Clairvoyance

"Alex, dinner is ready." He heard a knock on the door which woke him up.

"I'm coming." He yawned, stretching his body as he threw on a sweater and followed his dad out to the dining room. After the little scene with his mom, Alex had locked himself in his room, drowning his tears with music until he managed to fall asleep.

“Your mom talked to him.” Alex pushed the voice out of his head as he walked into the dining room where his parents were both seated.

“Hi.” he mumbled quietly, purposely avoiding his mom’s gaze as he took a seat across from her. It was drop dead silent around him; Alex didn’t know what to do with himself.

“How was school son?” his dad asked clearing his throat as he passed Alex a plate.

“It was fine.” he took the plate from his hands and stared at it idly.

“What did you learn today?” he asked, pouring a few spoonfuls of peas onto Alex’s dish.

“How to piss off mommy.”

Alex shook his head angrily; he didn’t need voices right now. It was hard enough to face his parents as it is.

“Just math and stuff.” he answered, fidgeting with his hands on his lap. The three ate in silence and all Alex wanted to do was go back into his room, crawl under the bed sheets, and sleep until he turned 92. He could see out of the corner of his eye the looks his parents were exchanging and it angered him the slightest. Why couldn’t they just tell him what was wrong?

“They think you're crazy.” a cold voice interrupted his thoughts.

“I know.” he agreed quietly.

“You know what?” his dad asked sternly.

“I k-know you like potatoes.” Alex covered up weakly, handing his dad the bowl of vegetables. His dad gave him a knowing look, but didn’t say anything. Alex was thankful his father didn’t make his freakish ‘powers’ a big deal in front of everyone else. Alex did have a close relationship with his dad, or used to anyway. Nevertheless, he trusted him to an extent.

“Alex was eating sweets today,” his mother stated calmly. Alex dropped his fork to look at her.

“She has already told him. She’s doing it to get under your skin.”

“Really? You know you aren’t supposed to Alex.” His dad went along with the enforced lie his mother had implemented. Alex was at a loss of words, watching his dad stuff a forkful of steak into his mouth.

“I’m sorry.” he finally apologized because what else was he supposed to do?

“It’s what has you all hyped up. That’s why he fell asleep. Sugar crash. ” his mother stated, more for her reassurance than anything else. Alex simply nodded and played with the items of food on his plate.

“Aren’t you hungry?” his dad asked after a moment.

“Not really.” he replied truthfully. The pang of hunger from earlier was gone all of a sudden.

“You haven’t ate anything all day Alex.” his mom said concerned.

“I ate the lunch you gave me.” he lied smoothly. He didn’t need his parents upset about his eating habits too.

“We talked about the effects of anorexia before Alex and I don’t th-”

“I’m not anorexic mom.” he cut in.

“Alex,” she took a deep breath and Alex internally groaned. “You can talk to us Alex. If it’s the anorexia that’s making you talk to your-”

“I’m not anorexic!” he cut in, slamming his fist on the table. His mom flinched startled and he instantly felt guilty at the tears forming in her eyes. She was just worried about her son, like all mothers would be.

“I’m sorry mom...I...I just...I don’t know.” he felt defeated.

“You do know. You’re going crazy.” Alex took deep breaths to block it out.

“It’s not your fault Alex...your mother and I are just worried.” his dad said softly and Alex didn’t know what to say. He was confounded, again.

“We just want what’s best for you. We love you and your mom feels like something is wrong and I have to agree with her on this. You won’t let us in, you keep locked in your room, you won’t eat, I know you can’t sleep, and this whole talking to yourself...it’s not healthy.” his father continued calmly. Alex wanted to hit him, he really did. He wanted him to shut up and leave him alone, but something kept pulling him down. He was fighting a battle with himself on whether or not to hurt his dad...he was crazy.

“I’m not crazy dad,” he whispered.

“We know you aren’t.” His mom replied quickly. “You’re just troubled, but that’s ok! We can fix it.”

“That’s why she hired Dr. Williams.” Alex’s face drained of all color.

“Who is Dr. Williams?” he asked her. His mom swallowed uncomfortably.

“Alex wh-”

“Who is she?!” he demanded, beginning to lose his temper again.

“She’s going to help y-”

“Schizophrenia.”

“You think I’m schizophrenic?” he looked at her, her face showed her fear. How did he know all this?

“Dr. Williams says your sympSams are very-”

“YOU HIRED A DOCTOR!” He pointed a finger accusingly. “I am not crazy! I can’t believe you! You promised!” he was referring back to three years ago when he was assured he would no longer have to seek outside help if he did not want to.

“Do not speak to your mother that way!” his dad scolded, standing up.

“You think I’m crazy.” Alex whispered, feeling his hands begin to shake. “I’m n-not crazy.” he choked out, his eyes beginning to spill over with hot tears. Neither of his parents said anything; they just stared as their son broke down.

“They’re judging you Alex. They think you’ve finally broke. They think this is all about Sam.”

“This had nothing to with Sam.” he spoke coldly, narrowing his eyes at his father, who was comforting his mother.

“We didn’t say it did.” his dad replied.

“You were thinking it!” he accused and the look on his mom’s face proved it.

“Alex,” his dad sighed. “This all started after Sam.”

“Alex honey come inside!” his mom yelled from the backdoor of the house. Alex jumped down from their backyard tree and ran inside, closing the door behind him.

“Hi mom.” the eight year old greeted brightly as he walked into the kitchen. She was supposed to be home hours ago from picking up his older brother from school.

“Hi sweetie.” she grinned, a false smile on her face.

“I was getting hungry.” he made his way to the table his mom was sitting at. When she didn’t come over and engulf him in a hug, he knew something was wrong.

“Mom, what’s wrong?” he asked worriedly.

“Nothing sweetie. Do you want some mac’n’cheese?” she smiled down at her son, standing up from her chair and walking to the cupboards.

“Yes please.” he grinned, taking her previous seat. “Can you put extra cheese? I like cheese.”

“Of course.” she nodded, pulling out a pot and filling it with water. “How was school honey?” she continued, she asked this every single night.

“It was great! Someone actually asked me to be their partner for a project today. His name is Evan.” he smiled brightly.

“That’s great.” she replied.

“Yeah! We have to build a rocket. Sam will help me, he said he would.” he bounced in his seat. It was rare when Alex made social interactions outside of school. “Where is Sam? I wanna tell him about my new friend Evan.” he asked excitedly. It was then that his mother dropped the pot of water onto the floor. Her face blank and empty. Alex felt a sudden pang of worry.

“Mom what's wrong.” he asked confused. “Mom?” she didn’t answer. “Mommy.” he tried again, but she wasn't moving, she didn't even look like she was breathing. “Mommy where’s Sam?” he asked quietly. This broke his mother and she started crying. Alex had never seen her cry so hard, not even when she told him he had to stop seeing the voices he heard.

“Mommy.” his lip trembled and felt himself start to cry. He shuffled closer to her, careful about the spilled water and wrapped his arms around her.

“Where is Sam?” he asked again and his mother shook her head, bringing him closer to her arms.

“Alex, Sam isn’t coming home today,” she said, trying to steady her breathing.

“Is he staying over at Andy’s house?” he asked confused.

“No sweetie. He’s not.”

“Will he be back tomorrow?” he questioned and his mother shook her head silently. He didn’t understand why his mother was so upset.

“Alex, honey...Sam isn’t coming back. Not today, or tomorrow, he’s not coming back.”

Alex found out two years later that his brother had shot himself.

“It wasn’t after Sam,” he whispered looking at his parents. “You know it was before that.”

“It was worse after that Alex. You had stopped...it had never been bad. When you were younger it was never dangerous, you were just looking for friends, and you were happy...but you’re starving yourself now. You’re ostracizing yourself. You’re not focused. You're having nightmares. You’re acting like Sam.”

“Can you help me?” Alex stood at the door of his brother’s room with a pair of shoes in his hands. His older brother laughed and motioned him in.

“Come on Lex! You’re already five, you should know how to tie your shoes.” he teased.

“I do know how...I just...my fingers get all twisted up.” he pouted.

“If you say so.” Sam laughed, sitting his little brother on his bed.

“Why do you have so much trash on the floor?” Alex questioned as his left shoe was put on.

“I was hungry.” Sam replied smiling.

“Why doesn’t mommy let us have cookies?” he asked curiously. His mom didn’t allow them to have any sort of junk food, but Sam always snuck him in some cookies and candy.

“It gives you cavities.” Sam wrinkled his nose, finishing the knot on the first foot.

“What’s that?” Alex asked.

“Something bad.”

“But cookies are good.” Alex said confused. How could something good be bad?

“That is true.” Sam grinned, picking up a packet of Oreos off the floor and handing it to Alex. “Just don’t tell mom.” he winked ruffling his hair.

“Ew, the cream is melting.” Alex frowned.

“They still taste good.” Sam promised.

“Can I share them with Vinny and Matt?” Alex asked brightly.

“He’s perfectly fine!” Sam snapped turning around and balling his fist and nothing in particular.

“Sam?” Alex asked quietly, his brother often talked to the wall. Alex was ok with it.

“Sorry Lex.” he breathed turning to face him, smiling again. “You can share them with whoever, ok?”

“Why doesn’t mommy like me talking to them?”

“Because she doesn’t understand.” he said angrily but shook it off for his brother's sake. Alex only talked to Sam about his friends and even though Sam couldn't see them either, he believed him.

“Jordan says he’d like to help you.” Alex said after a second.

“Tell him no thank you.” he said quietly.

“He looks sad Sam. He said he can still help you.” Sam shook his head. “Do you need help? I can help,” he offered

“It’s too late for help Lex.” he smiled knowing his brother could never understand.

“Why?” Sam smiled sadly and kneeled next to his brother, holding onto his wrists softly.

“People like me, people that fall, we can’t get back up again.”

Those words forever haunted Alex. He should have helped; he should have done something.

“We all fall down.” he spoke up, “but Sam, he refused to get back up. I’m not Sam, mom...I’m not going to do the same thing.” Alex said with deep breaths, tears falling silently. His mother looked at him, pain filling her eyes.

“I don’t want you to follow down that path,” she cried. Sam had always been different, and like Alex, he claimed to hear voices. The difference was, he never told his parents. Only Alex knew because Sam wanted to assure his brother he wasn’t crazy or alone. The problem was Sam had been an alcoholic and by age 12 was already doing drugs. His parents blamed that for their son’s odd behavior. They didn't want Alex to do the same thing.

“I won’t mom...please, just please don’t make me see a doctor.”

“He thinks you’re on drugs.”

“I’m not taking anything...I promise...I’m clean.” He looked at his dad pleadingly.

“We don’t want it to get too far. We made that mistake already Alex, if they had detected your brother earlier than he’d st-”

“I’ll stop! I’ll make friends...I’ll eat all you want! I’ll stop talking to myself anything!” he pleaded, his eyes burning into his parents’.

“Don't you realize you shot this family a world of pain?” Alex’s heart broke at that.

“You’re going.” he knew from his mom’s tone that he didn’t have a say in their decision. Alex stood up without another word and made his way up the steps, passing by Sam’s room and stopping momentarily. The door hadn’t been opened in years. He felt a knot at his throat as he gripped the doorknob.

“Alex don’t go in there!” Jordan pleaded, but the eight year old shook his head stubbornly.

“I miss him.” He defended and turned the knob.

“He’s not in there!” Jordan yelled behind him.

“I know that! But...but I just.... I want to.” he couldn't explain it. The temptation to enter his brother’s room was too much now.

“Please. Don’t go! Please stay. ” He was begging Alex now, his hands trying to pull him back but Alex pushed him off. Jordan was crying and calling him over and over again. The second Alex walked in he felt a wave of fear pass through him, and then emptiness.

“Alex!” Jordan pleaded from the door; Alex ignored it and climbed on top of the bed.

“Alex!”

“Leave me alone! I’m not a little kid Jordan!” he screamed back and Jordan walked away sadly.

“Alex who are you talking to!?” His mother yelled from the kitchen.

“No one!”

That was the last time Alex ever heard from Jordan again. In fact,it was the same day he stopped seeing the owner of the voices all together. His mother was furious that day, so he blocked them out successfully for a week, but then the voices returned. He just couldn't see them anymore. He missed Jordan at first, but he found comfort in the new ones eventually. He stared at his hand on the knob, his mind a mess.

“It’s ok Alex, we can get through this.”. Alex looked up, slightly startled at the voice he didn’t recognize. Yet, he nods anyways, letting go of the door and walking back into his room.