You're My Cure
Chapter 5
I didn't go to group support that week. It wasn't that I didn't want to, I just couldn't. I would rather be there than be stuck in this bed in this big white room. They wouldn't let me go, they wouldn't let me leave this place. They didn't want to let me go back home, not after what I did. Doctors said it was best for me to stay in the hospital for a few more days until they were certain that I wasn't a danger for myself anymore and that I wasn't going to try again. I regretted what I did. I was filled with guilt, shame and regrets. I told them about it, but they wouldn't believe me. They didn't listen, they just kept me prisonner in this place that felt like hell. I figured that this was what you get after trying to kill yourself and failing miserably. It was just another thing that I couldn't do correctly, like the big loser I was. It was nothing new, it just confirmed the facts.
****3 days earlier****
How much did I have to drink? A lot. Was it too much? No, too much didn't exist with me. I have always been a heavy drinker, but that night, I drank more than I have ever did before. I felt so low, so miserable. It was because of him, it always was because of him. It always was Vic's fault, Vic was the one who did this to me in the first place. He was the one who turned me into a loser, he was the on who broke me, he was the one who completely ruined my life. He was the one to blame, he was the one who led me to drink to forget, and to forget that I drink. I always fought to stay alive, not to kill myself. But when I saw him with this guy in this Café, I didn't feel like keeping my promise anymore. I just wanted to be gone forever.
Vic was there with a guy that I haven't seen before. They were pretty close from each other, so close that their lips touched and so did their tongues. I always believed that Vic found someone that was better than me, but seeing it in front of me was too hard to handle. It was so hard to see the boy that I loved being intimate with someone that wasn't me. It was so hard to see Vic enjoying kissing a guy that wasn't me. It was a scene I wished I had never seen because it broke me even more than I already was. Not only did it broke my heart over and over again, it also broke the very low self-confidance that I still had about myself.
When I looked at the guy Vic was kissing, I felt so pathetic and ugly. I understood why Vic loved him and not me. He was everything that I wasn't. He was tall while I was way too short. He was a little tanned while I was as pale as the snow. He was muscular while I was just skin and bones. He had beautiful brown hair while mine was just black and boring. He was perfect while I was ugly. He was handsome while I was just a big piece of shit. He was just like Vic, he was beautiful. And beautiful people go together while ugly people go together. I just wished I could have been pretty enough for Vic to like me, to want to spend the rest of his life with me and not with somebody else.
I came back home and starting drinking some vodka. It started with a few shots and ended with almost the entire contents of the bottle. I was feeling dizzy, more than I have ever been. I wanted to die, I wanted to stop feeling the pain. Alcohol used to make the pain go away for a little while, but it wasn't working that night. It just made it worst than it already was. I couldn't stop thinking about Vic and that boy kissing. I couldn't stop thinking about my past and it hurt me. It hurt me so much that I wasn't thinking right anymore. I wanted this pain to end, I didn't want to feel a thing anymore, not a single thing. I had a plan and it was going to work perfectly with my mom being away from home that night.
I made my way to my mother's bathroom where I knew she kept some pain killers. My mother always had problems with her back, making her suffer big time. She once talked to me about those pills and how strong they were and how effective they could be. They were just what I needed to escape my horrible and dull reality. Nobody was going to care about my death, but my mother. She would cry but she would get over it because I never was an exceptionnal human being. There was nothing special about me. Nobody would show up at my funerals because I had no friends anymore. I was forever alone and it was going to make everything so easier for me. I had no reason to stay, nobody to rely on. I was on my own, I was always going to be.
I searched for my mother's pain killers and found them at the top of the drawer. I opened the little bottle and swallowed a first pill. Before swallowing another one, I stopped for a moment to think. Was that what I really wanted? Did I really want to die? I did and the mix of pills and alcohol was going to be the cause of my death and nobody was going to stop me. So I swallowed another pill, than another one until the little bottle was empty. I was feeling absolutely dizzy, feeling my body getting weaker and weaker. Death was coming and there was no turning back. I closed my eyes and let time do its job. I closed my eyes and let time work its magic so it would bring me in a whole new better place where I would finally feel free.
This wasn't what happened. I woke up a few hours later, fully alive. I was in the hospital, the last place where I wanted to be. I wasn't dead and I didn't understand why. Most of all, I didn't want to be alive. I wanted to be dead, my plan was supposed to work. A doctor came into my room and explained to me what happened. He told me how my mother found me passed out on the floor of the bathroom and that she called an ambulance. They told me that if my mother had found me 5 minutes later, I would have been dead. She found me just in time, saving my life. I didn't want to be saved. When the doctor left, I bursted into tears, thinking about how miserable and useless I was.
****Present****
Now that a couple of days passed, I wasn't so angry that I was still alive anymore. I was mostly angry at myself because I couldn't even succeed in doing the easiest thing in the entire world. In the end, I was gratefull that my mother found me. I realized that I didn't really want to die and that I wasn't thinking straight at all. Seeing Vic and that guy was the cause of that irrational action. I wouldn't have tried to kill myelf if I hadn't seen them kissing in the middle of the day. I realized that even though I was in pain I still wanted to live. I had a purpose in life and killing myself wouldn't have allowed me to reach my destination. My purpose was to get better, and I still had a little tiny bit of faith that I would one day.
My mother didn't leave my side after I was admitted into the hospital. She called sick at her job because she wanted to stay with me. I had seen my mother cry before, but never as much as she did in the past days. She told me that she was scared to lose me because I was her everything. I was her strenght and what gave a sense to her life. She told me how important to her I was and how she just wanted me to be happy. She thanked God for deciding to come home early that night. It was like He gave her sign that something bad was happening. She was simply thankful that I was still alive and that I would be okay. She was such a loving and caring mother. I would have missed her so much on the other side, she was the most important person to me in my life.
For now, she was somewhere else in the hospital probably eating or taking some fresh air. It wasn't healthy for her to stay by my side for such a long period of time. She would always make sure I was okay by asking me multiple questions, barely even giving me time to rest. Since she would be away for a while, I took the opportunity to close my eyes and relax in the hopes that I would fall asleep. I felt peaceful, not trying to think about dark stuff. Maybe it was the medecine that the doctors were giving me that helped me feel a little better. As I relaxed, someone grabbed my hand. I believed it would be my mother but it couldn't be. The hand holding mine wasn't soft and was bigger than my mom's. I opened my eyes and saw Vic seating by my side, crying.
''What are you doing here?'' I asked weakly. I didn't have the strenght to fight with him.
''You weren't at support group so I-I asked Rian if you just decided to stop showing up and stuff. And then, even though he wasn't supposed to, he told me t-that your mother called him saying that you actually tried to kill yourself and that you were now in the hospital. And I-I lost it. Why would you t-try to kill yourself Kellin?'' Vic answered sadly.
''I was sad and I wasn't thinking straight. I-I saw something that hurt me and I guess I just lost it. Irrationality took over rationality, so I-I just came home and drank a lot before I swallowed a dozen of pain killers. And yeah, I was supposed to die, but my mother found me and kind of saved me. So here I am, the pathetic loser who actually attempted suicide but who failed miserably,'' I said.
''I-I saw you a few days ago at that Café. I saw you leaving the place crying and all in pain. It was because you saw me kissing Alex, right? I'm the one who led you to actually want to kill yourself?'' Vic wondered. I didn't answer, but my silence was enough to give him an answer.
''I'm such an horrible human being. I'm causing you pain even though I don't want to. I'm hurting you without touching you or being near you. I-I'm so sorry Kellin, I-I don't want you to die. I don't want to hurt, but I keep doing it. I keep hurting you and this is all my f-fault. I'm a monster, an horrible m-monster,'' Vic added.
I felt guilty. Sure, Vic was the reason I was hurting, but it wasn't his fault. He was not the one who told me to kill myself. He was not the one who told me to become depressed and turn into a huge alcoholic. He didn't want what was happening to me, yet he felt like everything was his fault. I wasn't a monster. Even though he hurt me, the last thing I wanted was for him to feel like he would be the cause of my death. I didn't want that, everything but that.
''P-Please don't say that Vic. This isn't your fault, I-'' I said but was soonly cut off by Vic.
''Yes, it's my fault. Everything that happened to you was because of me. You became depressed because I broke up with you. You went back to your mother because I kicked you out of our place. You started drinking because I never returned your calls. And now, you tried to kill yourself because you saw me kissing a guy. Can't you see that this is all my fault?'' Vic said before he bursted into tears.
I sat up a little on my bed and wrapped my arms around him, taking him in a hug. He wrapped his arms around me and cried in the crook of my neck. I have seen Vic so vulnerable before, this was a totally new side of him. I hugged him tightly and we stayed in this position until my mother came back from doing whatever she was doing. When Vic saw her, he left the room, probably not wanting to be anywhere around her. As I watched him leave, I realized that maybe he was the one I needed to get better. I believed he was the cure I needed, the cure I needed to heal me.
****3 days earlier****
How much did I have to drink? A lot. Was it too much? No, too much didn't exist with me. I have always been a heavy drinker, but that night, I drank more than I have ever did before. I felt so low, so miserable. It was because of him, it always was because of him. It always was Vic's fault, Vic was the one who did this to me in the first place. He was the one who turned me into a loser, he was the on who broke me, he was the one who completely ruined my life. He was the one to blame, he was the one who led me to drink to forget, and to forget that I drink. I always fought to stay alive, not to kill myself. But when I saw him with this guy in this Café, I didn't feel like keeping my promise anymore. I just wanted to be gone forever.
Vic was there with a guy that I haven't seen before. They were pretty close from each other, so close that their lips touched and so did their tongues. I always believed that Vic found someone that was better than me, but seeing it in front of me was too hard to handle. It was so hard to see the boy that I loved being intimate with someone that wasn't me. It was so hard to see Vic enjoying kissing a guy that wasn't me. It was a scene I wished I had never seen because it broke me even more than I already was. Not only did it broke my heart over and over again, it also broke the very low self-confidance that I still had about myself.
When I looked at the guy Vic was kissing, I felt so pathetic and ugly. I understood why Vic loved him and not me. He was everything that I wasn't. He was tall while I was way too short. He was a little tanned while I was as pale as the snow. He was muscular while I was just skin and bones. He had beautiful brown hair while mine was just black and boring. He was perfect while I was ugly. He was handsome while I was just a big piece of shit. He was just like Vic, he was beautiful. And beautiful people go together while ugly people go together. I just wished I could have been pretty enough for Vic to like me, to want to spend the rest of his life with me and not with somebody else.
I came back home and starting drinking some vodka. It started with a few shots and ended with almost the entire contents of the bottle. I was feeling dizzy, more than I have ever been. I wanted to die, I wanted to stop feeling the pain. Alcohol used to make the pain go away for a little while, but it wasn't working that night. It just made it worst than it already was. I couldn't stop thinking about Vic and that boy kissing. I couldn't stop thinking about my past and it hurt me. It hurt me so much that I wasn't thinking right anymore. I wanted this pain to end, I didn't want to feel a thing anymore, not a single thing. I had a plan and it was going to work perfectly with my mom being away from home that night.
I made my way to my mother's bathroom where I knew she kept some pain killers. My mother always had problems with her back, making her suffer big time. She once talked to me about those pills and how strong they were and how effective they could be. They were just what I needed to escape my horrible and dull reality. Nobody was going to care about my death, but my mother. She would cry but she would get over it because I never was an exceptionnal human being. There was nothing special about me. Nobody would show up at my funerals because I had no friends anymore. I was forever alone and it was going to make everything so easier for me. I had no reason to stay, nobody to rely on. I was on my own, I was always going to be.
I searched for my mother's pain killers and found them at the top of the drawer. I opened the little bottle and swallowed a first pill. Before swallowing another one, I stopped for a moment to think. Was that what I really wanted? Did I really want to die? I did and the mix of pills and alcohol was going to be the cause of my death and nobody was going to stop me. So I swallowed another pill, than another one until the little bottle was empty. I was feeling absolutely dizzy, feeling my body getting weaker and weaker. Death was coming and there was no turning back. I closed my eyes and let time do its job. I closed my eyes and let time work its magic so it would bring me in a whole new better place where I would finally feel free.
This wasn't what happened. I woke up a few hours later, fully alive. I was in the hospital, the last place where I wanted to be. I wasn't dead and I didn't understand why. Most of all, I didn't want to be alive. I wanted to be dead, my plan was supposed to work. A doctor came into my room and explained to me what happened. He told me how my mother found me passed out on the floor of the bathroom and that she called an ambulance. They told me that if my mother had found me 5 minutes later, I would have been dead. She found me just in time, saving my life. I didn't want to be saved. When the doctor left, I bursted into tears, thinking about how miserable and useless I was.
****Present****
Now that a couple of days passed, I wasn't so angry that I was still alive anymore. I was mostly angry at myself because I couldn't even succeed in doing the easiest thing in the entire world. In the end, I was gratefull that my mother found me. I realized that I didn't really want to die and that I wasn't thinking straight at all. Seeing Vic and that guy was the cause of that irrational action. I wouldn't have tried to kill myelf if I hadn't seen them kissing in the middle of the day. I realized that even though I was in pain I still wanted to live. I had a purpose in life and killing myself wouldn't have allowed me to reach my destination. My purpose was to get better, and I still had a little tiny bit of faith that I would one day.
My mother didn't leave my side after I was admitted into the hospital. She called sick at her job because she wanted to stay with me. I had seen my mother cry before, but never as much as she did in the past days. She told me that she was scared to lose me because I was her everything. I was her strenght and what gave a sense to her life. She told me how important to her I was and how she just wanted me to be happy. She thanked God for deciding to come home early that night. It was like He gave her sign that something bad was happening. She was simply thankful that I was still alive and that I would be okay. She was such a loving and caring mother. I would have missed her so much on the other side, she was the most important person to me in my life.
For now, she was somewhere else in the hospital probably eating or taking some fresh air. It wasn't healthy for her to stay by my side for such a long period of time. She would always make sure I was okay by asking me multiple questions, barely even giving me time to rest. Since she would be away for a while, I took the opportunity to close my eyes and relax in the hopes that I would fall asleep. I felt peaceful, not trying to think about dark stuff. Maybe it was the medecine that the doctors were giving me that helped me feel a little better. As I relaxed, someone grabbed my hand. I believed it would be my mother but it couldn't be. The hand holding mine wasn't soft and was bigger than my mom's. I opened my eyes and saw Vic seating by my side, crying.
''What are you doing here?'' I asked weakly. I didn't have the strenght to fight with him.
''You weren't at support group so I-I asked Rian if you just decided to stop showing up and stuff. And then, even though he wasn't supposed to, he told me t-that your mother called him saying that you actually tried to kill yourself and that you were now in the hospital. And I-I lost it. Why would you t-try to kill yourself Kellin?'' Vic answered sadly.
''I was sad and I wasn't thinking straight. I-I saw something that hurt me and I guess I just lost it. Irrationality took over rationality, so I-I just came home and drank a lot before I swallowed a dozen of pain killers. And yeah, I was supposed to die, but my mother found me and kind of saved me. So here I am, the pathetic loser who actually attempted suicide but who failed miserably,'' I said.
''I-I saw you a few days ago at that Café. I saw you leaving the place crying and all in pain. It was because you saw me kissing Alex, right? I'm the one who led you to actually want to kill yourself?'' Vic wondered. I didn't answer, but my silence was enough to give him an answer.
''I'm such an horrible human being. I'm causing you pain even though I don't want to. I'm hurting you without touching you or being near you. I-I'm so sorry Kellin, I-I don't want you to die. I don't want to hurt, but I keep doing it. I keep hurting you and this is all my f-fault. I'm a monster, an horrible m-monster,'' Vic added.
I felt guilty. Sure, Vic was the reason I was hurting, but it wasn't his fault. He was not the one who told me to kill myself. He was not the one who told me to become depressed and turn into a huge alcoholic. He didn't want what was happening to me, yet he felt like everything was his fault. I wasn't a monster. Even though he hurt me, the last thing I wanted was for him to feel like he would be the cause of my death. I didn't want that, everything but that.
''P-Please don't say that Vic. This isn't your fault, I-'' I said but was soonly cut off by Vic.
''Yes, it's my fault. Everything that happened to you was because of me. You became depressed because I broke up with you. You went back to your mother because I kicked you out of our place. You started drinking because I never returned your calls. And now, you tried to kill yourself because you saw me kissing a guy. Can't you see that this is all my fault?'' Vic said before he bursted into tears.
I sat up a little on my bed and wrapped my arms around him, taking him in a hug. He wrapped his arms around me and cried in the crook of my neck. I have seen Vic so vulnerable before, this was a totally new side of him. I hugged him tightly and we stayed in this position until my mother came back from doing whatever she was doing. When Vic saw her, he left the room, probably not wanting to be anywhere around her. As I watched him leave, I realized that maybe he was the one I needed to get better. I believed he was the cure I needed, the cure I needed to heal me.