Wherever You Are

If Paris is the city of love, then London is the city of heartbreak. I feel like this is the truest statement to me personally, because I had my own heart broken there. I was in that same exact hotel suite, staring out at that same exact skyline. The way that the city was aglow gave each dazzling piece of architecture its own personal halo of color. It was beautiful, and I absolutely hated it. London is a big city and generates too much revenue for the tour to just skip past it. So when it appeared on the list of stops for the tour, I scheduled it to be the very first stop. I didn't want to spend the entire tour waiting for the axe that was my memories to drop through London.

Landing at Hearthrow, I felt it instantly. It was a heavy anvil descended on my shoulders. It was a stinging that burned behind my eyes as I opened the door to that same suite. It was me sitting on the balcony, looking at that skyline and trying to think of anything but seeing it that night. I had tried to avoid London for a long time, and with good reason. The last time I had been was a complete mess.

I traveled to London hand in hand with a boy. He wasn't just any boy, either. It was Silas Byrne. Do you know any of his songs? He's always on the radio. His voice follows me everywhere that I go. Back then, I was eighteen and thought that it was incredibly mature of me to be dating Silas, who was twenty-four at the time. My mother hated him. She said that he was too old for me, and that he didn't have a long term plan for us. I was offended every time that she told me just how much he didn't deserve me. Even Molly tried to convince me to call it quits under the guise of being a good twin. Looking back on it now, I should have listened to all of the advise that I received. I'm really ashamed that I didn't but I was so caught up in what I felt was my fairytale. I even looked at the way we met as an act of fate, designed by some higher power to bring us together.

He treated me so wonderfully at first. He had Irish charm and he acted just the way I had always seen him on television. We had only been dating for four days when he told me that he loved me, and I believed him without a single doubt. When I used to live in West Hollywood, he would come over anytime that I needed him. He would sit on my bed while I tried to fall asleep, and said things to try and make me feel safe. I know, it sounds like something so great. The truth is that we had some really great times together, but we also had a lot of terrible times. I just kept trying to ignore everything wrong with us for a long time because it didn't fit the storybook romance theme that I had categorized us under. After he tried to break up with me for the millionth time, we instead decided to visit his family in London. I should have known right then that it was already over.

On the first day, he went to visit his childhood home without me. Instead, I went to a cafe in the heart of the city where I tried four different kinds of coffee beans until Silas called me in the afternoon. He was finally prepared for me to meet his family so I boarded a train on the underground to a quiet neighborhood in Chelsea. He was waiting for me at the station with his sister Rainer, who was my same age. There was awkwardly very little conversation on the walk to the house on the hill. I tried to ask her about the university where she majored in Art, but she had very little to say about any subject that I brought up. His mother was far more welcoming. She told me right from the start to call her mom but the look on Silas' face told me to settle for Tania. She was so happy to pull out family photo albums and talk about how happy she was for all of the success that Silas had found in his life. She spent a full twenty minutes discussing how important it was to her and Silas' father that he marry someone in the industry, so that they could be sure that he wouldn't be used for his fame and money. To me, it was funny to think about. Silas and I had been in the music business for the same amount of time but our careers were so different. By that time, I was already selling out arena tours in Greece while Silas played shows for smaller crowds in larger cities. I didn't mention any of this to his proud mother or silent sister. We ate dinner and his mother continued to talk about us as if we were already engaged. I tried to overlook the fact that only forty-right hours before, Silas was saying that he never wanted to see me again. I let her bring up the articles written about us and I watched Silas defend every word as gossip and lies. I tried not to bat an eye thinking about those very true stories of him leaving me in restaurants and standing me up at the park. I bit my tongue when he said that he was learning to live with my short temper, and my inability to not nag him about how clean his apartment was.

It was supposed to be the perfect moment. Sure, his mother loved me. She was doing everything she could to force us to get married except ordain us right there at the dining room table. It was incredibly uncomfortable and I didn't finish my tea before Silas suggested that it was time to go. He parted ways with the other women in his life by giving them the same warm hugs that he used to give me. We walked back to the station with space between us and sat in silence as the train charged across the city. Back at the hotel, I asked him if he was okay. I couldn't shake the feeling that I had done something wrong. Did I say the wrong thing? Should I have told his mother that we weren't anywhere near ready to be married? Could I have been any more kind to them? He avoided all questions on the matter.

Instead, we turned out the lights and made love with the perfect view of the lit skyline. Somehow, everything about his body felt different to me. Had his muscles somehow lost definition over he year that we had been circling our on-and-off relationship? His moans sounded degraded. His thrusts seemed more powerful but felt less intimate. It didn't feel like the magical act that I had dreamed of in high school when I read Danielle Steel. It just felt like two tired and worn bodies, mismatched and grinding into each other as a desperate attempt to feel something. I fell asleep silently crying, knowing that he was on the other side of the bed with his back in my direction. As I slept, I tried to think of ways that I could salvage what was left. I was happy to be in love, and I didn't want to live my life without the excitement of romance. When I woke up in the morning, his side of the bed was cold and his luggage was gone. I didn't try to call him because I didn't want to embarrass myself. Instead, I obsessed over gossip rags to see into his life without me, and somehow tried to move on without him.

People Magazine reported on all of the eight women that he dated after me, and compared each and every single one of them to me. I dated no one after Silas and they made sure to report that too. In fact, it became what I was known for. Writing love songs without much experience. I had been asked out many times over the three years since Silas abandoned me in London, but I never could bring myself to say yes. I couldn't risk the opportunity to watch everything that was important to me crumble away again, without any way to save it. I didn't want to risk the sensationalism that would surely come from another failed relation-shit. Instead of dating, I poured myself into work and wrote three consecutive albums, three extended plays, and planned three world tours. My career sky rocketed, overshadowing the fact that Silas was dropped from one label and picked up by another. I didn't mean to be competitive with him, but it was always pointed out to me. So I sat in the arm chair of my hotel room, staring out at the all too familiar skyline. I couldn't bring myself to climb back into that bed knowing what I know and sleep soundly. I slept in the arm chair and woke up with a sense of panic as I tried to take in my surroundings again.

I couldn't blame Sarah for booking the same exact room. This was something she knew nothing about. That didn't mean that I could sleep there in good conscience. So at nine in the evening, I got on my phone and sent a mass text to every number belonging to the people on this tour. I invited everyone to travel down to the hotel pool for a late night swim. I was certain that there weren't going to be many people at the pool that late as it was. Still, Richard made sure to have the hotel staff clear the pool area for the sake of safety. By the time that I made it down in my white tankini, there was only a handful of people there. Sarah sat on the steps of the pool, her legs immersed in the heated water. She was deep in conversation with Luke and Ashton, but as I entered they all turned and cheered. Sarah's own arms were raised high above her head as she whistled and I couldn't help but laugh. Honestly, I shouldn't have even expected anyone but Sarah, but I still couldn't help but to ask for the status of some missing persons.

"Well, Michael is hanging out with Leda." There was a strange tension in the air as Luke parted with those words. It wasn't anger or jealousy. Instead, it felt like there was a joke that I had missed somehow. I sat next to Sarah in the pool as Ashton and Luke each sat on the edge of the water. "And what about Riley?" I turned my question to Sarah who gave me a confused look. It was as if she were trying to say "are you insane?" Instead, the words she used were "her flight only came in at five, she's probably napping."

Ashton's heavy accent pierced through the question I was about to ask. "And Calum is going to come swim with us, but he has to go get some swimming clothes first." I nodded as I slipped myself further into the pool. Nothing was better than swimming in heated water. It was like swimming in the best days of summer. Despite how late it was, it was also wonderful to look up through the glass ceiling and see the moon.

Our conversation picked up and shifted gears multiple times. No one kept track of time, or asked why Calum had yet to return to the pool. Instead, we discussed the upcoming day. It was schedule free, and we all decided that we should make plans and take advantage of it. "It wouldn't be a proper tour without experiencing something new" I said. Ashton agreed with a nod of his head and Sarah made a suggestion. "There's Madame Tussaud's." Ashton, Luke, and I all shared looks of slight disinterest, but after a good laugh we agreed on it. It might be fun to go see some creepy wax figures and take lots of pictures with them. It was three in the morning when Sarah suggested that it was time for bed. It took me a minute to get out of the pool, and by the time that I pulled myself up to the stairs, I slipped and slammed my knee onto the first step. Everyone groaned, empathizing with the deep and throbbing pain surging through my knee and the entirety of my right leg. I had already sent Richard upstairs to sleep hours ago, and so Luke extended a welcome hand in assistance.

"Are you alright to walk?" He asked. I took one step forward and though I didn't fall on my face, it was certainly painful. "Do you need a doctor?" Sarah asked, her voice clearly depicting her worry of what the headline would be like. I shook my head. I didn't need a doctor, just some ice. "Let's just focus on getting her back to her room."

Ashton seemed rather clear headed right then, and without hesitation he offered to help me with the journey. "I'll help, too" offered Luke, but Ashton advised that he make sure Sarah make it back to her own room alright. Luke didn't fight it, and I wished both Sarah and Luke a good night's rest. I made sure to remind them about the wax museum. "I hit my knee a bit, I'll be fine and excited by tomorrow afternoon."

We parted with laughter and I leaned my weight on Ashton and let him lead the way. He asked me if I was okay twice by the time we made it to the ninth floor. By the third time he asked, I could do nothing but laugh at his concern. "I promise, if it really bothered me, I would say something." Ashton smirked at the awkwardness of his constant concern. "Alright but I'm trusting you on that." He was trusting me on it? Somehow, it felt like he meant more than just about the pain in my leg. I felt like he was trying to say that he trusted me on this tour and the realization made me smile despite the pressure building up around my knee. He helped me into my room and though he tried to get me to the bed, I very quickly insisted on sitting in the arm chair. Then, going above and beyond what he had originally agreed to, Ashton went down the hall to fix the ice bucket and used a washcloth from the bathroom to create a makeshift ice pack. I sat in the chair, my right right leg stretched and elevated over the arm of the chair. I needed to think of a way to thank Ashton for his kindness, but it was so late that I couldn't. I glanced at the time on the alarm clock beside the bed. It was rounding three-forty-five and Ashton still had yet to return with the ice. I leaned back and thought about what I was going to say in order to sound grateful. I closed my eyes and practiced my speech in my head, and then fell off into a dream where I could practice it.