Secrets and Temptations

I woke to the sound of my alarm and pressed the snooze button. I know it won't do much good to have wasted the energy since I most likely won't be going back to sleep but I didn't care; I just wanted to close my eyes and block out the world for a while, but my alarm had other plans for me.

I survived another night… I wonder if that's good or bad. I pondered as I swung my feet over the edge of my twin bed. I felt my limbs crack and pop with each movement I made. I tilted my head to crack my neck, but as I felt it pop in multiple places, a glint of light caught my interest.

The light was the sun coming in from my window and bouncing off the razor blade I must have left on the table next to my bed. My hands instinctively covered my wrists as I felt the shame washing over me. I had told myself that I was getting better- that I didn't need to have the blades anymore because I was finally okay- but it was obviously a boldfaced lie. I'm always throwing the razors in the trash and I'll do fine for a while… but I always manage to get my hands on them again. I've probably tossed out at least fifty so far.

“Sweetie, are you up? You need to get ready.” My mother's voice called out from the other side of my door.

“I'm up.” I answered while opening the table's drawer and swiping the metal inside. I heard her walk away and sighed.

Get up. Get moving. Another day to long for death. Another day to deal with the judgmental assholes called parents. Another day to work until I collapse. Another day of pure hell in this heat. I can do this. I have to do this. I must keep going forward, I can never go back. No, I can never go back… move forward. Keep moving, even when you can’t move anymore. KEEP MOVING SIN! I screamed to myself as I walked to the bathroom across the hall.

“No, why do you have to move?” My friend Bealfire asked as we restocked the salad case at work.

“Because, my mom doesn't want me leaving her and I don't have money to live by myself.” I growled as I slammed the 'summer garden' salad row back into place. “I don't want to go.”

“I don't want you to go! I'll have to go back to doing the melon bar.” He grimaced and I laughed.

“Well good! If that's the only reason why you want me here I should just move.” I jested and he laughed.

“It will be lonely without you here.” I blushed at his comment before flipping him the bird and calling him a softie.

I fought back the urge to throw something as the memory of me saying bye to one of my coworkers surfaced. I really loved working in the produce section of Price Chopper. We had a lot of fun nearly every day and being in a department with seven other people- most of them guys too- made things easier. It didn't even feel like going to work was a chore that I had to get done; it was fun and something I always looked forward to. I guess the only good thing about the move is that I still keep in touch with them, but it's not the same.

“You need to hurry! You have a job interview today!” My mother's shrill voice called out; causing a groan to escape my lips before rinsing off my body and washing out my hair.
 
“I’m almost done!” I called back as I turned off the tap. “I wouldn’t need a job interview if we had stayed in New York.” I whispered so low that I’m guessing even a dog wouldn’t have heard me.
 
I originally lived in a small town in New York, but my step-father and mother both found better jobs on the other side of the damn country and now it was up to me to find another job also. Joy. I was working at a… okay supermarket for years while going to school, but when they told me we were moving I had already graduated from my two year college and had nothing other than my one friend to keep me there. I did attempt to argue that I got accepted into a housing school so they could move and leave me behind, but they said no. Something about not trusting people with their daughter, but in reality, they don’t know the shit I’ve been through.
 
A longing sigh escaped my lips as I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My dark eyes dulled without my makeup. My face had a pink tint to it due to the hot water, if I wait a few more minutes it’ll go back to being pale again. I’m naturally pale and I never tan, I just turn lobster red, pink, and then pale again; it sucks sometimes.
 
'Sin, get up.' 'Sin, we’re moving to California so start packing.’ ‘Sin, find a job even though we aren’t even in the state yet.’ ‘Sin, Sin, Sin!’ I swear to all that is unholy they have it so that my name is the first thing that comes out of their mouth when they have something that they want done. It’s so fucking infuriating. I didn’t even want to leave New York for this place. I thought as I brushed my teeth. Imagine the winters. The beautiful white scenery, the cool- sometimes frigid- air brushing against my skin, my features being lost in the snow storms, and did I mention the beautiful image of the land freshly covered in pure white snow? The most beautiful- and deadly- part of New York.
 
“Sin,” I heard my step-father’s voice on the other side of the door. “I know you don’t want to be here, but I’m glad you came with us… and I know you’ll kick ass at the interview.” A defeated tone escaped his lips and I ignored his comment. I heard his footsteps carry him away from the bathroom door and shook my head before putting on my eyeliner. I know that I probably seem cold to my him, but I have my reasons… part of it being that he’s not my real father.
 
My parents divorced when I was twelve, but even then I wasn’t really upset about it. The divorce was bitter (at least if you ask me it was, if you ask my mom she’ll say it wasn’t) and to be honest, I don’t think their marriage was any better. My father was barely there and when he was they were always arguing about stupid shit. I’m convinced that all the yelling and screaming I heard when I was younger is the reason why I hate loud noises. I also have this complex with being called a whore because I’ve had to hear both my parents calling me a whore as I was growing up. I have so many issues thanks to those two, so their divorce kind of seemed like a pleasant thing to me… well after it was finalized and they lived in separate houses.
 
My mom met Jack when I was in my second year of college and it was over. She was in love and made it so that her life concerned him more than me. At first I thought he was a good guy, definitely better than her last boyfriend that made me feel like he was going to rape me, but this guy proved no better after the wedding. They hadn’t even been dating long and he’s already married to my mother. It’s fucking annoying because my whole life she was the strong independent woman who would move mountains if they were in her way, but one guy shows up and  puts a ring on her finger and she becomes like a broken bird who doesn’t realize she can fly anymore. Spending a lifetime with this woman has shaped me into who I am, and I can fully say I will not let anyone break me.
 
“I’m done.” I say as I maneuver around my mom while clutching onto the towel around my body and walking out of the bathroom.
 
“It’s not just us anymore Sin, there’s Jack too… and on occasion Dan.” She sighed and I gave her a defiant stare. I wasn’t a fan of Jack or his son Dan.
 
“So?” I questioned and she got angry.
 
“So, take your clothes into the bathroom and change in there.” She huffed and I rolled my eyes. She knows I will only bring my clothes into the bathroom when Dan is here… though she never understood why.
 
“I’ve gone my whole life walking out of the bathroom in a towel and not being bothered by anyone; that’s not going to stop just because you made the decision to marry some guy.” I said as I stormed off to my room at the end of the hall.
 
“He’s not some guy, he’s your dad now so tr-“
 
“He’s not my dad. He’s some guy you married and this is some town you moved me to. I’m not happy here and I’m not happy with this life. I miss New York. I miss my friends. I miss my job. And I fucking miss the snow! I have nothing here and I could have had everything back home if you just let me go.” I sneered before entering my room and slamming the door. The sound echoed in my room.
 
My walls remain white and the floor is littered with boxes of clothes and books. I don’t have much furniture; just a desk, a chair, a dresser, and a DVD rack. The room has a bay window bed built into it (hence why I took it) with a bookcase built around it (the part of the deal that made me put my foot down about this being my room). I have a basket for my dirty clothes and everything I’ll be wearing is already on the desk. I don’t want to unpack anything yet because I still have to paint my room after my interview today.
 
I managed to get an interview for a local music and book store after running around the town and putting in applications for three days straight. The owner apparently saw me all those days and decided that I deserve an interview. It was surprising, but it works.

Will I even get the job? Every other place I went to beforehand said that they weren’t hiring, but when others asked the reply was yes. Maybe it’s a closed community where everyone knows everyone and they shun the ones they don’t know… I thought as I dropped the towel from my blonde and blue hair and my pale body. I moved closer to the full length mirror on my door and examined my exposed body.
 
My skin is almost translucent and I’m really worried about the amount of sunscreen I’ll need to go through while living in this place. I take the sunscreen bottle into my hands and squeeze enough out to cover my face and arms. After I massaged the lotion into my skin, I walk over to my bed and pick up my underwear and slide them on before putting on my stockings and bra. I put on my black shorts and changed my dream catcher belly ring for a music note one before putting on my black shirt. I pulled on a pair of black fingerless gloves to cover the red tinted lines on my wrists.
 
“Sin, are you almost done?” Jack asked as he knocked on my door. “Your mom already left for work.” I felt my heart race at his words. I didn’t like being left alone with Jack or any member of his family.
 
Hurry. Don’t take your time, don’t try going all out on the way you look. The voice in my head warned as I started stuffing my wallet, keys, and cigarette case into my pockets.

“I’ll be out in a few.” I called as I quickly ruffled my hair and grabbed my resume.
 
“Sin, I think we need to talk about your behavior recently.” The tone in his voice caused my heart to speed up and the adrenaline to work into overtime. The last time we had a talk was when I found out we were moving and I refused to talk to anyone because I was a hundred percent against it. The bruises didn’t fade for a month…
 
“I’d love to Jack, but I gotta go.” I breathed with a smile as I opened the door and ran past him. “I can’t be late!” I called while running down the stairs and out the door to my truck.
 

 
“You were spread out through the store.” Mr. Green laughed as he read over my resume. “And by request?” I gave a shy smile at that.
 
“I was born forever curious. If I want to learn something, or if something interests me, I won’t rest until I know more about it.” I blushed as I ducked my head. “May I be frank?” I asked and he nodded as he set the paper down and looked at me. “I didn’t want to move here, I was perfectly fine in New York with my cold days and annoying store and my very little friends… but having you come to me about an interview alone, and then stepping into your store… I think that even if you don’t hire me, I’d spend my time here anyway. So far, your store and the comfortable atmosphere it has is my favorite part about leaving New York.” I said honestly.
 
“Well, if you’re going to spend your time in the store, then maybe you should get paid for it.” He smiled and I grinned like the Cheshire cat. “Can you start Monday?”
 
“Yes! Oh my god, yes. Thank you so much.” I shrieked and he laughed.
 
“I do have one question though.” He said and I gave him a nod. “Is your birth name really 'Sin?'”
 
“Yes.” I stated and he nodded.
 
“I’ll order you a name badge then, Sin. I’m sure I’ll see you here before hand, but I’ll see you on Monday.” He stated as we got up and we shook hands.
 
“Yes, and thank you so much.” I said as I retreated to the door. Out of habit, I gave a slight bow and ran out onto the sales floor.

Since I had so much free time, I decided to take a look around the store again (and possibly buy a new book or CD). It really was such a big store on the inside. It's almost as big as a Barnes