Cool for the Summer

The problem with trying to maintain a friends-with-benefits (without the real benefits) was that it was almost impossible to enjoy it without the constant worry of Alex catching us. Almost always, he was on the back of my mind. When Jack’s hands were on my waist, when his hands dipped lower to rest on my hips, when his hands were tangled in my hair, I had 2 things on my mind: that Jack was an extraordinary kisser, and that Alex could walk in at any moment and catch us.
It became so much of a problem that all I really wanted from Jack was his presence. Which was sad – because watching movies wasn’t as fun as pretending to watch movies to make out.
It made me feel bad on some level – Jack had literally seen me grow up. He’d been at my middle school plays. He’d teased me when I was in elementary school, given me advice as I headed into 7th grade. To suddenly go from friends to… lovers, was odd. Something I wasn’t quite used to.
‘Hey, sis.’ Alex threw himself onto the couch next to me. ‘What’re you doing?’
‘Nothing.’ I replied, turning to him. ‘What’s up?’
‘Nothing. Bored. Jack’s playing guitar and Rian and Zack are sleeping.’
‘What do you want to do?’ I tossed my headphones to the side. ‘I’m down for anything.’
‘We can go exploring.’
I threw my head back. ‘Let me get my stuff.’

30 minutes later we were in Florida heat. I wore a little shirt and a pair of shorts, letting the sun kiss my bare skin. I bought a pair of sandals from a street stall and thanked my purse for having enough money.
We walked along the sidewalk, peering into buildings and stores until we eventually found a music store.
When people ask me if I’m musical, I roll my eyes and tell them Alex got the musical genius from our dad. I tell them I inherited the actual genius – but it’s a lie. I can play the piano, the violin and the flute. My parents were incredibly upper class and encouraged us to be as well rounded as possible. My problem was that I just wasn’t interested in music like Alex was.
I saw his face light up as he headed towards the nearest acoustic guitar.
‘Bells, there’s a violin over there.’
I turned my head to see a small violin on the store window.
‘I haven’t played in like 4 years.’ I rolled my eyes. ‘C’mon, Al.’
He strummed a few notes. The owner of the store came out from the back and smiled in approval.
‘My sister wants to play the violin but she’s too scared to pick it up from the shelf.’ Alex explained, not looking up from the guitar.
‘I don’t!’ I argued hotly, my face growing red as the owner came to get it for me.
‘We encourage all potential buyers to play the instruments before they buy. A good violin can be your best friend.’ The owner explained, standing next to me and reaching to grab the violin.
‘Exactly.’ Alex nodded in approval. ‘Play it, idiot.’
I had no choice but to grab the violin from the storeowner, my face as red as a tomato. I placed it in the crook of my neck, trying to feel for the comfortable place I remembered. As soon as I found it, it felt natural to place bow to violin and play.
‘You’re a natural.’ Alex grinned at me, dropping his hand from the guitar. ‘You should join All Time Low.’
‘Yeah, right.’ I scoffed, embarrassed. I placed the violin back. ‘Can we leave please?’
‘She’s embarrassed.’ Alex told the owner, grinning. ‘That she’s talented. What, Bells? Being smart and musical too much? Weren’t you the captain of the girls hockey team too?’
‘Alex!’ I gasped. ‘Lets. Go.’
He grinned wider, following me out of the store. ‘It’s so funny to see you wound up.’
‘I. Hate. You.’ I growled. I knew I had too much talent squeezed into a small girl, and that bothered me. It linked back to Henry – if I was perfect enough to be able to play musical instruments, get straight As, to be the captain of the girls hockey team… Why was I not enough for him? Thinking of Henry made me think of Jack, and I immediately blushed.
‘What?’ Alex asked, noticing my immediate shade of red. ‘Why are you blushing?’
‘No reason, idiot.’ I looked at him and tried to force my face to discolour. ‘Stop looking at me.’
‘Are you thinking about a boy?’ Alex grinned at me. ‘Are you in love, lil Bells?’
I quickly pondered the thought. If he knew there was someone in my life, he’d never suspect Jack. I quickly nodded. ‘Don’t make a big deal of it though. It’s more of a…. Not a real relationship thing.’
‘Don’t tell me you’re trying to have a friends with benefits situation with a guy from Baltimore.’ Alex groaned. ‘I don’t want to hear about you and a guy… Getting it on…’
‘Well good, because I’m not.’ I retorted.
Alex laughed. ‘Okay, well. You’re a baby.’
‘And you’re an idiot.’
He pretended to be stung by my words and then wrapped an arm around my shoulders happily. ‘Tell me about this guy.’
‘He’s funny. And happy.’ I shrugged and couldn’t help but smile. ‘He’s really cool.’
‘I’m glad you’ve moved on from Henry.’
‘I wouldn’t say that.’ I paused. ‘I miss Henry so much… But it’s nice to forget him every once in a while.’
‘I know what you mean.’ Alex said thoughtfully. ‘You know, it’s been really cool having you on tour. I thought it’d fucking suck having my baby sister trail after me on a tourbus, but it’s not too bad. It’s fun.’
‘It’s been a really fun time.’ I agreed.
We walked in happy chatter for about 20 minutes before eventually stopping outside a tattoo and piercing parlour.
Alex peeked inside. ‘You want a tattoo, Bells?’
‘What, like mom wouldn’t kill me?’
‘I might get one.’ Alex said thoughtfully. ‘You don’t mind, do you?’
I shook my head.
‘Hey, you could get a piercing! It’d be cute!’
My eyes opened a little wider. ‘Mom would kill me.’
‘It’s a piercing, not a tattoo. C’mon!’ He grinned. ‘Let’s be spontaneous and reckless. I’ll get the guys to come too if it makes you feel better.’
‘No.’ I paused. ‘Let’s do this. A brother and sister thing.’
He grinned at me. ‘You’re the best, Bella!’
He was still grinning when he handed over his card to the owner of the tattoo parlour. Alex was spontaneous and full of life – he never did anything planned. He was very much a live-in-the-moment kind of guy, which was something I’d always liked about him.
Standing in a clean, sunny tattoo parlour was not something I liked.
‘Which piercing do you want?’ Alex asked, his attention turning to me.
I already had my ears pierced 3 times up both ears, so I had no desire to get another. I touched my tragus delicately. ‘Tragus. On the right.’
The owner wrote something down on a form. ‘You’ll need to sign these consent forms. And we need ID.’
We pulled our drivers licenses out of our pockets, Alex signed my consent form on my behalf and we both sat excitedly in squishy chairs by the window, clutching the forms and bouncing our knees.
‘What kind of tattoo are you getting?’
Alex looked at me. ‘It’s a surprise.’
My eyes widened slightly, but all was forgotten when my name was called out.
Alex stood up with me as though offering moral support. I wanted to wave him off at first, but relented because… If I was honest, I was really shitting it.

‘That was a long afternoon.’ Alex yawned, stretching his arms. He winced slightly.
‘Don’t pull at the skin of your tattoo.’ I scowled at him.
‘I’ve had a tattoo before, Bells.’ He rolled his eyes at me.
‘I know but you’re dumb.’
‘Let’s see your piercing.’ He grinned at me. I obediently tucked my hair behind my sore ear. ‘You look bad-ass, Bella.’
‘I feel badass. And like mom’s going to kill me.’
‘I want to buy you a little denim jacket so you’re dressed as cool as you feel.’
‘Please, no.’ I elbowed him gently. ‘I wonder what the guys will think.’
‘They’ll be fine.’ He waved his hand and winced. ‘Okay, let’s go.’
They were eating lunch in another part of the city, but we found the guys easily with a little help of a map.
‘Hey, guys.’ Zack held up his hand for a high 5. I smacked my palm to his happily and automatically sat next to Jack. He smiled at me, and held his own hand for a high 5. I smiled, the softest smile that only he could understand, and smacked my palm against his.
‘Hey.’ Alex collapsed into his chair. ‘Guess what we did.’
‘What?’
‘Tattoos.’ Alex grinned. ‘Well, Bells got a piercing.’
‘A piercing?’ Rian asked, turning to me. ‘What’d you get, mini Gaskarth?’
I tucked my hair behind my ear and smiled shyly. I felt Jack move beside me to get a better look. My cheeks started to flush.
‘It’s so cute!’ Jack exclaimed. My cheeks turned a deeper shade of red. ‘Gaskarth, your sister is so cute!’
‘She is, isn’t she?’ Alex grinned proudly.
I felt Jack’s cool fingers touch my sore ear and I slapped his hand away. ‘Don’t touch it, dummy!’
He grinned at me, making my stomach do its own turn of somersaults.
I was going to kiss him. I knew it. I could feel it happening.
He must’ve felt it too because he abruptly pulled away from his face in my face and sat down, a goofy grin still beaming at all of us.
‘I wish you’d told us.’ Rian pouted. ‘We could’ve gotten them together.’
‘It was sibling bonding, right?’ Zack intercepted. ‘I think it’s cool.’
We sat in good vibes for a few moments until Jack sprinkled sugar over the table. ‘This is getting too soppy. What do you guys wanna do?’
‘Get lunch?’ I asked, scrunching my eyes up. ‘I want food.’
‘I’m not really that hungry.’ Alex shook his head. ‘We’ll eat later.’
‘Actually,’ Jack piped up. ‘I could do with another burrito. If you guys want, you can go exploring and Bells and I can eat.’
‘Or you could just eat and walk…’ Zack rolled his eyes. ‘Wait, how are you still hungry?’
‘Walking and eating is dangerous.’ He scolded and stood up. ‘And I have the stomach of a mammoth.’ He added.
We waited inside the store before the others had cleared off before we immediately threw our arms around each other. Our lips couldn’t meet soon enough.
It was so risky and eventually someone would catch on that we were spending way too much time together. But as we kissed in pure happiness, I didn’t even care.
We sprung apart almost as quickly as we’d come together at the realisation that any of the guys could walk into the diner at any time. We ordered and sat outside, Jack’s sunglasses on my head. He held my hand under the table, reassuringly stroking my thumb. I could’ve died at that moment, from how perfect and simple the moment was.
For a second, I felt like a girlfriend with her boyfriend, sitting outside and enjoying a burrito on vacation. The thought was quickly replaced by the knowledge that Jack and I would eventually find other partners – that this was a temporary arrangement to make both of us feel less lonely. Suddenly my hand felt restrained in his and I carefully took it out.
‘What’s up?’ He asked. ‘C’mon, Bella. I’ve known you for like…. 8 years. Something’s wrong.’
‘Nothing’s wrong.’ I mumbled. ‘We should probably go.’
He looked at me for a second. ‘Nah. We’re not doing this.’ I looked up and he cleared his throat. ‘I did the complacent stuff with Taylor. But we’re about being honest and transparent. We’re friends, Bella. What’s wrong?’
‘Does it ever make you feel weird knowing… This could end any second?’ I looked up. ‘I mean, like… If Henry called me and asked me to be his girlfriend, then this would be over. Me and you. It’s weird. Am I allowed to see other people? What are we even doing?’
He looked at me for another second. My heart was beating a little faster than usual and I just wanted him to speak.
He eventually did. ‘I… I don’t know. I just know I like hanging out with you.’ He paused. ‘I don’t… I don’t know if I want to make this official, Bella. I like being with you, I like kissing you. It feels natural, you know? But being your boyfriend? That’s something I’d have to get used to.’
‘I’m not asking you to be my boyfriend.’ I argued hotly. ‘I’m just… Confused. I want to do this too, but it makes me sad to think it’ll eventually end. I feel like we’re using each other and someone will end up hurt.’
He looked at me. ‘Would you be hurt if I started seeing someone else?’
I blushed and tried not to look at him. ‘Yes.’
He sat back and didn’t speak. I wanted to peak a glance at him, but I didn’t dare.
‘I don’t really know what to say.’ He admitted. ‘I… I know that right now, I’m exclusive to you. I don’t want to make out with anyone else. But if there is someone else I think I might want to be with, I’ll tell you. And I’ll tell you so far in advance that we can end this and move on.’ He paused. ‘That doesn’t really help. I can reassure you though, Bella, that ever since we started… This thing… That I don’t think I’ll want someone else for a really long time.’