Chasing Cars

My heavy heart only grew heavier when I got back home later. Chris’s drawers were empty, and some of his things were missing. Like his laptop and his books and things, but he’d left just about everything else. Even though the apartment was mostly the same, I still felt like it lacked him entirely. I cried so much I was afraid I’d dry out my source. I was wrong. The tears kept coming anyway.

I went to the kitchen to get something to eat, and I noticed Chris hadn’t left his key. This made me only a slight bit happier. I wanted him to be able to come and go. Of course, I didn’t want him to be gone at all, but I wanted to brace myself just in case I decided not to be there to raise the baby with him.

I got a snack, fed Zapp, who was doing wonderfully in his big tank, and then I climbed back into bed. But my insomnia returned. I couldn’t sleep at all anymore. My doctor told me not to sleep on my back, and I obviously couldn’t sleep on my stomach. My legs were restless, and my mind was bothering me. I never slept well when I was alone, and now that I knew I’d be sleeping alone for a long time—it felt even lonelier than before. I had no legs to rest mine on. No arms to snuggle into. And no scratchy face kisses to wake me up.

The next morning I got up and went to work even though I was dead tired. I texted Chris to ask him if he would meet me for lunch again. He agreed. I was behind the counter when he came in. So I got my stuff and followed him out to his car. This time we went to get pizza. We got settled in at the table with the potato wedges and breadsticks. Chris seemed to be irritated by the way people kept staring at him. It happened a lot the closer we got to baseball season. Even though he wasn’t the Giants star player, and he was new.

“So, what did you want to talk to me about?” he finally asked.

“Um—I just wanted to let you know that I have another appointment next week,” I told him. “If you want to come.”

“Sure. Yeah. Where is it at?”

“Here.” I slid an envelope across the table. I noticed a group of guys was eyeing us curiously. “It’s got the address and the date and time. I won’t be having an ultrasound. They’ll just listen to the heartbeat and see how I’m doing. But I already had one ultrasound. The pictures are in there.”

He pulled the papers out of the envelope. The first one was the date and time and the doctor’s business card. The rest were pictures.

“Wow,” he said. I only nodded. The pictures definitely wowed me. You could see every limb and even the nose and fingers.

“I have the video too. It’s on a disc, but I haven’t made copies yet.” He looked up at me.

“Why are you making a copy?” he asked. I was silent for a moment.

“I’m not a monster, Chris,” I said.

“I’m just wondering. You said you weren’t even sure yet.”

“Yeah, but—I’m still human. Even if I’m not around, I’ll still be its mother. I’d like to have some sort of proof of that. I just don’t want the kid to resent me if I only come around on holidays or stick around for a month and take off.”

“Just wondering.” He looked back at the picture, and one of the guys strolled over to us.

“Hey, are you…,” he started. But Chris looked up, obviously annoyed.

“Not now, man. Give me a few minutes. It’s kind of important,” he said. The guy nodded and went back to the bar as Chris muttered to himself.

“He’s just a fan,” I said. He nodded.

“I know. I didn’t mean to snap at him. I’m just trying to look at pictures of my kid and talk to you, and I don’t really want to have our whole lunch interrupted so I can get bombarded with questions. I’ll—pay his tab or something.”

“I’m sure he’d rather just have your autograph.”

“He can have that too. I just want to eat lunch. There’s a girl over there in a red dress, and he hasn’t so much as looked at her ass.” I gave him an annoyed look.

“Were you looking at her ass?” I asked him.

“After seeing your ass in a lacy red thong, I haven’t even been able to think the word ‘ass.” This got a smile out of me.

“You just said it.”

“Because I was thinking of yours.”

“Good to know you liked the thong.”

“I thought it was pretty obvious I liked it. Where’d you get it anyway?”

“Victoria’s Secret.”

“I’ll send you a gift card for your birthday.”

“I was going to ask for one anyway. But don’t change the subject. Why’d you bring up the girl in the red dress?” He looked back up at me.

“Didn’t you hear them talking about it? Half the bar heard it.” I turned to look at the group of guys as they stood by the bar even though it was too early for them to be drinking. They were definitely looking at the girl in the red dress. Except for the guy who’d come to talk to Chris.

“Maybe he’s gay,” I suggested. He shrugged and turned back to the pictures.

“I’m taken,” he said. I took a deep breath. “Do you know what it is yet?”

“Not yet. They told me I could find out. But I didn’t want to know.” He looked at me. He knew the reason wasn’t that I was being old-fashioned. It was because knowing would make it more real. He just nodded.

“Do you mind if I ask the doctor?” he asked me.

“No, go right ahead. Just keep me out of it and don’t tell me,” I told him. He nodded again.

“That’s fine.”

Our pizza came, and we settled in to eat. I watched him slide a piece onto his plate and grab more breadsticks.

“You should really go talk to that guy,” I suggested.

“Ugh, fine,” he replied. “But if he asks for my number, I’m giving him yours.”