Forelsket

Grandfather didn’t bother me a lot anymore – he was much more than old now, and hadn’t the energy to climb the stairs and sneak into my bedroom. I’m unsure what kind of force had kept him away at night for two weeks now, but I thanked it every day.

His cough was getting worse, and the doctor had ended up finding something in his lung – perhaps Grandfather was just tired of having to be taken to get tests done and there actually was no ‘force’.

It’s been a week since these tests have been done, and my family was waiting in anticipation. My sister was scared – she loved Grandfather. He’d been there since, well, forever, and she loved him, and dad loved him and mom loved him. I didn’t know what I thought of Grandfather anymore – could I hate him? He was my Grandfather, after all. After all.

Sighing, I flipped my hair upside down and tied a messy bun at the top of my head – it looked stupid, but the only thing I had planned to do was go read in my backyard. Pulling a light sweater over my tank top, I grabbed the most current Sylvia Plath book I’d picked up and headed outside. I caught a glimpse of Linsday sitting on the couch close to Grandfather – his arm was around her shoulders, but it wasn’t like how he touched me. He had always told me he never touched Lindsay the way he touched me. He never went to her room to ‘surprise her’. Lindsay, though she had no idea, was lucky.

I heard Grandfather hack out a loud cough and my sister sigh before I opened the sliding door and stepped out into the backyard. A nice, kind of once-in-a-while breeze shifted passed me, and I smiled slightly at the Arizona sky before I closed the door and made my way over to the long chair and sat on it to begin reading my book. And, literally, not even a minute later, the sliding door squeaked open, causing me to tear my gaze away from my book to see Lindsay, standing there. She looked annoyed. Determined, somewhat. I sighed as she approached me, putting my book in my lap to focus attention onto her.

“Look,” she growled, “I don’t know why you’re being such a bitch – and in case you haven’t noticed, our Grandpa is sick in there,” She jutted her thumb out behind her. “He’s been asking for you all week, and you know what he just said to me? He misses his ‘peanut’. He was, like, about to fucking cry, Annaliese.”

I wanted to get mad at her – but she had no idea. So, I could just blink and stare and I just responded with, “Okay.”

At that, her face grew much more angry, and she spat the next words at me: “Are you fucking kidding me? You were his favorite, remember that? After all he’s done for you, Annaliese, and you’re just sitting there, reading your stupid fucking book. And Grandpa is in there, dying. You sicken me.” And, with a disgusted look, Lindsay turned around quickly and marched back into the house. I looked at the spot she was standing in, water gathering on my lower lash-line, and shook my head, picking up my book. But, I agreed with her, I sickened myself.

I bit on my lip and just stared at the page of my book. It was suddenly hard to read, the words jumbled, foggy – illegible.

Grandpa is in there, dying.

I, honestly, didn’t know what to feel.

*

Jared and his family came for dinner a few days later – turns out Grandfather had Cancer. And, while Jared and his family were never really close with Grandfather, I supposed they came to ‘pay their respects’, in a way. Watching Jared and my Grandfather hug was weird to me – watching Grandfather and my uncle hug was weird to me. Jareds dad had never been close with his father, ever. He was the first one to move out and start a new life – barely ever called and didn’t even look back. Or, so, my dad told me. I guess it affected my dad – he and his brother were really close at one point.

I stood there, though. Against the wall, loose clothing covering my frame, hair in that stupid, ugly bun. My hands crossed against my stomach, I watched. They all offered him support, wishes of ‘get well’ and all of that stuff. They gathered around him as though he were some kind of saint, and then a sigh escaped my lips and my hands fell to my sides. Jared looked up then, his eyes scanning across the room and fell on me. He offered a small smile and turned away from Grandfather – everyone else, and made his way over to me.

“I’m sorry about…well, you know,” He sighed. I just shrugged, and averted my eyes to the floor. “Must be hard to see him like that. I remember when you were a kid – “

“I was his favorite?” I whispered, peaking at Jared through my lashes. He smiled lightly.

“Yeah. You guys were always together. I was jealous sometimes. Fuck, Lindsay was always jealous.” He chuckled, and I forced a smile.

“I know.” I was beginning to get sick of people telling me how much he loved me – how I was his favorite. They would never believe a single thing I told them – I’d ruin the entire family.

A silence grew over Jared and I, and we all slowly moved over to the dinner table, Grandpa on one end – Jared and I on the other. I kept my eyes on my plate, or on Jared. No where else, really. Not in Grandpa’s direction, anyways. Chatter erupted across the table, leaving Jared and I to ourselves. He took a fork full of mashed potatoes and, after swallowing them, looked at me.

“So,” he grinned, “Garrett thinks you’re cute.” My face grew hot at the words, but I rolled my eyes.

“I’m sure he does.”

“Seriously!” He laughed, “Said so just the other day. But before you shit yourself, you can relax. He has a girlfriend, so he won’t try to hit on you this weekend.”

I looked at him, eyebrows raised, and he was grinning.

“Like how I threw that in there?”

“Not really,” I grunted. “What do you mean, anyways?” I was uneasy just thinking about it. About seeing his friends again – and Garrett. I mean, a boy just can’t tell a girl that and then think she’s going to act, I don’t know…not shy around said boy. It only contributed to my uneasiness.

“Well, everyone thought it’d be cool to get together, and my parents are going to be away for the night.” He shrugged, shoving rice between his lips. His face was sheepish as he chewed and swallowed. He continued, “and you won’t be the only girl there. Garrett’s going to bring his girlfriend. And Lindsay will be there.” I furrowed my eyebrows, shuffling the food around on my plate a bit more.

“Lindsay? Why?”

“She’s dating Tim,” He explained, “Pat’s brother.” That was news to me – Lindsay never brought Tim back here. She never brought any of her boyfriends back here, actually. We’ve only met one, and it was a come-and-go type of thing. My parents trusted her to have a good boyfriend – they never questioned her anymore. They did adore her.

“Oh.” I nodded and looked back at my plate, taking some spinach onto my fork. And, before it had even got to my mouth, I saw Jared shiver.

“I can’t believe you eat that.” So, I stared at him blankly and kept my eyes on him while I shoved the Spinach into my mouth, watching Jared scrunch his face up. “Gross.” He shook his head and looked at his own plate. I laughed lightly and continued eating, only vaguely hearing my nickname fall from Grandpa’s mouth. It made my head spin.

“Here,” His voice rasped, “Like this.” His old hands grabbed my small ones, and let them over to him. He moved my hand, and let go of it shortly after.

“Keep going, Peanut.” And I had. And I looked away from him as he gasped his breaths, and it was the first time he released onto my hand. And he chuckled after, said sorry and took a tissue from my night table and cleaned off my arm. He zipped himself up after, patted me on the head, kissed it.

“I love you, Peanut.” He smiled. “and you can’t tell anyone how much – they’d be jealous.’’

“Annaliese?” I blinked once, shook my head, and realized I had been biting my lip quite hard. Releasing my lip, I looked up at my mother. Everyone was looking at me. My face heated.

“Sorry,” I nearly whispered. She gave me a funny look, peering deeper at me.

“You okay?” I hated it when she did this – here, in front of everyone. I felt like they all suddenly saw what she was talking about – what she saw. Whatever that was.

I nodded, though.

“Just tired.” Most of them nodded. The phrase solved everything. Well, almost everything.

“Grandpa was talking to you, Annaliese,” My dads gruff voice sounded. I glanced up at him quickly, and nodded again.

“Oh.” I took a deep breath and lifted my head up, “Yes, gramps?” Grandfather smiled at the old nickname.

“You’ll come with me next’im to the doct’rs, won’t you?” He asked, “I could use my Peanuts support.” A lump formed in my throat. Jareds eyes were burning into my skull, practically. I gulped, put a smile onto my face and said:

“Of course.”

Mom seemed pleased, Dad seemed pleased, Lindsay just scowled down at her plate of half-eaten food.

She’s always been fighting with me over Grandfathers affection, love.

’And, if she really wanted it, she could have it,’ I thought bitterly, I’d trade places with her any second.

But I stopped, thought about it, and changed my mind.

I wouldn’t want to trade places with her – with anyone. I wouldn’t want anyone to feel the way I do.