Wherever You Are

The days before the first show flew by in a blur of laughter, and I found myself remembering the passing hours fondly. Ashton Irwin was incredibly good company. He was playful but polite, and as we traversed through the wax museum he was very apt to point out all of his favorite things regarding each and every piece. I liked that he was so relaxed and outgoing. I enjoyed his jokes and that he liked taking pictures as much as I did. After only a day together, I had lots of photos to post on my twitter account. As we walked back to my room at the end of the day, I attached a photo of Ashton and I at the museum to a new tweet with the caption: "@Ashton5SOS and I are enjoying the city. Thank you, London." His phone chirped with the notification and he chuckled as he saw the picture. "No!" He playfully yelled. "Just kidding, I love this picture. I'm going to save it to my phone." I unlocked the door to my room with little hesitation and I could hear him shut the door behind us as I put my satchel down on the entry way table. I took my shoes off too as I stepped up into the room and crossed to the closet. I slid the wooden door open and grabbed my guitar case from inside. I tried to travel with all of my instruments but only had my guitar with me at the moment. That was okay, though. I had asked Ashton if he wanted to hear the song I was writing, and I had composed it on the guitar anyhow. I set the case on the floor and opened it up before removing the wooden acoustic and held it by the neck as I sat down in the arm chair which swiveled on it's base. I gave a few good strums to remind myself of the feeling of it resting on my thigh. Ashton took a seat in the chair opposite of mine and put his half empty water bottle down on the table beside us. I strummed once more and he stared at me blankly albeit with an impatient look on his face. "Okay, are you ready?" I asked, and he nodded rather quickly with a goofy smile causing deep dimples on his face. "Okay." My fingers found the strum pattern quickly as the fingers on my left hand found themselves grinding against the fret. The note pulled down rather quickly before I returned to the main chord. I swallowed hard before opening my mouth and singing the first verse flawlessly, as if I were in the studio using recording time. I moved on to the chorus with little error, my fingers picking up on the strumming pattern as I began to belt. Ashton's eyes widened, but he didn't say anything or move. He just watched as I told the story of a beautiful night. It was the kind of night that you could only dream about, falling in love with someone from across the room. I sang with passion, and my fingers moved on the fret board with the memory of my own experience meeting Silas. We found each other at an after party. I had just won album of the year, an award for which he had also been nominated. Droves of people approached me and offered congratulations, and although I was incredibly polite to each person I could not pull my eyes away from him. He stood across the room, dressed in an impeccable suit, and he sipped on a whiskey. His eyes stared so intently at me that I got goosebumps when I saw him licking his lips, the big bad wolf. I should have known better, and a part of me did. But when you're young, you want so badly to believe in love at first sight. I reached the bridge and the strumming pattern dropped, my voice growing low and soft. The hook was whiny, a desperate plea of fear. It was the exact wording that I had used in my diary when I wrote about meeting Silas. I wished and I prayed that he was interested in me, that he had no girlfriend or groupie to speak of. When he shook my hand and then kissed it, I had grown so incredibly aware of who I was and what that meant. I still remembered it all, burning in the back of my memory. I finished the song with one last play of the chorus and gave one last strum of the strings and Ashton cleared his throat at the ending. My heart was racing and I hadn't noticed until I looked up to see Ashton in near awe. "That's actually really incredible. Are you going to play that on the road?" I gave a shrug. "I might save it for the album." It sparked: a conversation about how we write songs. I honestly didn't know that the band wrote their own songs, but I was impressed. Above all, I thought myself a song writer. It didn't matter to me that I started on instruments, I was always a composer at heart.

Somehow, Ashton and I branched away from time. After three hours, we sat together on the bed while he strummed away at my guitar and sang a goofy tune about trampolines. I had made the mistake of telling him about the fact that I owned a trampoline. I spent a lot of time in the summer eating popsicles and jumping in the backyard, even though I am a full fledged adult. For me, having fun was more important than being a grown up. It was something that was odd, and it was pointed out in almost every interview that I did. Everyone pointed out how I acted like a child but my music was rather mature as the years went on. That's the thing about music. It gave me the chance to talk about the things that weighed heavy on my chest in an outlet which also provided me the freedom to be happy when I wasn't talking about the things that were hurting. I could sing a song about my last night with Silas, then get off stage and dance to Girls Just Wanna Have Fun while I waited for the crew to bring ice cream and cake. I enjoyed food in general but I was truly a sucker for ice cream and cake. I put it on every tour rider and the whole crew would gather after every show to partake. It was a bonding experience to celebrate another successful performance with the most hard working people in the business. It was unfortunately a large part of my reasoning for hiring a personal trainer to be on tour with me. Her name was Megan, and she made sure I didn't lose breath while dancing on stage with my guitar. She kept me fit with morning runs through the arenas, or with jump roping in my dressing room. I even had a treadmill platform installed on my tour bus so that I could do runs on the road, but it slid underneath the couch so that it didn't get in the way. I smiled as my thoughts jumped around from subject and subject until they landed on my bus. It sounds crazy, but I actually missed it. Tomorrow night, I would kick everything off in a London arena and then begin an epic road trip in my favorite bus. Ashton stopped strumming and singing and looked at me a bit odd, his head tilting a little to the left therefore causing his curly hair to fall in his eyes a bit. "Can I help you?" He smiled at my question, his large dimples decorating his cheeks. "I'm just feeling a bit peckish." I muttered a simple "ah" and then got off the bed and walked to the phone. "Do you like burgers?" I checked the time on the alarm clock at the desk and didn't wait for him to respond as I picked up the receiver and dialed a number I knew by heart. The number was always the same in every hotel. "Yes, I'd like room service to the Elizabeth Suite, please." My voice paused as the young woman on the other end of the line prepared to take my order. "I don't know if it's on the menu, but I would be really grateful if you could make up two bacon burgers with extra cheese; toasted buns, run through the garden, and chips on the side." She didn't hesitate to oblige, even though she made sure to note that it was not on the menu. The conversation was over as quickly as it began and I hung up the receiver. Ashton looked almost uncomfortable. "My trainer is gonna be disappointed." He said it quietly and I let out a laugh as I climbed back onto the bed and took the guitar from him. I strummed a few chords as I responded. "I would say that my trainer is also, but she knows by now that I eat what I want. That's probably why she makes me work so hard." Conversation continued on like that for awhile. The room service took almost an hour but I was just happy to be sitting on my bed with a new friend and eating something delicious. Ashton grew full with half of his fries left, and I gladly finished them off for him before returning the cart to the hallway for pick-up. We said our goodbyes after talking rather briefly about the possibility of writing together and how we could set up a time. I gave him a great big hug and as he began the walk to elevator I couldn't help but call after him. "Hey Ashton, I'm glad that we're friends!" He turned around with that same goofy smile on his face and gave a wave before continuing on his way.

I quickly got ready for bed, peeling off my clothes and putting on pajama pants and a tank top. I pulled back the covers of the bed that I hated so much and yet laid into smiling. This bed was no longer Silas to me. This bed was now laughter and and a hope for the future. I feel asleep rather quickly. I dreamed about that after party. I said all of the same things, and so did Silas. He offered for me to touch his red hair and I obliged in the same way, running my fingers through the softness and smiling like a fool. It played out exactly the same, except for the ending. As I climbed into the car to leave, I leaned back in my seat and didn't think about him. I didn't wish that he was single, or that he would call me. Instead, I sat in the back seat and thought about eating cake and ice cream with 5 Seconds of Summer.

Sarah woke me up in the morning with my usual tea and coffee and informed me about the schedule as I got ready for the day. I had an interview on Radio One, then would head over to the arena and immediately record an interview for some sort of British podcast. I had a forty-five minute session with Megan, then a three hour meet and greets followed by soundcheck and stage lighting test. The dancers would practice choreography while I had my lunch, and then the 5SOS band would have their soundcheck right after. Just after six in the evening, I would have to select wardrobe and get hair and makeup in order to be stage ready at seven. There was a local performer named Holly Hale who would perform from seven-thirty until eight. 5SOS would take the stage then and perform until my set started at nine o'clock. After that, it was an immersive experience. In our rehearsals, I practiced different songs with the band so that we could join each other on stage. They had incredible energy and could play along with most of my songs, and I found ways to sing in harmony with them on a few of their own tracks. If everything stayed on schedule, I would be crawling into bed on my bus around midnight. It was a fully packed day, but I had come to discover in my twenty-two years that those were the best kind of days. I left the hotel excitedly and climbed into the van on the way to Radio One. It was a fun time, but fell a little bland near the end. I performed two songs acoustically for them and we spent most of the time during the show playing games. The jockey really enjoyed asking me questions about 5SOS. I thought about my answers very carefully for questions like, "who smells the best" and "who is most likely to get turned down in a bar." It was easier to answer the questions about tour dates and the countries that we would be visiting. At the arena, I recorded the podcast with ease. It was a young man named David Bevon who had been doing those types of podcasts for four years. It was more like hanging out with a friend than doing an interview. I performed only one song for him, and then we spend the rest of the hour discussing the importance of fostering creativity and art programs in public schools. After all that talking, I was really starting to feel exhausted but Megan refused to go easy on me. I ran up and down the stairs of the arena for an eternity while my lungs burned. I showered rather quickly and got dressed up for the meet and greet. Most bands simply sat at tables and signed ticket stubs but I preferred to stand and hug each and every single person who came through the door. The best experiences were the people who cried when they saw me standing there in my lavender dress. So many people complimented the curls in my hair, and I finished the meet and greet off with a smile on my face. Soundcheck passed in a blur. The boys joined me during my soundcheck for two songs, the ones we would be performing together. It still really surprised me just how much fun they had to be performing, even if it was just a soundcheck. Lunch couldn't come fast enough and I sighed with relief when I saw the time. I walked backstage to the green room where catering was setting out food. My tour rider always included a separate room for catering and equipment and groceries for me to cook. Cooking was something that I didn't have much time to do, but it was one of my favorite past times. It felt good to experiment with different flavors and it was something that I could share with the people closest to me. Today, they had provided ingredients for spaghetti and I was excited. Molly had given me a great recipe for proper pasta sauce and I had made sure that Sarah had written every single item on the tour rider, and sure enough it was all there. I placed a silver pot on the propane tabletop stove provided and began cooking together the prepared ingredients. By this point, it came down to simply tossing everything in and giving it time to join together in delicious matrimony. I sat alone on one of the couches provided and scrolled through twitter for a few minutes. The door opened wildly and my head turned to find the boys coming back from an interview.

"Woah, what's this?" Calum pointed to the pot before striding over and pulling off the lid, revealing the sauce and pasta resting together. "I'm making some spaghetti." I said it politely, but with little interest. Spaghetti was a common meal for just about everyone. Calum proved my point by saying "I see that, but it's making me sad. I miss my mom's spaghetti." I made an exaggerated expression of sadness by forcing a pouty lip and plopped my phone into my lap so that I could hold my arms out for a hug. I didn't get up from the couch though, so it was only mildly surprising when Michael sat on my lap and then slid down a bit, so that he was leaning against my chest but sat between my legs. I erupted with laughter while Calum looked annoyed and gave Michael a quick kick to the leg which was reciprocated with a punch to the knee. Just like that, they were both on their feet and wrestling. I was amused to say the least. I hadn't toured with young men in awhile and had forgotten how entertaining they could be. In fact, the last men that I had traveled with at all had been more the type to sit around drinking beers and talking about ex-girlfriends than to play with each other. Ashton took the open seat next to me and Luke sat on the arm of the couch, on Ashton's left side. "How much longer do you think?" I glanced over at Ashton and watched him scroll through his instagram comments, my chin coming to rest on his broad shoulder. "Probably fifteen minutes. Have you guys had time for lunch, yet?" Luke shook his head mildly, his phone displaying his Netflix queue. "No. We're supposed to be having food here soon but I don't know if anyone is going to order something or not." I looked over at the pot. "They're not. I'm making spaghetti." He looked up from his phone and to me, trying to not look as surprised as he felt. "Seriously?" It was all that he could muster to say. I had to admit that this was something unusual. The bands toured together, sure, but they often stayed separated with different schedules which meant different meal times. The thing about my tours was that I felt like we were a family, and that meant that we all sat down and ate the same meal. That's the reason why the pot was so large and the ingredients were prepared (pasta cooked and the like) before I came to lunch. It was important that we had enough food for everyone and that it was prepared in a manner that everyone could eat at the relatively same time. The only people who didn't get to eat with us and the crew were the dancers, who often came in right after us and were fully committed to vegan diets or healthy salads. I confirmed the plan to Luke, who couldn't help but note how nice it was. I gave a shrug and a soft laugh, trying to be humble.

Lunch was comfortable. The crew came in, taking a break from building the stage and setting equipment to sit on the floor and eat their pasta. It was always fun to speak with the crew and get to listen to them talk about life back home or working on other tours. Most of my crew had been with me for years and hadn't done much touring elsewhere, so there was always wave after wave of inside jokes. There was also the creation on new ones and Michael quickly came to receive a new nick name. "Banana ghost." If you say you like bananas as much as he did, then you couldn't complain when they made sexual jokes about choking on them and dying, only to forever haunt homes from the afterlife on the search for more bananas. There were also some misplaced monkey jokes, but none that were really worth remembering. I finished my pasta and then followed the band as they walked to soundcheck. They had shown up for mine in order to practice my set, so I figured that it would be polite to watch them. They weren't as energetic for soundcheck but I could understood why. Soundcheck was just to make sure that everything was going to sound and look okay, but without an audience it was hard to be wild. With still five minutes left to their soundcheck, Sarah appeared and pointed out the time. I needed to go select my wardrobe for the night. In a green room backstage, Leda had set out of all the outfits I had brought for tour. There were a lot of them because I liked being able to choose whatever felt comfortable for different times of the night, instead of having it scheduled. I worked on pulling different things off of the racks while Leda steamed my dress for the finale. I picked out different shorts for one outfit but otherwise, I was fully content with the outfits that Leda had lovingly put together and organized. I was lucky to have her join me on tour because she was the only costumer who took full care of the clothes. Most times, they hired outside companies to mend the seams and steam the fabric, but Leda didn't trust anyone else with the task. I dressed for the first number, putting on a pair of black high waisted shorts with military style buttons on the front. I buttoned up a blouse with a floral print and Leda helped me button the cuffs around the wrists before she picked out the perfect pair of heeled boots. I stared at myself in a length-view mirror for a few minutes, turning to each side to make sure that I looked proper from every single angle. There were times in the show that I left the stage in order to run through the audience and gives lots of hugs and high fives. Every outfit had to look good from all sides for that very reason. After finally feeling satisfied, Leda confirmed that she was going to have each quick change prepared and they would be ready to go underneath the stage. I know that sounds weird, but I used a lot of lifts and drops in my show, so it just made sense to change my outfits down there. I did only have about sixteen to twenty-seven seconds to change, after all. I left the room and both Sarah and Richard escorted me down the hall to makeup. A couple of the 5SOS boys were walking back to their own green room after soundcheck and we high fived as we passed each other. "Killing it!" I recognized the semi-sarcastic voice as Michael's before I turned to look over my shoulder and laughed at the sight of Ashton pushing him playfully into a wall. It was the last time that I would see them before they joined me on stage. The doors didn't open until seven in the evening but as I sat getting my makeup done, I could hear fans screaming through the concrete of the arena. I tried not to smile or laugh as Guy (my makeup artist who ironically was a guy) painted my lips. And then, as quickly as my schedule had begun it was over.

I couldn't have been more thankful for a performance. Every note was on queue, and the audience loved every bit of it. There were so many posters and paintings that people had created just for us. I stopped to take pictures with a handful of fans after the show, out the back door and near the bus depot. Some of them gave me wonderful gifts of drawings and candy that I knew I would eat as soon as the bus took off. I always loved when the fans brought me gifts that I didn't care what it was. If someone gave me toast, I would be just as happy as getting a gift certificate to Amazon. My time with those young and beautiful dreamers was the perfect way to end the night before shuffling back to the bus depot with Richard and another member of security. My euphoria was cut short right then, turning into the depot and seeing the band and Sarah all standing in a circle as though they were arguing. I swallowed hard, and though my feet did not stop carrying me towards them I still felt hesitant to intrude. "I know that, and I'm sorry but please, Michael, calm down." Sarah's voice was firm, but she sounded so nervous too. I opened my mouth to pipe up, ready to defend her. "What's going on?" The boys turned to look at me, Calum's arms crossed over his shoulders as he opened his mouth to speak. He was cut off by Ashton who took a step towards me and put his hands on my shoulders, as if trying to calm me down before anything even started. "Sarah forgot to reconfirm the buses this morning and there was an issue." Before he could continue, Michael interrupted. "Yeah, I'd say. A big issue, in fact." His voice was sharp and painful, clearly angry and it caused me to grow an invisibly hardened shell in defense. I glared at him when Leda gave him a foul punch to the shoulder, and he quickly turned his attention away from me. "Alright, well what's happened?" I asked my question again in a different manner, growing worried because I had yet to receive a clear answer. Finally, Sarah spoke up. "There was an electrical issue-" "A fucking fire!" Calum yelled, and though he had a lot of volume to his voice, he didn't sound mad. He was simply stating a fact. "A fire?" My shoulders slumped down and my jaw dropped in surprise. Ashton's hands dropped down, and I thought that he must of realized that this couldn't be comforted quite yet. Sarah gave a nod before continuing the story. "They said that the whole bus has to be repaired. I already made some calls and there's no sleeper coaches available for another three weeks." Leda spoke up then. "We'll be out of the fucking country by then." I held my head in my hands and stumbled around a bit, trying to get over the initial shock and then quickly trying to find a solution in my head. "Okay," I said, thinking that I had finally got it. I stood still, looking over to Sarah. "The buses for the crew, can we move some people around to make room?" Sarah swallowed hard, shaking her head. "They're already over capacity, and I don't think they'd like having to shuffle around again for more people." Fuck. She was right. I couldn't put them out. I suddenly remembered that there were empty bunks on my bus. Four, to be exact. I was planning on using them as luggage storage so that we didn't have to store anything underneath the bus in the cargo hold, but this was obviously more important. My shoulders perked up, and I looked confident. "Okay, then they'll just have to stay on my bus." Leda's arms had been crossed over her chest, but as she heard my idea, she threw her hands down. "Are you fucking kidding me? They're children!" Luke stifled laughter and Ashton gave him a quick tap to the back of the head while Michael gave her a contorted look. "Leda, they need to be able to sleep! And there's no way that they can travel solely by plane and make it to all the shows." She rolled her eyes and turned away from the group as I continued. "It's not what we were planning on but people have paid a lot of hard earned cash on seeing those performances. So, I think we can all suck it up until another bus becomes available." No one else disagreed, and not even Leda was whining when we all worked together to move around luggage and store it in the under carriage. Paul helped us make sure that everything was secured, and then I lead everyone on to the bus, lazily giving a tour.

"Leda and Sarah were on the bus earlier trying to put groceries away and whatnot, so there should already be food in here." I pulled open the drawer for the fridge and the drawer for the freezer, confirming that they were full before sliding them closed underneath the granite counter. Luke complimented how nice the bus was and I thanked him for it. I had put a lot of money into this bus, and for good reason. A lot of my tours were long drives, and it made me more comfortable to have a steady bus that I could have shipped from one place to another. There were only a few places that it didn't go with me: like to Japan for example. It just wasn't logical to send it that way and back. The boys chose bunks, and it was a simple process because Leda and Sarah had already set their bunks up. Leda's bunk was most obvious because she had a Nightmare Before Christmas bedding set and a zombie baby doll. Sarah's was less decorative, with simple sheets in the softest shade of peach. She also had a cradle of stuffed animals including a stuffed squirrel she named Barry. Barry was a familiar place for Leda and I who had spent many days at the end of the last tour trying to convince her that he was creepy. She didn't listen and here he was again, lying in her bunk and staring at the ceiling. I tried not to laugh and instead claimed the leftover bunk as my own. It was on the very bottom, which was the hardest bunk to get in and out of, but I somehow liked it better that way. Ashton had the bottom bunk directly across from me, so I expected there to be a lot of laying in our bunks and tossing snacks back and forth to each other. Getting ready for bed with a bunch of boys on the bus was harder than I had imagined. To be honest, I hadn't really thought about having to change in private or how we were all going to take showers and use the bathroom around each other. Leda, Sarah, and I had all been on tour together before. We were also all women and there was no stigma in changing out in the open. With 5SOS on the bus, we had to change in the back lounge and pray that nobody opened the door as a sick prank. I climbed into my bunk and pulled my plain white flat sheets and dull blue comforter up over my shoulders. I rolled over to my side and found Ashton staring back at me, his eyes wide and that big smile on his face. It made me burst into a fit of laughter, which Leda did not hesitate to respond to from her bunk. "Dear god, don't make me separate you two." She may have still been upset about sharing our bus, but I thought that it was going to make everything more fun. It was a strange thought to have, because things had already been going so well. I just hoped that nothing dramatic happened to ruin it. I stopped laughing for the benefit of Leda and everyone else who was trying to fall asleep after a long day.

I checked my phone one last time for the day before putting it underneath my pillow for safe keeping as the bus began to take off from the depot. I closed my eyes for a while, trying to drift off but I couldn't fall asleep yet. I hadn't even closed my curtain. "Hey, Dani." Ashton whispered through the distance between us and I turned my head to see that he hadn't closed his curtain either. "Yes, Ashton?" I whispered back, unsure if anyone else was still awake. "Thanks, you know, for everything." He smiled at me, and I smiled right back with the same amount of fondness for him. "Anytime." It was the best that I could do right then with sleep in my eyes. So with one last whispered "goodnight", we both closed our curtains, and I fell back into my vivid dreaming.