Chasing Cars

I spent the rest of the day pacing the apartment and crying a lot. I was waiting for Chris to come home or to call. I wanted to call him, but I was too afraid. I didn't know if it was too soon. I didn't want us to keep fighting. I knew we both just needed to cool off. I ate dinner alone, and then I stayed up all night worrying about him. It was midnight before I worked up the courage to do anything, but I was a coward. I decided to text him.

"Please just let me know if you're okay," I said. He didn't text back for a whole half hour.

"I'm not okay," the text said. "But I'm safe. Don't worry." I wanted to ask him where he was, but I decided against it. So I put my phone on the highest volume setting and tried to get some sleep. Then I mostly just cried until I couldn't anymore.

In the morning, I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock. I crawled out of bed and went to the bathroom. The toilet seat was down, and since this was the first morning Chris was back, it was supposed to be up. And it really bothered me that it wasn't. I even checked this time.

I looked myself over in the mirror. My makeup had run, but I slept most of it off. It was smudged under one eye. The other side had smeared against my cheek. My eyes were puffy and red. I definitely looked like someone who had spent the night crying. Luckily I remembered to take my contacts out.

I took a shower hoping that it would make me feel a bit more human, or at least look a bit more human. But I was too lazy to do anything nice with my hair or clothes. So I stuck a beanie on my head and got dressed. I ate a bagel and cream cheese before I left the house. I hadn't forgotten to eat in a while, mainly because the baby wouldn't let me. I woke up with a raging hunger every morning. Sometimes I was afraid I'd pass out before even getting to the kitchen.

When I got to work, the guys were all there again. I stepped into the backroom to put my bag in my locker, and everyone froze to look at me.

"Don't you guys have jobs?" I asked. Even Sarah was there.

"Marley—what happened?" Todd asked.

"I don't want to talk about it." I shoved my bag into my locker and retreated to the front room. I sat down behind the counter and then slouched over the glass display case. A moment later, I felt someone's arm over my shoulders.

"Hey, are you okay?" Sarah asked.

"I fucked up," I told her.

"What happened? Was it Chris?" I nodded. "He didn't break up with you, did he?" I shook my head.

"No, I kind of broke up with him."

"Why?"

"Because I'm an idiot."

"I'm sure he'll understand. I'm sure you guys can work it out." I shook my head.

"No, it was bad. I think I really hurt him."

"He loves you, and you guys are going to have a baby. A few words aren't going to keep him away." I looked up at her.

"Doug told you?" She smiled.

"It's kind of obvious." I sighed heavily and rubbed my eyes under my glasses.

"I'm so stupid."

"Just talk to him. Work it out. Everything will be fine."

She didn't see the problem here. The problem wasn't getting Chris back. I was sure I could make up with him. The problem was that I wasn't sure I could keep him. I wasn't sure if I wanted the baby or not. And he knew that he did within two minutes of finding out. So what if I decided to back out, and he decided NOT to? Then there would be no 'us.' He wanted to be a father. He knew right away that he did. I was four months in and still didn't know. It was likely that I would end up alone. There was no way we could be together with such significant conflicting opinions.

"I'll talk to him," I told her to make her leave. She patted my back and left me alone.

I was a wreck all day long. I was moody and depressed. My co-workers felt it. My customers felt it. I was walking around with a big angry cloud over my head.

In the afternoon, I was going through a shelf to reorganize it after a customer felt the need to remove nearly every comic, examine it, and then stuff it back in a random slot. So I had to find the ones out of order and put them back.

I heard the door ding, and then I felt warm arms wrap around me. I abandoned the book I was holding and closed my eyes to melt into him. I didn't have a care in the world except for those arms. He hugged me tightly, and I didn't want to let him go. He held me for a moment before speaking.

"We need to talk," he said. I nodded.

"I know," I replied.

"I'll buy you lunch."

"Okay, let me go tell Larry."

I let Chris go and headed into the office to tell Larry I was taking my lunch break. Then I grabbed my jacket, scarf, and bag and met Chris out in the front room. He led me outside to his car, and we drove to our favorite vegetarian-friendly burger place. We didn't speak a single word until we sat down to eat.

"We need to figure this out, Marley," he said. I nodded and bit open a package of ketchup.

"I know," I replied.

"So, what's your plan?"

"I don't know yet."

"I think it's pretty obvious that I want to keep this baby." I nodded again.

"I know that."

"And I'm going to do it with or without you." I sniffed but nodded.

"I know."

"But I want to know what you want to do about it."

"I don't know yet." I started to cry again. Just a bit. Tears began to fill up in my eyes.

"When are you going to figure it out?" he asked, looking at me sympathetically but not reaching out to touch me like I wanted him to.

"I don't know," I repeated. He sighed and picked up a french-fry. I got the feeling he wasn't very hungry. I was eating for two, so you could put anything in front of me, and I'd be happy.

"What are you going to do in the meantime? While you try to figure it out," he asked. This time I was the one who sighed.

"That's the hard part," I said.

"Why?"

"Because I'm not sure I want to be part of this baby's life. And I don't want us to stay together and be happy just for me to take off and leave you guys. So if I decide I don't want to do this, it will be a lot harder on us if we're together when I make that decision." He nodded slowly to himself.

"You're breaking up with me," he stated.

"I—I don't know. I'm not—I'm not breaking up with you," I stuttered. "I just—need some time—and some space—I don't know if I'm ready for this. I never planned on being a mom. It's not something I ever thought I'd have to do. So if it turns out that I can't do this, I think it'll be a lot easier on all of us if we're already apart when that happens. That way, it's not like I—walked out on you." I couldn't tell for sure, but I didn't think Chris was pleased about this new decision. He was silent as he ate, breathing heavily. His eyes were glassy but not teary.

"Somehow, I figured that would be your decision," he finally said.

"It's not that I don't want to be with you. I love being with you. It's just that—right now, we've got two different opinions about where we want our lives to go. We can't be together if you're going to be a parent and I'm not. It won't work that way."

"So—what your plan is—is to give the kid to me and then take off?" I took a sharp breath.

"I don't know yet, Chris. You're obviously already more equipped to handle parenting than I am," I said.

"You know that's not true."

"I don't know that. That's the problem." He nodded again.

"I love you, Marley, and until yesterday you were the most important person in my life. But now that baby is. So no matter how much it will kill me to not have you in my life, I'm afraid I will have to put it before you." I nodded.

"I understand. I told you that you were a better parent than me."

"You won't be a bad parent at all. I never doubted your ability to be a good mother. I just doubted your DESIRE to be one."

"And you have every right to. Obviously."

"So we've only talked about the one scenario. Why don't we talk about the other one?" he suggested.

"You mean if I decide I want to stick around?" I asked. He nodded.

"Yeah." I sighed again.

"I don't know. Then I'll stick around."

"What I'm asking is—if I 'give you space' and you decide you want to stick it out and be a mom, are you going to come back to me, or what?"

"If—that's what you want. But I'd understand if you didn't." He gave me a stern look.

"Of course it's what I want. That's the scenario I'm hoping for." I smiled softly.

"Me too. I just can't be sure if it's the likely one," I admitted. He nodded again.

"I need to get you back to the store." He stood up and threw away the rest of his food. He had hardly touched any of it. I'd already eaten half the burger and fries. I decided to take the rest of it with me. I'd eat at the store. My lunch break wasn't anywhere near being over, but I had the feeling that Chris just wanted to be alone.

We got back into his car, and he drove me back to the shop. He stopped out front, and we were silent for a minute. Then he took a deep breath and let it go.

"I'm going to go along with this, Marley," he said. "Because I want you to be happy. And I want you to figure this out on your own. I'll come and get my stuff today. I'll have my phone with me always. I want you to call me if you need anything at all. I don't care what it is. Money, food, a hug. Anything. I want to be part of this baby's life, so I would appreciate it if you let me start now. I want to be there for doctor's appointments, and I want to feel it move. And I don't give a shit what you feel about me. I will be there for its birth. I'll be staying with Vic until I can get my own place. If you decide you want to do this with me, you're welcome to move in at any time. If you decide not to, you're welcome to let me know."

"That's fine," I said.

"I'll call you tomorrow."

"Okay." I opened the door and went to climb out.

"The fish," he said from behind me. "What'd you name him?" I turned back around to face him. I could see the pain in his eyes, and I hated myself for doing that to him. Again.

"Zapp Brannigan," I told him. He smiled just slightly.

"That's a good one."

"I know."

"I love you, Marley." I felt my heart get so heavy I was afraid I'd sink into the earth.

"I love you too," I replied. Then I closed the door and took my heavy heart back into the shop.