Dear Olive

The first time that I died I was sixteen years old. I was put to sleep by a doctor, like an unwanted animal at the vet. It was a cold, but gentle process that I managed to wake up from.

The second time that I died I was also sixteen years old. I lost consciousness because of an internal brain bleed in the passenger seat of a Dodge Destiny. It was also a painless process, but the coming back part...

"Nan, this isn't - this can't be heaven?" I questioned as I motioned to the air around me.

"Charlie, I've never been an overly religious woman," my grandmother replied slowly, "but I think heaven is different for everyone. I think it's whatever place makes us happy and puts us at peace.

"Then this is it?" I responded. "This is where I end up?"

She shrugged and said," This is my happy place, Charlie. This is my home. This is where I raised you. Maybe for you this is just a place to stop. "

Then where am I going?I wondered.

My grandmother must have sensed how confused and afraid I was. She rose to her feet and walked over to me. One of her soft creased hands came up to touch my cheek. I brought my own hand up to cover hers. I'd missed my Nan so much.

For almost a year I'd had no one to talk to or confide in. It hadn't seemed to matter so much after I was reborn. I survived and pushed myself forward alone.

Then it all changed.

Olive came crashing back into my life.

In an strange unintentional way the girl I loved killed me for the second time. Seeing he, holding her, wanting her - it broke me. Every cell of every organ in my body wanted her. Emotions could not be repressed or contained.

I wanted to believe that I could make it back to her again. Nan looked at me sadly and I could tell that she thought I was in denial. I gripped her hand a little tighter and said, "Nan, I've got to go. I love you, but this isn't where I'm going to find peace."

She nodded and asked,"Will you sit me me a while before you go?"

I pulled her small frame into an embrace and replied, "Of course. I need you Nan. I tried so hard to make it on my own, but I can't do it. It's too fucking hard."

"Then why are you so eager to go back, Charlie? You know that those doctors will only bring you back to the same existence you were living in before?" Nan insisted.

"What if I don't though? What if they can make an exception?" I asked her.

Nan had never head of such a thing. She seemed doubtful, but I knew that Olive had been telling the truth. Underneath that flawless porcelain skin was a sea of freckles. Perfection tried to hide it, but my girl was there.

After I spent some more time with her, I said a tearful goodbye to my grandmother. Well not goodbye so much as see you later. I knew I'd see again when it was the right time.

Then I walked to the front door and opened it. Everything looked normal. The porch swing moved in the breeze and not a blade of grass in the yard was out of place. I stepped out past the house and onto the sidewalk with a clear destination in mind.