Forelsket

I took my hand to the back of my head and collected my hair into my circled hand to ruffle it a bit. With the motion, a breeze managed to hit the back of my neck, momentarily forgetting the waves of heat Arizona had to offer.

Jared and I had been walking for about ten minutes so far, and I still didn’t know where he planned to lead me, or why. I had only known I didn’t want to really go somewhere, as I liked the feeling of just walking without a destination.

I felt Jareds eyes on me – it seemed like he’d been studying me for most of the walk. And, while I had been trying to ignore it, it was too much of an insistent stare to really ignore. So, I had to settle for the next best thing, which was pretending I hadn’t noticed.

More often than not, our walks – mine and Jareds – were started and completed in a silence. It was as though he didn’t want to disturb me. It had always made me feel like I were a patient, locked up at a loony bin and he was one of the nurses who was assigned to me. To take me out into the world for an hour so I could remember there was something beyond the walls I was consumed by.

I had wished for more, sometimes. Though I did seem to enjoy the silence, being able to be with someone for a bit and just taking time to look at the grass, trees, houses, feeling the sun on my skin. I sometimes wished that he would actually care to be here, that we were real friends, as opposed to nurse and patient. I supposed, though, that it was my own fault – I hadn’t truly let him know me like a friend should. Maybe that was why I still – even with Jared by my side - felt so empty? Alone? Whatever the word or feeling, it was unsettling. And I didn’t really want it – it seemed like I did though.

Jared had finally looked away from me, his steps wavering slightly in a way that made his body sway in my direction.

“So,” He said, “I’m surprised you haven’t asked where we’re going.” I simply shrugged at him, bringing my hands to play with the thin, brown, braided belt tied around my waist creating a more drastic hour-glass figure than I had.

I hadn’t asked, because I didn’t care to know. I’d feel bad (like I had all the times before) if Jared told me we were going to meet his friends and I’d shot him down. I’d done it one too many times and, while I had always known he was trying to get me to make other friends, I was always stubborn and hell bent on not leaving my room with Jared if it was to meet other people.

Humans, I know, are not all friendly. Even if you think they are. They brought my anxiety level up, and my hands often shook around strangers – I hadn’t cared to get to know anyone after that type of reaction other beings pulled from me. Naturally.

So, I supposed this was my way of forcing myself. If we were going to see Jareds friends, I figured once I’d already gotten to them, I wouldn’t have the balls to turn back and walk home. Jared and I may not know a whole shitload about each other, but I cared about him, really. And he had to care a least a little to come over once every week to take me out. My very last intention was to disappoint him or shoot him down for trying to do something nice for me.

We didn’t speak after that, and it took only five more minutes until Jared stopped, and almost made a move to grab my wrist to keep me from walking. I moved my arm out of the way before he got to, though, and he seemed unfazed by it. I supposed he was used to it now – I’d been avoiding his (and, really, everyone's touch) for years now.

When I stopped, he turned to face me. We’re standing outside of a house that doesn’t look much different from the others in the area. The only difference is in the bricks that make up the house.

“Okay, Liese,” He smiled, “I would have invited you to my bands practice - ” At the mention of ‘band’ my eye brows shoot up. I hadn’t even known he was in a band. “ – But, you’re, well, you, and I knew you wouldn’t have came if I told you where we were going.” I smiled lightly. He was right – I would’ve put up a big fight. I would have acted like a child being forced to take a bath. I would have refused profusely. Jared, I guess, knew me in that regard.

Even so, my stomach bubbled at the thought of other people. Of new people. I was uneasy about the entire idea of it, but I had managed to swallow my fears down, somewhat. Because it was Jared. But swallowing down fear only means you digest it. If anything, it had become more apparent to me. I should have left it in my throat for it to rise up and out. If it had ever had a chance to move.

“I didn’t know you were in a band, Jare,” I remarked. He nodded, smile still on his face. But for a fleeting moment, a light type of scared look crossed over his features.

“I am. And I promise, they’re all nice guys, okay?” He tried to comfort me. And, I hate to say it but, it wasn’t working. “I swear, if you want to leave, I’ll take you right home. But give it a chance.” I bit my lip, nodded. I wanted to go home right in that instant. I had managed to ignore it, though, however that could be, and – as my heart pounded in my chest – I followed Jared to the front door of the house. As we lingered there, waiting for the door to open I said:

“How long were you in the band?” In a quiet voice, trying to comfort myself by making conversation with Jared.

He shrugged right before the door was yanked open, “A few months.” And then a smile spreads across his face and he says hi to a boy he called Garrett. I could feel it already, my hands beginning to shake, my body temperature rise a bit. I instantly brought my hands up to my belt again, playing my hands across the braided pattern and I look down. I hated looking at people in the eye. I often feared of what I’d find, or what they’d find.

Garrett – I suppose – scooped his head down to look at me. I felt his breath hit my face, and I glanced up at him for merely a moment and was almost shocked by the bright blue color of his eyes that I was met with. He didn’t smile at me, but he said, ‘hi’ and I returned the greeting in a voice that was just above a whisper. I stayed as close as I could to Jared without touching him. Garrett shut the door behind me, and was soon in front of Jared. They’d dove into a conversation that I was too nervous to comprehend. My heart beat was in my ears, clogging anything from the outside world from getting in.

I followed behind the two – down the creaking stairs to a relatively large basement. Not only had I’d been uneasy about meeting new people, the fact we were in a basement brought upon goosebumps. I rubbed my arms to expel them.

The room was full of conversation, but the finally stair had creaked and in that instant, I felt eyes. I was too afraid to look up, and I hated how I probably looked like some gigantic baby who couldn’t handle herself or anyone. Or anything. I hated how I looked so dependent on Jared, who I had tried to hide behind. Conversation stopped, and I looked up for only a moment, not enough to notice anything significant, but enough to notice three figures placed in front of a slew of instruments.

“Guys, this is Annaliese,” I heard Jared say. “Annaliese, this is Pat, Kennedy and John.” I looked up at each figure as he differentiated them.

And Pat – long (for a boy, anyways), brown hair – strode over to me with a childish-like presence. I had somehow found it in me to look up at him, seeing a large, welcoming smile spread across his lips. His brown eyes light and friendly.

“I’m Pat.” He told me even though Jared had already introduced him. I figured he was trying to be friendly. He held out his hand for me to shake, but I could only look at it, a nervous look crossing my features. I looked up at Jared.

He rolled his eyes but explained, “She’s scared of touching people or something.” Pats eyebrows furrowed and he gave me a strange look.

“Really?” He asked. I simply nodded my head. I felt like a jerk then. And he had just said, “Okay, sorry.” And put another smile on his face again before asking Jared if he was ready.

There was a couch set up in such away to offer a good view of the set up they had there. I awkwardly sat myself upon the couch and watched them as they discussed things and then they began to play. I was more comforted in the fact that they hadn’t been paying enough attention to me to really notice I was watching.

Somewhere along their practise, I began to nod my head along to the beats they played. To the singers – John? – odd (in a good way) voice.

Something about it had offered my mind peace.