Love Me Until My Heart Stops

Quietly closing the door of her apartment, Esmé sniffed, resting her back against it for a moment. She felt terrible, leaving Gerard as she had had been needless and unfair, but she simply couldn’t face it. She couldn’t face the notion that he wanted more of her so soon after the last man she had trusted so completely had tossed it back in her face. It wasn’t fair to him, looking at him in the same way she now looked at her ex, but she simply couldn’t handle it. It was too much, too soon, and she couldn’t handle it. She couldn’t understand how he could possibly want to say anything like that to her.

“Esmé, is that you?” Delia’s voice called, causing Esmé to stiffen a little. In her haste to get away from Gerard, she had completely forgotten that her mother had opted to stay the night with her before travelling back to her own home a couple of hours outside of the city in the morning. Wiping her eyes, she tried to calm her breathing before Delia stepped into the hallway, her eyes widening. “Sweetheart, what the hell happened?” she posed.

Esmé shook her head. “It’s nothing” she mumbled, wiping her eyes with her sleeve “Nothing at all” she added.

Delia rolled her eyes. “You’re crying, Esmeralda, and you don’t tend to cry for no good reason, at least not since your papi left, so cut the crap. Did something happen with Cesc?” she posed. It was the most logical conclusion, that Cesc had somehow upset her again, but she could already tell that it was something else. She hadn’t cried over Cesc in days and was unlikely to start bawling over a simple text. Esmé sniffled, but shook her head. There was no sense denying things to her mother. “Esmé, please, you’re starting to concern me. Do you want me to call Gerard?” Delia posed.

“No” Esmé shot back quickly, too quickly.

Delia frowned. “Esmeralda” she noted “Did something happen with Gerard?” she enquired.

Esmé shifted a little, her teeth chewing on her lip.

“Esmé…”

“He told me he had that he had feelings for me” Esmé interjected, her voice choking up a little.

Delia stepped back, visibly shocked. “He…He said that?” she whispered.

Esmé wiped her eyes, but nodded her head, smiling ironically. “He told me that he thought he was falling in love with me, that he wanted a shot with me and I ran away from him. He was so vulnerable, mama, you should have seen him” she rambled, her chest clenching as the image of his tearful face flashed through her head. It had hurt, the look on his face, but even that hadn’t been enough to convince her. No matter what she thought of him, she couldn’t get the words out to tell him that she felt the same. She just couldn’t say it.

Delia stepped towards her, brushing the dark hair out of her eyes. “You ran away from him?” she posed gently.

“I…I couldn’t do anything else” Esmé defended, her voice shaking.

Delia sighed. “Sweetheart, surely you must have seen this coming” she murmured, combing her fingers through her daughter’s hair “That boy marvels at you like you’re the most amazing thing he’s ever seen and everyone knows it” she encouraged.

“I didn’t” Esmé returned, her voice rising a little.

“Ok” Delia mused, trying to calm her down a little “So he caught you off guard, but you must have had something to say to him. Esmé, it’s Gerard” she reasoned, brushing some of the tears off of her daughter’s face.

Esmé thought for a second before shook her head. “What am I meant to have said, mama? He’s Cesc’s best friend, my best friend, how could I say anything to him?” she posed.

Delia shook her head. Sometimes, Esmé could be a little blind to her feelings. “Esmé, you never stop talking about him, never” she smiled.

“And?” Esmé replied.

“You light up around him. He can make you laugh like nobody else I have ever known. He’s the only one you went to after things with Cesc ended” Delia noted, her eyes mirroring her daughter’s which were growing more and more tearful with each word. “Think about it, Esmé, you could have come to me, Ella, Eloisa, but you went to him. He’s your security blanket, the one person you feel safest with and if that isn’t having feelings for the man, then I don’t know what is. You adore him” she explained.

Esmé listened to each of her mother’s words before she shook her head. “He’s my friend, my best friend, that doesn’t mean I love him” she muttered.

“Esmeralda” Delia mused, squeezing her daughter’s shoulder softly “You can deny it to him, to yourself, but everyone else knows it. You have feelings for him” she pointed out.

“No” Esmé fought back “How could I? He’s just Gerard” she added.

“He’s not ‘just Gerard’, sweetheart. He’s the best thing you have” Delia smiled fondly.

“No” Esmé returned “Cesc was, he was the one I loved” she refuted.

Delia shook her head. “He never made you smile like you have in the last couple of weeks. You were happy with him, but I think a part of you has probably always belonged to Gerard” she explained.

“Why would I stay with Cesc if I had any sort of feeling for Gerard? Why would I hesitate now if I had feelings for him? Mama, it doesn’t make sense. I can’t love him, if I did, surely I would have jumped at the chance when he put it down in front of me?” Esmé rambled.

Delia shrugged. “Denial” she quipped.

Esmé shook her head. “I can’t love him, mama” she murmured “I can’t. He’s Gerard, he’s the goofy idiot I met on my first day of work, I can’t love him” she insisted before she stepped past her mother, leaving Delia stood in the hall as she made her way towards her bedroom. The older woman watched her daughter go before she shook her head. It was going to take a lot to make Esmé see it, she belonged with Gerard, and Delia didn’t quite know how she could make it clear. The defender was sweet, he worshiped the ground that Esmé walked upon and was sure to not behave like Cesc had. Gerard could never take Esmé for granted, he cared too much for that, but making Esmé see it wasn’t going to be easy. She had it in her head that she couldn’t be in love with him and Delia, who knew her better than most, knew it was going to take something major to prove she could, to prove that she already did.