Chasing Cars

I woke in the morning when Larry came in to open the shop. He walked into the back room and flicked the light on. Which startled me awake. I rolled over and blinked up at the blurry form of him standing in the doorway.

“Marley? What are you doing here?” he asked. I sat up and located my glasses.

“I’m sorry. I just needed a place to crash. It was late. So I didn’t want to call you.”

“It’s okay. You know you can always come here. Why did you need a place to crash? You still have your apartment, don’t you?”

“Yeah, the apartment is fine. I was just having a rough day, and I didn’t want to go home.”

“Chris stopped by before closing last night.”

“That’s why I didn’t want to go home.” He thought about this for a moment. He was balancing a bunch of folders in one arm and a travel coffee cup in the other.

“Are you guys still having problems?” he asked.

“I don’t really know. I just know that I didn’t want to talk to him.” He nodded.

“Well—let me know next time. Doesn’t matter what time it is. Ben moved out, so there’s an extra room at the house. Darcy and I would give you a place to stay if you needed it.”

“I will. I promise.” He headed into the front room to get the lights on, and I followed after him. “Hey, I should probably go home and take a shower and all that. I’ll be back later when my shift starts.”

“Of course. Take all the time you need.”

“Sweet. Thanks.”

I went to grab my stuff and carried everything back to the car. Part of the reason I wanted to leave was because—well, 1, my shift didn’t start until 11:30, and I wasn’t ready to start working yet. 2 was because I wasn’t ready to face Chris if he showed up. And 3 was because I thought it was time I took some action.

I’d been thinking a lot during the night when I was crying instead of sleeping. I wasn’t going to let Chris have the baby if he was seeing someone else so soon. I know it was utterly selfish of me, but I couldn’t stomach the idea of handing my baby over to some unknown woman after carrying it for nine months. He was at perfect liberty to date if that’s what he wanted to do. I broke up with him, so I couldn’t say anything about it. But he wasn’t going to raise my kid with that woman. I wasn’t going to be a surrogate mother.

I drove a few blocks over and parallel parked on an inclining hill. I sat in the car for a moment, debating whether or not I should go in. There was a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I couldn’t tell if it was just me lashing out at Chris or if it was really the right choice to make.

But I figured it wouldn’t hurt to look into some information about adoption just in case Chris decided this woman was more important than our kid. The thought of the voice at the other end of the phone filled me with rage. So I pulled myself out of the car and went inside.

An hour later, I was really rethinking my decision to come in and talk to them. It wasn’t that they weren’t nice people. We just started talking about open adoptions over closed ones, and I felt that same tight pressure in my chest. Like a strange protectiveness I couldn’t really explain just yet. I didn’t want to hand these strangers my kid.

“Ma’am, can I be honest with you?” I told the woman across the desk.

“Of course,” she replied.

“I’m not even sure if I’m going to do this yet. I just want to know all of my options.”

“That’s perfectly understandable….” She paused. There seemed to be something going on outside in the front office. She was looking off over my shoulder, so I turned around just in time to see Chris storm into the room. He picked up my bag and slung it over his shoulder.

“We need to talk,” he said.

“How did you find me here?” I asked him.

“Come outside with me.”

“I’m calling security,” the woman warned.

“No,” I told her. “It’s okay. I’ll be right back.” I stood up and followed him back outside. He stopped at the curb by my car. He was parked right in front of me, and because of the incline on the sidewalk, he was almost at eye level.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” he asked me.

“How did you find me? You’re not stalking me, are you?”

“What? No. I drive this way to the coffee shop up the street. I spotted your car. I thought we went over this already.”

“I’m not going to let you raise my kid with someone else, Chris.”

“At the moment, I have no plans to do that, Marley.”

“Then who was the woman you were with last night?”

“Vic’s neighbor! She came over to bring us dinner! She has the hots for baseball players, and Vic always hangs out with her.”

“She called you ‘Christopher.”

“That’s my name.”

“I didn’t like her tone.”

“Why does it matter to you? You broke up with me, remember?” I took a step back, but I was still irritated.

“Listen to me, Christopher. If you want this baby, you will have to do it on your own or with me. I’m not giving birth to this kid so you can have a family with someone else.”

“So you’d rather give it to random strangers than have me raise the kid with someone else?”

“Yes! Because I can at least choose the baby’s family!”

“I can take you to court,” he threatened. I moved closer to him, making him tower over me again.

“Then do it,” I replied. He reached out and took my wrist in his hand. Gently. Soothingly.

“I don’t WANT anyone else to raise our kid, Marley. I want us to. Me and you. Together.”

“Then keep your dick clean.”

“My dick is clean, for fuck’s sake. I haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Then make her go away.”

“Why are you so protective of me all of a sudden?”

“Because I still love you. And I know you still love me.” We were both silent as we stared each other down. I could tell the defiant side of him didn’t like me staking my claim, but he didn’t say anything about it. He didn’t argue because it was true.

“Besides,” I said, taking a step back again. “I wasn’t going to do it anyway.” I motioned toward the building and stepped off the sidewalk to get in my car. I drove away without another word spoken between us.