Broken

We sat in the gazebo where we had our first date silently. The fight we had earlier crated a tension so thick I felt I was be suffocated in the summer night’s humidity. For a while, neither of us talked. We both sat there, a further than usual distance away from each other. And instead of the calm comforting silences I had become accustomed to, an awkward silence that was terrifyingly deafening replaced it. I, always being too proud to speak first, sat there wanting the fight to be over so I could kiss him. It had been too long since his lips were pressed against mine. While he looked down at the floor, I started at him. The way his mouth moved as if he were trying to find the right words to say to me, his glasses blocking the true beauty his Blue-grey eyes, his short light brown hair effortlessly in place. I wanted this morning’s fight to be over already. The longer I looked at him, the more I felt the want to kiss him, those lips I was mesmerized so well with. His gaze finally met mine.
“I’m never going to not be busy…” He started. I nodded, waiting for him to continue. He hesitated before going on.
“If anything, next semester I’ll not only have a bigger course load and work but a new internship along with it” He finished.
“I understand that”…I started…. “I understand busy Alex, I understand that perfectly. It’s not like I don’t get it. I just need you to communicate things like this with me more. We made the plans to hang out today two weeks ago and then, just last night, you tell me you have work and this morning is when I find out you’re working until 10pm? It’s just not fair” I continued. He took a short sharp breath.
I couldn’t help but feel a bit entitled to be upset. The continuous last minute announcements on how our time “had to be cut short because of...” or “start late” when all I looked forward to was being around him were taking their toll. I was starting to feel alone even with someone by my side. All I wanted was to see my boyfriend. My very first boyfriend. I felt entitled to want to see him more than once every two weeks. I felt entitled to wanting to talk to him on the phone fairly often seeing as we rarely saw each other in person. I felt entitled to want to show him the affection I wanted to show more often than I get to.
“I mean…We’ve been together for about 8 months now and I like you…so much. But between both of our jobs and you getting that manager position, I never get to see you. I already rearranged my entire work schedule around yours just so we can have the possibility of seeing either and the last time I saw you was two weeks ago. We’ll be one year come October…and collectively we’ve probably seen each other a full 3 ½ months out of the eight…” I explained.
“You’re right” he interrupted, then sighed, and continued on… “with me having so many new additions to my plate and with you planning on going out of state for Med school…I just don’t see this working.”
The world stopped. My stomach dropped. I could feel the tears at the brim of my eyelids trying to fall. I turned away from him and this time it was I who stared fixated at the floor. Very quickly, the tears fell from my eyes as I hastily shut them trying to wake up from this horrible nightmare. This was all wrong. This couldn’t be real, this couldn’t us, and this couldn’t be Alex.
I found myself making tiny gasps still facing away Alex as I tried composing myself to no avail. There was no stopping it. I stood up and ran from the Gazebo down the field and through the gates where I collapsed on my knees to the ground and now out of his presence let the tears run free as pathetic sounds escaped my mouth. I thought of everything I wanted to say to him. I thought of any action or words I could produce to change his decision. I thought of the emotions that were running through me and spilling from my eyes and mouth and actions.
“Danielle, please. I’m sorry” I heard behind me. The noises stopped and after a few moments of silence I got up, my back still facing towards him.
“Dani...” He started. I quickly turned around.
“I tried. I tried so hard.” I struggled to be coherent through my sobs and shaky voice. “I saw reasons why we wouldn’t work too, Alex. But the difference is I was willing to ignore them because I liked you that much. Because I was in it to give my all, because I felt this was worth it. But you...you don’t even want to try…you don’t even want to fight for this. It’s cowardly” I managed to get out all the while tears running down my face.
“I’m sorry…I” He started.
“Take me home” I commanded not being able to look at him anymore or hear his voice without more tears crawling down my cheeks and onto the floor I just sat upon. He looked at him with an expression I couldn’t describe and nodded.
The ride was agonizing. Twenty minutes in a car with the person who broke my heart twenty-five minutes ago was never something I was coming. Along the ride we passed the restaurant we always ate at, a bar he promised to take me to and finally my door, where he would walk me up and kiss me good night after every date. He parked and as we both sat there all that filled the air were my sounds of sniffling and tiny exhales. I had so much to say but no words to say them.
How could you call someone your everything just to case them away as if they’re nothing? Why would you ruin that Gazebo for me for the rest of my life? Every time I would pass it on my way to work would now be a constant reminder of him. And to use our conversation of me discussing out of state colleges once was a ridiculous scape goat to use as a reason why we couldn’t be together. Found myself getting more and more enraged as I continued to think of everything I wanted to say, everything I was feeling.
“I’m sorry” he said breaking my thoughts.
“Please stop apologizing” I stated still crying, trying to regain composure.
“…why” I asked. I knew he could hear the pain in my voice. He took a deep breath.
“Do not tell me that bullshit excuse you tried to give me Alex. Ow dare you use my education as a reason we can’t be together. You knew coming into the relationship we were both busy people. And I was trying to still make it work even with the schedules. When did you start feeling this way?”
“…today” he answered.
“So all it took was one day for you to weigh the options and carefully consider it” I sarcastically scoffed trying to laugh but it disappointingly turned into a sob.
“I’m sorry”
“Alex please” I begged my hands moving to my eyes to cover them in an attempt to stop crying… “Please stop saying sorry.” Another moment of silence passed.
“Tell me why” I demanded “tell me the truth. Please. You owe me that much.”
He looked away from me and at his steering wheel.
“My feelings…don’t reciprocate yours”
“So you’ve been lying to me. Just two days ago you were saying how much you like me and yet now we’re here.” I stated tearing up again after having just stopped them from falling. I had become so attached to him. His happiness became to mean more than my own and while my feelings were increasing, his were long gone.
“I do like you Danielle. I just…I don’t have feelings for you the same way as you do with me. I can tell I don’t and I don’t think I ever will. I don’t think I’ll ever even fall in love and when I hear how sure you are of your feelings for me and how I can see them progressing…. I can’t do this anymore”
I looked in his direction to see he was now looking at me also. My heart broke all over again. Those blue-grey eyes glossy, as if he himself was on the brink of tears. I thought to myself, he doesn’t want to do this anymore than I want to hear it. I thought of how much I liked him and how I always believed that people worth fighting for should be fought for. I swallowed every inch of my pride. Everything fiber of being that made me who I was and as I continued to cry I asked him.
“Please…please just-…Alexander please reconsider” I cried showing al my raw emotions and vulnerability to him. Something I had never done to anyone in my life. He looked away from me.
“I’m sorry Dani.”
My heart dropped in defeat. And as I opened the car door to let myself out I couldn’t look back. I body unwillingly took my feet and placed them one step in front of the other and soon I was in my house and in my room on the floor weeping. I wanted him. I wanted him with all my heart and I put everything on the line, but he still didn’t want me.
Now Alex was gone.
And I was Broken.