Forelsket

I don’t think Jared quite knew how to take the information I had given him earlier. I understood, though – if the tables were turned, I’m sure I would have been just as shocked as he was. I think that, he didn’t know how to react, so he didn’t, and, as I watch him now, biting his nails (which, really, isn’t a Jared thing) I felt as though he was trying to gather his thoughts. He stared at me, long and hard, and took his thumb away from his mouth a few times to speak, but only sighed. I bit on my lip nervously – a pressure on my chest because he knew, and really, it was quite embarassing to me, though it needed to be done. I looked down, my hair curtaining my face and I plucked on the hair tie around my wrist.

I heard Jareds mom and dad rustle down stairs, talking, laughing at some television program. The silence in this room, however, was deafening, and I took in a deep breath before speaking.

“Jared,” I said, “you don’t need to say anything.” It was quiet for a moment or two, when he just stared at me, as though he didn’t even hear me talk in the first place.

“Liese,” His voice was strained, and I looked at him. “I’m so sorry.” His eyes began to water, and he quickly rubbed them with his forearm and cleared his throat. “I- don’t know what to say. How long has it been?”

I shrugged and looked at the wall behind him. “Years. It- it wasn’t that bad until I was twelve.”

He sighed, and in the corner of my eye, I could see him pinching the bridge of his nose. “You should have told someone. Earlier.” He shook his head.

My eyes began to water and I shook my head at him, “it’s not something you want to tell people. You can’t understand – and I’m glad you don’t – but, he made it my fault, Jared. I- I just couldn’t live with it anymore.”

Jared quickly stood from his seat, and sat next to me on the bed. “It’s not your fucking fault – you know that, right?” I shrugged, and looked away from him.

“I guess.”

“Did he – did he ever…” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, “rape you?” The words were whispered, and I almost couldn’t make them out. They were strained and shaky, just like my hands were. But, I couldn’t vocalize my answer, so when he opened his eyes to look at me again, I just nodded.

“Okay,” He said finally, a loud breath expelling from his mouth. “Okay. I’m here for you, Annaliese – whenever you’re ready to tell your parents, I’ll be right beside you, okay? But you’ve got to tell them soon.”

“Okay.” I nodded, but I wasn’t sure I’d ever want to tell them. And I think Jared knew because he gave me a look and said:

“Promise?”

I hesitated, but what else would I say? So, I said, “Promise.” Even though I didn’t know if I actually meant it or not. He nodded and fell back on his bed, his eyes closing.

“I love you, Liese,” he sighed, “I’m sorry I couldn’t have done more.” I felt my eyes burn with tears again, and I carefully inched my shaking hand over to his, and held it loosely. His eyes popped open and he looked at me.

“I love you too, ” I smiled, “You’re my best friend.” My hand didn’t feel quite right, but it would take getting used to – I knew that much. But, I trusted Jared with all of my life, and even though I felt like I could literally feel our skin cells swimming together, I kept my hand in his and he squeezed my hand as if to say, I’m here.

And the thing is, I trusted that he always would be.

*

That night, Jared let me have his bed and he slept on the couch downstairs. My secret was (thankfully) pushed to the back, even if I knew Jared was just pretending he wasn’t thinking about it. I appreciated the fact that he at least tried to make it the last thing on his mind, and we talked about other things – things that weren’t even close to that subject, and it made me feel, ultimately, comfortable. Though, I saw a flicker in his eyes every now and again, when I could tell he had thought of a question, and he wanted to ask me. He didn’t, however, and I think it was because he really did know me, and he knew that I wouldn’t want to talk about it all, not quite yet. I think he respected that.

I woke up in the morning to my phone vibrating against the wood of the little table next to Jareds bed. I slowly reached over to it, and read the name of who had sent the text. It was Lindsay, of course, and I figured it was something nasty, so instead of reading it, I deleted it, and set it back down on the table. Turning onto my back, I sighed, and closed my eyes before swining my legs over the bed. I sat up and stretched my arms above my head, just as the door creaked open, and Jared peaked in. I gave him a small smile.

“Thought I heard something,” he said, “Anything specific you want for breakfast?” I simply shrugged at him and he pursed his lips together. “Well…toast is okay?”

I nodded, “My favorite.” I stood up and walked over to him, he turned to walk down the hall and stairs with me trailing behind him. We walked quietly – the only noise was the house creaking, and as we entered the kitchen, Jareds phone made a sound against the counter where he had left it. He picked it up before taking the bread out of the fridge and chuckled, quickly texting something back and setting his phone down. He looked at me then, grinning and I furrowed my brows.

“What?”

“Nothing,” he shook his head, “Just John. Wondering if you were okay.” I blushed and looked to the floor – it wasn’t that big of a deal, I knew. But I supposed it was the thought that he actually took the time to ask about me that was flattering to me. Jared poked fun at me when he noticed I was blushing, and he continued the entire time he made the toast. I’d never really been teased because of a guy before, and I couldn’t place the feeling. It was warm, though, and tingly. And even though it made me blush, it made me smile sheepishly too.

Jared and I ate in silence, and while I was cleaning up everything, he suddenly sat up a little straighter and looked at me excitedly.

“Liese, the Maine got a show!” He said, “Our first one, pretty much. You’ve got to be there.” I looked at him, after rinsing off the last plate and cocked my head to the side. His lower lip was stuck out in a pout, and I smiled.

“I will,” I nodded and went to sit across from him. He rolled his eyes and laughed a bit.

“Right,” He said, “I forgot you have that John thing.” My eyes widened and I shook my head.

“You need to stop.” He smiled and just as quickly, his face fell and his got serious again. My hands began to shake, and my heart sped up. I knew what he was about to bring up, it was as though he shrunk into himself and he looked at me.

“You were at Johns,” Jared started, twidling with his fingers, “You were going to tell him?” I looked down, and nodded.

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t want family to know. I didn’t tell him anyways.”

“I know.” He paused and kind of chuckled, “you really fucking freaked him out. If you ask me, not the best way to get into his pants.” I laughed out loud, blushing. I knew Jared was trying to lighten up my mood – and I guessed that he was going to start a serious talk but suddenly, he became uncomfortable. He decided to turn the conversation to comedy, somehow, and it worked. And, as I looked at him with a reddened face, I couldn’t tell if he was going to go back to serious mode, or if he would let it slide for a couple of more hours.

“Luckily, John was more worried than freaked out, so,” Jared stood up, “you’ve still got a chance.” I rolled my eyes.

“Okay.” I stood up as well, and just looked at him. “Anything else you would like to say?”

His lips pursed and an amused expression crossed his face. “Yeah – never thought you would get a crush, Liese. Doesn’t that mean you kind of trust him?” I shrugged, and whispered, I guess so, while I played with the hem of one of Jareds shirts. In the next instant, he told me to change, that he would take me home so I could get cleaned up. He said that we would have a ‘Jared-and-Annaliese’ day.

So Jared drove me home, and when Jared and I walked in, Lindsay was sitting at the dinner table, as though she expected me. She stood up as I entered, a glare set onto her face, and she stomped over to me, getting too close for – I believed – anyone.

“I can’t fucking believe you,” she sneered, right before Jared stepped in front of me.

“Hey,” he said, “back off, okay?” She sneered at him, and pointed her finger toward me.

“You’re protecting this selfish bitch?” She laughed without amusement, “She was supposed to be here, Jared. Grandpa could have died, and she doesn’t even fucking care!” I was scared – scared because, Jareds face was getting more and more red, and he looked angry. I was scared because I feared he might just blurt out that secret – and I knew that Lindsay wouldn’t believe it.

I slowly pushed Jared aside, and shook my head at him. Lindsay turned to me again, backing me up against the front door. I felt her breathe on my face, and it reminded me of all those times Grandpa had gotten too close. I cringed.

“I will never understand you,” she hissed, and she stepped back, threw her hand back and just as Jared tried to grab it, she launched it toward me, smaking me hard and fast into my face, leaving a sting on the right side of my face.

“What the fuck, Lindsay?” Jared growled, and he was in front of be again in an instant.

I peered around Jared and looked at Lindsay to see her rolling her eyes. She walked over to the kitchen table, grabbed her phone and purse before getting close to Jared and I again.

“I’m going to the hospital,” she said, “to see our grandfather. I don’t suppose you care though, right, Liese? Rather spend your time with John.” She shoved Jared and I to the side, and walked out of the door. I didn’t realized I’d been controling my breathing until I heard the door shut and let out a long breath. Jared turned to look at me.

“I never really liked her,” he grumbled, “Are you okay?” I was shocked I hadn’t really reacted, and I shrugged.

“Yeah.”

Again, a silence spilled over us and I wondered how many moments in my life were filled with silence. And I thought it was such a waste. But I didn’t say anything, I looked at Jared and kind of read his mind. But he spoke it anyways.

“You need to tell your family,” he advised, “because this is going to get really out of fucking hand.”

I nodded, but I knew, they wouldn’t believe me.

I ended up packing a bag for the week, because Jared didn’t want me at home. And, quite frankly, I didn’t want to be at ‘home’ either.