You're My Cure
Chapter 13
Alcohol. It was weeks since I last drank a single drop of this poison. I fought the urge to drink for weeks, I wasn't going to let the addiction control my life. I've done so much with Vic, both helping each other to fight the urges. We were each other's cure and we didn't alcohol to feel better now that we had each other. But I didn't care about it anymore. I loved Vic to death, but he couldn't help me right now. I didn't care if I was putting away weeks of being sober and feeling better. I didn't care if I was letting the addiction control me once again. I needed it, I needed it more than anything else. I was so proud of myself for getting rid of the addiction, but it didn't matter anymore. I needed the poison to go down my throat and burn it, I needed the poison that destroyed me for so many years. There were many things that I could handle, but this I couldn't. I could handle having a hard day at work. I could handle arguing a little with Vic. I could handle so many things, but this was impossible to handle. I couldn't lose her, that was simply impossible. She wasn't coming back and I didn't want to feel a thing anymore. I needed the pain to go away and the only cure I knew to do that was alcohol.
**3 hours ago**
I didn't get the news that I expected. I was trying to be positive like Vic told me to. I tried to convince myself that my mother was going to be okay and that she would soon be out of the hospital. But I was more wrong that I have ever been in my entire life. My whole world fell apart when the Doctor told me what happened to my mother. I didn't even find the strengh to cry. I didn't want to believe it, I didn't want it to be true. I couldn't accept it, I couldn't accept that my mother was gone and that she wasn't coming back. I wasn't ready to let her go. I needed her so much, but I could not have her anymore. I was never going to hug anymore. I was never going to hear her laugh anymore. I was never going to call her whenever I felt down anymore. My mother was dead, and she wasn't coming back. She was with the Angels now and I was never going to see her again. It was over, it was too late. The Doctor's words kept playing in mind like they were on repeat, breaking my heart all over again every single time they played in my head.
''Your mother had a heart attack while eating at the restaurant. She wasn't breathing when she got to the hospital. We did our best to save your mother, trust me when I say that we did. We did everything in our power to bring her back, but we couldn't. We attempted so many times to make her heart beat again, but nothing worked. I'm sorry, but your mother didn't survive. She is dead,'' the doctor told me.
The whole time the Doctor was speaking to me, Vic was holding my waist tightly. He was trying to comfort me the best that he could, but it was no use. Nothing could comfort me. Nothing can make you feel better when you learn that your mother is dead and that she isn't coming back. The Doctor was trying to explain me the procedure following someone's death, but I wasn't listening. I needed to get out of there. I needed to find a way to forget, I needed to find an escape from this nightmare. I pushed Vic's hand off of me and ran towards the exit of the hospital, not looking back behind me. I could hear Vic screaming my name, but I didn't care. That was how I found myself running in the streets of the city with the pouring rain falling on me. I was running back home to find an old best friend of mine. I was running back home to meet with the only friend who knew how to make me forget about painful stuff. That was how I found myself locked in Vic's and I's room, drinking multiple beers that I bought at the cheap market down the street.
**Present**
How many beers did I drink in 15 minutes? I didn't know, but the number sure wasn't enough. It would never be enough I was feeling dizzy, but I was already feeling better. Feeling dizzy and sleepy made me forget about reality. It was like I was on a little cloud where everything felt and looked better. How I missed that familiar sensation. How I missed feeling like this. My addiction had the best of me, but I didn't care. I loved it. I loved how it made me feel. As I was about to open another beer, there was a loud knock on the bedroom door. I knew it was Vic and it suddenly made me feel very bad. I started to feel ashamed because I knew that Vic was going to be disappointed in me. He was going to think that I was weak, that I was a loser. I didn't want that. I wanted Vic to be proud of me.
''Kells baby, I know you're in there. Please open the door baby, let me help you. Please,'' Vic begged. ''I know that you hurt and that you think that alcohol is the only solution, but it isn't. Please open the door. Please let me in. Just talk to me Kellin. I just want you to be okay, I'll always be there for you. It was a promise that I made you. We're supposed to be each other's cure, remember?''
I needed him, he was right. He was what I needed at the moment. I didn't need alcohol when I had Vic, my perfect boyfriend. I wasn't just thinking straight. That was the perks of being an alcoholic, it was so easy to fall back into old habits. I threw the beer that I was holding in my hand on the wall along with the other bottles that were still full. I stood up from where I was seating on the bed and walked towards the door in an intoxicated way towards the door. I unlocked it an opened it. As soon as I saw Vic in front of me, I started crying heavily. He didn't waste a second before taking me into his arms. His arms were the only comfort I really needed. I was so stupid to believe that alcohol would help me more than Vic. I felt so bad for Vic, I felt so bad for leaving him in the hospital so I could get drunk on my own.
''I-I'm so sorry V-Vic. I-I'm so weak and I-I'm so sorry t-that I-I disappointed you. I-I need you Vic, it h-hurts so much right now. M-My mom is dead and I don't want to f-feel a thing anymore. I though alcohol would help m-me. I chose alcohol over you and I-I feel so bad. You're my c-cure Vic. Please don't hate me. I-I love you Vic, I can't lose you. I-I know I'm a pathetic loser, but don't leave me. I need you in m-my life more than ever. P-Please stay with me, please d-don't run away from me,'' I said sadly.
''Don't be sorry Kellin. You don't have to be sorry. You're in pain baby, and I can't blame you for turning to alcohol. I will never blame you for that. I would have probably done the same thing if I was in your skin. I'll never be mad at you for drinking when you were supposed to stop. It's perfectly normal to have ups and downs when you're addicted to something. But I'm here for you. I'll help you, I will always help you. I won't let you go Kellin Quinn. You're not going to go through this horrible nightmare on your own. I love you so much baby, and you're not a pathetic loser. You're a beautiful and courageous guy who just lost his mother. It's normal to be sad, it's normal to feel pain. But I'm not going anywhere, I'm staying right here with you. You're not going to be alone. As long as I'll live, I'll be here by your side,'' Vic replied.
''Why did she have to die Vic? Why did my mother have to die? Out of everybody in this big world, why did God decided that it was her time to die? I need my mother Vic. I may be 25 years old, but I need my mother. I need her to tell me that she loves me, I need her to compliment me. She was supposed to be there at our future wedding, she was supposed to be an extraordinary grandmother for the kids that we are going to adopt in the future. I wasn't ready to let her go. She was too young to die. She was finally in love with someone. Her son was finally happy and living a great life. She won't have a chance to enjoy all of those beautiful moments because she is gone. She is gone Vic and she is never coming back. I wish she could, but she can't,'' I said.
''Life is unfair baby. Life will always be unfair. Your mother didn't deserve to die, you didn't deserve to die. It seems like life doesn't want good people to be happy. It always seems like life lets bad people have everything that they can wish for while the best of people keep suffering. I-I wish that I could bring your mother back Kellin, I really wish that I could. B-But life m-must go on. I-I know it is going to hurt for a while and I'm going to be there for you. But your mother would want you to keep smiling, to keep living. She would want you to live for the both of you. Your m-mother was a great woman. And I know that she'll be watching over you and that she will protect you. She will help you even though she won't physically be there. I-I know what it is to lose someone that you love. You n-never forget about them, it will always hurt a little. But you'll always have the memories. They'll always be in your heart,'' Vic added.
He was right. Vic knew what it felt like to lose someone that you cared about. Vic lost his brother. It hurt him at first and he felt it would never get better, liek I did about my mother. But every storm must have an end. And I knew that he was right when he said that it would get easier with time. At least I would have him by my side to help me, I wasn't going to be alone. I wasn't going to ruin my life with alcohol. That wasn't what my mother would have wanted me to do. I needed to stay happy for her, I needed to stay clean for he. That was what she deserved. She fought so many years for my happiness; I wasn't going to let it go away. I would never forget about my mother, but she would always live in my heart. I would go on with my life, because that was what she would have wanted.
But for the moment, things weren't easy. It hurt really much and I couldn't deny the pain. I needed to cry, I needed to express myself. Like the perfect boyfriend that he was, Vic spent the rest of the day with me, laying in bed. We were both silent, not speaking a single world. Vic would hold me tightly into his arms, caressing my hair and my back. I needed time to live my grief, and I was lucky to have Vic by my side to help me go through it.
**3 hours ago**
I didn't get the news that I expected. I was trying to be positive like Vic told me to. I tried to convince myself that my mother was going to be okay and that she would soon be out of the hospital. But I was more wrong that I have ever been in my entire life. My whole world fell apart when the Doctor told me what happened to my mother. I didn't even find the strengh to cry. I didn't want to believe it, I didn't want it to be true. I couldn't accept it, I couldn't accept that my mother was gone and that she wasn't coming back. I wasn't ready to let her go. I needed her so much, but I could not have her anymore. I was never going to hug anymore. I was never going to hear her laugh anymore. I was never going to call her whenever I felt down anymore. My mother was dead, and she wasn't coming back. She was with the Angels now and I was never going to see her again. It was over, it was too late. The Doctor's words kept playing in mind like they were on repeat, breaking my heart all over again every single time they played in my head.
''Your mother had a heart attack while eating at the restaurant. She wasn't breathing when she got to the hospital. We did our best to save your mother, trust me when I say that we did. We did everything in our power to bring her back, but we couldn't. We attempted so many times to make her heart beat again, but nothing worked. I'm sorry, but your mother didn't survive. She is dead,'' the doctor told me.
The whole time the Doctor was speaking to me, Vic was holding my waist tightly. He was trying to comfort me the best that he could, but it was no use. Nothing could comfort me. Nothing can make you feel better when you learn that your mother is dead and that she isn't coming back. The Doctor was trying to explain me the procedure following someone's death, but I wasn't listening. I needed to get out of there. I needed to find a way to forget, I needed to find an escape from this nightmare. I pushed Vic's hand off of me and ran towards the exit of the hospital, not looking back behind me. I could hear Vic screaming my name, but I didn't care. That was how I found myself running in the streets of the city with the pouring rain falling on me. I was running back home to find an old best friend of mine. I was running back home to meet with the only friend who knew how to make me forget about painful stuff. That was how I found myself locked in Vic's and I's room, drinking multiple beers that I bought at the cheap market down the street.
**Present**
How many beers did I drink in 15 minutes? I didn't know, but the number sure wasn't enough. It would never be enough I was feeling dizzy, but I was already feeling better. Feeling dizzy and sleepy made me forget about reality. It was like I was on a little cloud where everything felt and looked better. How I missed that familiar sensation. How I missed feeling like this. My addiction had the best of me, but I didn't care. I loved it. I loved how it made me feel. As I was about to open another beer, there was a loud knock on the bedroom door. I knew it was Vic and it suddenly made me feel very bad. I started to feel ashamed because I knew that Vic was going to be disappointed in me. He was going to think that I was weak, that I was a loser. I didn't want that. I wanted Vic to be proud of me.
''Kells baby, I know you're in there. Please open the door baby, let me help you. Please,'' Vic begged. ''I know that you hurt and that you think that alcohol is the only solution, but it isn't. Please open the door. Please let me in. Just talk to me Kellin. I just want you to be okay, I'll always be there for you. It was a promise that I made you. We're supposed to be each other's cure, remember?''
I needed him, he was right. He was what I needed at the moment. I didn't need alcohol when I had Vic, my perfect boyfriend. I wasn't just thinking straight. That was the perks of being an alcoholic, it was so easy to fall back into old habits. I threw the beer that I was holding in my hand on the wall along with the other bottles that were still full. I stood up from where I was seating on the bed and walked towards the door in an intoxicated way towards the door. I unlocked it an opened it. As soon as I saw Vic in front of me, I started crying heavily. He didn't waste a second before taking me into his arms. His arms were the only comfort I really needed. I was so stupid to believe that alcohol would help me more than Vic. I felt so bad for Vic, I felt so bad for leaving him in the hospital so I could get drunk on my own.
''I-I'm so sorry V-Vic. I-I'm so weak and I-I'm so sorry t-that I-I disappointed you. I-I need you Vic, it h-hurts so much right now. M-My mom is dead and I don't want to f-feel a thing anymore. I though alcohol would help m-me. I chose alcohol over you and I-I feel so bad. You're my c-cure Vic. Please don't hate me. I-I love you Vic, I can't lose you. I-I know I'm a pathetic loser, but don't leave me. I need you in m-my life more than ever. P-Please stay with me, please d-don't run away from me,'' I said sadly.
''Don't be sorry Kellin. You don't have to be sorry. You're in pain baby, and I can't blame you for turning to alcohol. I will never blame you for that. I would have probably done the same thing if I was in your skin. I'll never be mad at you for drinking when you were supposed to stop. It's perfectly normal to have ups and downs when you're addicted to something. But I'm here for you. I'll help you, I will always help you. I won't let you go Kellin Quinn. You're not going to go through this horrible nightmare on your own. I love you so much baby, and you're not a pathetic loser. You're a beautiful and courageous guy who just lost his mother. It's normal to be sad, it's normal to feel pain. But I'm not going anywhere, I'm staying right here with you. You're not going to be alone. As long as I'll live, I'll be here by your side,'' Vic replied.
''Why did she have to die Vic? Why did my mother have to die? Out of everybody in this big world, why did God decided that it was her time to die? I need my mother Vic. I may be 25 years old, but I need my mother. I need her to tell me that she loves me, I need her to compliment me. She was supposed to be there at our future wedding, she was supposed to be an extraordinary grandmother for the kids that we are going to adopt in the future. I wasn't ready to let her go. She was too young to die. She was finally in love with someone. Her son was finally happy and living a great life. She won't have a chance to enjoy all of those beautiful moments because she is gone. She is gone Vic and she is never coming back. I wish she could, but she can't,'' I said.
''Life is unfair baby. Life will always be unfair. Your mother didn't deserve to die, you didn't deserve to die. It seems like life doesn't want good people to be happy. It always seems like life lets bad people have everything that they can wish for while the best of people keep suffering. I-I wish that I could bring your mother back Kellin, I really wish that I could. B-But life m-must go on. I-I know it is going to hurt for a while and I'm going to be there for you. But your mother would want you to keep smiling, to keep living. She would want you to live for the both of you. Your m-mother was a great woman. And I know that she'll be watching over you and that she will protect you. She will help you even though she won't physically be there. I-I know what it is to lose someone that you love. You n-never forget about them, it will always hurt a little. But you'll always have the memories. They'll always be in your heart,'' Vic added.
He was right. Vic knew what it felt like to lose someone that you cared about. Vic lost his brother. It hurt him at first and he felt it would never get better, liek I did about my mother. But every storm must have an end. And I knew that he was right when he said that it would get easier with time. At least I would have him by my side to help me, I wasn't going to be alone. I wasn't going to ruin my life with alcohol. That wasn't what my mother would have wanted me to do. I needed to stay happy for her, I needed to stay clean for he. That was what she deserved. She fought so many years for my happiness; I wasn't going to let it go away. I would never forget about my mother, but she would always live in my heart. I would go on with my life, because that was what she would have wanted.
But for the moment, things weren't easy. It hurt really much and I couldn't deny the pain. I needed to cry, I needed to express myself. Like the perfect boyfriend that he was, Vic spent the rest of the day with me, laying in bed. We were both silent, not speaking a single world. Vic would hold me tightly into his arms, caressing my hair and my back. I needed time to live my grief, and I was lucky to have Vic by my side to help me go through it.