Chapters of a Shockingly Average Teenage Life

College

On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm about to lose my fucking shit. I can just feel it coming on. I was sitting in my room with my friend and everything was good and we were drinking and laughing. But earlier that night everything was NOT good. I was driving around the town, going to the spot where I can see downtown, and calling American boy, we'll call him Howard. Howard's phone is off so what do I do? Text him. Because I'm a stupid shit. What do I say? "I wanna see you tonight." I did that sober. What happened to me wanting to be the bitch in charge? I mean I guess that is kind of in charge but like... making the decisions not begging for a hookup.

I get back to my house and he calls me. At this point I'm already drunk, but I manage to sneak out of my house anyway and go to the parking lot of my school (which is across the street). We're hooking up and he tells me I should be drunk more often because I'm "sexier".. backhanded compliment? He gives me this weird ass looking hickey and I deny him sex once again because it just didn't feel right.

But apparently the no sex didn't feel right to him because after that night he just didn't bother to text or call me again. He just.. went to college. And -BOOM- just like that it's like it never fucking happened. I'm a little anxious to see if he'll try to call me during a break or if he'll be satisfied with his college life. At the same time, I hope he doesn't call me because that is an emotional rollercoaster and a nervous breakdown in and of itself. Everything ends. This just happened to end before it really got started.

But now it's like I spent two years of my life going to football games and basketball games and joining the crew team just to see him* and now what was I going to do with my time? It doesn't seem real how quickly the carpet can be pulled out from under me.. and now here I am with no one to drunkenly call and make out with (that was a sad sentence, my keyboard shed a tear). I still remember the first time we met up.. We made out on a playground in a neighborhood park. He was nervous.. I remember he kept getting up and pacing around and apologizing for not being able to hold conversation... And we just made out that first time.. It may be my favorite time for that reason. Nothing had really been tested yet, there was no competition at who could act the coolest about all this stuff, it was simple. But nothing about him is simple, especially not the way I feel about him. I like to tell myself I feel nothing but I found it hard to convince myself that when I was crying for a day straight because I realized he went to college without saying goodbye because he never gave a damn about me. The whole time I was hoping he would feel something for me more than sex, but it was never more than sex. Sex was his goal and (even though he didn't get it) it was all he wanted from me. I wonder if he knows I'm not "one of those girls" at heart... I just act stupidly. I wanted him a certain way, but he wanted me a different way so I took him anyway I could have him.

I wanted him a certain way, but he wanted me a different way. I took him anyway I could have him.

And now I feel like a piece of me has been taken. Each time I come away from one of these destructive sex-lationships.. I look at myself like I'm even less worthy of love, which only makes it easier to slip into the next one.

Have fun at college.

*Obviously he's not the only reason I did these things.. but was the chance of running into him a plus? Yes. YEs. YES.