Forelsket

I was unsure if I would ever get through the breakfast at iHop, wedged between Jared and Eric, who chewed at his food viciously, while staring at John, who was across from him. I’d only ordered an orange juice, drank it through a straw and watched as John gave Eric this lopsided smile, and attempted to consume his food messier and faster than Eric. I couldn’t watch for long, I’d ended up turning away from them, and pretend to be involved in Jareds conversation with Tim. Something about their band – I supposed Tim was managing them. Arranging a tour for them to go on – as an opening band though.

I supposed it wasn’t that bad – it was loud, and I was quiet and kept my hands folded in my lap. It was simply the longest breakfast I’d ever witnessed. When it was over, I strayed behind the group, watching Garrett inter-twine his hands with Kai, brings her hand up to his lips and gave it a peck. She smiled brightly at him, and I felt my own lips up-lift. I didn’t know why I had always found myself watching couples walking in the street, or why they had always made me smile, but I did and they do.

I stood off to the side, behind Lindsay as they hung in the parking lot to say good bye to the rest of the group – passed around ‘see you later’s and all. I bit on my lip, stared at the pavement. Did I even have the right to say bye, really? None of them knew me – cared. My answer was decided when Lindsay turned around with Tim and began walking toward his car. She had walked passed me like I wasn’t even there and I really hated to be a bother – a tag along.

Footsteps pounded heavily on the ground behind me, stopped beside me. I looked up for a moment, brows furrowed before I remembered that Pat was Tims brother. He smiled at me, took a hand to his long, brown hair and swept it away from his face.

“So,” He spoke, “Have fun with us?” I scrunched up my face, shrugged. He laughed. “Maybe next time, then. We just need time to warm up. But hey! I guess this is our time, huh?” My head snapped to looked at him, and I cocked my head to the side.

“What do you mean?” I always kept my voice low and soft – always. It had become a habit at some point during my childhood. I couldn’t seem to shake it.

He pointed to Lindsay and Tim, who were already opening the door to Tims car. “We’re hanging out. I don’t know where they plan to go or anything.” I shook my head. I’d had just about enough of trying to fit into a circle when I was a square. I was convinced by then that Jared was the only friend I was going to have, no matter how nice all of his friends were. They wouldn’t be able to stand me – I felt I had a knack of annoying everyone I meet. At some point or another.

“I’ll just ask if Tim could take me home.” Pats eyes widened and he jumped in front of me, walking backwards.

“Come on,” He groaned, “I don’t wanna be the third wheel!” His lower lip jutted out, brought his hands up to his chest where he held them together. I almost rolled my eyes.

“You can go home, too, you know?” His hands dropped back to his sides. And, crossing his arms over his chest, he tells me:

“You’re no fun! Why would I want to go home? It’s Arizona. I want to be out. You don’t let this weather waste!” We had approached the car by that point, Pat had opened the back door, and motioned for me to go first. Something about that unsettled me, so I bit on my lip and slowly slid in, attempting to slid in like ‘a lady’, if that were even possible. The door slammed closed and I flinched, distancing myself from Pat as far as I could before buckling in.

I supposed Pat was right – but what had really gotten me to change my mind was Grandpa, and how I didn’t really want to be with him. I had liked the feeling of not worrying about Grandpa – even if I hadn’t really trusted all these people, I’d rather be with them. They hadn’t done anything as of yet – and really, how was I to know if they ever would? Grandfather was an entirely different story. When Tim started the car to pull out of the parking space, I turned to Pat, a small smile lifting my lips.

“I guess you’re right.”

He looked at me, thought about it. Smiled wide. “I am!”

I nearly stared at Pat for the entire ride, trying to comprehend how he had managed to hold onto that childish air, and wish he would share some with me. I began to envy him – his happy-go-lucky personality ate away at me. In a good way, I think. I was envious that, he had his childhood, and still did. And I couldn’t fathom where mine went. Maybe Grandpa took it, and locked it up inside of his basement. Actually, I’m almost certain he had. And I supposed it didn’t matter – I couldn’t take it back anyways.

So I sat there, quietly, as Lindsay, Tim and Pat joked about. Laughed, shared funny moments from the past and laughed about them in the present. I watched the scenery speed passed me, so quickly that I barely had time to take it in. Like my childhood, it came and went. Too quickly. I closed my eyes and sighed. Waited until the car came to a complete stop. Mall.

I emerged from the car, and walked to Pat, who was the only one kind enough to wait for me. Ahead, Lindsay was dragging Tim by the hand into the doors. Pat shook his head, and a chuckle fell through his lips.

“Man, you sister is, like, Tims puppet master,” he said, “It’s weird seeing him like that.”

I smiled lightly, “I guess Lindsay has that affect on people.” Because she was always the one who was the leader, I suppose. I looked at Pat only long enough to see his brows raise, and quickly looked back down at the ground. Pat begins to talk again, but I realized how what I said sounded. I interrupt with a, “Don’t worry – I didn’t mean it as in…you know? She’s not a whore or anything.” My voice is a whisper, and at the word whore, Pat laughed.

“Didn’t know you were capable of such language.” His voice is a mock-shock and I smiled at him. I really looked at him, take a chance to admire his childish aura, try to plunge into it and be there, too. But I only drown in the waves of it. I figured, some time during the day, that if I hung around him long enough, perhaps it would rub off on me. Maybe I could be like him: the perfect amount of care-free.

***

There are times through out any given day where I want to scream at the top of my lungs, tell a perfect acquaintance of what had been my childhood, of what I had grown up accustomed to. I knew I couldn’t – nothing good could come of it. Who would believe me over Grandfather? And if they did, somehow, I would be responsible for ruining a perfectly functioning family. But, as it is, I went on through the day, stealing lip-biting glances toward Pat, wondering what he would say – do if I told him. Surely, he would have no personal interest – and I didn’t want it that way. I never wanted a reaction, I wanted a weight to be lifted.

Needless to say, the chain of Pat, on to Tim, on to my sister was too risky. The only factor that had kept my mouth shut through a – surprisingly – normal day. Though I did keep my distance, and my mouth – for the most part – shut, I supposed it was an enjoyable experience. But I found myself, limping miserably as the three of us followed Lindsay around the mall. I had, ultimately, wanted to go home – lock myself in my room, hide beneath the covers of my bed. Let myself fall into the world of dreams, where Grandfather wasn’t constantly present.

We had been walking around the same tiles for hours – all Lindsays doing. Tim, being heals over head for her, had managed to keep up far longer than Pat and I bet on. And, some time during the course of the long day, Pat had made me feel somewhat at ease, more than any other acquaintance ever had before. I figured he was someone to consider, and maybe they all were. Though I wasn’t quite sure, I had joked with him, laughed while he pointed to random passers by and pretended to be their voice. He explained that they all did this when they were bored. Tim joined in sometime after he quit following Lindsay around into every store.

“Oh my god!” She squeaked. I smiled at Tims eye twitched. “I need to go in there!” She began her walk and Tim sighed, looking around for a bench before sitting on it. Pat and I followed.

“Man,” Tim said, smiling, “The mall is like her re-energizer.” Pat and I laughed at him, while he sunk in the seat, closed his eyes. “Love her, though,” he mumbled. And, for once, I realized, I couldn’t understand how that worked, and why people said that about someone who wasn’t family. I suddenly realized I didn’t get it, really, and wondered if I ever would – if it would come to me, or if I needed someone to figure it out with me. Like Lindsay and Tim. My train of thought seemed to make me deaf to the world, because the next thing I know, a hand is flying in front of my eyes. I shake my head, stand to my feet.

“Sorry,” I smiled. Lindsay rolls her eyes.

“Mom called. She wants us to get home for dinner.” I nodded. Our family, really, doesn’t keep very many traditions. The only thing that continues is, that we eat as a family. No television, or cellphones. Just food and us five compiled around the dinner table. And, though it is mostly silent, I might enjoy it just as much as mom and dad do. I’ve always kind of enjoyed family dinners – they were comfortable, and I supposed that was mostly due to the fact that it’s been like this since – practically – birth.

I noticed as my mom stole concerned glances toward Grandfather, while he was just chewing, and gurgling. Trying to keep his cough confined to his mouth. He rumbled with the force, but made a real effort not to cough. His pot-belly pressed slightly against the edge of the table disgusted me – only reminded me of the times it was pressed against me. I shivered, pushed myself away from the table, gaining the attention of my family.

Grandfathers heavy, cold eyes was the only thing I felt. The weight of his stare could nearly crush me – did at one point.

I cleared my throat. “I’m not feeling so well. I think I’m going to head up to my room.” Lindsay scoffed. And I only look up long enough to see mom frowning. I knew she thought I spent too much time in my room – its why Jared comes around. She only nodded, though. I set my eyes on the ground – wall. Anywhere away from my family. I picked up my plate, placed it in the sink.

And the only time I feel like I’m breathing, that the weight had been lifted, is when I get to my bedroom, close the door, and encase my body within my bed sheets.

I sit there, blinking.

Wishing upon whatever was out there, for freedom.