'Funny' Story...
Chasing Glitter
My past haunts me more than anyone knows. I don't let people in, and I bottle it all up. It was breaking me on the inside. I was in love with a boy. We were together for a year, but we had too many fights. We were still in love, but couldn't resolve the issues. No matter, we were going to stick through all the pain together. But then you came along, with your beautiful blue eyes, and your perfect smile. I fell for you hard, and fast. Months went by, and all I wanted was you. And you wanted me.
The day came. You asked me to be yours. I was too blind to see the storm clouds that were forming upon the peaceful sea.
You were there to help me start to sew my heart back together, when in the end it was you tearing me apart at the seams. We started planning forever. You even bought me a ring... Do you remember that? I bet you don't.
I swore that I would be a virgin until my wedding night; is that why you bought the ring? You said you would never hurt me, but then that night the truth came out.
You began to kiss me, and your hands wondered to places that they shouldn't have. I heard you moan softly into my ear and you reached to pull my shirt off. I wasn't ready... But if I didn't comply I knew you'd leave. I knew you'd leave more marks on me; matching my black and blue bruises from before.
I didn't say no.
Everything went black and I couldn't breath. The next thing I know, you're on top of me, breathing heavily. I can't remember when you had taken your cloths off, but there you were. There I was.
The room began to spin and I felt sick. I told you to get off of me, but you got closer, kissing my neck and whispering that I'll like it, if only I'd give it a try.
A searing pain made my breath catch in my throat, and tears well at my eyes. You smiled, and went deeper. I held my breath and waited for you to finish, and when you did you kissed me goodbye, and as soon you had come, you were gone.
I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, and I could already feel the self-loathing take over my entire body. I tried to disappear into the shower; maybe I could wash away the guilt, or pain, or maybe even the marks you left on my skin when I tried to push you off of me.
All I seem to do is cry now. I sat in the shower for two hours, and allowed my razor to kiss my thighs the way you did. Two broken promises in one day; who am I becoming?
The days went by unnoticed, and full of pain. I couldn't talk to anyone anymore, for fear of them realizing what I've done. I retreat inside my mind, and hide within my books. But I don't leave you. I've fallen for a boy who had fallen in love with being loved. And it really fucked me up.
The next time you came over you had surprised me, and I was in the shower.
Why was I so surprised when you got in with me?
The boiling water failed to stop my shivers, and the pounding of the music failed to drown out the screaming in my heart.
You pushed me against the wall, holding my hands in yours as you bent me over. Maybe that time you didn't notice me crying as you just went faster. Maybe you did notice and blamed it on the water dripping down from my hair. Or perhaps you simply just didn't care.
It happened again.
And again.
And again.
It began to escalate. I thought I was safe while on my period, but you simply whispered, "Let's pull a 50 shades of grey..." and again.
I started wearing nothing but pants and sweatshirts from the abundance of scars now littering my body. I hated you. But I loved you too. I blamed myself. You wouldn't even wear protection. Not once. I wouldn't leave my bed when I was home. I was always sleeping, because how was I supposed to stay awake and face my demons, when the demons that chased me were awoken because of you, the boy I thought I loved?
I tried to leave you before, and you sent me pictures of you cutting yourself. You swore to me that you couldn't live without me, but two hours later you were on Skype with another girl weren't you? But I loved you too much, and took you back.
We were outside, and you pushed me against the wall, soon forming a bruise. You asked if I wanted something kinky, and before I could intake the question, you had already dropped your pants and had spun me around. You pinned my hands against the wall.
I told you no. I became brave. For once I tried to tell you no. You immediately gripped my hands tighter telling me that it was okay, and you were almost done. I always thought that if I had said no in the first place, non of this would have happened. But that night.. That night outside my window underneath the light of a thousand stars, I heard the truth fill the air. You have told me more lies than I could ever count, but in that moment, you couldn't have been more honest.
You asked if I was willing to receive anal one night, and when I whispered no, you became distant, and angry. Remember how you bruised me because I didn't want it, and then put your finger in anyway? Do you remember that? Do you remember the way I cried when you stopped?
The last time it happened, you had tied me up. You knew I didn't want it, so you took the lace belt from my dress and tied my hands to my bed. You bit my stomach, and left yet another bruise on my body. I didn't mind though. At that point I welcomed the pain, and wanted the abuse. If you hadn't done it, I would have later that night, anyway.
I found out how many times you cheated on me. How many lies you've whispered.
You told me I was your princess, and you were my Marine, but baby, you never planned on joining. You never planned on actually marrying me either, but that's besides the point.
The night you proposed to me, I had gotten into a fight with my mom. It got too heated, and I walked out. I was deemed 'missing' at midnight. The police came to your house looking for me. And after they left, where did you go? You went to the park with another girl. The same girl you were fucking behind my back.
My mother took me to the hospital, for my breakdown, and that's when she noticed the scars. It was the first time I couldn't look her in the eyes because I knew what I'd see if I did look. I'd see fear, and disappointment.
I went into a Psyche ward, but that'll be a different chapter in this story of mine.
You left me broken, and alone. So I left you. It took you two days to be caught by your mom fucking another girl in your bed.
When you left, my heart ripped in half. One half left with you, and the other is stuck with me, filled to the brim with memories. That was the day that I realized that it doesn't have to be a pill, a knife, or a gun that will end your life. Sometimes it's that inevitable goodbye that stops your heart, and I could hear the flat line.
Ever since you first kissed me under the bridge while I was still with him, you have always tasted sour. I lost a diamond while chasing glitter, and I'm sorry that I ever learned your name.
Because of you it hurts to sleep in my bed. The bed that I spent so many nights crying because of you. The bed that I was forced to lose my virginity on. I used to look out my window to look at the stars, but now all I see is that night that you simply went fast as I began to cry. All I see is every time you sneaked in at midnight; all of those 'I love you's' that aren't worth a cent, and all of those goodbye kisses that lasted ten minutes because you didn't want to leave. I can't take a shower without cringing at the past. I can't look at my old favorite blanket for fear that your cologne still lingers.
You broke my heart, then handed it back saying 'hope you can fix that'.
Your name will forever stain my lips, the way my razor has stained my skin.
The day came. You asked me to be yours. I was too blind to see the storm clouds that were forming upon the peaceful sea.
You were there to help me start to sew my heart back together, when in the end it was you tearing me apart at the seams. We started planning forever. You even bought me a ring... Do you remember that? I bet you don't.
I swore that I would be a virgin until my wedding night; is that why you bought the ring? You said you would never hurt me, but then that night the truth came out.
You began to kiss me, and your hands wondered to places that they shouldn't have. I heard you moan softly into my ear and you reached to pull my shirt off. I wasn't ready... But if I didn't comply I knew you'd leave. I knew you'd leave more marks on me; matching my black and blue bruises from before.
I didn't say no.
Everything went black and I couldn't breath. The next thing I know, you're on top of me, breathing heavily. I can't remember when you had taken your cloths off, but there you were. There I was.
The room began to spin and I felt sick. I told you to get off of me, but you got closer, kissing my neck and whispering that I'll like it, if only I'd give it a try.
A searing pain made my breath catch in my throat, and tears well at my eyes. You smiled, and went deeper. I held my breath and waited for you to finish, and when you did you kissed me goodbye, and as soon you had come, you were gone.
I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, and I could already feel the self-loathing take over my entire body. I tried to disappear into the shower; maybe I could wash away the guilt, or pain, or maybe even the marks you left on my skin when I tried to push you off of me.
All I seem to do is cry now. I sat in the shower for two hours, and allowed my razor to kiss my thighs the way you did. Two broken promises in one day; who am I becoming?
The days went by unnoticed, and full of pain. I couldn't talk to anyone anymore, for fear of them realizing what I've done. I retreat inside my mind, and hide within my books. But I don't leave you. I've fallen for a boy who had fallen in love with being loved. And it really fucked me up.
The next time you came over you had surprised me, and I was in the shower.
Why was I so surprised when you got in with me?
The boiling water failed to stop my shivers, and the pounding of the music failed to drown out the screaming in my heart.
You pushed me against the wall, holding my hands in yours as you bent me over. Maybe that time you didn't notice me crying as you just went faster. Maybe you did notice and blamed it on the water dripping down from my hair. Or perhaps you simply just didn't care.
It happened again.
And again.
And again.
It began to escalate. I thought I was safe while on my period, but you simply whispered, "Let's pull a 50 shades of grey..." and again.
I started wearing nothing but pants and sweatshirts from the abundance of scars now littering my body. I hated you. But I loved you too. I blamed myself. You wouldn't even wear protection. Not once. I wouldn't leave my bed when I was home. I was always sleeping, because how was I supposed to stay awake and face my demons, when the demons that chased me were awoken because of you, the boy I thought I loved?
I tried to leave you before, and you sent me pictures of you cutting yourself. You swore to me that you couldn't live without me, but two hours later you were on Skype with another girl weren't you? But I loved you too much, and took you back.
We were outside, and you pushed me against the wall, soon forming a bruise. You asked if I wanted something kinky, and before I could intake the question, you had already dropped your pants and had spun me around. You pinned my hands against the wall.
I told you no. I became brave. For once I tried to tell you no. You immediately gripped my hands tighter telling me that it was okay, and you were almost done. I always thought that if I had said no in the first place, non of this would have happened. But that night.. That night outside my window underneath the light of a thousand stars, I heard the truth fill the air. You have told me more lies than I could ever count, but in that moment, you couldn't have been more honest.
You asked if I was willing to receive anal one night, and when I whispered no, you became distant, and angry. Remember how you bruised me because I didn't want it, and then put your finger in anyway? Do you remember that? Do you remember the way I cried when you stopped?
The last time it happened, you had tied me up. You knew I didn't want it, so you took the lace belt from my dress and tied my hands to my bed. You bit my stomach, and left yet another bruise on my body. I didn't mind though. At that point I welcomed the pain, and wanted the abuse. If you hadn't done it, I would have later that night, anyway.
I found out how many times you cheated on me. How many lies you've whispered.
You told me I was your princess, and you were my Marine, but baby, you never planned on joining. You never planned on actually marrying me either, but that's besides the point.
The night you proposed to me, I had gotten into a fight with my mom. It got too heated, and I walked out. I was deemed 'missing' at midnight. The police came to your house looking for me. And after they left, where did you go? You went to the park with another girl. The same girl you were fucking behind my back.
My mother took me to the hospital, for my breakdown, and that's when she noticed the scars. It was the first time I couldn't look her in the eyes because I knew what I'd see if I did look. I'd see fear, and disappointment.
I went into a Psyche ward, but that'll be a different chapter in this story of mine.
You left me broken, and alone. So I left you. It took you two days to be caught by your mom fucking another girl in your bed.
When you left, my heart ripped in half. One half left with you, and the other is stuck with me, filled to the brim with memories. That was the day that I realized that it doesn't have to be a pill, a knife, or a gun that will end your life. Sometimes it's that inevitable goodbye that stops your heart, and I could hear the flat line.
Ever since you first kissed me under the bridge while I was still with him, you have always tasted sour. I lost a diamond while chasing glitter, and I'm sorry that I ever learned your name.
Because of you it hurts to sleep in my bed. The bed that I spent so many nights crying because of you. The bed that I was forced to lose my virginity on. I used to look out my window to look at the stars, but now all I see is that night that you simply went fast as I began to cry. All I see is every time you sneaked in at midnight; all of those 'I love you's' that aren't worth a cent, and all of those goodbye kisses that lasted ten minutes because you didn't want to leave. I can't take a shower without cringing at the past. I can't look at my old favorite blanket for fear that your cologne still lingers.
You broke my heart, then handed it back saying 'hope you can fix that'.
Your name will forever stain my lips, the way my razor has stained my skin.