Never Lost

Chapter One

Even though it has been a long time, my bitterness still hasn’t eased. Our mother died, like many others, on the Lights Out Tragedy ten years ago. It is obvious Reece feels differently. Her blue eyes water at the sight of our mother’s grave. She squeezes my hand as she lays the gardenias against the tombstone. There are a few daisies next to them, ones that could have only come from one other person.

I crouch down and take a drag on my cigarette. I hate the blasted thing, but since Reece demanded I be sober for this event, I needed something to hold me over. “Oma has been here,” I say with on an exhale of smoke.

“Grandma, you mean,” Reece corrects with a watery chuckle. She rubs her eyes and bends down to light a stick of incense. “I swear, you’re more German than American.”

I smirk up at her and speak in my native tongue. “You know German, so it’s not like I’m speaking a language you don’t understand.” I finish my cigarette and get the itch to start another one. “Besides, I was there for four years. You kinda pick up the lingo and whatnot.”

My sister rolls her eyes and sniffs the daisies. They would look beautiful in Mom’s hair, like a halo. She loved plants, maybe even more than her own children. “Well, Mom, as you can tell, Elle thinks she’s a German wiz. She’s even thinking of going to school for German Studies.”

I throw some grass at the pain in the ass. “College, me? I think not.”

Reece puts her hands on her hips. “Why not? You’re smart enough and could put your skills to good use. You don’t really do much else.”

I cock a brow at her and light up another cigarette just to annoy her. She wrinkles her nose. “Big sister, you gotta accept that you love tinkering with plants and all that mumbo jumbo science. Saving the world with one medicine at a time. Well, I’m more of a live-like-it’s-your-last-day kinda girl.” I glance down at my watch. “We about done here?”

Reece ignores me. “Nothing new with me, Mom. Except I’m getting promoted tomorrow to Director!”

Oh, joy. Working at Chrome Pharmaceuticals sounds about as fun as spreading fresh fertilizer. Working with Joshua Chrome, make that ten times worse.

“Still single,” Reece goes on. She gives me a snarky look. “Elle won’t get off my back about that.”

I snort and take a puff of nicotine. “Well, you’re still a twenty-eight year-old virgin, and you claim you have no sexual desire. I call bullshit.” Reece punches me in the arm and I stumble back with a laugh. “I hit a nerve!”

“You wanna go down that road? Okay, how about that old picture of Josh you have, huh?”

The smile on my face slides away; it’s my turn to hit Reece, but she rolls away. I put out the cigarette with my shoe and dart after her. She squeals and darts around Mom’s tombstone, but I tackle her down. I hold her face in place and drag my tongue across her cheek. “Ohmigod, stop! Get off, get off!”

After quick wrestle, we flop onto our backs on the dewy lawn. We stare up at the dark clouds coming in. “Florida rainy season. Gotta love it,” I say with a sigh. I can already feel the bubbling panic coming. Fucking thunderstorms.

Reece’s hand finds mine and gives an encouraging squeeze. She helps me up and faces the grave. A ladybug lands on the tombstone, her favorite insect. Reece coos and whips out her phone to take a picture of it.

If she weren’t here, I’d squash the little thing.

“I gotta go,” I mumble, my eyes darting back to the clouds rolling in. Reece looks at them and nods. We make it to her car just as the first set of raindrops fall on us. She revs her BMW and takes off. “One day, you’ll learn to go the speed limit.”

She grins at me. “You drive like you own the road, and you complain about my driving?” I give her my ringed middle finger and shove it right in her face. She laughs as she shoves it away.

Reece gets me to my apartment. She pulls close to the building and I prepare to make a dash. “Oh, so we’re still on for Girl’s Night?”

At the sudden curse, I knew she forgot. “I thought I told you about the important dinner I have to be at tonight. I’ll be with the Board Members and…” Her words fade away as my head pounds. I suddenly am the same five year old girl, begging my mom to take me swimming.

“Sweetheart, Mommy is very busy right now. I’ll take your this weekend, okay? Promise!”
And then she would say the same thing that very weekend.

I paste a big smile on my face and wave Reece off. “No, no, I get it. You’re being promoted and you really need to do this. Raincheck, then?”

Reece smiles sadly and takes my hand. I stop myself from shudder and glaring at her hand. “You know I’ll make it up to you, Elle. It’s just I have a lot to do right now with the promotion and all. Grandma is retiring and I have to catch up with everything.”

I bob my head even though my brain has already checked out. I hold onto the doorhandle and slowly inch it. “Just give me a call,” I tell her and quickly dart out to get to my building. A giant boom makes me yelp and I sprint inside. I pant and tremble as I take the stairs up to my apartment on the second floor. Once inside, I slump against the closed door and wait for the tremors to go away. “I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.”

Once I can hold my hands out in without shaking, I head to the kitchen and pull out my leftovers from last night. With a beer in hand and cold pizza, my mind goes blank and the crazy emotions die down. I watch Orange is the New Black, something that just calms me.

Hours go by and by then, I have downed a bottle of Kinky Liqueur, the blue one. Like Goldilocks, for me straight liquor is too much. A beer is too little. Fruit drinks are just right. I can function and a sly smile stays on my face as I get ready to head out. The rain has stopped, thank God.

Reece texts me that her meeting went great, but I ignore the text as my plan goes into effect. I slink on a tight shirt and shorts that hug my hips. I call a cab to take me to the bar on the other side of town. Focus. Focus on the task at hand. I take one last shot for courage and head out to the cab when he honks the horn.

We arrive at Doyle’s Bar after taking the long route. “Jerk,” I say as I throw a twenty at the driver and get out. For a Friday night, the place is pretty packed. The music sends a wave of pleasure through my body and I sway like a charmed snake. At the bar, I wave over the bartender, who grins at me. Tyrell kisses my cheek and I make a loud smacking sound with a buzz in my veins.
“Same ‘ole?” he asks with a Southern drawl.

I slam my hand onto the counter. “Damn skippy! How have you come to know me so well?”
He laughs as he pours me a Piña colada and I slowly sip at it. I see two men at one of the tables eyeing me. One winks and I smirk. I finish my drink and head onto the floor. The loud bass pounds with my heart, steady and sure. The alcohol in my system makes me hot, but I relish in it. A sweat droplet goes down my stomach.

When two pairs of hands begin touching me, I open my eyes to see the two men, one Hispanic and the other white. “You two look pretty cute,” I smile. On the Hispanic’s hand is a star tattoo. Check. The other guy has a scar on the side of his neck. Check again.

The Hispanic, Pablo, grins and leans down into my ear. “With you, we make a sexy sandwich.”
The line makes me giggle while I grind against his buddy. If I recall, his name should be Dillon. Their hands touch me in places that can only be touched while I’m drunk. Sober, the emotions are too much and I cannot stand it. Only one pair of hands can touch me sober, and they’re not here. They would never touch me again.

I find myself in a dark corner outside the bar, my shorts being unbuttoned. “Dude, she’s’ totally wasted,” Dillon laughs, his mouth against my neck. His hands go up my shirt.

“She want it, trust me,” Pablo says. I let them think they have me, but as soon as they touch my center, I throw my head back into Dillon’s noise and knee Pablo right in the balls. They crumble to the ground and when Dillon comes after me, I use his momentum to whirl him around and slam into the brick wall. I dig into their pockets, taking any cash they have. The adrenaline pumps in my veins and I can’t stop grinning; it hurts my face.

I run before they can come to their sense. The air whips my damp hair back, taking the sweat with it. I woot as I jump over a guy bending down to tie his shoes. Out of all the things I do, I live for this, the rush. For once in my miserable life, I feel triumph, alive.

My calves throb as I come to the old woman that always stands by the beach. I wave my arm wildly and she chuckles as I come up to her. I bend over to catch my breath and hold up a finger. “Gin… Lemme tell ya…! Those guys fell for it!” I tilt my head back and let out a laugh. I hold out my arm and Gin takes it for support. Her clothes aren’t brand new, but you can tell we got them at a thrift store. She refuses to let me buy her anything elsewhere. She smells like she’s been at the beach all day. I catch a hint of whiskey, her preference.

“You didn’t have to do that, Ms. Elle,” she sighs, but she’s smiles.

I look down at her with a furrowed brow. She’s slightly fuzzy. “Those assholes jumped you the other day. I should have stomped their balls to dust for what they did.” We ride the late bus until the end of its route, catching up. She bitcthes about how young people these days know no respect, except me. When I start her on politics, it’s a riot. The bus driver, Lamar, even laughs, since we’re the only ones on here. This is our weekly ritual on Fridays.

On the last round, we hop off at a McDonalds near Gin’s motel. I order our usual and we sit in a booth. Just as I go to reach for a French fry, Gin slaps my hand. I pout as I rub the spot. “Wash those hands first, young lady.”

I roll my eyes but smile. I clean up and then Gin does the same. “May I eat now?” I ask politely. She gives me a look. Sometimes I like to push her buttons.

“Smartass,” she mumbles and we dig in. The grease of the double cheeseburger makes me moan.
“This is better than an orgasm,” I say after swallowing. I learned real quick that talking with your mouth full was a big pet peeve of Gin’s.

She nods in agreement. “I say eating is a special type of orgasm. For out taste buds.” She looks up at me. “Are you okay? Did those scumbags hurt you, Ms. Elle?”

“I’m fine,” I answer with a wave. I count the money under the table and hand Gin the two hundred and thirty dollars. “I know it’s not much for justice, but they’ll wake up sore in the morning.”
Gin pats my hand and pockets the money. “Thank you, dear. You are my precious angel.”

I look down with heated cheeks. “I’m not all that, now.”

She laughs and eats with vigor. Once she swallows, she says, “You may not see it, Ms. Elle, but you have a big heart. Helping a bum like me when most people just walk on by, thinking that if they don’t make eye contact, I don’t exist. You see me.”

She’s right. Seeing people walk by the homeless as if they aren’t there makes me livid. They aren’t something to be ignored. Sure, some are just addicts or scum of the earth, but you can’t know that until you talk to them.

While walking home from a drunken fight, Gin helped me get home when I nearly collapsed. She could have robbed me blind, but instead, she made sure I got home and into bed. She even tucked me in after making sure I drank some water and Advil. Since then, she’s been my buddy. I always make sure she has something to eat, even when her pride keeps her from asking.

For the past three years, this woman has been more of a mother to me than my own.
“How’s that sister of yours?” Gin asks. She not even half way done with her food, while I’ve finished mine. When I go to reach for a fry on her plate, she slaps my hand. I could tease this woman all day.
“She’s getting promoted,” I answer with a shrug. “Today’s the tenth anniversary of our mother’s death.”

Gin, just like anytime I mention my dead mother, gets that sympathetic look on her weathered face. “Oh, sweetheart. Ten years already?”

I nod, not saying as word as I sip down my water.

She purses her mouth to the side. “You know I’m here when you’re ready to talk about that old can of worms.”

I meet her slanted grey eyes with a small smile. Her dark grey hair is thinning, but she still looks younger than her seventy years. I teased her about how the Japanese can live so long, and she said it was because they had a secret. One she still hasn’t told me.

I walk Gin to the motel she’s been staying at. She refuses to stay anywhere better, since I pay it by the month. “You can always come live with me,” I had offered a million times.

“Ms. Elle, while I appreciate the offer, I can’t accept. I got myself into this mess with my problems. I must get myself out,” she always replied.

Gin unlocks the door and pats my cheek. “Thank you, dear. For everything.” I hug her and inhale her scent. It feels like home to me.

“I’ll see you in a few days, then?” I ask. She nods and watches me walk away. I round a corner and pull out my phone. Since the buses are done for the night, I have to call a cab.

Or…not.

My pride wars with my emotions. I’m still thoroughly drunk, but not to the point where I can’t walk. Still, I take a deep breath as I dial Pivet. He may be asleep with Oma, but he always comes to help. He’s like an uncle to me, but if things keep going the way they are now, he’ll become my new step-grandfather.

After a few rings, I get an answer. “Joshua Chrome.”

No matter how hard I try, I can’t stop my heart from galloping in my chest. Why the hell is Josh answering Pivet’s phone? I open my mouth to say something, anything, but nothing comes out.

Something ruffles. “Elle? Is that you?”

Fuck. I hang up and toss my phone beside me. It vibrates loudly, but I don’t pick up. After five minutes, a text dings. I can handle reading that, at least. My hands shake as I see the words: coming to get you. stay there.

If I know Josh, I wouldn’t be surprised that he used his special technology to track my phone. It’s Chrome property, which makes it easier.

I extend my legs and pick at the old scars on my thighs. The humidity makes my thick curls become two frizz balls in my short pigtails. I try to make myself look presentable, but then I just throw my arms with a “Fuck it.” There some perks of being half black, but the frizzy hair is not one of them.
Soon, a dark blue SUV pulls into the lot. The window rolls down and Josh leans over the passenger side. “In,” is all he has to say.

I flip him the bird as I climb into the AC interior. I feel so dirty next to Josh, but he doesn’t say a word about my appearance. Him, on the hand, looks just as good as always: wavy blonde hair that brushes just over his ears; eyes that unnerves most people because one is brown and the other is as blue as the Atlantic Ocean, and arms that most guys would kill for.

But still, that doesn’t make him any less of an asshole.

We pull onto the dark freeway in silence. When he passes my exit, I turn back to look at the sign in confusion. “Um, my apartment is that way,” I point out.

Josh’s jaw flexes. He hasn’t shaved recently, or he’s going for the stubble look.

I wave my hand in front of his face. “Hellooo! I’m right here—”

He slaps my hand away and glares at me. My back stiffens at the intensity there, like looking into a king cobra’s eyes. “You do not want to do this right now, Elle,” He states in a low voice. I want to punch myself when my mind flashes back to a time when that husky voice panted in my ear. I blink back to the present.

To preserve my dignity, I roll my eyes and snap back. “I’m not some child you can berate.”

He barks a laugh. “You sure act like one. I could have sworn you were some reckless teenager and not a grown woman. You’re twenty-two and act like the world owes you everything.” He shakes his head in annoyance. “You call Pivet all the time. Just because he cares doesn’t mean you have to use him like that.”

I jerk back in astonishment. “Use him? You’re gone most of the time, so don’t even act like you know the situation. If you want to talk about using someone, look in the fucking mirror.”

He looks at me with shocked outrage. “Are you shitting me? Seriously, are you shitting me right now?” His eyes spark with so much emotion, but he holds his tongue and faces forward. “I never used you,” he murmurs after a few moment of silence. I just glare out at the night, watching the street lights flashing by.

Josh pulls off the highway and soon we come to a tall building overlooking the beach. I haven’t been to his newest place yet. My stomach rolls in a bad way, but I hold down my queasiness. Josh pulls into an underground parking space with his name on it.

Of course.

The sound of our footsteps echo. I lead the way into the lobby for two reasons: one, so he can see my swaying hips, and two, if I were to walk beside him, I’d be tempted to trip him for not taking me home.

Once in the lobby, I make a grand gesture for Josh to lead the way. He makes a face, but I swear I see a hint of a smile. We go up in an elevator and he pouts in a special code for the penthouse. Why am I not surprised?

I take the chance to glance at his crossed arms. He wears a long sleeve black shirt and jeans. I spot a silver ring on his pointer finger on the left hand. I actually lean forward into his personal space to make sure the alcohol isn’t making me see shit. Josh looks down at me as if I were deranged. He is wearing my ring!

“I’m drunk, so I’m allowed to act weird,” I make up on the spot. I. Am. Stupid.

Josh shakes his head as the elevator opens to his home. The cool air smells just like him, masculine with a spicy hint. I follow him at a slower pace, taking it all in. The dark walls hold pictures of Chrome accomplishments, him shaking hands of important people, and more personal photos. Family. Reece and me. Him, Pivet, and Oma.

When I see a picture of Josh and Reece at an event, standing too close for my comfort, my stomach rolls again. “Bathroom!” I yelp and Josh yanks me to the nearest one in a hurry. I make it just in time to pray to the Porcelain Goddess.

“You’re a mess, Elle,” Josh says with a heavy sigh.

I give him the bird as I retch some more.