You're My Cure

Vic's P.O.V.

I went to group meeting that week in the hopes that Kellin and I could talk. After he rushed out of the room the previous week crying heavily, I felt so bad. I have always been a nice guy who hated causing pain to people I cared about . And yet, I was the one who was causing pain to Kellin. I was the one who ruined his life, I was the only to blame. I really needed to talk to him. I knew Kellin wouldn't want to hear my apologies, but I needed to tell him how sorry I was once again. I just wanted him to be happy, because he deserved it. He deserved so many great things in life, but he didn't believe he did. I had to find a way to make him change his mind. But when Rian started speaking, Kellin wasn't in the room and it worried me a little.

When Rian told what Kellin did to himself, I felt my heart broke. I knew he was sad, but I didn't know it was that bad. I didn't know he was so sad to the point he wanted to put an end to his life. Even though we haven't talked for years, he still was an important part of my life and I couldn't lose him. I was always going to be attached to him. I already lost someone important to suicide, I couldn't handle losing one more. I felt so guilty, I felt like I was the one who led Kellin to kill himself. I felt like I could have been the cause of his death, like if my body was transformed into dozens of pills that he swallowed. I could have stopped him like I could have stopped Michael from killing himself, but I didn't. Thankfully, he survived and I decided that it was finally time for me to make things between us right again.

First thing I did was going to see him at the hospital. He probably wasn't going to be pleased with my presence, but I had to go. Both my head and heart were telling me to go. I texted Alex telling him I would come back home later. I didn't tell him where I was heading because I didn't want to argue with him. He knew everything about Kellin and I, but he didn't like when I talked about him. He hated it when we started dating, he hated it even more now because I was talking about him more now that he was back in my life. I never understood why it made him mad. He talked about his ex, Jack, all the time while I couldn't talk about mine who now needed my help. It was like he had the right to be jealous while I didn't.

I pushed the thoughts away when I reached the hospital. The visiting hours were almost over so I didn't waste time in asking a nurse where I could find the psychiatric unit. She gave me a few instructions to help me get there. This hospital was so big that I could have easily got lost. I thanked her and made my way to the unit. I was shaking, I was a nervous wreck. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what I was going to say and what was going to happen. I needed to relax but I couldn't. When I reached the unit, I asked the secretary to give me Kellin's room number. She hesitated a bit but accepted when I told her I was his brother. I made my way to Kellin's room and totally lost it when I saw him in his bed. I thanked God that he was still alive, I didn't want to lose another person to suicide.

There were so many machines around him. He looked so fragile and vulnerable. He was so pale and skinny. He wasn't the happy guy I used to know, that guy was long time gone. I wanted the old him back. Not just for me, but for Kellin. I wanted him to be happy, just like I would want everybody else to be happy. He deserved everything good in this world and I felt like I was the one who actually took it all away from him. I was a monster, a cruel human being. I abandonned him when I should have been there for him. I broke up with him and acted like we never did. I acted like I never loved him when I actually loved him like crazy. He was my first love and he would always mean a lot to me. Yet, I acted like he was just some stranger I didn't care about. It was all my fault, I only had myself to blame. I took Kellin's hand in mine, thinking about all the things I was going to say to him.

I needed him to know how guilty I felt. I needed him to know how sorry I was and that I never meant for this to happen. I let out all of my emotions and I felt better after doing it. Even though Kellin didn't agree with me, I knew that I was a monster. I knew that I was an horrible human being and I couldn't deny it even if I wanted to. Kellin tried to say that it wasn't my fault, that I wasn't the one who told him to kill himself. Yet, I knew that it was my fault. I may not have been the one who made him swallow the pills, but I was the one who made him want to do it. It made it even worst knowing that I could have been the reason of his death. I wished I could turn back time and make things better for the both of us, but I couldn't.

Kellin took me by surprise when he hugged me. I didn't know what that hug meant, but I hugged him back. I needed some comfort and Kellin gave it to me. Nobody could hug like Kellin, his hugs always were so warm and comforting. I was crying in the crook of his neck while he just caressed my hair, trying to make me feel better. I didn't understand why he was being so nice to me. I didn't know why he didn't yell at me. But that was how Kellin was... He has always been a caring guy who loved comforting people. That was what I loved the most about him when he dated. He always had the right words to cheer me up, he always was there for me. And I was stupid enough to abandon him after we broke up, after everything that he did for me. When I was done crying, I went to leave the room, but Kellin grabbed my hand, seating me back next to him.

''Promise me that you will stop blaming yourself. I don't want you to blame yourself. I know it must have been hard for you at group meetings, to just...sit there and hear me talk about you. I'm sorry that you had to hear that, but I had to let it all out. I meant most of the things that I said, I won't lie to you. At first, I'll admit...I wanted to make you feel bad. But now that I see how guilty you feel, I regret it. I don't want you to see yourself as a monster, because you are not. It isn't your fault if I still love you, I'm the one to blame,'' Kellin said.

I could see that my words made him feel even worst. Kellin always hated making people feel sad, just like I did. He already had enough weight to carry on his shoulders, I didn't want to add more since more of this weight was there because of me. Even though I felt guilty, I decided that I would have to put on an act for Kellin. It was the right thing to do. The right thing to do was to be there for him and not abandoning again. That was what I was supposed to do, and that was what I was going to do.

''I promise,'' I replied. ''And don't feel sorry, it's okay. You're hurt and everybody hurts sometimes. So don't blame yourself. I won't blame yourself if you don't blame yourself, okay? We all have different lives and there is no one to blame for that.'' I was already good at playing this act, but it seemed to make Kellin a little happier.

''Okay,'' he said.

I stayed in his room for another 20 minutes where I talked to him about what we did at group meeting. It was the only thing that we shared now. I've known Kellin for so long, but it would be a lie to say that I still knew him. I couldn't say I knew him after being away from him for 5 years. I told him how Rian put on into teams and where we had to prepare some scenes with a specific theme. Kellin told me he was worried that he would be in trouble for missing a session. I tried to make him tell me why, but he refused. I understood his decision. Even though I wanted to be his friend again, I doubted that he wanted the same thing. He was nice to me, but that didn't mean that he wanted us to be friends again. It would be too hard for him to handle. When the visiting hours ended, I gave Kellin my phone number and asked him to text me if he ever needed anything.

''I'll see you next week, I guess,'' I said nervously.

''Yeah, see you later Vic,'' Kellin replied. He gave me a small hug before letting me go. Maybe we would be okay, maybe time would let us fix things. Maybe we would be friends again, I really wished it would happen.

It was 10PM and I was pretty tired. I told Alex that I would be back by 11PM so I figured he would be happy to see me get home earlier. I loved Alex even though we argued more often that Kellin and I argued. Alex and I shared so many interests and I knew that we were meant to be. We loved each other enough to go through every obstacles that life put on our path. We were stronger after every fight and we weren't going to give up on each other for stupid little quarrels. We were in a serious relationship and I could picture myself getting old with him by my side. We would get married and adopt beautiful children. Alex wanted 4 while I wanted 2, so we compromised and decided that we would adopt 3 kids when the time would come.

But that time wasn't going to come. When I opened the door to our place, Alex was laying on the couch, but he wasn't alone. There was another guy on top him and they were kissing hungrily. They were so into their makeout session that they didn't even see me enter the room. I couldn't believe this, I couldn't believe that the guy I was in love with was cheating on me with none other than his ex, Jack Barakat. I felt my heart broke in millions of tiny little pieces. For the first time in my life, I really experienced what being heartbroken felt like and I absolutely hate it. I wasn't just sad, I was pissed off. I was pissed off that the boy I trusted the most in my life was actually playing behind my back by cheating on me with a guy he used to date.

''Oh my god,'' I yelled. Both of them stopped kissing and looked at me. Alex's eyes were filled with guilt while Jack just seemed surprised.

''I'm going to go,'' Jack said. He got out of Alex and ran towards the door, not looking back behind him. By the time he was gone, Alex was crying heavily.

''V-Vic I-I'm so sorry,'' Alex said sadly.

''Sorry you got caught,'' I said harshly. ''I can't believe you actually cheated on me with Jack. I can't freaking believe it. Was it the first time that you cheated on me?'' Alex didn't reply. He simply looked away from me, and I got my answer.

''I thought you freaking loved me, but you never did. You were cheating on me, and you never felt guilty about it. I hate you so much Alexander William Gaskarth. I want you out right now. Pack your freaking stuff and stay away from me forever. You're an asshole and I can't believe that I didn't notice that something was going on behind my back. You're a jerk and I freaking hate you,'' I yelled.

Alex nodded and went to our room. He grabbed his suitcase and packed his clothes and his other stuff. Since this place was fine, he didn't have much things to pack. I was happy since I couldn't stand being in the same room as him. He finished packing after 15 minutes. I couldn't even look at him, I just wanted him gone. I wanted him gone from my house and from my life. He broke my heart and I wasn't okay at all. When Alex reached the door, he turned around and looked at me. I avoid his gaze but that didn't stop him from speaking.

''To answer your previous question, I've been cheating on you for two years. I know it hurts to hear, but you deserve the truth. Jack was my true love and I never really forgot about him, that was why one day after we met at a restaurant...we started talking again and we had this thing going on while I was still dating you. But I loved you Vic, I still do. I always loved you...but I also loved Jack. I guess you can never forget about your first love and I'm sorry for breaking your heart. It wasn't okay from me and I'm not asking for your forgiveness,'' Alex explained.

''Two freaking years? Wow. Just wow. I don't care if Jack is your first love. I had a first love too and I didn't go behind your back cheating on you with Kellin. I don't love Kellin anymore, you're the only I loved...well loved because I hate you so much right now. You ruined everything Alex. Now please leave, I don't want to see you ever again,'' I replied.

''Before I leave, just know that you've been talking about Kellin often in the past weeks. You seem to care more about him that you actually cared about me in the past weeks. So yeah, think about it. Maybe Kellin and I are not the only ones who didn't get over their first loves,'' Alex said before opening the door and leaving.

When he left, I fell down on my knees and bursted into tears. I lost everything, I lost the man that I love and I felt empty. I was also confused about what Alex said about Kellin? Could I still be in love with him? Probably not, because you don't go hurting people you love. I didn't know what to think, and I didn't really want to think at the moment. The only thing I wanted was to forget. The only thing I wanted was a beer...or ten.