Who

"He was one of the greatest people I've had the pleasure of knowing. But now he's gone. Just like that. I wish I would have done something. I wish I would have texted him to see how he was doing; something. Instead I was being childish and ignoring him like I'd win some prize for it.

All I did was cry this weekend. My cousin took me to a punk show and I had a breakdown in the bathroom. My parents were so mad that they had to come and get me. They didn't understand why I couldn't just stay for the last hour or two after going through all the trouble of getting there. Like I wanted to leave, like I wanted to cry in front of everyone and make my cousin feel bad. It wouldn't have been so bad if her boyfriend wasn't there, or maybe if he understood how I'm feeling things would have been different.

It's like no one gets it. No one understands how alone I feel right now. How guilty. I've had so much time to think about it and if I just would have been a better friend, maybe he would have opened up to me; maybe he would still be here. Be alive."



The therapist isn't really a therapist. She's here because she needs to put in hours before she officially earns the title. Or something. I got stuck with her because I don't have insurance.

Now she won't let me leave.

All I want to do is leave.

I'm missing class and all she is doing is interrupt me to ask why I feel guilty or tell me that he would have killed himself anyways.She's nothing like the psychologists we've been learning about in Psychology; she has no filter and doesn't know how to let me talk. Isn't that what I'm here for?

Or no, that's not right. They want to make sure I'm not going to kill myself too. I don't understand why they think I would do that. Do they think life is like some sick Romeo and Juliet; that I'm some ignorant girl who would throw my life away in a moment of rash decision? I thought I was allowed to have some time to grieve but no one even wants to give me that.



"I met him through a close friend of mine. They went to college together and were in the same major - Psychology - which is what I want to do. He was always really encouraging when I would talk about it so I enrolled. Now I'm at least a unit behind because I didn't do anything all weekend. There's no point."

The blonde lady looked like she was going to interrupt me again, so I didn't stop to talk about how I felt. "He had a million dollar smile; I swear his teeth were the whitest and straightest I'd ever seen. He was always smiling and telling jokes. We would call each other Big Daddy and Big Poppa, just a stem from one of my nicknames but it was great how he played along.

And he was so polite. No matter what, if we were texting and he was tired or going to bed he'd make sure to say goodnight; if he fell asleep he'd text me good morning the following day. And when he had training to do he would always let me know about the day he was leaving and the day he would be back. For my birthday he was going to be gone, but he made sure to text me happy birthday the day he left. When he got the chance, he sent me pictures of what they were up to. I wish I would have kept all of those texts."

But now he's gone.

And I deserve an award for being the world's worst friend.