Chasing Cars

Chris stayed home for a few weeks before leaving for an off-season tour. I really hated when he was gone. I thought the baseball thing was just seasonal, but I was wrong. There was baseball on the off-season, too, that required him to fly all the way across the country. The only good thing is that he was home more often in the off-season and only left for a few weeks at a time. Whereas he was practically gone the whole season during baseball season.

But I made sure to get him nice and bruised and sore before letting him go. Not like literally bruised or anything. Like we just had a lot of sex.

But when he was finally gone, there was a hole in my heart that always appeared when he wasn’t around. The apartment got colder. The mess became less noticeable, and it was pretty pathetic how sad I got over things like a single bowl, mug, and spoon in the sink every morning.

I continued to mourn for Ultra Pepe on top of that. I hated not seeing his shiny scales glinting in the light from the window. I hated not being able to greet my friend when I got home from work to an empty apartment. I hated the mornings when I’d find myself halfway across the living room with fish food in my hand before I realized I didn’t have a fish to feed.

When Chris was gone, my new glasses came in the mail. They were kind of like my old glasses, only they were blue on the sides. My orange curtains came shortly after that. I spent an afternoon trying to put them up since Chris was gone and I didn’t have a stool to stand on. I thought they looked super cool, though, and I sent Chris a million pictures. We talked and texted so much it almost felt like he was still there. But it just wasn’t the same as holding him and smelling his clothes and feeling him near me.

When the new curtains were finally up, I decided the rest of our apartment wasn’t very colorful. So I went shopping and got some throw pillows and a bunch of other stuff to bring out the orange in the rest of the living room. I wasn’t usually very stylish or even that interested in shopping due to my ability to spend all my money in one place. But the orange curtains really got under my skin. I was sure Chris wouldn’t mind since the bills were all paid, and it was my fun money. Of course, it meant I couldn’t buy any new movies or games or anything, but I thought the place looked nice.

Chris and I lived together, but we didn’t share a bank account. Even when he was on the road, he still took half of every bill online. In the beginning, he offered to pay more than half since he obviously made more than I did, what with playing pro-ball. But I wanted to keep everything equal and refused the extra help. Not that he hadn’t occasionally snuck an extra twenty in my wallet when I was broke. I pretended it annoyed me, but I would silently thank him when I’d be sitting at Starbucks the next morning.

Even after Chris left, my crappy mood hung around. I found myself angry for no reason. I snapped a lot. And then the next day I’d be too nice and too happy. The Three Stooges found it endlessly amusing, and they had a new nickname for me every day. But then they got tired of it and told me to stop being so damned annoying.

Chris called me every day, and he called when I was up getting ready for work in the morning.

“Hey, babe,” he said as I pressed the phone to my ear. I squeezed it between my ear and my shoulder so I could pull my pants up.

“Hey, you’re up early,” I said. He laughed, but he still sounded tired. He was always exhausted when he was working. His entire day consisted of practice, games, training, planes, car rides. He hardly ever had time to sleep.

“We had an early practice this morning. I just wanted to hear your voice.”

“Aw, you’re so sweet.”

“So, what’s new?”

“Since yesterday? Nothing. Except I think I’m getting fat. My pants are too tight. I think it’s that stupid diet you put me on.”

“I didn’t put you on a diet. I just told you to eat more carbs.”

“I might have gone overboard.”

“Maybe. You did eat an entire container of ice cream in one sitting.”

“It was delicious. I hope you still love me. Even though I eat all the ice cream.”

“Only always.”

“Aw.” He laughed again.

“I’ll let you get ready. I’ll call you later, okay?” he said.

“Kay, I love you,” I replied.

“You too.”

“Bye.”

We disconnected, and I tossed the phone back onto the bed and attempted to button my jeans. It wasn’t that I couldn’t button them exactly. I just had to hold my breath, and they pinched my stomach when I sat down. Thankfully it was kind of chilly out, so I could leave the top one undone and wear a thick hoodie. No one would notice.

When I was a kid, my school had complained to my mom that I was too small. And not just that I wouldn’t put on weight, but I was too small-boned. My mom used the term “willowy.” She’d stuff me full of food, and nothing would happen. She even had me tested for worms. I didn’t have hardly any boobs, and I had very little shape. I used to say I had the body of a ten-year-old, but recently my bras had become too tight, and my pants weren’t buttoning the way they should. My hips were filling out, and I caught a glimpse of my butt in the mirror, and it looked fab. Maybe puberty was finally catching up to me. I’d have to go shopping for cuter clothes asap.

I got my bag and stuff together and then headed off to work. I forgot to eat breakfast, so I had to grab a packaged muffin on the way. But I shoved the muffin into my bag and forgot about that too. The shop was a mess again, so I got distracted by cleaning up the mess. And it was nearing noon when the hunger struck me again. I was just a smidgen hungry, and I told myself that I would eat the muffin on my break. But then I broke out in a cold sweat, got super dizzy, and hit the ground hard.