There Must Be a Way

“I still can’t bloody believe you came.” Callum spoke softly, just loud enough for her to hear. “Graham and I actually had a wager going.”

“How much you lose?”

“Who says I lost?”

“Well you’re standing here going on about how you can’t believe I came, so you must’ve bet against my showing.”

“That I did.”

“So how much?” she asked.

“About a hundred.”

“How do you lose about a hundred?”

“The damn Aussie dollar’s doing a bit better than ours, so I had to account for the conversion.” He explained. “S’alright though, we’ve another wager going. One which I fully expect will go in my favor.”

“What’s this other wager about?”

“You.”

“Me?”

He nodded.

“And here I thought the wager would have to do with rugby.”

“We always have wagers on rugby.” He scoffed a little, offended by the thought that he and Graham wouldn’t be betting on their national teams. “The one on you is ongoing.”

“How long’s it been going?”

“The better part of a year,” he replied.

“And how much longer is it going to last?” She was genuinely curious. “What’s it got to do with anyway?”

“Guess.”

“Whose country I’m going to visit next?”

He shook his head.

“When I’m going to finally lose my mind?”

“That’s a good idea, actually. I’ll have to get one going for that, but obviously, that’s not the wager.”

“Well then what is it?” she asked. “Because judging by the MPs making their way towards us, our time together is up.”

Callum groaned. “Here I thought we’d have at least five minutes before duty called.”

“Duty always calls,” said Paulina. “We’ve just been ignoring it.”

“That we have.” And he raised his champagne glass before taking a drink. “As for the wager, it’s about when you’re going to stop dragging your bloody feet and make an honest man out of dear old Francis.”

Paulina smiled, but knew better than to laugh. “You sound like my parents.”

“Do ya think they’d fancy getting in on the wager?”

“You know what? I think they would.”

“I’ll have to give them a ring then.” He joked. “But really, when’s that going to happen? I mean honestly, even I settled down before you.”

“I still can’t believe that.”

“Neither can I, really.” Callum smiled as he said that. “Who’d have thought I would ever settle down? And so young.”

“Thirty-one is hardly young.”

“Younger than you’ll be.”

“Fair enough,” she conceded. “But not much younger.”

At that, his eyes flickered with curiosity.

“A year or so,” she told him, knowing very well that was what he wanted to know. “Now get yourself together, man. They’re upon us.”

Sure enough, the MPs had arrived. They were there to network, to forge alliances with promising politicians in hopes of creating relationships that could prove beneficial in the future. The MPs from the Conservative Party latched onto Callum. While those from the Labour Party sought Paulina’s company. It would have been far more enjoyable to mingle with them had they not had an actual friend in the room. All either of them wanted to do was grab a bottle of champagne and talk shit like they used to while they were at Oxford. That would’ve been the best way to have spent their time, but alas they were there in an official capacity. They were representing their respective countries, and had to conduct themselves accordingly, which is why Paulina didn’t even think about Callum again until Lord Fellowes showed up.

He had fully intended to be there at the start of the event. There was nothing he enjoyed more than to see his beloved Westminster filled with foreign dignitaries, which was precisely why he had instructed his valet to lay out his suit the night before and shine his shoes. It was an event, which despite being rooted in an unfortunate circumstance, would give him a great deal of satisfaction, because not only would Westminster be the gathering place of the international political elite, but there in attendance would be his most accomplished protégé – Senator Balcázar.

It was she whom he was most eager to see. It was she with whom he wanted to reconnect, because although she made a name for herself in America, he still very much counted her as one of his successes. A picture of the pair of them was on display in his office, and whenever anyone mentioned it, he would speak at great length about how terribly bright she was and how charming and clever. He would list her accomplishments as if they were his own, and he would claim to have known all along to have known that she was destined for greatness.

“I knew from the start, obviously.” He would say. “How could I not?”

And it was that desire to see her again which led to his leaving Wilton Crescent much earlier than he otherwise would have. He wanted to get a word in before everyone descended on her, because American dignitaries always proved to be the most popular at events. So Lord Fellowes decided that if he got there early enough, they’d be able to have a truly private conversation, but unfortunately for his plans, there was a nasty accident that took the better part of an hour to be cleared up, but that wasn’t the worst of it. When they arrived at Westminster, Lord Fellowes realized that he’d forgotten the special clearance passes that had been made up for the event. With so many high profile politicians located in one place, extreme security measures had to be taken, and no one was to be let in without the special pass – no one.

As such, he found himself forced to return to Wilton Crescent. It wasn’t until the last hour of the event that he arrived, and although he would’ve very much preferred to have made his way directly to Paulina, as a Lord Temporal it was his duty to circulate. So he did just that. He went from one group to another until ultimately making his way to Paulina.

“Senator Balcázar.” He took great pleasure in referring to her by her title. “How good it is to see you.”

“Lord Fellowes.” She greeted him with a smile and slight bow of the head. She couldn’t curtsy, not to him or anyone, even though she felt that he deserved one. “I am glad my presence is a welcomed one, and rest assured that I am equally thrilled to once more be in your company.”

At that, he smiled. The Americans might have instructed her in the art of politics, but her flattery and form of address had been his and his wife’s.

“Have you had a pleasant time?”

“In such company, I find it very difficult to believe that one could have anything but a pleasant time.”

“That is a sentiment which I strongly share. In fact, I made a similar remark to the Prime Minister of New Zealand.” He paused before adding, “Tell me, have you seen MP Key of New Zealand?”

“I have.” She smiled as she spoke. “Towards the beginning of the event, we were able to have a few words to ourselves. He’s doing remarkably well in New Zealand. I’ve not been able to keep up as well as I’d like to, but from what I’ve heard, he’s one of the leading members in their Parliament.”

“He is indeed,” said Lord Fellowes. “And although I am quite certain that I run the risk of sounding vulgar, there can be no surprise as to his high ranking status. It is what I expected of him as a distinguished Rhodes Scholar – just as I fully anticipated your success.”

“Sir, you are too kind.” She feigned modesty.

“Nonsense,” he said. “Although I must admit that even I was taken aback by how young you have managed it.”

“Had I not been blessed with such remarkable mentors, it would’ve surely taken longer.” It was time to flatter him. “I will never forget the lessons you taught me, Sir. Nor those that I was fortunate enough to learn from Lady Fellowes.”

“It was our pleasure to have been able to be of service to you.” He told her. “We regard you very highly, Senator – very highly, indeed. And do give me leave to extend an invitation on behalf of myself and my wife.”

“Sir –”

“It is unlikely that you accept it.” He went on. “Furthermore, it would be a mistake on your part to accept, given the circumstances, but still I extend the invitation for dinner later this evening.”

“I thank you and Lady Fellowes for the invitation, but unfortunately, I am otherwise engaged this evening.”

“As well you should be,” he said. “Before I go, will you allow me to give you a bit of advice?”

“Of course, Sir.”

“Stay as far away from him as you possibly can, dear girl.” His words came out at just above a whisper. He didn’t dare be overhead. “You have come too far to permit anything to compromise you.”

She couldn’t help it, her face betrayed her shock.

Lord Fellowes cared for his nephew, he truly did. And in another life, he would’ve loved nothing more than to see them together, but as a practical man, Lord Fellowes understood that her best future lay elsewhere.

“Do you understand me?”

She nodded.

“Very well then,” he said with a relieved smile. “I take my leave of you now. Make sure to network, but do not limit yourself to politicians with whom you share similar opinions. Network with everyone here, for these are the people who run the world and those who one day will.” He stretched his hand out, and as he shook it, he gave her the greatest compliment he had ever given her. “You are absolutely marvelous, Senator Balcázar. I look forward to your future.”

“Would it be unpardonable for me to hug you?”

“Not unpardonable, but it would be a poor choice on your part.” He answered. “Although rest assured there is no need for the hug. I know where it is we stand.”

“Well goodbye then, Sir.”

As soon as Lord Fellowes left, his place was taken by a member of the Italian delegation. It wasn’t long thereafter that the event finally came to an end. By then, contact information had been exchanged, plans for dinner had been made, and everyone filed into their respective vehicles feeling as though the afternoon had been a success. The majority of them would have a few hours rest before their evening plans. They would be able to catch up on business from back home, perhaps sneak in a little nap, or do a bit of sightseeing, but such wasn’t the case for Paulina, because despite knowing that it was an absolutely horrible idea, she accepted Her Majesty’s invitation to tea.

Not wanting to waste American taxpayer money on her motorcade, she requested that the monarchy provide her one. It was an easily accommodated request. Her Majesty sent Kamal and Alistair in the Bentley State Limousine. They were there to provide transportation and protection, because instead of taking an entourage of Secret Service Agents, Paulina was only taking one. Although she knew very well that that one Secret Service Agent was going to be enough for the Republicans to go after her for, but regardless of that she took him along because that way, they wouldn’t be able to say that she was trying to hide something.

It was just before they came into view of Buckingham that Paulina called Francis. By no means was it a conversation she wanted to have. Only the night before, they’d gotten into a huge fight – well, it wasn’t so much a fight, it was more a long the lines of Francis telling her off and Paulina apologizing over and over again. She fully recognized that she was in the wrong. Had she been him, she would’ve told herself off for being such a dumbass. That was why she didn’t argue against him or try to tell him to calm down. She recognized she was being stupid and she knew it was disrespectful to him, but she was still going through with it.

She did her best to appear nonchalant as the phone rang, but her shoulders were raised slightly higher than usual, as if she were holding in a deep breath and her lips were somewhat pursed. It was after the fourth ring that she started to think she was going to have to leave a message, but then Francis’ voice came on the line, only it wasn’t the tone she was used to. It was the one he reserved for the times he was irritated with her.

“Are you still going?” he asked, curtly.

“I am,” she replied. “I’m nearly there, actually.”

“Call me when you get back to the hotel then.”

“I can call when I get back in the car.”

“At the hotel,” he repeated. “Call me then.”

“Okay, I’ll call you then.” She paused a moment before saying, “Te amo Francisco.”

“Remember that while you’re there.”

And just like that, he hung up.

“You know what I just realized?” Paulina looked over at Alistair. This was her attempt at changing the focus away from her brief phone call with Francis. “I didn’t ask about Sanjeev or Gethin last night. How are they?”

“Both are doing quite well, Miss.” Alistair replied.

“Are they still protection officers?”

Alistair nodded. “I daresay the four of us will stay with His Royal Highness until we are deemed to old to be of service.”

“And how long do you think that’ll be?” asked Ember from her seat beside him.

“I’ve at least another fifteen years in me.” Alistair answered honestly. “Although I’ll stay on as long as His Royal Highness will have me.”

“Is he that good of a boss?” Ember was intrigued by Alistair’s loyalty.

“He’s that good of a man.” Alistair told her. “And it is an honor and a privilege to ensure his safety.”

“Then why aren’t you ensuring it right now?” Ember felt like teasing him.

“Because it is an even greater privilege to ensure Senator Balcázars safety,” he replied without hesitation. “And it is an honor that I have not had for years.”

“Well played.” Ember had to give credit where credit was due. “I see why the Senator likes you.”

“I have impeccable taste.” Paulina joined in. “Now if you look out the window, you’ll see Buckingham.”

Sure enough, when Ember turned her gaze away from Alistair, she was struck by the grandeur of Buckingham Palace. Ember was the sort of person that always managed to keep herself in check. She portrayed what she wanted to portray, her emotions were her own business, but in that moment, her eyes went wide.

“You seem to be in awe.” Alistair observed.

“Not everyday I get to go to a place like this.”

“Ember here is our resident Dorothy,” said Jeffrey. “She’s literally from a small town in the middle of nowhere.”

“How do you like Oz then?” Alistair inquired with a teasing tone that even surprised him.

“Watch it tin man or I’ll drop a house if you sass me.”

The casual way that she said those words made it all the more amusing. Alistair actually felt his mouth twitch upwards into a brief smile while Jeffrey chuckled. He quickly recovered, careful to make sure he remained professional.

“So how long have you been working here, tin man?” Ember carried on the conversation.

“Many years.”

“You are fantastically vague,” she commented with a laugh. “I’ll get an answer out of you though.”

“Perhaps,” replied Alistair.

It was shortly thereafter that they pulled up to the front of Buckingham Palace. Paulina had expected the Queen to be the one that welcomed her, but Her Majesty wasn’t waiting for her on the steps, it was instead Zara.

“Expecting the Queen, were you?” were Zara’s first words. “I’m afraid you’re stuck with me, Senator Balcázar.”

“There are certainly worse individuals to be stuck with, Mrs. Tindall.”

“That there are.” Zara agreed. “Pleased to see you again.”

“Likewise.” Paulina took Zara’s extended hand. “It’s always a pleasure.”

“I’m an absolute delight, especially during difficult times.” Zara smiled. “Come along now, Her Majesty awaits.”

“Will you be joining us for tea?”

“Not for tea, no,” replied Zara. “That’s meant to be private, it is.”

“Oh God,” whispered Paulina. “I was really hoping you’d be there.”

“I’ll see you after.” Zara said as they walked. “If you want to, that is. I can only imagine how busy the schedule of a Senator must be.”

“As busy as yours I’d say.” Paulina followed her into Buckingham. “I spend the majority of my time thinking about how to not make a mess of things.”

“Well you’ve gone and fucked up here, haven’t you?” Zara smiled slyly. “Didn’t your people tell you to stay away?”

Paulina nodded. “I even told myself.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Guilt, mostly,” she didn’t feel the need to lie to Zara. There had been a genuine friendship there. Zara was one of the few Royals that set her completely at ease. “Although I have to admit, I’m a bit curious as to what Her Majesty wants with me, but mainly it’s the guilt.”

“You Catholics and your guilt,” Zara teased.

“Tell me about it.” Paulina sighed softly. “It’s alright though. The Catholic guilt is good. It keeps me from doing anything that’s truly heinous.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

Paulina raised her brow.

“You’re in politics, even the best of you are conniving cunts.”

“Well I can’t argue with you there.” She wasn’t angered by the statement. On the contrary, the conversation made her remember just how much she enjoyed being around Zara. “But I will say this in my defense, I’ve done a hell of a lot more good than I have bad.”

“Like the millions in aid Lesotho now receives to combat HIV?”

“Since when do you follow American politics? You don’t even care much about the UK’s.”

“A cousin told me about that one,” replied Zara. “He was quite pleased with it, mind you.”

“So have you been here all day?” Paulina sought to change the conversation.

“Since around nine,” she answered. “I am the grandchild on duty today, so I left the children with Mike, and have been doing my best to be good company, but now you’re here, so I’ll have a bit of a break.” She was quiet a moment before saying, “Is it strange to be back?”

“Did my face give it away?”

“No.” Zara glanced over at her. “Your face is under control. I bet that’s a skill you perfected in Washington, but I can’t imagine this is easy.”

“Well I did swear never to come back.”

“Why?” asked Zara. “What happened between you two? Last I saw, everything was perfect and then you’re in that accident and –”

“Life happened.” She was quiet a moment before adding, “And now I’m with Francis.”

“Ah. The Irishman.”

“Yes, the Irishman.”

“He’s easy on the eyes.”

“He makes me happy.”

“That’s what matters.” Zara stopped abruptly. “Here we are then.”

“Should I wait outside while you introduce me?”

“Don’t be daft. Just walk in behind me.” It was then that Zara began opening the door. “Come along then.”

It was an easy enough thing to do. She simply had to follow Zara into the sitting room, but it proved a much more difficult task for Paulina. She lingered in the doorway, her feet refused to cooperate. How could she face the Queen? After well near a decade how could she look her in the eyes? Although their relationship had started out disastrously, a genuine affection and mutual respect had grown. The Queen had invited her into her home, she had gone riding with her, led her horse by the reigns so as to ensure Paulina would be okay during her first ride. There had been a love that neither of them had expected, and as she stood in that doorway, Paulina felt embarrassed.

“What are you doing?” whispered Zara when she realized Paulina hadn’t followed her.

“This was a mistake.” Paulina whispered back. “I-I have to go.”

“Like hell you are.” Her eyes narrowed. “Go have some bloody tea.”

And just like that, Zara discreetly bumped Paulina enough to get her into the room and then shut the door behind her. Paulina stood awkwardly, unsure as to how to proceed. It was unnerving, really.

“Do you intend to stand there, Senator Balcázar?” the Queen addressed her. “For if you do, I daresay this will not be the most comfortable of teas.”

“Your Majesty.” Paulina began, and without thinking, she dipped into a curtsy.

“I thank you for that,” said the Queen. “Although I would advise against doing so in public.”

“Rest assured I will not do this in public.”

“Good. Otherwise I would think you a fool, and I do not care for fools.” She motioned to the couch beside her. “Do sit down.”

“Yes Ma’am.”

Paulina did as she was told. She took a seat beside the Queen, and sat there rather awkwardly.

“Surely there is no need to be nervous.”

“On the contrary,” said Paulina without thinking. “I have no idea what I’m doing here.”

“It was an appallingly poor decision on your part.” The Queen observed as she poured the tea. “Surely your advisors counseled against it?”

Paulina nodded.

“As was only right,” she said as she handed her the tea. “I would have also advised against.”

“I nearly didn’t come at all.”

“To London?”

“Yes Ma’am.” She lowered her gaze in embarrassment. “I argued with the Chief of Staff over it. I was like a petulant child throwing a tantrum.”

“Did they threaten you?”

Paulina shook her head. “They didn’t have to.”

“Why did you accept then?”

“Mostly out of guilt,” she answered honestly. "It also helped that you sent the right man.”

“I had initially intended to send Alistair, but he said that Kamal would be better received.”

“He was right.” She lifted her gaze. “And I wanted to thank you for your discretion in sending the invitation with him. I . . . I am much obliged to you.”

“What sort of fool do you think I am to compromise you with a paper trail?” the Queen asked. “My dear, I have been at this far longer than you, I know the value of discretion. It is of the upmost importance in the lives we lead.”

She nodded in agreement.

“Tell me, how has your life been?”

“My life?” repeated Paulina.

“Yes.”

“I – I don’t know what to say.” She said, nervously. “I thought you wanted to talk about – well, to be honest, I really don’t know why you invited me here. I don’t know why you asked me for tea. I just sort of came.”

“I wanted to see you,” the Queen spoke frankly, “To meet the woman you became.”

Paulina was taken aback.

“These last few years have dealt me many losses,” she went on. “I buried my dearest husband, countless cousins, and now . . . now my son.”

Her voice broke slightly at the end. She was by no means the sort of person that cried in front of others. Her decades in public life had taught her to be discreet in that regard, only those closest to her had ever seen her weep – her husband, her mother, her sister. There was no one presently that she would give such an intimate glimpse of her emotions to, but regardless her voice broke and her eyes became strained. And in that moment, Paulina knew the Queen was immensely distressed, and without thinking about decorum, she leant forwards and took the trembling hand into her own.

She half expected to be told off. After nearly a decade apart, how could such dare claim such intimacy? Even when they had been a part of each others lives, Paulina had only touched the Queen on two occasions, but the Queen didn’t protest. On the contrary, she gave her a tight squeeze and allowed her to keep hold of it.

“I have never been a particularly nostalgic person,” the Queen continued. “Always onwards – that is what my father instilled in me. We must always look to the future, never permits ourselves to be blinded by thoughts of time gone by. I have endeavored to do so and have overwhelmingly been successful in that endeavor, but that is a difficult thing to do when one loses a child.” Her voice once again became strained, and Paulina responded by lightly rubbing her thumb across the top of the Queen’s hand. “I could not help but think of times gone by. Not all memories were good, mind you. My son – I do love him, always shall, but there were unseemly choices made by him, but he was mine, and how I loved him. And I allowed myself to dwell, as never before, and I began to think of others that I cared for throughout this long life I have led. I have buried more than I care to remember. That is the consequence of a long life. Those you care for are taken, but then I began to think of those still among us, of the few outside my family for whom I care, and naturally, I thought of you.”

“Ma’am –”

“I despised you at first – utterly despised you.” It was the truth. The Queen wasn’t going to pretend otherwise. “How dare my grandson run around with a vulgar American? How dare he be so reckless as to get in a fistfight at a bar over her? I was not a fan of yours. You know this. Nor were you a fan of mine. I know this, but we made amends. Didn’t we? Towards the end, I was quite fond of you. And I daresay, the feeling was reciprocated.”

“It was, Ma’am.”

“That is why I sent for you.” The Queen lifted her free hand to Paulina’s face and did something that surprised them both; she touched her cheek with the gentleness that she would a grandchild. “And I am terribly pleased you accepted the invitation.” She lowered her hand. “Now be a dear, and tell me about your life, because you and I both know that when you return to America, that’ll be it.”

“It’s not that I mean to be rude, it’s only –”

“Politics,” said the Queen. “It’s a tricky thing these lives we lead. We must always look ahead, constantly plan our next move, decide whether or not it shall be advantageous for us to do certain things. It is exhausting, isn’t it?”

Paulina nodded in agreement.

“But it must be done.” She gave her hand a squeeze before letting go. “Now go on, for we only have a half hour before I am needed elsewhere.”

It was awkward at first, telling the Queen about her life. The entire thing felt like a bad premise for a movie. Why would the Queen want to hear about her life? Why would she care? Why should she care? It was strange, but Paulina did as she was asked. She talked about her family – how her parents and siblings were getting on. She discussed Washington, how infuriatingly difficult it was to get anything done there. She nearly told her that without the proper leverage nothing would ever get done, but she kept that out, it was best not to incriminate herself, not even in front of the Queen.

When their time came to an end, it was Zara who came to fetch Paulina. Their goodbyes weren’t emotional. What needed to have been said had already been said.

“How was it?” asked Zara when Paulina stepped out into the corridor.

“Better than I expected.”

“Pleased to hear it,” she said. “I was afraid it’d be absolute shit, what with how scared you were going in.”

“I wasn’t scared.”

Zara cocked her brow.

“I was nervous.” Paulina clarified.

“Like that’s much better.”

“Somewhat, I’d argue.”

“So what will you do with the rest –” It was then Zara’s phone started ringing. “Sorry,” she said. “It’s the nanny.”

“I thought the children were with Mark.”

“Like I trust him alone with them,” she nearly laughed. “You don’t mind, do you?”

“Go ahead,” said Paulina. “In fact, why don’t I just head out? They’re in the staffs dining area, so I can see myself out.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, it’s fine.” Paulina assured. “It was great seeing you, Zara.”

“Course it was,” she said. “I’m an absolute delight, and I damn well know no one’s looking, so I’m going to steal myself a hug.” And she did just that. “See you tomorrow then.” She lifted the phone to her ear. “Hello Rachel, how are the children?”

Paulina watched as Zara disappeared into one of the chambers. She stood in the corridor a moment, unsure as to how to proceed. She thought she’d remember how to get to the staff area, she’d gone a couple times during her relationship with Harry, but she looked to the right and then to the left, and realized she didn’t know where the hell it was. Not wanting to disturb Zara, she instead started walking, figuring that eventually she would run into someone and ask them for directions. It was a decent enough plan, but then five minutes passed and ten minutes passed, and she was no closer to finding someone than when she’d started.

“For fucks sake!” she groaned in frustration. “I need to call Ember and have her send Alistair to find me.”

“I’ll give Alistair a ring if you like.”

At that voice, she froze.

The voice inside her head demanded that she take off in a sprint down the corridor. It didn’t matter where she ended up; all that mattered was getting as far away from him as humanely possible.

Run, you fucking idiot.

Run.

But she didn’t run.

Her feet took on a mind of their own; they were conspiring with that bit of her heart that had stubbornly refused to align itself with Francis. That damn bit was calling the shots while her brain screamed for it to stop, but it refused. It wanted to see him.

And so it did just that.

Harry had been told to stay away. His grandmother had warned him about being there when she arrived.

“It won’t look right,” she told him.

But that was it.

It wasn’t the worst warning she had ever given him. Normally, her warnings came with a threat, she’d list the consequences of his actions, so he figured he wouldn’t be there when she arrived, but he couldn’t stay away, even if it was only to catch a glimpse of her on her way out. He knew it was pathetic of him. He shouldn’t have pining after her, but he couldn’t help it. Ever since she called to offer her condolences, she was all he could think about. She had stayed on the phone with him until he fell asleep, she had stayed on the line for well over an hour, and the sound of her breathing, the sound of her voice, were what came to him in the dead of night.

He expected her to be composed, to look how she had when she’d been welcomed by William and Kate, but although her attire was impeccable, her face was far from composed. She didn’t fully face him; she had turned so that only the right side of her face was visible to him. She was embarrassed by the left side. She didn’t want him to see her like that. The last time he’d seen her, her face had been unscathed. There was no large scar that ran across her left cheekbone, and she didn’t want him seeing her like that. As vain as it was, she didn’t want him seeing her like that.

“Hello.”

He couldn’t bring himself to say anything else, not now that she was facing him. He was far too busy taking in her appearance. She looked visibly strained, but he didn’t mind that. He was too busy registering just how much she’d changed since he last saw her. She had gained back some of the weight, not all of it, but enough to look healthy. Her cheeks were full again, and they had regained their rosiness, although at present they were bright red.

For her part, Paulina couldn’t bring herself to say anything. She just stood there frozen. She watched in silence as he closed the distance between them. It went from being ten feet, to just below one. She lowered her gaze when she felt his on the left side of her face. She didn’t want to see pity in his eyes. She didn’t need to see that from him.

“Please don’t look at me,” she found herself whispering. She was frightened by how small her voice sounded. “Please.”

“How could I not?”

It was then that her eyes snapped open, and when they met his, her resolve began to weaken. He might have been dressed in a fine black suit and his beard might have been tidy, but his eyes spoke of sleepless nights, of the countless tears he’d shed.

“What have they done to you in America?” He asked as he stared into her eyes. There was so much conflict and turmoil in them. “Those eyes, they’re not meant to be like that.”

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m fine.”

“Are you? Because you look like you might faint.”

“That’s because nobody told me you’d be here.”

“Were they meant to?”

She shook her head. “But I figured they would have.”

“Why? So you could cancel?”

“Not even.”

“You would have. You know you would have.”

She felt a hot pang of shame. “I can’t do this.”

“Because it’s not neat? Because that’s all you do now – isn’t it? If something’s not neat and tidy you won’t go bloody near it.”

“That’s not true.”

“Then why didn’t you call me from your mobile?”

“What?”

“You heard me.” He had closed the gap between them. If she lifted her hand, she could touch his chest. “The day after you called, I gave it a ring. I figured since you called that – well, it doesn’t matter what I figured, but I wanted to talk to you. I needed to, and I thought I would, but then Alfred answered. You bloody had him call me so it wouldn’t be traced back to you!” He didn’t even give her time to respond. “Or maybe you didn’t do it so it wouldn’t be traced. Maybe you did it so I wouldn’t have your mobile! And I reckon that options worse.”

“That’s not why!” she argued.

“It’s not?”

“No,” she said. “I didn’t have Alfie call you so that you wouldn’t get my number. If you really wanted it you could get it. You would just have Alistair contact the people he knows at MI6! I did it so that if I’m ever subpoenaed they won’t discover that instead of fulfilling the duties of my office, I was on the phone crying with you! That’s why!” For the first time in years, she lost control. “So go ahead, say I’m selfish and conniving! I promise you’re not the first to think it! There are blogs dedicated to that! But don’t expect me to apologize for calling you the way I did! If anything, I should’ve just kept my fucking mouth shut! I should’ve felt like shit and then thought about calling you and not done it! That’s what I should’ve done! That would’ve been the neat thing to do!”

“Don’t you dare make yourself the victim here!” he bellowed. “Oh look at the Madam Senator, how kind she is to ring an old flame to tell him how sorry she is that his dad’s dead! She’s such a sweet girl, so selfless!”

“I didn’t come here to be insulted!”

“Then why did you?” he shot back.

“Your grandmother invited me!”

“But you knew there’d be a chance of finding me here! You knew the risk!”

“I did,” she admitted. “And I told myself that if I did, I would take off running.”

“Well you’ve not made a run for it, have you?”

She groaned in annoyance.

“And you know why that is?”

“Enlighten me!”

“Because you know this is where you belong.” He lowered his voice. “You know you’re meant to be here with me during all this, not running about in America.”

“You don’t –”

“It’s been a decade,” he told her. “But don’t you dare pretend this is all over and done with. You said it was back at Harvard. Remember? Ya told me that was it. That we were done. But that wasn’t it – was it?”

“I don’t have to listen to this.”

“Then leave!”

“I will then!”

And she fully intended to, but she couldn’t bring herself to actually do so.

“What are you waiting for?” he asked her. “Ya said you were leaving so leave. Go on!” With his eyes he dared her to go, but she didn’t. “Ya can’t. Can you? And you know why that is. It’s the reason why you didn’t want me looking at your face.”

Her eyes narrowed in defiance.

“You were afraid that if I saw this scar.” And he lifted his right hand to her face. He ran his finger tips across the scar, and when she shuddered, he knew he was in the clear. “I wouldn’t love you anymore. That I’d think you deformed. But you stubborn arse, you should know better than to think that. I’ll have you however it is that you’ll let me. And you know this. You know how I feel about you. How I’ve always felt. So don’t pretend ya don’t love me. Don’t you pretend you don’t want me, because if you didn’t, you would’ve left by now.”

She had to say something, somehow convince him that he was full of shit and that the grief had him saying things that he didn’t actually mean. She had to do that or better yet, she had to take off in a sprint, because that would be the simplest way of ending things, but she couldn’t run and what she was able to say, wasn’t that convincing an argument. Not to him.

“I have a boyfriend,” was what she was able to muster.

“To hell with him.”

And he took her face between his hands and kissed her.