Chasing Cars

I woke to Chris spooning me first thing in the morning. His head was tucked against the back of my neck, so I could feel him breathing on my shoulder. His arm was around me so that his hand was resting on my stomach. I woke because the baby had kicked me.

“Did you feel it?” I asked, not even bothering to open my eyes.

“They moving?” I moved his hand down to the spot.

“Keep waiting.”

We stayed like that for another moment. He kissed my shoulder, and I smiled to myself. I slept great. But instead of the usual giddiness and energy I felt after spending the night with Chris, I felt hollow longing. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea after all. It already hurt, and he wasn’t even gone yet.

He waited for a long moment, just gently tracing his fingers over my bare skin. And then the baby kicked, and he froze, spreading his hand out over the curve of my belly.

“You feel it?” I asked as the baby thumped beneath my skin.

“Yeah, I feel it.” He nuzzled my neck, and I smiled again. I decided to just pretend for a moment that there weren’t so many doubts. We were just a happy family, and he wasn’t going to leave. I wasn’t worried about anything, and this baby would be mine. Ours. We’d get to raise them together. Maybe even have another one someday. “It’s amazing,” he murmured.

“I know. Sometimes it gets the hiccups, and my whole belly shakes.” I could feel him smile.

“Do you regret it?” he asked. The question was laced with pain. So I turned onto my back to face him. He cupped my cheek in his hand and waited for me to answer.

“I don’t regret a single thing,” I promised him. He frowned but quickly hid it behind a kiss.

“I have to go,” he told me when he pulled back. The pain was almost overwhelming now. I sniffled.

“I know.” We sat up together, but he took my face in his hands and kissed me slowly and softly.

“This probably wasn’t the best idea we’ve ever had.”

“I know. You were right. It hurts.” He kissed my forehead and then held his cheek against mine.

“It hurts me too.” He sighed. “God, I love you, Marley.”

“I love you too.”

I held onto his shoulders, wishing he could stay. I knew he had to go because of his job. He made good money, and it made him happy. But I wished we could stay in this moment a little longer.

“We probably shouldn’t do this again,” he said when he pulled back. I sniffled and nodded.

“You’re probably right,” I agreed. But I knew that I would anyway. As long as he still wanted me.

“I really hope that—you figure out what you want to do soon because I don’t like being without you.” Now I was really crying.

“I don’t want to be without you either. I’m so sorry for all of this.” I buried my face in my hands. He rubbed my back and kissed my shoulder.

“Just—really think about what you’re doing, Mar. Our baby will be a good person if we raise them to be a good person. DNA doesn’t have anything to do with it. We do.”

“I know. I….”

“I’ll be home in a month.” He got up, not letting me finish as if he didn’t want to hear what new excuse I was going to make. I wasn’t about to make one. But I didn’t fight him. I nodded anyway.

“Okay,” I said, sniffing my tears back. I watched him gather up his clothes.

“I’ll call you.”

“Every day?”

“Twice a day. So often that you’ll get sick of me.”

“I could never be sick of you.”

He sighed again as if I’d just stabbed him in the heart. But he didn’t say anything else as he got dressed. At least not until after he was done. Then he climbed back onto the bed and held me tight for a long moment. When he let go, he kissed me for even longer. Not the kiss of two people promising not to go to bed together again. The kiss of two people who still loved each other.

“I love you,” he said when he pulled away.

“I love you too.” But he stood back, watching me as he backed out of the room. Then he disappeared into the living room. And I was left alone in the silence after the front door shut.