Amelia, Run!

These past seven days were a living hell. After I saw the note I tore it apart and threw it into the trash. I felt chills all over my body and I wanted to get out of there, I didn’t want to be alone, or at least alone with someone being there. Someone did enter my apartment before Amanda came. Also, the thought of a person going to my fridge and taking something got on my nerves. To be more specific, I was more irritated because I hadn’t eaten anything. Everything tasted bad, like I was chewing and drinking copper. Only water helped but it wasn’t enough. My stomach hurt and at some point I wanted to puke but nothing came out, only watery bile and in some occasions with blood. I was scared. I couldn’t sleep that night.

This is how my week went:

Thursday, 18 of December

I saw the sun rise from my little window. It was peaceful but I was still shaken about yesterday. I didn’t have a wink of sleep. I could feel my eyes drop but as soon as I reached Theta stage of sleep, I would sit up startled. I believed it was because I was scared of the note and that maybe someone might not keep their promise and come at me a day sooner. I thought of reasons someone would play a stupid joke like that or if it wasn’t a joke? What if some psychopath chose me out of many random people in Cleveland to satisfy their urge to kill? What if someone watched me walk and thought: “Her days are numbered”?

I read an article about that once.

Every sound of the night made me jittery. I had locked every door but sadly that didn’t make me feel secure. That morning I tried to eat a bit of cereal but when I saw the bowl with the food inside, I didn’t need to take a spoon full to know it would taste like crap. Something in my mouth made me feel repugnant to it. In the end I had to throw it out and drink three glasses of water.
I hope I don’t get water intoxication.

When I got to work, everything was bright and noisy and lively. People were coming out with their coffees and beagles, ready for work or for whatever life was going to bring them. I went to the counter and greeted everyone. What I didn’t notice right away was that everyone was staring at me. I never got that type of attention so I felt very uncomfortable. I saw Rey and gave him a weak smile. He eyed me up and down and grabbed my upper arms for a second and my eyesight bot blurry, as if something triggered in my mind and saw someone else, someone with a bloody face. I staggered back. I bumped into another coworker. I apologized. The face was gone.

“Amelia,” Rey had his hands up. “Aren’t you cold?” I didn’t feel anything to be honest so I didn’t understand the question. I shook my head. “Are you sure? It’s snowing outside.” I went to scratch my head but stopped when I saw my fingers. They were getting purple.

Apparently I went out for work with the uniform only and it consist of a V neck, white and black stripped shirt with medium length sleeves, black pants and black apron while the guys had the same shirt but with a circular collar. I excused myself, punched my card and went to the staff bathroom. My fingers, my lips, the bags under my eyes (which I tried to cover them up with makeup) and my ears were getting purple. I was desperate. Did I walk all that way from my apartment? I looked at my watch that I use for work and apparently I took my time getting her also. I had a headache. I tried to apologize to the manager but was a busy morning so she just dismissed me.

The rest of the day I did my work no matter how tired I was. When I did my shift, I punched my card again and went out the door. I started to walk fast because I felt the cold punched me like I was Rocky Balboa’s punching bag… it was unbearable. How did I not notice before? “Amelia!” I heard someone calling my name. I was hugging my arms when I turned around. “Jesus, Amelia!” Rey took his red, knitted scarf—which I remember his grandmother made because he mentioned it once—and offered it to me. By that time I was shaking. I could hear my teeth chattering. “Are you trying to kill yourself?” I looked at it and he just wrapped it around my neck. I couldn’t help but to moan in pleasure. After I felt cozy I went to take it off but he insisted. “Bring it to me when you come tomorrow, and be more careful, please. These days the weather is getting colder.” I nodded and started walking. I couldn’t help but smile. He is so cute.

That night I didn’t sleep either.

Friday, 19 of December

Apparently I had taken a bath and passed out. I don’t remember getting in and less at two in the morning. The water had gotten cold and the window was open. I could feel the cold coming in. How did I wake up? My big body found a way to slide down until my head was under it. I realized I wasn’t breathing and my lungs were burning I gasped for air and puked the water. I crawled my way out of the tub and closed the door. It was too cold. After that I cleaned the mess and went to bed.

I didn’t sleep. The only time I did was before I drowned myself. When I got up I remembered yesterday and dressed myself properly and even took my own scarf and placed Rey’s on a little bag so that it didn’t get ruined. On my way I called mom.

“Amelia!” she gasped. I forgot to call her. “Mi amor!”

“Hey mom, sorry I didn’t call. These few days have been a bit crazy.” The word crazy was an understatement and I didn’t realize that I was taking the whole situation a bit too calm. “I’m on my way to work, how is everything?”

She didn’t answer my question. “Sorry that I called you so many times. It’s that your aunt called me and said that something happened to you and I got worried—very worried.” Mom sounded genuinely concerned and it made me feel bad that I hadn’t called her sooner even though she lived in Pitsburg with her new husband.

“No, I’m sorry too and I know, David called me and told me that everything went crazy and the whole family gathered and I don’t know. To be honest, mom, I went to drink with my friends and passed out. That’s why I didn’t answer. I didn’t even want to go but you know how they get.”

She sighed. “Yeah, you sure have some special friends. Usually your aunt’s dreams mean something and they are spot on.” I rolled my eyes. My family can be very superstitious. “Are you sure you are ok? Would you like to spend Christmas with me?” my heart sank because her voice sounded like a plea. “Don’t you miss your mother’s coffee?” that made me smile but when I remember the copper taste I felt like gagging.

“I do, I really do. I already promise to spend time with my friends since we all decided to stay but I already asked for New Year’s Eve.”

“Oh, ok.” She sounded sad. “Well, call me when you can. Te amo mucho, mucho, mucho. Que Dios te bendiga. I’m going to call my sister to tell her that everything is ok.” I smiled and hang up.

When I arrived I saw Rey and handed him his scarf. We had a little conversation about how I was and that this time I was dressed for the weather and that I was very crazy. I didn’t tell him about the incidents because I didn’t want him to think that I was actually losing my mind and that he was working next to a mad woman. I just smiled my way through the day.

It has been three days since I ate something and my stomach hurt like hell. I decided that when I got home I would force myself to eat even if it tastes like crap. The manager asked me if I could cover two shifts tomorrow since one of my coworkers got a cold and no one would take it. I agreed and thought that maybe it was a good idea because I got more money at the end of the week and I could use it as a distraction. When I got out, I bumped into a woman and accidentally made her purse and iPod fall to the ground. I apologized and tried to help her. Her iPod’s screen lit up and I saw that she was listening to Luciano Pavarotti’s interpretation of Nessun Dorma. (Which was ironic since it means “None Shall Sleep.”) I could hear his voice through her headphones. When I looked at her face I thought I saw the most beautiful woman in the world. Her eyes were dark grey, her hair was long, and it reached a bit down to her breast and had little curls. She was wearing a black jacket and she had her fluffy hoodie over her head that hid her dark skin with white patches around her mouth and eyes with a few spots over her forehead, a white shirt tucked inside her skinny jeans and black combat boots that reached just below her calves. For a second I thought she was the famous model Chantelle Winnie. The first two words that came to my mind were beautiful clouds.

“I-I-I’m sorry,” I managed to say again. The girl cocked her head to the side and smiled and kept walking with her stuff and entered the coffee shop. That’s just great, when I look the worst, beautiful people bump into me.

When I arrived home I didn’t feel like visiting neither of my friends. I just closed myself in my room and took out my sketch books. I felt like I haven’t drawn in ages. With the remaining strength that I had I started and when I finished I didn’t realize that it was already morning.

I forgot to eat.

I cried.

Saturday, 20 of December

When the early morning light illuminated my room, not only I had drawn on my sketchbook but also on loose paper. They were scattered all over the floor. I got up and fell on my knees because I got dizzy. I touched my head and waited for the room to stop spinning. I couldn’t even think. When I opened my eyes I saw something move from the corner of my eye from my window. It moved so fast that I only got to see a shadow.

“Stupid pigeons…” I managed to say.

I grabbed the papers and saw that I had drawn a lamp post and used charcoal to pain the rest of the paper, then a hunched body, and then a person standing and the last one was a face covered with red paint. I don’t remember using red paint. I looked at myself and I was covered with it. It was as if I just murdered someone. I got up and ran to the bathroom and tried to remove it, tears ran down from my face. Now the sink was stained with red paint. I covered my face with my hands and started sobbing.

Why can’t I remember anything?

Was I losing my mind?

When I stopped crying I went to the kitchen and reached the gallon of water from the fridge and took a plastic cup from the sink. I poured a little and when it reached my mouth I inhaled the toxic fume and dropped it on the sink. I started coughing and wheezing. I looked beside the counter and saw that it was not a gallon of water but a gallon of Clorox. I covered my mouth and tears ran down my face. What am I doing to myself?

I ran to my room and dressed myself for work and ran away from there. I even forgot to brush my teeth. I couldn’t risk putting something toxic in my mouth again. It was five in the morning and I was alone in the snowy pavements. I have to tell you, this is a different world. The day was still fresh and it still smelled of new. I walked and walked until it was time for me to get to work.

I realized that this was the most peaceful I have ever been. From my backpack I got my makeup and tried my best to not look horrible. I looked as bad as I felt and that was not good. My manager didn’t like that we would present ourselves to the costumer like we just came out of a five moth coma. My days were as bad as they were and I don’t need her getting up all over me.

After my lunch break—because I was covering another shift—which consisted on a water bottle that I asked Rey to get for me (just to make sure) I went to the register to resume my work. The costumer, that came after the woman that dressed like she meant business and who was on the phone and kept talking about the deadline of the manuscript for the editors and how the author was slacking and how this was a one-time opportunity and then cursed really loudly in Korean, asked for an espresso. I looked up and it was the girl that I bumped yesterday. She looked even more beautiful now that I had a better look.

She kept staring at me and I couldn’t help but to look down at the register. “Would that be all?” She nodded and I told her the price.

Then she took out her wallet, which I thought it was cute because it was white with thin navy blue stripes and an orange clutch, took out her money with her slender and delicate finger, her nails were painted with white mate nail polish. I wanted to be her so badly. She still had her fluffy jacket on but this time with the hoodie down. When I was about to take her money, Rey patted my shoulder. “I’ll take it from here,” he said without looking at me.

“But the manager—” he looked at me and winked and gave me a smile and then continued to attend the girl. I just looked down and went away.

When the second shift ended I decided to skip home and walk around the area until my feet hurt. That was around one in the morning. I couldn’t understand how I had the energy to walk even though all this shit happened. I think I should be dead right now. I took my phone and googled how many days can a human survive without food or sleep. The most is thirty two days.

I rather die.

Sunday, 21 of December

It was my day off.

How did I spend it? I avoided my friends. I told them I was sick and that I couldn’t go out. When they didn’t take my word for it (I am not gonna lie, I have lied before to get away from the spontaneous hang outs.) they knocked on my door and saw how horrible I looked, and of course they believed me and went their way. Amanda said: “You look like shit,”

Brad said: “That’s just great, now I have to go to Barnes & Noble alone.”

Veronica said: “Oh, my God. You should go to the doctor!”

I should go to the doctor. Why didn’t think of that? It never crossed my mind that I need clinical help. Even now, as I realized this I just sat on my couch and did nothing. My body didn’t move even though I had to do something about my situation. I didn’t call anyone. I just suffered alone.

Monday, 22 of December

I was fired from work.

I snapped at a costumer that looked like he could break me by just looking at me. We started arguing about the amount of whip cream that a hot chocolate should have. I grabbed the man’s collar and they had to break us apart. When I realized what happened, I apologized and the manager fired me. My hand was bleeding because I buried my fingernails so hard that it pierced my skin.

I went home.

The beautiful girl was at the coffee shop and saw the whole thing.

Rey looked at me like I was crazy. As if he didn’t know who I was. He didn’t even ask if I was alright.

Tuesday, 23 of December

I cried myself all day.

I was a pathetic shit that didn’t deserve anything. I heard a knocking on the door and decided to ignore it. I closed my eyes and I could hear in the distance a voice. It was beautiful opera song. The song was sad and I could understand what it said thanks to two semesters of Italian, I understood it. Again I heard a knock on the door so I stood up. I didn’t want to leave; I wanted to continue hearing the voice.

When I was about to open the door, someone slid something under it. I staggered a bit back because it surprised me. I opened the door quickly and saw no one. I closed the door and locked it for sure this time. It was a garnet colored envelop with a black wax seal and it had the N in cursive. It was a very beautiful thing to see. Maybe someone mistook my apartment.

I looked at the other side of it and it had my name in beautiful cursive letters. I was so wrong. Someone was messing with me and I was angry. Mad even. I ripped the seal and it crumbled onto the floor like dark snow. I took the letter and it had black paper with golden letters, but what I noticed was that the hand writing wasn’t the same as the original message from the post-it note.

They were lyrics.

I dropped it and ran to my room.

It was the same song that heard before I heard the knocks.

The translation goes like this:

“Leave me to die.
Leave me to die.
And who do you think
Can comfort me
In such a hard state,
In such great suffering?
Leave me to die.
Leave me to die.”

I covered my ears with my pillows and the only thing I could think over and over again was the fact that there was only one day left.