You're My Cure

Kellin's P.O.V.

Another week went by and it was nothing but easy. It probably was the worst week that I had in months. Even though I wasn't legally authorized to drink, I did. I drank more than I did in the past few months. My mother didn't know about know, nobody did. If someone caught me, I could have gone to jail and it was the last thing that I really wanted. Still, it would have been a great way to not see Vic again. I was shocked that Vic was back in my life. It was hard seeing him again and knowing that he was never going to be mine ever again. Seeing him again brought back so many memories and I wanted them to stop invading my mind. That was why I drank like the alcoholic loser that I was. It wasn't like people could expect better things from me. Nobody cared if I failed or not.

I wasn't only sad, I was also angry. Vic's words kept playing in my mind over and over again. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear his apologies, it was too late for that. I didn't want to hear him say that he would have been there for me if he had known how a mess I was. I didn't want to hear him say that he would have supported me. He didn't do that and it was too late to go back in the past and change things. Plus, it made me feel like he would have helped me because of the guilt he would have felt, and not because he truly cared about me. I saw in Vic's eyes that he felt responsible of my state and that he wanted to make things better. Not for me, but for his own sake and soul. He would have to live with his guilt, because there was no way that I could be saved.

It was time for my second group meeting, and I didn't want to go. I didn't feel like socializing with people who obviously didn't care about me and most of all, I didn't want to be anywhere near Vic. I knew that he was going to try to talk to me again and try to cheer me up, but I didn't want that. He was going to apologize again, lie straight in my face. I didn't want that. What I wanted was the old us back, the couple that we used to be. I wanted us to still be in love. I wanted us to still live together and plan our future. I wanted us to be happy as we shared every single day of our lives with each other. I wanted Vic to be mine again, and I wanted to be his. That what was planned from the start when we first started dating. But that was a silly dream, I wasn't going to ever get that again. My hopes died along with me years ago.

My mother dropped me at my meeting and wished me good luck. I loved my mother. Even though she started to have enough of me and my depressive state, she was always there for me. I knew that she was never going to give up on me no matter what would happen. She was a great woman who wanted what was best for me. I was perfectly conscious that seeing me like that wasn't easy for her. She would always see me cry and drink away my problems. She would try to encourage me and she was never judging me. All mothers want their kids to succeed and be happy and I was the perfect opposite of that goal. I was lucky to have her in my life. If it wasn't for her, I would have killed myself years ago.

I gave my mother a kiss on the cheek and my way to support group and waved her goodbye. I took a deep breath and entered this place that was my new hell. It was a place that I was stuck in for weeks. As I climbed the stairs, I noticed that there was someone waiting outside of the room. Of course, it had to be Vic. That was just my luck. It was hard enough to be in the same room as him, that was too much.

''Hey Kellin, how are you?'' Vic asked.

''Don't talk to me Vic,'' I answered.

I walked past him and made my way in the large room. Rian and the other men were all already there. Vic followed me and we both took place in the circle. Of course, our chairs had to be side by side. That was another sign that life hated me and wanted to make me suffer, make me feel bad and hurt. I could feel Vic's eyes on me and I didn't look at him. If I did, I would have started crying and I didn't want to look more vulnerable that I already was. I took deep breaths and chased away the tears. It was only a few hours, I could do it.

''Welcome back everyone for our second meeting. I'm glad to see that you all showed up again,'' Rian said. ''Before we begin our session, I would love each one of you to close their eyes.'' I closed my eyes as Rian asked, wondering where this was going to lead to.

''Now, I want you to raise your hand if you drank alcohol this week, no matter the quantity,'' Rian demanded. I raised my hand because I didn't feel like lying about this. I wasn't ashamed of drinking again and I was pretty certain that I wasn't the only one in the room that actually did drink again.

''Now, I want you to open your eyes,'' Rian said. I did and I noticed that every single one person in the room, except Rian, had their hands raised. We all looked at each other before we all put our hands down again. It made me feel better about myself, to know that I wasn't the only who had a real problem, that we all had our issues and that even though we were all different, we still were the same.

''It's pretty normal as this stage of the therapy that every one of you raised their hand. As the weeks go by, you'll learn how to deal with the urges and the number of hands raised will decreased as well. Don't feel ashamed about yourself. I'm already very proud and happy, because you're all here tonight when you could be doing something else. It shows that you really want to be helped and that you are motivated,'' Rian said.

I wasn't so secure about myself anymore. I was scared that I would be the only who would never learn how to deal with the urges. I was afraid that I would be the only one in the group that would always drink and would never get better. I was afraid that everybody would have the life that they deserved but me. I was scared that I would always be a loser that would live in his mother's house because he couldn't stop drinking. I felt weak and vulnerable and I didn't believe in myself. I didn't believe that I could be happy once again.

''For today's exercise, I'm going to ask you something difficult. Some of you may cry, but I believe that it needs to be done. After analysing your stories that you told us last week, I realized that you all started drinking because someone caused you pain. Someone caused you pain by breaking up with you, by cheating on you, by abandonning you, etc. Today, I'm going to ask you to speak to me as I was that person who hurt you. You're going to tell me everything that you've kept inside of you for so long. You are going to let out all of your frustrations. I'm certain that it will make you feel better,'' Rian explained.

We all nodded and turn by turn, people started speaking. There were tears, screams, swearing and way more. Every single one of us were truly hurt. Some men first looked so tough to me, but they were the first to actually cry. The ones who seemed to be the toughest were actually simply hiding the pain that they were feeling deep inside of them. Most of us never had someone who we could talk to about our problems and our pain. It was great to finally me able to speak out loud how we were truly feeling about those human beings who pratically messed up our lives. I never said how I truly felt about Vic, I never really had the chance. I never really had the opportunity to say all the things that he made me feel. He knew some of them, but he was now going to know everything, just after he would be done speaking his heart out.

''I started drinking after my little brother killed himself. Mike, if you can hear me, I want you know that I miss you more than anything else. You were everything to me, not just a little brother. I cared so much about you. You said that you would always be there for me, but you broke your promise. The first few months, I was so mad at you for leaving me. I was mad that you left me on my own in this big great world. I didn't want to live if I couldn't have you by my side. I wanted you back, but there was no way to bring you back. You were gone forever. You were supposed to like Mike, you were supposed to have an amazing life. You were supposed to chase after all your dreams. But you didn't. 2 years later, it still hurt as much but I want you to know that I'm not mad anymore and that I forgive you. I wished things were different, but I can't put the blame on you anymore. I love you so much Mike, I'll always love you no matter where you are. You'll always be my little brother, and I'm doing this for you. I'm going to get better for you, because I love you and I want to be proud of your big brother,'' Vic said.

Would look at that? Vic was mad at Mike for breaking his promises. He was mad at his brother who promised him he would always be there for him no matter what, that we would never abandonned him. Yet, Mike broke his promises, much like Vic did. I figured that those were the kind of promises that you couldn't make, because they would always end up broken, making people feel bad and sad.

''That was beautiful Vic, thank you. Kellin, you're last. We're listening to you,'' Rian replied.

''As you know, I started drinking when my boyfriend broke up with me five years ago. Here's what I have to say to him. You made me loved you. We were young at that time, we were only fourteen when we started dating. But, I knew we were meant to be. Remember how you used to tell me forever and always? Remember all the promises that we made? Because I do and I will always do. You were always so kind to me, always making me feel like I was the most important person in the entire world. You treated me like a prince, making me believe that you would always be there for me. We had plans for the future. We even started them by moving together after high school. We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together, that was what you kept telling me every single day. Every single day, you kept telling me how much you loved me and that you would never leave me. I was dumb enough to believe you because I loved you like crazy. You were everything to me. But then, you broke up with me on our 6th anniversary. You didn't even give me any reason, you just said that you didn't feel the passion from the beginning. But guess what? It is normal that the passion from the beginning fades away a little to give more place to tenderness and other stuff. But no, you just dump me. You abandonned me and never even tried to contact me again. In a few seconds, you forgot about the 6 years that we spent together. And I'm never going to be able to do it. Because no matter how much I'm hurt and how I can hate you for breaking all of your promises, I still love you,'' I said, doing my best not to cry.

As I was done talking, I felt a small squeeze on my knee. I turned around and noticed Vic's hand on my knee, as if he was trying to give me some source of comfort. It was too late for that, he had 6 years to help me but he didn't take them. I pushed away his hand, I didn't him to touch me. Just his touch was enough to bring all the memories that were the cause to my despair. He wouldn't take no for answer since he put it right back on my knee. He gave me a small smile which I ignored. What was he trying to do?

''I'm sorry,'' he whispered.

That was too much for me. I didn't want to be in there anymore. I stood up from my chair and ran towards the door. I needed fresh air, I needed to escape this hell. I went down the stairs so quickly that I almost tripped four times. When I got outside, it was raining. It was the perfect temperature to match my mood. I collapsed to the ground and bursted into tears. For years, I thought that seeing Vic again would make things better, but I was wrong. I thought that having him in my life again would help me, but it wasn't. Wherever he was, he was hurting me. When was it ever going to stop? Was i going to hurt of my life because of the man who stole my heart when I just a teenager? Was I ever going to forget about him? I wished for the best, because it was becoming too hard to handle, and I had enough.