Chasing Cars

When I woke up, I was looking at the ceiling of the backroom in the shop. I knew this because that's where Al stuck the Jar-Jar Binks poster that no one wanted to look at. But then his and Larry's faces hovered over mine. And then a paramedic looked down at me.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

"I'm okay," I said. She helped me sit up and examined the back of my head again.

"Your friends tell me this has happened before."

"Yeah, once. At the doughnut shop. I forgot to eat breakfast again."

"Do you often feel faint when you don't eat?"

"Sometimes, but it hasn't really happened in a while. I just barely realized I was hungry. Then I passed out."

"How long ago did this happen?"

"I don't know. A few weeks ago."

"And it never happened before then?"

"No, I mean—I got dizzy once in a while. But never passed out."

"Is there a possibility you could be pregnant?" I felt all the air get sucked out of my lungs. Albert and Larry took a step back.

"What? No," I finally replied.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Well—I don't know—I mean…."

"Are you sexually active?"

"Well—yeah—but…."

"Are you on birth control?"

"Not—at the moment…."

"And you and your partner? Opposite reproductive organs?"

"Well—Yeah."

"Then there's a possibility. I'm guessing it's either that or you're hypoglycemic. Either way, you need to see a doctor. I can take you in now, or you can set up an appointment on your own."

"I'll go on my own."

"Alright, you're good to go then. I suggest you get something to eat, don't drive anywhere for a while, relax."

"I will." The paramedics left us alone, and I stayed seated on the floor, trying to figure my life out. Albert put his hand on my shoulder.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"I'm fine," I said.

"Do you want me to get you something to eat?"

"There's a muffin in my bag. I just forgot about it." He got up and went to my locker to get the muffin for me. We didn't have any actual locks on them, so I was used to them digging around my stuff. He handed the muffin over and sat patiently while I nibbled on it. I didn't move from the floor.

"That paramedic was right, wasn't she?" he finally asked. I turned to look at where he was sitting on the lumpy couch, leaning on his knees to look down at me.

"I don't really know," I admitted.

"You know we all kind of—guessed—that might be the problem."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean—we all put it on our list of possibilities. High on the list too."

"Why?" He looked down toward my stomach. I followed his gaze. Even with the hoodie on, I could see that my stomach was sticking out over my pants. "I thought I was just getting fat."

"That's what we all thought at first, too. But you act differently." I felt my eyes well up with tears, and I took a deep breath.

"It's so obvious now. I was lying to myself," I said.

"How so?" he asked.

"I haven't had my period in like—months. I mean—it's always late, but it's never been THIS late. And I just kept saying it was PMS. I kept telling myself I was emotional because I would start soon. But it never came. It's not PMS. It's hormones. And I have to pee all the damn time. And I'm always hungry. And I keep getting queasy for no reason. I haven't thrown up or anything, but I feel like shit a lot. And—fuck…." I wiped away a tear.

"What?"

"I felt it move." His eyebrows rose.

"It's moved already?" I sniffed and nodded.

"Yeah, I thought it was just—twitching or like gas or something. I'm so stupid. I should have known I wasn't just getting fat. My boobs are swollen. How could I not fucking know?" I put my face in my hands and sobbed. He got down on the floor next to me and patted my back.

"You don't want to have a baby?" he asked me. I sobbed harder and shook my head.

"No," I whined. "I never wanted a baby. I'm the daughter of a rapist. What the hell makes you think I'd ever want to pass on that gene? Oh my god. And what about Chris? What am I going to tell him? What am I going to do? I'm so stupid. I should have been more careful." He let me cry it out for a minute before Larry put a hand on my other shoulder.

"I'll give you a ride home," he said. I just nodded. I didn't want to stay there at the shop. I wanted to go home and cry. So they both helped me to my feet.

"Please don't tell anyone?" I asked them.

"Not a word."

Albert handed my bag over and stayed behind to watch the store while Larry drove me home. When I got back to the apartment, I went right to my bed to lie down. I cried until I fell asleep, and when I woke up, I pulled myself out of bed and found my bag again. I took a short walk down the street to the closest convenience store. I picked up a cheap pregnancy test and took it home.

I debated not taking it for a while, but I figured I would have to do it sooner or later. I already knew the answer before I saw it. So I wasn't entirely surprised when the test came back positive. But since I knew for sure now, the weight of that answer crashed down on me again. I crawled back into my bed and didn't get up again.