Wherever You Are

He was on our bus with us. The whole band was and I hated it. I had nothing against Michael. I just had spent time looking forward to relaxing between shows and having four hyper boys on the bus was going to get in the way of that. Not to mention that without the boys having their own bus, it was going to become really difficult to get laid. It should also be noted that I was really annoyed that he claimed the bunk right under mine. It felt too close, and I was starting to think that he was a stage five clinger. As it was, he spent his free time following me around and asking what I was going to be doing next. It was something that I would get used to though, because I had honestly been considering getting a dog. I even dreamed about buying him a collar and taking him on long walks in the park. It was an incredibly disturbing thing to dream about, but I woke up with a smile on my face.

I didn't have to pull back my curtain to know that the boys were up. I could hear Calum and Riley talking to Paul, but I couldn't make out what they were discussing. I could also hear Blink-182 playing in the back lounge. I kissed my zombie baby (his name is George, for the record) just like I did every morning and climbed out of the rack before grabbing my glasses from a storage pocket in my bunk. I also grabbed my bottled water and my lovely Spider-man toothbrush. I didn't care that my hair was a total mess, or that Ashton pointed out my glasses and then his own as if to say we were a brotherhood. I simply brushed my teeth at the sink in silence and then remembered that I had already picked out my clothes for the day and they were tucked under my mattress. I returned Dani's "good morning" before walking back to my bunk and pulling out my clothes. I pressed the button to open the door to the back lounge and tried to make sure that I had clean underwear in the folded bundle I held onto. As the door opened, I looked up and instantly caught sight of Michael with his jeans unbuttoned and his hand down his pants. I froze, my face growing hot with the flush of surprise while he quickly worked to rectify the situation. He jumped up from his seat, grabbed me by the arm, and pulled me into the back lounge before pressing the button to close the door. "Please don't say anything," He pleaded with me, his face pale white from embarrassment. I honestly didn't know what to say, or even what to think. What I did know was that his face looked so adorable and helpless and that because I had mental issues, I thought it was very attractive. I pressed the button on the touch panel to latch the door to the lounge and could hear the shakiness in Michael's voice as I set down my clean clothes on the small table. "W-What are you doing?" His accent sounded funny when he was nervous. I turned around and pushed him back onto the couch while my hand lifted to remove my glasses. Michael stopped me, his hand resting on mine and then pushing them back up on my nose. "Don't." He mumbled it, sounding whiny as ever. Hearing him whine always gave me goosebumps. I held back a shrug and straddled him. His breath hitched as I lowered myself so that our hips were tightly pressed together, and I could feel him growing excited through the thin cloth between us. "L-L-Leda," he stuttered, trying to gain the courage to speak. "This maybe isn't-" I shushed him and planted gentle kisses to his jaw. When my lips reached his neck, he sighed heavily before trying to continue. "They might hear us." I tried not to, but I laughed into his neck and my shoulders slumped, suddenly starting to lose my drive. "I'm kind of losing wood here, Mikey." I could him smirk and pulled my head away to see him staring intently at me. His hands moved from their resting place on my thighs to my back, where he pulled me ever closer to him. He lifted his hips to grind up against me and I bit my lip. "Well, if you don't care then I can stop." He whispered it, obviously still nervous but I was thankful that he was trying to get with the program. He was doing so well that it didn't take long for him to shatter my nerves, send me spiraling through messy feelings. I collapsed down against his chest and he buried his face into my neck, finishing with a sloppy groan muted by my skin. I wasted no time parting with his warm body, and I resisted his hands as I got dressed for the day and opened the door. When I walked back into the front lounge, clutching my hair brush, everyone was sat down and staring with wide eyes. Luke cleared his throat before muttering a drawn out, "Uhm..."

There was a lot of nervous laughter and some jokes that were aimed to embarrass me though they didn't. I hadn't been ashamed of myself since I left Japan, and I wasn't about to revert to my days of Jesus loving. I just sat down and laughed along with them, brushing my hair out and letting it fall loose down my shoulders. When they ran all out of jokes, there came a whirlwind of questions. "So, are you guys like, a couple now?" Calum didn't even want to ask it, but I had no reason not to answer. With a laugh, as Michael emerged from the back looking put together, I answered fearlessly. "Are you kidding me? It's Michael." Everyone hummed at that, as if it was a huge insult to him. The thing was, it wasn't meant to be an insult. I had just meant to say that he and I weren't compatible in the relationship department. "So then what, just friends with benefits?" I shrugged, tilting my head. "Certain benefits." "What does that even mean?" It was Ashton's turn to ask a question, though his voice sounded intrigued than concerned. I looked up at him, shamelessly. "I just don't see the point in being a couple, but that doesn't mean that we can't have sex and just enjoy each other's company." Dani laughed at that. It didn't seem like she was trying to be rude, but she definitely had an opinion about the arrangement. "That's so cheesy. You know that you guys are just going to end up dating." I shook my head, trying to not seem upset as there was a pour in of opinions. They all agreed. They all decided to take bets about when and where it would happen. As money began to physically exchange hands, I could feel the anger wash over me. "Could you fucking not? I know what it best for myself and there's no way in hell that he and I will ever, ever be a couple!" I hadn't meant to yell, but it got under my skin so quickly. I charged off of the bus as it was parked at the depot, and began to explore the caverns of the new venue. Hallways were mostly empty except for a few stragglers of the crew, who were still busy putting up the stage and lighting equipment. I nodded back to a few friendly people saying hello, but otherwise stayed to myself. I wasn't that against a relationship with Michael. Like I said, there was nothing wrong with him. We just didn't have a lot in common, and I didn't even want a boyfriend to begin with. No one even asked me if I was looking for someone to date, they all began to make a huge joke out of me without knowing that information. I had already experienced a total relationship, and I wasn't going to go after something that was going to end badly. Besides, it wasn't like I was leaving Michael out in the cold. We could still be friends, even long after he found a proper girl for him. Just looking into his face and seeing his eyes stare into my dark lipstick, I could tell that he needed someone a little more general audience to balance out his colored hair; his tattooed arm; his eyes that were so bright that they didn't even look green anymore.

I imagined the girl he might date while I prepared the costumes and mended a few torn seams. I imagined her having a completely western name, like Laura or Amber. Amber, that's it. I pinned each panel of fabric together on a pair of shorts and placed it under the foot of my sewing machine. It stitched in seconds, and I just had to reverse the pedal to stitch it over a few more times. In my daydream about the future, Amber was shorter than my five-foot-eight. I placed her somewhere closer to Sarah's own five-foot even. She had long blonde hair with lots of mild curls and wore tinted chapstick. She didn't need eye makeup, because her eyes were perfectly large and round and I imagined that she looked like a doll. I pulled pins as I fed the material through the machine, my eyes growing too focused. Stitching. Pull a pin. Amber is good at math to balance Michael out. Stitch. Pull a pin. She went to college and teaches him something new everyday. Stitch. Pin. Amber really likes eating southern style burgers and fries. Stitch. She never finishes her plate and gives him the rest. Pin. Amber listens to Blink-182. Stitch. She always talks about how the lyrics are "basically about her life." Pin. He thinks it's cute when she talks. Stitch. Her voice is at a far higher pitch than mine. Pin. I sound like a little boy when I talk. Ouch!

I fell back down to reality, having stitched over my finger, and there's a lot of blood. I immediately pull the seam ripper from the storage compartment and tear through the thread running through my skin. I put my index finger in my mouth, trying to keep blood from dripping onto the shorts. I got up from my chair and left the room to look for the medical aid kit. I passed by many faces and quickly explained to each one that I was fine, I just had a small slip up. I talked to a member of security who lead me down a different hall, to the green room. He explained that they usually keep all medical aid in the green room in order to keep it central to access. We walked in together, and I ignored everyone getting ready to eat their lunch. Dani was helping the catering crew cook cubed steak for sandwiches. I ignored the smell, and I avoided their faces but no matter how hard I tried my attempt was all for naught. Michael was suddenly at my side, looking over my shoulder and spectating all of the blood while the security guard pulled out a band aid. "Jesus, are you okay?" I shrugged him off, still feeling a bit annoyed from earlier. "I'm fine, Michael. It was just an accident." He started to wrap his arms around me in a hug but I shrugged him off once more and left the room once my finger was bandaged. I didn't show up to lunch. I needed to work through if I was going to make sure that everything was ready for the show. There was a tough deadline, but I was relieved to be sitting under the stage during the show, helping Dani change. And then, it was all over. I was glad that the day was done. I had been thinking so much that I was nursing a headache when I got back to the bus. No one else was there, so I took a Motrin and planned to go to sleep early, before they came back. I changed into my pajamas and climbed into my bunk before realizing that I needed another bottle of water. I let out a heavy sigh, and then mustered up the strength to climb back out of the bunk. I shuffled to the front lounge and pulled open a drawer beneath the couch, revealing the bottled water. Tour bus water was no good to drink, so everyone kept a nice supply of bottled water. I closed the drawer and could hear foot steps coming up and into the bus. I turned my head to see Michael, his eyes puffy with sleep deprivation and he smiled at me in the most awkward fashion. I gave as of a wave as I could muster before rising to my feet and starting to head back to my bunk. His voice stopped me. "Hey, Leda. Can we just talk for a minute?" I sighed and hung my head, knowing that I was probably going to regret giving in. Still, I turned around and walked back to the couch where I could take a seat. I avoided looking into his face as he began. "Look, I know that we don't really know each other all that well." I thought back through our timeline and had to agree. We did, after all, spend most of our private time naked. "I just wanted to say that I can understand how annoying everyone was being earlier. It's just," he paused, and damn if I didn't get curious. I looked over at his face, and watched him search over mine. We sat quietly, and then his hand moved from his knee and moved some of my long red hair from it's resting place around my cheek. He tucked it carefully behind my ear, tickling my earlobe as he moved his hand back down. "Would it really be all that bad to be dating me?" I leaned back into my seat on the couch and let out yet another drawn sigh. He continued anyway. "I mean, you're the coolest girl I've seen in quite some time. You're really bold, and you just don't care what people think. I mean, you're certainly interesting." I rolled my eyes at the compliment. Not because it was weak, but because he wasn't really getting it.

"Michael, I don't want a boyfriend." His whole face hardened with each word as I neared the end of that sentence. "I know you keep saying that but-" I interrupted him. "But I mean it. I don't want a boyfriend." He bit his tongue. I could tell that he was because his jaw was clenched so tightly when I turned to look at him in the face. "It's nice that you think so highly of me but the truth is that I just don't have anything to give, emotionally. If we ever tried to date, I would very quickly make you regret it." He diverted his eyes from mine, and somehow they looked darker than ever before. "I know you don't think so, but it's the truth. So I really need you to just..." I inhaled a deep breath, my chest rising with the fill of oxygen. "Shut it down." I completed my thought and looked down at my water bottle. Michael didn't say anything while his fingers traced the pattern of soft white rabbits on my pajama pants. "We should probably-" It was his turn to interrupt me. He placed his hand down on my knee, and my head jolted to put him into focus. "Don't try to make it out to be like that, Leda. We can keep having fun. Right?" He looked honest and genuine about what he was saying. He was going to stop feeling things for me. I knew that all I wanted was for him to put those thoughts away. We agreed to keep the arrangement, and sealed it with a difficult make out session up in my bunk. He didn't bring up the odd sheet set. He didn't laugh when I told him that my zombie baby was named George. He just cuddled the latex doll until we made out again, and then settled in so that we were spooning as best as we possibly could, considering that a bunk is meant for only one person. I knew that I asked him to stop feeling things for me, but I wanted him to be wrapped around my finger.