my clutch.

“Ready?” I asked her.

“Yep. And Luka’s waiting downstairs. He texted me a few minutes ago.” She grabbed her purse and keys before she walked downstairs, her maroon sequined dress swaying with every step. I followed close behind and reached the street where Luka was double-parked.

“Hey, baby.” he greeted his girlfriend as soon as she got inside and they kissed. I looked away to give them their private moment. “You girls look great!”

“Thanks, honey.”

“Thanks, Luka.” I said and settled into my seat in the back.

“You excited, Kat?” Luka asked as he pulled into traffic.

I wasn’t. My heart was taken by someone else, and I had no intention of doing anything more than going on a single date with this guy. But I played along nonetheless. “Mhmm. Kind of nervous, actually.”

“Don’t be. You’re going to love him.”

“If you say so.” I said. I leaned my head against the window and watched the city lights pass by as the couple engaged in their own conversation.

I missed that.

I missed that feeling of being able to share something special with someone and only that person. I missed waking up in his bed with his scent lingering on the sheets. I missed his touch. I missed his presence. I missed everything about him. I missed him so much.

I closed my eyes and took myself back to that day almost four years ago when everything happened. I relived every second of it.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m going on tour, Kat. Indefinitely. I don’t know when I’m gonna be home again.” he whispered.

“What about – what about us?” My breath caught in my throat.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going to happen to us.”

“But what do you want?”

“I want us to stay together. But we’ve both agreed that long distance relationships don’t work.”

“And I can’t pick up and leave. My job, my family is here. It wouldn’t make sense.”

“Your life is here.”

“You are my life, Ville. You know that.”

“So…?”

“So.”

We both knew the intensity of what that meant. But we couldn’t handle that. The past three years of our lives were together and we didn’t know what it meant to live without the other.

I was straddling him, but I fell into his arms and tucked my head into his neck. The tears were flowing freely down my face and his. My arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders and his arms around mine. He kissed the nape of my neck as I sobbed against his body. He left a trail of kisses from my neck to my sternum and I looked up and into his eyes.

My lips connected with his and parted without resistance. I unbuttoned his shirt as our tongues wrestled, and Ville tugged at the hem of my shirt. I pulled off my shirt and bra and he pulled his arms out of the sleeves of his shirt.
________________________________________

“I love you.” I breathed.

“I love you, too.”

“I should go.”

“Don’t. Spend the night.”

That’s what I wanted to do. For one last time, I just wanted to lay there with him and listen to the even beat of his heart. But I knew I couldn’t.

“No. In the morning, this will be harder. Let our last memory be this moment.” He didn’t argue to that, and I scooted out of the bed, picking up the trail of my clothes and dressing myself. I walked over to Ville, who was still on the bed, leaning against the headboard. I kissed his lips softly and lingered, staring into his eyes.

“I love you.” I repeated.

“Kat! Kat. Come on. We’re here.” Ella said, shaking the memory.

“Oh.” I replied and got out of the car. I looked up at the tower, which barely stuck out amidst the green vines growing everywhere. It didn’t look like a home. “This is his house?”

“Yep.” Ella said simply. “Now, come on. I’m so excited for you to meet him.”

She took Luka’s hand and they walked ahead to the front door. It was rather serene outside with few people in clusters having a smoke. Inside, the place was quite a scene; there were at least forty people, each with a drink in hand and dancing to the music.

“Oh my God, hey!” I heard Ella squeal. I looked to see the couple ahead of me and caught up to them. Ella introduced, “And this is Kat.”

I looked at the man standing before me. He looked straight out of an 80’s glam rock show, but he was more handsome than I remembered. His hair was shorter than I'd ever seen it, falling into his face here and there. He was wearing eyeliner, making his green eyes shine even brighter. I was caught in a whirlwind of memories, only to be interrupted by Ella’s conspicuous cough. I looked down to see Ville’s hand outstretched and I took it.

“Nice to meet you.” He said. He spoke as though he had no recollection of who I was, but I saw the expression in his eyes. One of recognition. He knew. And so I went along with the charade.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” I greeted. I meant that. I was ecstatic, and I was sure the smile on my face expressed that clearly. But it faded quickly.

“Baby, there you are!” A voice said. A blonde woman walked up to Ville and kissed his cheek, wrapping her arm around his waist protectively.

My face fell. I couldn’t believe that he’d moved on. I wanted to run out of that house right then and never look back. But I couldn’t. Ella was right there and I doubt she would have left me get out the door before dragging me back inside.

I didn’t expect Ville to be single until we met again. But I had hoped so. Selfish little me. What the hell were Ella and Luka putting me up to? If Ville wasn’t single, what were they planning to do by bringing me here to meet him? It made no sense.

“Susie, right?” Luka asked. “Why don’t you show us around the new place?”

“Sure.” It was obvious that she didn’t want to leave Ville’s side, but she didn’t cause a scene and simply obliged at the request. I started to follow them, but Ville pulled me gently back to him, enveloping me in a hug. I breathed in the familiar scent.

“You have no idea how good it feels to see you again.” He said. My heart swelled.

“You, too.”

“You’ve gotten a lot quieter.” He stated. I pulled away, but didn’t reply. “Come. I’ll get you something to drink.”

He took my hand in his and led me towards the kitchen and I subtly pulled my hand away. I didn’t want to get involved – I didn’t want to pick up where things left off that easily, especially when another person was involved in the equation.

“What do you want? Jack and coke?” I nodded. He poured me a glass and dropped in a few slices of lime. “Here.”

I took the glass and took a long sip of the drink. He hugged me again and inhaled deeply. He didn’t let me go, though; his hands rested at the small of my back and I looked up at him. He tried to kiss me, but I turned my cheek.

“St-stop, Ville. We can’t just – we can’t just pick up like nothing happened. Especially when you’re with someone.” I whispered. His eyebrows knit in confusion.

“What are you talking about?”

“Your girlfriend…Susie?”

Ville laughed. “She’s not my girlfriend. No, she’s just this girl who’s absolutely obsessed with me. She wishes she were my girlfriend.” He brushed my hair past my ear. “No, the only person who could possibly hold that title is you.”

I don’t know what it was, but I couldn’t stand there anymore. He was telling me everything I could possibly want to hear, but it was overwhelming.

“I should go-o.” I couldn’t keep my voice steady.

I set the glass on the counter and broke away. I didn’t bother trying to find Ella and Luka; they probably would have naively tried to convince me to stay. I walked out of the house, leaving the party scene behind. I had no idea where I was. I just walked down the street in an arbitrary direction in hopes of reaching a main street.

I felt silly. For the past few years, I wanted nothing more than to reunite with Ville. And now that I’d done that, I couldn’t stand to be in the same time zone as he was in. I think I was scared. All this time, I had nothing but the memories of who he was to keep me sustained. But now that I’d seen him, I was scared that things would change. I was afraid that we would get back together and he would leave again. That he wouldn’t love me anymore and that he would want someone new. Worst case scenario, though, was that I wouldn’t want to be with him anymore. I didn’t want to hurt him like that.

I wanted to linger in the past because that’s the only thing of which I was sure. I didn’t know what the future held for me and whether that future would include Ville.

A cab passed and I hailed it, rushing to catch up to it. I opened the door and mumbled my address to the driver. Once I was at my loft, I went upstairs and opened the door. I slipped out of my shoes and dress, dropping them on the way to the shower. I needed to be refreshed. I needed to clear my head.

The warm water pounded on my body and I could feel my heartbeat pulsating beneath my skin. I closed my eyes and I was haunted by the memories. Ville and I at dinner. Ville and I watching a movie. Ville and I in the shower. Ville. His eyes. His nose. His mouth. His kisses. That night. Our entire relationship played in my head like a broken record and I couldn’t stop it.

I didn’t want to stop it.

I knew I missed him. I felt silly for walking away from him. But I didn’t want to be hurt. I didn’t want to go through that, and, if I knew him as well as I thought I did, I didn’t want to put Ville through that.

I got out of the shower and changed into a pair of boy shorts and tank top. I tied my hair into a ponytail and sat on my bed. My phone beeped to indicate a text and I got it out of my clutch.

“Gonna spend the night @ Luka’s. Make sure you eat.” Ella wrote. I was surprised she didn’t say anything about the fact that I had left early, and the phone beeped again. “We’ll talk about what happened tonight when I see you.”

I was in no mood to argue with her especially via text. I went to the living room and turned on the TV to distract myself. I really couldn’t decide on anything and ended up shuffling through the channels for a few minutes before I stopped on a sitcom.

I got through two or three episodes and I was starting to doze off when the doorbell rang. I went to the front door and didn’t bother to look through the peephole; I just opened the door.

“Hey.” Ville said softly.

“Hey.”

“Um…can I come in?”

“Sure.”

I opened the door wider to let him in and then locked it.

“Do you want something? Juice? Beer? I think I may have some cake or something left from –“ I rambled. I was nervous.

“It’s okay. I just – I just came to talk to you.” he said. We both sat on the couch.

“How’d you get my address?”

“Ella.”

“Oh.” I paused. “Look, I’m sorry. I don’t – I don’t know what to do right now.”

“What do you mean?”

“Because a part of me wants to just jump into your arms and kiss you.”

“But?”

“But another part of me is scared. I just – we did this once. We had a great relationship but we walked away from that. We both walked away. And it was horrible.”

Tears started to run down my cheeks. Ville hesitated to move towards me, unsure of how I would react, but he finally took me in his arms. I was straddling him, my face in his neck. It was a familiar position.

“I couldn’t do anything for a long time because I felt like a large part of me was just gone.” I continued. “It took a lot of effort just to get out of bed and get dressed, much less go to work and lie to everyone. What was I supposed to say? Ville Valo, the most famous musician in our country, and I had a secret relationship but we broke up and it hurts? I mean, that just – I couldn’t do that. So I had to pretend. I love you. Even after all this time, I still love you.”

“It was the same for me. It hurt me, too.”

“I know. I know that.”

“Every time I came home from tour to visit my parents, I wanted to come and find you. But I didn’t exactly know where to start. I wasn’t sure if you were even still here anymore. And then I wasn’t sure that you would even want to see me. What good would a visit do when all I wanted was to spend my life with you?”

I looked down and whispered. “I don’t know. It probably would have made things harder.”

“I love you, Kat. I love you with all my heart. I want to make this work.”

“So do I.”

“Then nothing else matters,” he said and kissed me.