Wherever You Are

Something had changed while we sat there at that table, having breakfast. As the days passed, I couldn't figure out what it was but I liked it so much. I could see Calum ignite in colored embers. We spent every waking moment together, which was only made easier by sharing the bus with the band. He followed me around the venues when he didn't have a schedule and helped me take pictures of everyone backstage for the photobook. He was somehow more kind and paid more attention to my feelings. I had also come to find that he had somehow become far more affectionate, holding my hand tightly as he lead the way through the cavern of hallways at every arena. We would sit in the green room together after his soundcheck, my legs over his lap or his head in mine. It was a fantastic feeling to finally have Calum as my boyfriend, and I started to wonder why I never opened up about my feelings before. I stayed true to my word to be honest about who I was. At night, we would cuddle in the back lounge while everyone slept and watch movies while he asked me deep questions. Things like "where are you from, really" and "why did you leave?" I answered both honestly while he crunched on trail mix. "Dearborn, Michigan. It's not all that great, so it just made sense to leave. I guess it also helped that I didn't have any family so once I turned eighteen, I got turned out. Just as well, I had been planning to leave since I was thirteen." He hesitated in his response, still learning to take these emotional blows as nonchalantly as I spoke about them. "Was foster care really that bad?" I hummed, trying to think of how to explain something that I had never even talked about before. "Not really. The foster homes weren't as bad as the group home." He looked confused all of the sudden. "Group home?" I took a small handful of trail mix and picked out the candy to eat. "Yeah. When nobody wants to take you, they throw you into a house with a bunch of other kids. Staff is there all the time, but they don't really care about you." My own group home experience had been isolating. We weren't allowed to go outside, not even in the backyard. The other girls that lived there were incredibly different from me, but we still all tried to find ways to have fun inside. After lights out, we would sneak downstairs to the living room, avoiding the office, and would watch late night television in the living room. During the commercial breaks, we would whisper among ourselves about our plans to get out. One girl in particular, a beautifully dark skinned girl named Aja, was only fourteen and pregnant with her second child. She was hoping that once the baby was born, they would let her go live at home with her mother who was a recovering alcoholic. One by one, these girls described the fucked up dysfunction of their families and how they could somehow twist it around to escape the system that kept us so tightly closed in. Not me. I had no parents, no siblings, no cousins, no uncles to speak of. All that I had was Riley Aliese Lowell, and while everyone said that it was a terrible thing to not have anyone to fall back on, I felt free. Calum continued asking his questions, confused about just how group homes worked. I admitted that I couldn't speak for all of them, each one operates under different state laws. One thing would have stayed the same no matter where I was, though. The that I turned eighteen was the day that I spread my wings, flight or fight. I sold a bunch of photography service and prints that I had collected at a flea market, and used the money to buy a one way ticket to Los Angeles. I didn't know anyone or have a single place to stay, but it was a risk that I had to take. I spent the night in a church with homeless people and then somehow scraped up enough money to buy a burrito. Calum asked me how I survived those first few days in California. Honestly, I didn't have a good answer. I convinced the church to let me take photographs and it somehow sparked into me photographing the homeless who slept there every night. A local gallery wanted to buy the pictures, and everything really took off after that. Sharing these stories and talking about these things stirred up a lot of emotions in me, but it was worth it to know that Calum would climb into my bunk with me and hold me until I fell asleep. And when the sun came up, it would start all over again.

When we weren't discussing my "mysterious" past or making out, we spent a lot of time as a group with everyone on the bus. Dani loves making everyone sit down in the front lounge and play Spades. On one particular night, she decided that she was quickly growing tired of the simple game and that it needed spicing up. Thus, Spades: The Truth Or Dare Edition, was born. I was pretty nervous about it, but Calum thought it was all in good fun. I had every reason to trust him now that I could see him putting everything he had into building something with me. As the cards moved around the table, there was a blur of questions asked and answered. Ashton was scared of streaking because of an incident that happened in high school involving a trampoline and losing his pants. Michael refused to discuss losing his virginity but would reveal that he hated to sleep naked. If given a penis for a day, Leda would try to seduce all of the beautiful women in her life (with a few whistles from around the table) and Dani admitted that even though she hadn't dated anyone since her famous relationship with Silas, she was finally ready to start looking. Another hand ended, and it was suddenly Calum's turn to choose a punishment. "Truth or dare?" Asked Dani, a sly smile on her face as she sat cross legged. He hesitated, his eyes darting around the table as if he were looking for clues. "Truth." I stifled a snorted laugh. Of course Calum would choose truth. Dani seemed pleased with herself. "What did you first think of Riley when you met her?" Every single pair of eyes at the table suddenly turned their attention to me, and I could feel my coffee colored skin blush as best it could. Calum's whole face went red, and Luke also began to seem nervous. "Well," he began to speak and my heart was suddenly racing. "The very first time that I saw her, she looked like the most beautiful girl that I'd ever seen." Dani covered her mouth and looked at my face, awaiting a reaction. I kept my eyes fixated on him until he looked back at me, and my entire head dropped down so that I was staring into my lap. "When we started talking, I thought that she was incredibly cool and collected, and so we just started hanging out." Sarah giggled, wanting to contribute to the banter. "So you guys are in love? That's cute!" The light in Calum's eyes disappeared all of the sudden and he shook his head, his eyes diverting from looking over me. "No, not at all. We're just friends." My heart sank and ached, suddenly feeling so heavy that I sink into the bottom of the ocean. I imagined how different it would feel if I were in a dark chasm, barely floating in the abyss among sharks and nocturnal fish. I guess that when it came down to it, he wasn't wrong. We didn't solidify that we were dating, and it was my fault for thinking that he would instantly be in love with me. I grinned and put on a mask that hopefully hid the scars around my mind while the game continued. Calum didn't say a word to me and I decided to finally go to bed by myself. I closed the curtain and took a deep breath, but I promised myself that I wasn't going to cry if it meant that he would know. So I bit my tongue, and I fell asleep with it clenched between my teeth.

The morning after was the start of the end. It was the last show of the European leg. We had played eleven shows, and hadn't had an off day since we first arrived in London. I woke up, already knowing that we were parked in Brussels at the Forest National. I got around for the day and grabbed my gear, all while avoiding everyone else, and left to snap shots of the crew setting up the stage. Taking pictures of the arena was easy. I could be by myself, and had access to all parts of the arena. I spent half of the afternoon up in the nosebleed section of seating, watching everyone rehearse and get ready for another night of "magical performances". I felt sick to my stomach about what Calum had said the night before. I thought that I couldn't blame him and I couldn't. I kept digging myself deeper, and then acting surprised when I wound up buried underneath eight feet of dirt. If I really wanted to be with him, officially, then I needed to lay it out on the table. I needed to tell him exactly how I felt. It made more sense for us to date while he learned things about me. If he was really trying to fall in love with me, then shouldn't he at least be wanting to call me his girlfriend? This entire thing had always been a mess and I was determined to not let it slump over and die. I thought about how to express myself, and then thought about maybe going on a date. It was the end of the European leg, after all. We could go to a bar where we were both legal drinkers and have a chat. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and sent him an invitation. It didn't take long for him to text me back. He would wait for me outside of the back door of the venue and we would go together.

I abandoned the idea of shooting pictures of the fans leaving the arena. I wanted to look nice for Calum and although I knew that I had packed a year's worth of clothes, I didn't know if I had anything that was special yet still maintained a casual look. I searched through all of my luggage and found nothing of interest until Leda noticed me running back and forth between the back lounge and the bathroom. I explained to her only that I wanted to look nice, and she silently agreed to help. She had the perfect dress for me, and although she was four inches taller than me, it still looked perfect on me. I was a little bit larger than Leda who was as thin as she was tall, but the lace styled fabric clung to my hips in a way that looked more sexual than disgusting. And yet, it still looked like something a girl would wear just to have drinks. Leda didn't have any shoes that didn't look like they belonged to a Gothic doll, but Dani pitched in by letting me borrow a pair of black pumps. Suddenly, I was as tall as Leda, and I liked the way it felt to walk in the shoes. It felt like floating on air, even though my calves tightened mildly with each step. I stepped off the bus carefully as to not fall over myself, and met Calum at the back door of the venue like we had agreed. I wanted to memorize the look on his face as he saw me and play it back over and over again when I felt sad. He was smoking a cigarette, but put it out quickly when he saw me approaching. I had been so focused at giving him an award winning smile that I barely noticed when Michael came from around the corner, clearly having showered at the venue and changed his clothes. I froze for a second. Why would he change his clothes if he was just going to be going to bed? My heart nearly stopped as I looked back at Calum, who was suddenly being joined by Ashton and Luke. By the time that I could hear Dani, Leda, and Sarah approach I had figured it out. I had invited him out to the bar, and he had invited everyone else. We took a cab to a bar that Dani loved and spent a long time sitting together and talking about Germany over beers. Everyone pretended not to notice Leda drinking circles around everyone, and in return she bought everyone shot after shot. It didn't take long until nearly everyone was smashed. Everyone but myself. I wasn't much of a drinker to begin with, and now that I was upset I didn't have the mood to be losing my mind. Instead, I drank only two beers and wondered if I would get my moment with Calum or not. Leda must have noticed what I had tried to do somehow, and whispered something in Michael's ear before kissing his neck. He made a strange face that I imagined being an expression he gave in the throes of passion before they both left rather quickly, announcing that they would be seeing everyone back at the bus. Dani took a queue and suggested that everyone go and dance. I said that I would stay, and Calum agreed. Luke and Sarah were dragged away by Dani and Ashton followed them while he bellowed with laughter. At long last, it was just Calum and me. We didn't sit in silence for long. "So, I guess now is as good a time as any to talk." His speech was slurred, but I smiled to see that he was still devoted. I opened my mouth to speak, only to realize that this conversation might take a while and I needed to pee. I let him know that I was going to slip to the bathroom and then be right back. He didn't mind and so I grabbed my purse and headed to the women's room.

I washed my hands and then checked out my reflection in the mirror. My cheeks were so pink from the flood of beer but the dress still made me look like a model. My long brown hair cascaded down my shoulder in just the right way as I turned around and looked over my shoulder to see the back. I smiled at how perfect it looked and wondered what Calum was thinking about when he watched my curves in it. I checked my teeth and ran my fingers through my hair one last time before finally leaving the bathroom. I passed by Dani and Ashton as they danced together on my way to the bar and ordered one more beer. I had a feeling that I would be needing some liquid courage. It took a long time for the bartender to hand me the bottle, but I went right back to the table once I had it. Unfortunately, it had taken too long. As I walked towards it, I could see a tall blonde girl in a blue dress sitting in my seat. Her cleavage was dripping out of the front of her strapless dress, and Calum could barely keep his eyes off of her chest as she jiggled with laughter from a conversation that I couldn't hear. He glanced at me as I reached the table, beer in hand, and didn't seem bothered when I began chugging it all down. I had certainly been right to think that I would need another beer. I closed my eyes tight as I swallowed, holding them closed while I set the bottle down on the table and opened my mouth to finally speak. Calum stopped me in my tracks when I felt his hand on my shoulder. I opened my eyes to see the blonde leading him away by the hand in the direction of the exit. "Uhm, Calum-" He patted me on the back as he left. "Sorry, Riley. We'll talk later." My jaw shut tightly, my teeth grinding together before he added something else to his promise. "Don't wait up!"

The cab ride back to the bus was embarrassing. I was crying hysterically, tears pouring down my face and washing away my makeup and I had no regard for the driver who said nothing to me. We stopped on the street so that I could go into a convenience store where the cashier silently stared me down. I couldn't blame her. I was buying a box of ice cream sandwiches, a package of chocolate cookies, and three bags of assorted chips all while the tears continued to fall. My body whined, starting to physically feel the agony in my chest, and I stomped onto the bus to find it empty. Good, I thought. It's better if no one sees me this way. I continued to cry long into the night, as I shoveled food into my mouth and watched let Mean Girls play on the television in the back lounge. Luke must have left the DVD in the player and I just didn't have the physical strength to turn it off. I hadn't even gotten out of Leda's dress, although Dani's shoes came off as soon as I climbed on board the bus. I tossed them into her bunk half heartedly before attending my delicious funeral in the back lounge, sprawled across the couch and barely pausing to wipe my eyes. Logically, I knew that I was being melodramatic. I just couldn't seem to get a grip on anything regarding Calum and I once again was stuck wondering why I let him control so much of my life. He wasn't trying to control my emotions, I knew that by now, but that didn't mean that he wasn't. And it made me so angry that he knew it, too. It was no wonder that he didn't want to call me his girlfriend. He wasn't actually trying to fall in love with me, he was just using me in a different way than before. I was starting to regret not having sex in the green room two days before when he had asked me to. I was in such a tender emotional state that I was starting to think that maybe if I put out more, then he would have no desire to sleep with bimbos he met in bars. The urge to pee arose again, and although I didn't want to leave anything for the bathroom ever again, I couldn't hold it. I mindlessly used the bathroom and washed my hands. I turned the water off and then glanced up into the mirror, and instantly stopped crying at the sight of my reflection. I was still in that sexy dress, but I was obviously coming unwound. My mascara was parading down my cheeks and my mouth was covered in chocolate and dried ice cream. I could feel my chest tightening at the thought that I had once again let Calum destroy my idea of myself. I was returning to the state in which I danced with the monster and I hated it. But then, it occurred to me. Calum was still paying attention to me, far more than he ever had before. He knew that leaving with that girl would hurt me, but he did it anyway because he didn't care if I got hurt. I swallowed hard as I began scrubbing my face clean, not worried about getting Leda's dress wet. If he didn't if I got hurt, then I wasn't going to care if he did either. I needed to get back at him, but it was more than that. I needed to make him feel the kind of sadness and pain that I felt: to see something that I cared so much for sinking down and not being able to save it. He needed to be able to physically see what he had destroyed. I pulled off Leda's dress and tossed it into her bunk before dressing into my pajamas, taking one last look in the mirror to confirm that this was the route that I wanted to take. It was desperate, and I knew that once I slipped into the rabbit hole there would be no getting out. I gave myself a solid nod as if to tell myself that I was okay with that and then threw my face forward to the toilet as the muscles in my stomach contracted, forcing out all of the convenience food I had taken in. I didn't need to shove my fingers down my throat, and that might make it more difficult for Calum to notice but I didn't think that the details would matter. Desperate times called for desperate measures.