Wherever You Are

I know that I seriously considered surprising him at his hotel room but I had quickly decided that I wasn't ready to see Calum yet, and for good reason. Seeing him there, standing in the elevator with that look of stupid surprise on his face: it brought back everything I could remember about being with him in a punch to my gut. His laughter at my puns, his lips on my cheek, the way he hugged me tightly, everything flooded back. I could vividly remember everything in a quarter of a second, and it must have been displayed all over my face because Calum very quickly exited the elevator and wrapped his arms around me. It was awkward, a little too awkward. Surely, Calum could not deny the tension there between us as the elevator doors closed with an empty capsule. I lazily wrapped my arms around his waist, too afraid of what might happen next. I could smell him, feel the warmth of his body through his clothes. It terrified me and I must have been shaking.

By the time that he released me, the fog that clouded my mind had dispersed enough for me to hear him begin to ask questions. His voice was so soft right then and my eyes watched his lips move as if it was all happening in slow motion.

"I heard you were the photographer but I didn't know when you were gonna show up. Did you just get in?" I glanced at my watch, hoping that there hadn't been much of a delay. I had come in hours ago and had apparently spent a lot more time arguing with myself than I had realized. I shook my head and tried to give my friendliest smile. "I took a nap for a bit but, I was just headed to grab a bite." That smile, I could remember seeing that same one from below him. My stomach burned hot. I needed to stop thinking about the days that I quenched his thirst for companionship but got nothing in return. If I focused on it, then surely it would eat me alive. I needed to make it through this tour without falling apart. I owed it to myself to put those days with Calum to rest and to focus on the future instead. Still, his smile was comforting. "Is it alright if I offer some company?" He wanted to come eat with me? I didn't want to seem rude, but if I allowed him to get friendly with me again then I might unravel and revert to the days that I shamelessly and secretly devoted myself to his every whim. Still, one meal with the guy couldn't hurt, could it? Maybe we could catch up and talk over food, much like the good old days. If we could do that, maybe I would discover that these feelings in my heart were just pangs of excitement to see an old friend.

I gave a simple shrug and despite the slight roll of my eyes, I muttered a quiet "yeah, alright. Sure." He pressed the button for the elevator and the doors opened immediately. We both stepped inside, and stood rather quiet as we were carried to the lobby. As we walked down the street, ignoring the few press that lingered across the busy roads, Calum inquired about the happenings in my life since I had left California. I wanted to fill him in, to show off my success. Halfway through a story about shooting for Deville Montello during fashion week, I came to the realization that the feeling of wanting to share it with him was really a feeling of wanting to make him proud. I swallowed hard as the story came to a close and he seemed pleased with the outcome. "So you've been really busy, I guess." His voice sounded strange to me then, perhaps it was sadness that I could hear. I would never know for sure though, because he quickly spoke again in a bolder voice. "I always knew you were gonna do some amazing things."

I scoffed at that. I scoffed because he used to tell me everyday that I was gonna be something, but I also scoffed because the dream he had left Australia for had become a brighter reality than he or I had ever hoped for. In just the last six months alone, the band had exploded into the mainstream media. As it was, there were at least two people trying to take pictures of him and I walking side by side. I feared what kinds of stories they might print, so I tried to walk far enough away to be able to deny anything they came up with.

On the corner of the block, facing away from the hotel, stood a unique building. It was full brick but had been painted the ugliest shade of turquoise. I hated the color turquoise. It reminded me of the wallpaper in the dining room of my foster parents' house. I entered the building anyway and took heed of the sign that asked for patrons to wait to be seated. It was rather nice on the inside. The floor was a stained glass mural of different flowers and splashes of crisp blues and bright yellows warmed the color of the room. When we were finally seated by the hostess, we sat across from each other in cold silence. I stared blankly at the grain of the stained wooden table between us and could see Calum in the corner of my vision, eyes fixated on his phone. The waitress came by with the water I had asked for and the soft beverage that Calum had requested. It was only then that his phone went back into his pocket and he suddenly he was staring at me. I turned my gaze from the empty table in front of me and up to see him smiling over at me. He leaned back in his seat, very nearly slouching. "So, what should we talk about?"

Why am I here? Why did I suggest your band? Why did I let you come to eat? What in the world gave me the right to think that everything between us could be okay? There were so many things that we could talk about, we simply had to reach our hands into the glass bowl and make a selection. There were literally a millions topics stampeding through my line of thought and I couldn't stop it. These were all things that I had avoided talking to him about before. I never mentioned any of it because I didn't want to ruin whatever we had. Now that we had nothing, there was no reason for me to continue internalizing everything. I opened my mouth to speak and Calum's chin raised ever so slightly as if he were waiting for what I would say. Nothing came out. Instead of saying all of those things that I had needed to say for such a long time, I just sat with my mouth open and Calum began to laugh. "You look like an idiot, close your mouth." My jaw instantly snapped shut, and instead of laughing along with him I simply sat in my silent realization that I was a complete coward. So Calum talked for awhile instead. He talked through the entire thirty minutes that we waited for our sandwiches to arrive to our table, and then he proceeded to talk as I ate half of my plate in silence. When he finally finished talking about how excited he was to be on Dani's tour, I merely gave a nod in his direction. He had hardly noticed my lack of speech, but was keen to point out my appetite. "I see you're back to a full appetite." I swallowed hard and diverted my eyes from him. When we first met, I was fresh from Indiana and had no concept of style. I had never known anyone who had ever been on a diet and had no knowledge of what was so bad about carbohydrates. This was the Riley that Calum had befriended, the Riley who he invited into his bed that first time. As the days washed over our friendship and our nearly constant sleepovers blurred the line between friends and something more, that Riley disappeared; literally.

I don't talk about it. I never did. Calum never noticed that I hated every bleach blonde white girl he brought around to shows, and in the same exact way he never noticed that we didn't go out to dinner anymore. He never seemed to discover the way my ribs began to protrude from my skin, waiting to burst free like my desire for him to fall in love with me. I was ashamed of the color of my skin, and I cursed my birth parents for even writing my ethnicity on official papers. Italian and Russian and African. I hated the combination. I hated that it gave me hair so curly that it took several hours to tame and straighten. I hated the curve of my Italian hips and the overflow of my Russian breasts. All my life people had told me that I was beautiful, but somehow Calum Hood had succeeded in making me feel like shit. I left California because it was too easy for me to starve myself away and beg for his attention. I left and I had no plans of ever seeing him again, that is until I suggested the band to Molly. That would teach me, though. I wasn't going to meddle with things that I had broken clean from again. Sitting there at that table, hearing him suddenly acknowledge that I had gone through changes in our friendship: it made me hate him more than I ever thought that I could. Why didn't he ever bring it up before? He could have saved what little friendship I clung onto. He could of saved my hope for us.

I didn't finish the fries on my plate. Calum watched me awkwardly as he finished his and the waitress came by with the check. I reached into my pocket for my debit card, but Calum had decided to take care of the bill with cash from his pocket and I didn't think to bother fighting him. I remained quiet as we left the building and walked back down the street. "I think I deserve some conversation now. You're not a cheap date, you know." He wanted to chuckle at his own form of comedy, but I didn't even crack a smile. I was angry at him for hurting me, and I was angry at myself for never bringing it up or defending myself. "This wasn't a date." Telling by the look on his face, my words were sharper than I had originally thought they would be. He cut his gaze from me and instead watched his feet as he tried to keep up with my quickened step. I wanted to get to my hotel room and forget this awful night. "It wasn't?"

I stopped without hesitation and he took a couple more steps before realizing that I had fallen behind. He came back to me and placed his hands on my shoulders, trying desperately to comfort me. It was all in vain, I thought. It's too late for him to waltz in and try to act like he gives a damn about me. I was just another girl in his bed, someone who he could throw free tickets at and be sure that she would always return to him. All of those days that we spent hanging out together, watching movies and saving funny pictures to each other's phones: it was all a fucking sham. It was a fake friendship, which is why it was so easy for him to watch me waste away and then just leave. I could feel that sharp pain in my chest again but I couldn't place my hand to comfort the stinging that took over my lungs because I was too busy throwing Calum's hands off me instead. People walked past us in the night, and Calum found himself looking around in embarrassment at the scene that I was making. "Don't you dare!" I yelled it, my voice was spiteful. I was so scared about what words might extrude from my mouth, but those words opened doors of sudden adrenaline fueled courage. He threw his shoulders up in a shrug, his face contorted with confusion. "Dare to what, Riley?" I realized then that I was shaking, and could suddenly feel a certain wetness sliding down over my cheeks. Was I crying? "We both know that I have never been anything to you, okay? We don't have to play these stupid games anymore." He didn't speak, and I felt stupid for getting so emotional all of the sudden. I started walking again, my legs carrying me even faster than they had before. Calum followed me, his voice trailing from behind me. "Riley, what the fuck is this about? You're my friend." When he caught up to me, he grabbed my shoulder and forced me to turn around and face him on the street, just outside of the hotel. "Riles, you have always been my friend." My throat swelled and felt itchy. I could barely breath and it felt like the pain in my chest was shooting to my throat. "Don't you fucking dare, Calum."

He felt miserable. It was written on his face and I wanted him to feel as terrible as I could possibly make him. I wanted him to understand that he ruined me. I needed him to leave me alone and let me move on with my life. I considered, in that moment, dropping off of the tour and flying back to the states to take on small projects. I turned on my toes and entered the hotel lobby, where I frantically pushed the button for the elevator. Hopefully Calum would get the hint. Hopefully, he would stay far away from me. The bell went off and the doors opened. I stepped inside and could see Calum running to catch the lift. My finger smashed the button to close the doors but just as it took effect, he leaped forward with one leg out, causing the doors to open back up just long enough for him to board. I hated him more than ever right then, that he could think to torture me like this. The doors closed and I bit down on my tongue. I didn't want to cry over him anymore. I didn't want to look at his face anymore. Every time my eyes met his, I remembered the way he looked at me when my clothes were off. It was something growing more traumatic for me as time ran on, and I never wanted to remember it again. It was just the two of us in the elevator, and the heavy silence. My eyes were glued to the meter as we moved past the first few floors. It was moving so slowly. I saw Calum open his mouth to speak, but before he could say anything I defensively turned my head to him. "Calum, just-"

He reached for me, his arms pulling me in and wrapped around me enough for him to guide me so that my back was pressed firmly against the wall of the elevator. I could feel the handle bar attached to the wall dig into my back, but I barely made a sound because just as quickly as his arms had wrapped around me, his lips crashed into mine. That was all it took to win me over. A sudden kiss flooded everything enough to wash away all those nights that I stayed up crying. I could barely remember that I had promised myself to never kiss Calum Hood again. But here we were, and there I was. He kissed me like he was hungry for me, like he had been hungry for such a long time. I could feel his hands ferociously grab at my Italian hips, pulling me as close as possible to him and in the same moment he had reached for my heart. I didn't want to let him destroy me, but it felt so good when he did. Anyway, I had wanted closure for this encounter. Maybe the best way to find closure was to fix what was broken in the first place. I dared to dream that I was off to a good start.