Hollow Body Got a Hold on Me

Stormy's POV:

The first thing I notice when I wake up, is that I am alive; I woke up.
Shit.
Then, I notice that my forearms are heavily bandaged, and I'm lying on a bed, in the infirmary.
I hear hushed voices, just outside my door.
One of the voices belongs to Eric.
I groan, and pull myself into a sitting position, wincing at the pain in my arms.
Eric must have heard me, because the next the thing I know, he is at my side, looking furious.
"Why would you do that?! What were you thinking? Were you trying to fucking kill yourself?!" he shouts, pulling at his short hair in exasperation.

His outburst surprised me; I don't want him to be angry at me.
I just sit there for a minute, with my lips parted, while he looks at me expectantly.
"Yeah, I was," I say quietly.
It's the truth.
"Why?" he says, his voice breaking slightly.
I feel really bad.
I wasn't trying to hurt anybody, least of all him.
I really do care for him, even if I don't entirely understand what my feelings towards him, are.
"I can't let them see," I say, honestly. "They'll think I'm weak. I can't stay here if they see... that. I may as well be factionless. I'd rather die than be factionless, or humiliated like that."
I can see the hurt in his eyes, but I also see understanding.

He sighs, rather loudly, and closes his eyes for a moment, sitting down on the edge of the bed.
"Stormy," he starts, looking down, momentarily.
"Kaitlynn." He looks me in the eyes now.
"Look, nobody's going to think you're weak because you were raped. Nobody's going to think less of you for it. If anything, they would see how strong you are. You've been to hell, and back again, and you're still standing; still fighting."

I look down at my arms.
Yeah, right.
I may have been fighting, before, but now... well, trying to kill yourself is the same as giving up.
Calling it quits.
The coward's way out.
"I- I'm sorry," I say quietly. "I'm not Dauntless. I'm afraid."

"To be Dauntless, doesn't mean that you're never scared," Eric says gently, as he takes my hand in his large ones. "It just means that, in the face of fear, you keep going. To be Dauntless, means to never give up, and never give in to your fear. Sure, I mean, that's impossible, right? Everybody falls apart, occasionally; it's just human nature. But, we strive to be courageous, even if we don't always succeed."
Okay.
I actually feel better now.
How does he do this to me?
He makes everything seem so simple.
Not necessarily easy, but simple, and I can make simple work in my favor.

"Yeah," I say, looking in his eyes. "You're completely right. I-, I guess I just lost it, for a little bit."
Eric smiles softly, but it doesn't reach his eyes, and it looks kind of sad.
"Just, please, if you feel like you're gonna fall apart again, find me, okay? Don't try to kill youself, please? I can't handle it."
My heart hurt at the honesty in his eyes, and the pain in his voice.
I've hurt him; again.
I make a silent promise to myself, to never be the reason for his pain again.
I keep my promises.
"I promise," I say softly.

******************************************************************************

Eight hours later

Stormy's POV:

I've gone in last, during our officially scheduled practices, every day, since stage two began; this, is the first, and only, day of stage three. Eric tells me that I am going first.
Shit.
I feel my entire body shaking, and my knees are bumping together, and my teeth are chattering.
Eric comes up behind me, and places a hand lightly on my back, and he leans in close to whisper in my ear.
"You can do this, Stormy. I have faith in you."
And then, he's gone.

I enter the fear landscape room, and it is entirely different from what we practiced with.
Four is waiting for me, off to the side.
I look up, and see the five leaders of Dauntless, Eric included, sitting at a glass table through a large window.
The room that I am in is white, and very large.
There is no chair.
No computers.

I approach Four, and he's holding a needle.
"This is gonna be a little different from the simulations you practiced in. This serum is going to bring your fear to life, in this room, with radio transmitters. Everybody is going to see everything you do, and the people you're with, and the environment you are in, from a third person point of view, alright? You can do this, Stormy," he says the last part so quietly, I know that I'm the only one who can hear it.
"Be brave, girl."
And he injects my neck with the silver liquid.

I open my eyes, but I'm no longer sitting in the metal chair.
I turn around slowly, taking in my surroundings.
I'm outside the fence.
I hear growling all around me; growing louder, and louder.
I can't see anything.
I've gone blind, but I still hear the growling. I take two, deep breaths, and I'm back inside the fence.
There is no more growling.

I'm at Erudite.
I'm in my room.
My mother and father are standing just inside the doorway, arguing. 'That's it?' I think. I'm supposed to be afraid of this?
I sit down on my bed, and examine my fingernails, intently.
"I'm talking to you, you little bitch!" my father screams, in my face.
I jump to stand up; I can tell Dad's been drinking, again.
He grabs my arm pulling me back, his face inches from mine.
"I didn't tell you t'move, did I?" he slurs out.
He slaps me, hard enough that my vision goes blurry; temporarily.
I bare my teeth in a wicked grin; this part is rather fun.
I send an uppercut to his nose, hearing the bone crunch, and feeling it give way, as it pierces his brain.

I'm in Dauntless, now.
I'm standing in front of the mirror, in the showers in the initiates’ dorm.
I see my reflection, holding a knife.
I look down at my hand, but I'm not holding a knife.
My reflection smirks at me, and drags the blade down her left wrist; then her right wrist.
She cuts deep.
I look down at my arms, and see blood flowing out from my flesh; the knife is in my hand, now.
I look back up, as my reflection slowly raises the knife to my throat.
I quickly stab my reflection in the mirror, the glass shattering, into thousands of tiny pieces.

I'm standing in a field, now.
The sun glints off the knee-high grass, and I laugh.
I am happy here.
All of a sudden, the sky turns from pale blue, to a dark purple, mixed with angry red, and black.
The wind picks up from a cool breeze, to heavy, hot gusts.
Lightning strikes the ground about ten feet in front of me, catching my beautiful grass alight.
The fire surrounds me, now.
I have nowhere to go; I'm trapped by the fire.
I calm my breathing down, and walk determinedly, into the fire.

There's something in my mouth, and hands are all over my body.
I try to scream, but I can't. There are three people dragging me from my bed.
Come on, wake up.
Wake up.
This isn't a dream; this is real. I don't know what to do. I don't have enough training for this, yet.
Maybe they just want to kill me; I can handle that.
I still struggle against my attackers. I feel cold air hit my exposed legs, and droplets of water hit my flesh.
We are at the Chasm.
"What, are we gonna kill her?" one of my attackers shouts.
"No!" says another. "We're just gonna fuck her up and make her factionless!"
Factionless?
No...
I try to scream, and I'm thrashing around but, it's three against one, and they're at least as trained as I am.
I don't stand a chance.
I'm going to be factionless.
"Just because you've caused me so much stress, and trouble, I'm gonna take a little recreation out on you. Who knows, you might even enjoy it," he says with a snarl, and a dark chuckle.
Something inside me snaps, then, and when he goes to punch my face, I turn my head to the side, and hear his knuckles crack as his fist collides with the rail by my head.
I take the opportunity to kick him back away from me, and I jump off into the darkness of the Chasm.

I am walking in the shadows, but there is a little light from the street lamps, highlighting my path.
I am cold, as I didn't have time to grab a jacket tonight; I was pushed out the door, after all.
I think I will start a fire in the hearth, when I arrive at my safe haven.
I hear something rustling on my right.
I stop.
I squint my eyes to see down the dark alleyway.
There are three figures hunched down in the shadows.
This is unusual; I might be in the factionless part of town but, I rarely run into any of the factionless.
"Hi there, Sweetheart!" one of them calls out to me, as they stand to their feet.
I pivot around to run away, but there is a another man behind me.
"Excuse me," I say as politely as I am able, the fear thick in my voice. "I was just going home."
"What's the rush, Darlin'?" another one drawls. He has clearly been drinking, by the smell of alcohol emanating from his person.
None of these men are old, but none of them are as young as I am, either; they’re probably in their early to mid twenties.
And they are all big; they tower over me.
I feel trapped.
I am trapped.
"Dustin, you going first tonight?" the man that was behind me said.
"Damn right I am, Eddie!" Dustin sang, coming way too close for comfort.
I try to move away, again, but I am trapped by the four men surrounding me, and one of them, Dustin, is actively advancing towards me.
I duck down, trying to make a run for it under their legs.
It's no use.
The one called Eddie grabs my pony tail, and hauls me back onto my feet, spinning me around. He wraps an arm around my neck, and presses himself into my back, as I squirm.
"Alright fella’s, this one ain't cooperatin'! Romy, Samson, grab a leg! I got 'er arms!"
I feel my stomach drop, and I begin to kick out at the two factionless men reaching for my legs. My foot caught one of the men in the stomach, but my offense didn't go any further than that.
Eddie punched me in the head, and my vision went blurry; I was disoriented.
This was not good.
I barely registered who had which leg, only that one minute I was fighting to break away from their grasp and, the next, I was completely incapable of moving.
I blinked my eyes a few times and then Dustin was in my face.
He was touching my hair, my face and my lips.
It was then that I realized; I've been trying to fight my way out of this, but I'm not able, too.
I close my eyes, and slow my breathing down.

I look down at the ground, and Dustin is dead.
There was a boy from Erudite fighting the other three men like an animal.
I thought to myself, that he must have been the one who killed Dustin.
He was putting up a good fight, but I could tell that he was not trained to fight, and these factionless men were, at least, experienced.
I don't want to leave the Erudite boy to get injured but, logically, if I stay here, those men will finish what they started with me.
I turn away, about to make a run for it, when I stop.
I turn around, and take a deep breath.
I run back, the way I came.
There is the Erudite boy, in front of me, still fighting.
He catches my eye, and is momentarily distracted.
He turns from Jai, into Eric, in an instant, and, somehow, that is scarier.
Samson lunges out, and drags the knife down his chest, over his ribs where his heart is, and he screams, dropping to the ground to his knees.
The same man kicks him in the face, and Eric is on the ground, on his back.
I don't take time to think about what I'm going to do, or how I could possibly stop three men.
I just attack.

"I did it," I whisper, to myself, as the dark alley turns into the white room, once again.

I look up to see Eric, appearing nauseated, and gripping the arms of his chair so tightly that his knuckles have turned white.
He looks like he might faint.
I offer him a small smile, and wave as I turn to exit the room, the sound of applause heard loudly once I open the door.

Eric's POV:

This is hard to watch.
I try to make myself believe that she can do this, but I'm faltering in my belief.
She's so far into the fear, I don't see how she can possibly stop this from happening.
But then she does.
And, then, I see myself; my younger self.

I'm grateful that I'm not recognizable to anyone here; until she stops, and turns around at the sound of my screaming.
I turn from Erudite Jai, into Dauntless Eric, in the blink of an eye. They've cut me.
I feel a sharp pressure in my chest, from my scar; remembering the pain from that night.
I see myself lying on the ground, and I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, that all of Dauntless is about to see my deepest, darkest secret; but, they don't.

It never happens.
Stormy attacked them, and overcame her fears; all of them.
I am relieved, and I can tell she is shocked that she did it.
I really don't want to sit in here for the rest of the landscapes; I feel like I might vomit.
I feel eyes on me, and I turn to see the other leaders staring at me.

This isn't the first time they've all seen this; Max and Dread have seen it before, swearing secrecy.
But, I wasn't able to overcome my last fear.
It was why I ranked second to Four.
They saw the whole thing last year; and they saw me fail to overcome my deepest fear.
I am not staying in here another minute.
I get up, and walk out quickly, their eyes following me as I leave.