‹ Prequel: Let's Waste Time
Sequel: Around Our Heads
Status: Complete

Chasing Cars

Thirty-Two

If you wanted the truth, the reason I said I wasn’t sure about going to look at new apartments with Chris is because I was afraid. I was worried I’d get attached or too excited about it, and I’d get suckered into staying without thinking it through all the way. But a week later, my thoughts had changed drastically. I went to the mall to pick out a gift for my sister’s kid’s birthday. I still hadn’t met him, but I sent him a Christmas present, and no one sent me any angry hate letters. So I figured it might be safe to send him a birthday gift too.

I hung out at the Disney Store a lot longer than necessary. It was my favorite store in the whole mall, if not the entire world. So when I picked out a gift, I still wandered around looking at everything. Then I found the baby clothes and got super distracted by how soft and tiny they all were.

“When are you due?” a woman asked me. She was browsing too.

“September 24th,” I told her.

“Almost there, huh?” I nodded.

“Yeah, we’re getting there.”

“What are you having?”

“I don’t know yet.” She smiled.

“Keeping it a surprise?” I nodded.

“Yeah.”

“That’s always fun.” She turned back to the baby clothes I was admiring. Then she picked up a Monster’s Inc. onesie. “This one is gender neutral. It’s kind of cute.” She handed it over, and I felt my stomach clench up. It was so cute I wanted to squeak.

“Oh my gosh,” I said as if I’d never seen cute baby clothes before.

“Your baby doesn’t look like it’s going to be very big. Maybe you should get the premie size.” She handed that one over instead, and I really did squeak.

“It’s so tiny.”

“Can I touch?”

“Sure.” She reached out to touch my stomach and felt around. But the baby wasn’t moving.

“Not active today, huh?”

“It was this morning. I guess it’s just naptime.”

“I’ve always loved pregnancy. It’s such a beautiful experience.” I smiled.

“Yeah, it’s pretty amazing.”

“You have to get this onesie. I’ll buy it for you.”

“Oh, no no no. It’s okay.”

“No, I can’t accept that answer. I have no one to buy baby clothes for, and I can’t help myself.” She snatched the onesie from me and went to pay for it. I shuffled after her.

“Really, it’s okay. I can pay for it,” I said.

“No, no. I insist.” She paid for it and then handed the bag over to me.

“Thank you so much,” I said.

“It’s not a problem. Just promise me you’ll be a good mommy, and we can call it even.” This was the hard part. I wasn’t sure that my best was good enough.

“I will,” I told her anyway. She patted my stomach one more time, then talked briefly about her adult kids, and then left the store. I got my nephew’s gift paid for and rushed back out to my car.

But while sitting there, I pulled the tiny little onesie out and looked it over. I hadn’t bought anything for the baby yet. Sometimes I wanted to, but most of the time, it still felt unreal. The onesie was so tiny and soft. It made me kind of weepy. So I hugged the tiny shirt to myself and tried to imagine a little mini-Chris wearing it. His mom showed me pictures of him when he was a baby. So I pictured those round rosy cheeks and big blue eyes, and I got even weepier.

“I’m sorry for being so afraid,” I told my baby. I always heard you should talk to them even when they’re in the womb, but I hadn’t done that yet. It felt weird. But when I was sitting there overcome with guilt and hormones, I couldn’t stop myself. “I’ll try to be a good mommy for you. Even if that means I’m not around. But—I want you to know that I love you.” Then I got hysterical because I hadn’t admitted that before.

But I was also really hungry. So when I wiped my eyes, I got out of the car and went back inside to the food court. I sat down to look around the busy mall. There was a Baby’s R Us right in front of me, and no matter what direction I turned, I could still see it. Either from the corner of my eye or reflected off the glass doors. Finally, I gave in.

I walked into the store and went completely still in the entryway. The air conditioner was going, and my nose was working overtime. I could smell all the baby lotions and powders, which made me feel so content and comfortable. I couldn’t explain why, but when I was sitting in the car an hour later, I realized I may have gone a bit overboard. I bought a lot of stuff. A LOT. It was just like when I got those orange curtains and ended up redecorating the whole apartment. It was like an itch that needed to be scratched.

So I excitedly decided to call Chris.

“Hello?” he answered.

“Hey—what are you doing?” I asked him.

“I was about to go look at an apartment.”

“Oh. You didn’t like the last one?”

“It wasn’t very safe for babies. Very modern. Lots of sharp corners.” I melted a bit.

“Well—can I come with you then?” He was silent for a second.

“You want to?”

“Well yeah—sure.”

“Alright. I’ll swing by on my way.”

“I’m at the mall right now, but I’m leaving.”

“You should get there before I do. I still have to take a shower. So I’ll meet you there.”

“Okay, see you soon.”

Chris got there just as I finished shoving all the baby stuff into the closet. I didn’t want him to know about the stuff just yet. I could save it as a surprise. Like a housewarming gift or something. We got into his car, and he drove to the first apartment on his schedule.

I knew I hated it immediately, but I didn’t say anything at first. It was in a nice neighborhood, but it was placed on a steep hill. So I imagined having the baby in the stroller and reenacting that scene from Ghostbusters 2 when the baby carriage went out into the street. Of course, that was because of a ghost, but the hill was still pretty scary. Plus, it didn’t have an elevator, and we’d have to climb up three flights of stairs with a baby carrier and a growing child. I couldn’t imagine trying to navigate a clumsy toddler down them.

When we were let into the apartment, we followed the manager around. She was busy trying to sell Chris on the idea of raising kids in the building. Because apparently, having a park close by made up for the fact that we’d have to get a stroller with really powerful breaks and a lightweight build.

When they left me to explore the bedrooms, I stayed behind in the living room. I stood in the kitchen entryway kicking at the part where the linoleum met the carpet. I poked at it with my shoe and felt it catch on the bottom. Finally, Chris and the manager came back into the living room.

“What do you think?” Chris asked me.

“There are nails in the carpet,” I told him. He looked at my foot as I continued to drag my shoe. The nails were catching on the bottom and making rough scratching noises.

“We’d be sure to have that fixed before you guys moved in,” the manager explained.

“There’s a radiator.” I looked back at the floor, but I could see Chris watching me.

“We have covers for them.”

“Are there alternate heat sources? The windows are huge and seem drafty.”

“Well—our other tenants use those portable ones. They’re very reasonably priced.” I looked up at her.

“Why would that be any better for a baby to touch?” She opened her mouth to find an answer, but I stopped her. “Besides, I really don’t like the stairs. Babies get heavy. I don’t want to carry a heavy car seat up all those stairs. And the brick seems really scratchy. What if my baby falls and scrapes itself all up on the wall? I’m sorry. It’s a great place, and if it was just us or our kids were older, I’d snap it up in a heartbeat. But I just really don’t think it’s a good place for babies and toddlers.”

“Sorry,” Chris told her. “Thank you for your time.” We left and didn’t speak again until we returned to his car. I was putting my seatbelt on when he said, “What was that?”

“What was what?” I asked.

“You got all scary.”

“I didn’t get scary.”

“I think you’re nesting.”

“I’m not nesting.” He laughed and turned the key to start the engine.

“Oh, I think so. You were pretty straightforward. I didn’t even think you wanted to come because technically, it’ll be my apartment, but you came in and ran the show.”

“I just—didn’t like it is all.”

“Did you mean what you said?”

“Yeah, I didn’t like it. I doubt they would have gotten the nails fixed anyway.”

“No, I mean—that you were worried about the baby living there?” I looked out the window at the sidewalk.

“Well—I don’t want it to get hurt.” He reached out and took my hand but didn’t say anything else. I didn’t need to hear what he was thinking anyway. I was pretty sure I knew what it was.