‹ Prequel: Let's Waste Time
Sequel: Around Our Heads
Status: Complete

Chasing Cars

Twenty-Two

Chris called me later to tell me he was on his way. He told me he missed me but that it really hurt to leave. He didn’t think we should do it again. I cried, but I reluctantly agreed. I really, really hurt.

While he was gone, I felt his absence even stronger. This time, I didn’t have his things to comfort me. Only one of his shirts I’d stolen just so I could wear it when he was gone. I was pretty sure he knew I had it, but he let me keep it anyway. And it smelled more like me than him now anyway. I’d probably have to steal a different one when he got home.

He called me daily just to see how I was doing like usual. But our conversations were always cut short and filled with awkward pauses. It was painful to hear his voice, knowing that he wasn’t really mine anymore. I said that he was, but it didn’t feel like it. He rarely told me he loved me or missed me. But I guess he didn’t need to. I could hear it just in the way he spoke. The pauses weren’t awkward because we didn’t know what to say. They were awkward because we had millions of things to say and were too afraid to say them.

One day he called me while I was at work. He never called me when I was working. So there was a moment of panic when I rushed into the backroom to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Hey, guess where I’ll be tonight?” he asked. And he sounded okay. Excited.

“I read your schedule.”

“Well, they rescheduled us. So it’s going to be a home game after all.”

“Shut up!”

“Not joking. Do you want to come?”

“Really? Tonight?”

“Yeah, I’ll leave a ticket for you at the gate. Just tell them who you are, and they’ll let you right in. You can hang out at the booth with Olivia. But friendly reminder that she likes to sit out in the stands.”

“I remember. But I’ll still come.”

“For sure?”

“For sure. I’ll be there.” I swear he sighed with relief.

“I can’t wait to see you,” he said. And there it was. That reassurance that he loved me and missed me. The wistful way he’d said it.

“I can’t wait to see you too.”

“I have to go. But I’ll see you tonight.”

“You will.”

We disconnected, and I smiled to myself as I tucked my phone back into my pocket. I missed him so much. And even though I knew almost nothing about baseball, I loved watching him play.

But if there was anything I knew for sure about my life, it’s that there was always something waiting on the sidelines to clusterfuck it up. I wasn’t particularly happy or anything. But I was excited to see Chris and really starting to think about our future and what I wanted. And I’d already come to the conclusion that I wanted him. I just had to be sure I also wanted our baby.

Part of me did, of course. I’d wanted it from the start. But part of me was also just terrified. Not just terrified that our baby would grow up to be a monster. But that I would be. That I’d ruin their life the way my mother had ruined mine. That I’d resent them so much that they’d have memories of sitting on a stoop all alone while the rest of the family watched movies and had game nights.

I wouldn’t do that. I knew I’d never do that. But did the monster who hurt my mother deserve to have his seed spread out all over the damn planet? It was bad enough that I existed as proof of his cruelty. But having some innocent little baby exist too. Was it cruel to put my mother through that? Even if she did intentionally force me out of her life and traumatize my childhood.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it while I finished the rest of my shift. I was sitting behind the counter going through a box of new orders when the door dinged. Someone approached the counter and cleared his throat. I wasn’t even supposed to be at the register, so I didn’t acknowledge it at first. I was supposed to be working on off-desk projects. But someone had to watch the door when Albert disappeared. So I took it upon myself to look up and was one second away from launching into my peppy customer service voice—when my heart stopped.

“What are you doing here?” I asked instead of greeting him.

When I was young and just barely out of high school, this man had seemed like my dream man. I didn’t know he was married when we started fooling around. And when I’d found out, he’d tried to convince me that they were in the middle of a divorce and had moved on from it. I was young and stupid and wanted so desperately to feel loved that I believed him. It was a lie, of course. And this lie had eaten at me until it eventually drove me right into Chris’s arms.

But Chris had given me all the things I’d once wanted from Trent. He’d given me honesty and trust and, more than anything, love. Just love. And now that I knew what it really felt like to be loved and respected by someone, I realized that Trent had never loved or respected me at all.

“I came to see you,” he said like this was completely obvious, and I was dumb. There was a knee-jerk reaction ingrained in me to apologize. Like I’d done something wrong. Only I’d been in a healthy relationship long enough now that I didn’t give into it. It was stupid for him to be there to see me. So I didn’t need to apologize.

“Why?” I asked.

“I came to see how you’re doing. I haven’t talked to you in forever. Was in town.”

“It’s a big city.”

“And the entire place reminds me of you.”

“How are the wife and kids?”

“Well, we divorced. Officially. It’s been finalized.” I snorted a laugh.

“So that’s why you’re here.”

“Yes. I won’t lie. I had an ulterior motive. I just wanted to let you know. I’ve wanted to see you for a while, but I knew it wouldn’t be right to approach you until things were cleared up.”

I was silent as I watched him with narrowed eyes. His hair was longer than the last time I’d seen him. Which I knew went against his airline’s dress code. He looked the same otherwise. Only my heart wasn’t pattering in my chest, and I was noticing that he really wasn’t as attractive as I’d thought he was. Not like Chris was anyway. That man looked like he’d been chiseled from marble by the gods. This man was—just a man.

“You look good,” he said, nodding toward me. Likely noticing the changes I’d gone through since we were last together.

I felt better. Healthier from a mental standpoint. Which probably reflected in other areas. I still dressed like I was fourteen. But my hair was cleaner and decently brushed. My boobs had obviously grown. But that had more to do with the baby hiding behind the edge of the counter out of sight.

“Did you come back here thinking we could start over or something?” I wondered.

“No, I just wanted to see you. And okay, maybe part of me is hoping there’s still a chance we can reconcile. But if that’s not an option, I’d like for us to try and be friends.”

Friends? Was he serious? We’d never been friends. And it wasn’t until we broke up that I realized how shitty he’d been with his wife and me both. So what would make him think I’d ever want to be friends with a man who slept with barely legal teen girls and cheated on his wife?

“That’s probably not a good idea,” I said, going back to work, pulling out packets of chipboard backings.

“You said that like I’m being ridiculous.”

“You are being ridiculous. You can’t seriously believe I’d ever reconsider.”

“Why not? Are you seeing someone now or something?”

The way he said it made my skin crawl. Like he found the idea of me being with someone else preposterous. I remembered the things he used to say to me. How no one would ever love me like he did. Like I’d never be able to find someone better. So I snorted a laugh again, even though my heart was pounding. Not with butterflies. But with anxiety.

“I think it’s gone beyond just seeing someone at this point,” I said. I set the box aside and stood up so he could take in the new shape of my body. He was silent, but the corners of his mouth tightened as he zeroed in on my belly. Something in the shift in his eyes set my nerves on edge.

“Who?” he growled, turning his eyes back on me. As if he had any right to know.

“Chris.” His dark eyes narrowed.

“The guy you were sleeping around with?” I nodded.

“The guy who’s been my boyfriend for the past year and a half.” I wasn’t going to explain how we’d broken up and how on the fence I was about this pregnancy. At that moment, I felt proud. Proud of being Chris’s girlfriend. Proud of the fact that it was his baby in my belly and not this man’s. I wanted to rub that in his face. That I’d not only found someone better than him, but someone I could have a family with.

“That guy is a prick,” he said.

“He’s never been a prick to me.” He laughed lightly and ran his fingers through his hair like he did when he was stressed. He was obviously tense. I’d thrown a wrench into his plans.

“And what exactly makes you think he’s father material?”

“Well, he has a great career, and we’ve lived together for a year now. He’s been nothing but wonderful to me. And I trust that he’s not the type of guy to prey on eighteen-year-old girls behind my back. So that would already make him a better father than you. But, regardless, he’ll be a father either way.”

He glared at me now. He was already tense, but I’d touched a nerve. Back in the day, I could say whatever I wanted about Sasha. But he’d lose his mind if I said anything about his kids. Even if I hadn’t said anything negative. Not that I ever would have. It wasn’t their fault they’d been caught up in all this. But I’d quickly learned not to talk about them at all. Let alone his shitty parenting.

“I came here to make amends, Marley,” he said calmly.

“No, you didn’t. You came here looking for the same naive young girl you used to be able to manipulate. Now that your wife left you, you want someone to make you feel good about yourself again. You’re not going to find that with me. You couldn’t pay me to give you another chance. And the only reason I’m talking to you now is because I want you to be absolutely clear about where we stand. That is never ever going to happen.” He breathed slowly through his nose, trying to hold back his temper.

“She left me because of you,” he snarled.

“Me? What the hell did I do?”

“You were the other woman.”

“No, I was a young girl you took advantage of years ago. And I dumped you, remember? So I haven’t been the other woman in years. Don’t try to blame it on me.”

“It doesn’t matter that it was years ago. She found out anyway. And then she took my fucking kids, Marley.”

“That says more about you than it does about me.” He gripped the counter and leveled his face with mine. My heart jumped into my throat again, but I trained myself not to react. He wouldn’t see me cry or flinch or have any kind of emotional response to him at all.

“I was willing to start over. To make things up to you and be the man you wanted me to be.”

“Chris is the only man I need.”

“And that’s a mistake you’ll regret.”

“Is that a threat?”

“You can make of it whatever you want. But we’re not done here.”

He turned and left me standing there behind the counter. I immediately blew out a breath and started shaking. I had to sit down again. He’d never been violent with me. But I knew he had a temper because I saw glimpses of it from time to time. I’d just learned how to placate him. And maybe it was a good thing he was never around very much. Because it never gave us a chance to let things escalate this far. And I’d learned very young that it was easier to keep him happy than argue with him. But now, I’d provoked him farther than I ever had before. And I didn’t know what kind of bear I might have just poked.