Chasing Cars

Later on, Chris and I were lying in bed together. I had my head on his chest. He was naked, but I was still wearing the red top. He traced his fingers up my arm and kissed my forehead.

"I missed you," he said.

"I missed you too," I replied.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure." I nodded. He took a deep breath.

"Um—when was the last time you had your period?" I froze. He knew. It was too obvious now. Even with the top on, he could see that I was hiding something. He'd tried to lift it to kiss my stomach, and I'd pushed it back down. I never did things like that. I usually let him kiss me wherever he wanted. And my boobs were too big. I knew the boobs would throw it off. "Marley?"

"Uh—you know—it's been a while," I finally choked out.

"So—there's a possibility that…."

"It's not so much a possibility as a—definite." He went completely still and silent for a moment. I could hear his heartbeat speed up, and it almost felt like he had stopped breathing.

"How long have you known?" he finally asked.

"A few weeks."

"And you didn't tell me?"

"I wanted to wait for you to get home so I could tell you in person. And I've also sort of been procrastinating." He sat up so sharply that I had to jump out of his way. I sat up beside him and grew instantly nervous about how he looked me over with narrowed eyes, examining every part of me with clearer eyes.

"Jesus," he said. "Look at you." Then he stood up and began redressing himself.

"Chris, I'm sorry," I told him. "I just—didn't know. I ignored it. And when I found out, I didn't want to say anything. I'm just really confused and scared, and I don't know what to do."

"When did you find out?" He had his jeans back on, but his shirt was still in his hands.

"The day I passed out. The last time."

"Is this why you've been fainting?" he asked.

"Yes," I said.

"How far along?"

"Four and a half months."

"Jesus—fucking Christ." He pulled the shirt on and disappeared into the living room. I jumped out of bed and pulled on a pair of sweatpants.

"Chris, I didn't know!" I said as I followed him.

"How could you not know?" he asked as he turned around to face me.

"Because it's not as easy to figure out as you'd think, okay? I didn't get morning sickness or anything! My period is always late. Granted, not this late. But I'm stupid too, on top of everything else. It's so fucking obvious to me now, but I kept ignoring it. And finally, I just couldn't do that anymore."

"If it was so fucking obvious, why were you ignoring it at all?"

"Because—I—I never really wanted to have kids," I admitted softly. He stood up straight.

"What do you mean you don't want to have kids? You're pregnant. If you didn't want them, we probably should have tried harder to prevent them."

"Yeah—I know—but…."

"But what?"

"I'm not sure if I'm going to keep it or not." He blinked a few times.

"Isn't it a little late for that?" he asked.

"Yes, it's too late for that," I replied.

"Are we talking about adoption?" I nodded, and his expression went from confused to nearly hostile.

"I've been thinking about it." He turned away from me and went silent, but I could still hear him breathing through his teeth. Then he finally turned around and leaned his arms against the couch, gripping it tightly with his hands.

"You're forgetting something important," he said.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's my baby too. It's your body. I understand that. But it's too late to change anything. So if you're going to have a baby, it's my baby too. And I don't care if you don't want it. You can do whatever the hell you want. But I'm not giving my kid away. And you won't take my kid from me."

We were both silent for a few beats. I might have had my mouth open too. I was confused but also really angry now. And I was trying to think of the most horribly mean thing I could possibly say to him. I regretted it the second it came out of my mouth, but I couldn't stop it. I was full of hormones and emotions, and I was angry and hurt, and it spewed out of my mouth before I could catch it.

"Fine," I said quietly. "Your kid is the grandchild of a rapist. You keep it."

Then I turned on my heel and went back to the bedroom. I slammed the door shut behind myself. Unfortunately, I didn't think to lock it because Chris barged in a moment later. I was putting a shirt on over my head, and he stopped in his tracks and took a moment to assess the slight roundness of my belly before pointing his finger at me.

"You need to get the fuck over that," he said. Okay, one thing anyone needs to know about me. I hate when people point their fingers at me and tell me what to do. I hated his tone, especially the subject, and I was about to snowball out of control.

"I won't get the fuck over it!" I snapped. "I have his DNA! I've been terrified my whole life of passing it on! I never wanted to have kids just for that fucking reason! And now I have no goddamn choice!"

"There is nothing fucking wrong with you! Why don't you understand that?"

"Because I shouldn't exist, and neither should this baby!"

"We've been over this before!"

"No, we haven't!" He pulled his fingers through his dirty blond hair, making it stick up and adding to the already maniacal look he was taking on.

"Look, everyone has some shitty ancestors, alright? We're an entire country founded by really shitty people, and we all fucking descended from them. So stop blaming yourself for something you didn't do. And for god's sake, don't blame the kid." Then I started to cry. I would yell a bit, and then I'd get emotional and push him away. That was always how I fought my battles. I was predictable, and I knew I was doing it, but I couldn't stop myself.

"I think you need to leave," I said.

"Don't fucking do this to me, Marley," he said. "Just talk to me."

"No! Go away!"

"You're running again! That's what you always do! You're confused, and you're scared and hurt, and you're going to run away! You're going to push me away and ignore everything I've said to you!" I sobbed.

"Just go away! Leave! Leave me alone! Go!" I pushed him out of the bedroom, and he took my upper arms in his big hands.

"I'm not going anywhere this time!"

"Go away!" I shrieked.

"You can't do this to me, Marley. We're in this together!"

"This is my apartment, and I want you to leave!" He was silent as he held my arms.

"You're kicking me out?" he asked. I wasn't. Until he said it. I sobbed.

"Yes! Go! I don't want you here!"

I said it. The un-erasable words. I'd hurt him. I didn't mean to. I wished I could take the words back, but it was too late. My mouth had taken over my body, and I said something I didn't mean to say. He let go of me and went to get his shoes.

"Chris, I…," I started, but he put his finger up to silence me.

"Don't say anything," he said. He took a deep breath. "I think—you need some time to figure things out. But I swear to God, Marley, if you leave with my kid, I WILL find you."

"Chris…."

"Stop. I got you a gift. It's in the kitchen." Then he left the apartment, slamming the door behind himself.

I stood there in shock for a minute. What the hell did I just do? I ruined everything just like the last time. He was right. I ran away when I got scared. I chose not to face the facts or listen to what he was trying to tell me. I ignored things until I couldn't anymore and pushed away the only person I loved because I was too afraid to deal with my problems.

I stepped into the kitchen after he left and found the gift. There was a small plastic bowl on the counter. And inside, it was a pretty maroon and navy blue beta fish. He swam around in circles, not realizing he was the replacement pet. Not realizing he had the worst mother a pet or a child could have. He had me. And so I burst into tears at the sight of him.