Love Me Until My Heart Stops

15: Don’t Hold Out On Me

Making her way up the corridor towards her room, Esmé sighed a little, tired after what had been a rather tense match. It had been harder than she had thought it would be, Barcelona had found themselves up against a spirited and tireless defense who had worked hard to keep out the attacking line, but she was pleased with the outcome, a 1-0 win to start the campaign was not a bad thing and she was sure that performances would come as they grew more and more into the campaign.

Yawning, she pulled the keycard from her pocket and unlocked the door, stepping inside quietly. It was a little late, after the match, Enrique had asked her to ensure that everything was in place for their return trip to Barcelona as well as making sure that the team made it back to the hotel, and she was merely glad to be back in her room. She wanted to get her head down for a little while. Padding towards the bed, she collected her hold-all, setting it on the mattress.

“You took your time getting back here”

Esmé jumped, her hand resting over her chest as Gerard’s voice filled the air. “How the hell did you get in here?” she muttered, trying to calm her erratic breathing.

Gerard smiled. “I told them that you’d given me your bag to put in here but that you’d lost your keycard. They didn’t ask too many questions” he explained softly, his hand scratching the back of his neck sheepishly “I also knew you might not open the door if you knew it was me” he added, his eyes searching her features.

Esmé shook her head. “I’d have opened the door, Gerard” she replied, shifting her feet nervously “I just didn’t think you’d come here” she added, trying desperately not to crumble ahead of him. It was the longest they had spoken for since ‘that’ night and Esmé wasn’t quite sure how to cope with it. The distance, as hard as it had been to cope with, seemed a far better alternative to standing in front of him, unaware of what was going through his head.

“I didn’t think that I would either” Gerard admitted, shifting gently and placing his hands in his pockets “But then I saw you earlier, with Luis and Leo, and I knew that I had to do something. We need to talk, Esmé” he mused, not looking at her.

Esmé swallowed. “Do we really?” she posed.

Gerard nodded. “We do. We can’t keep going on like this, pretending that the other doesn’t exist, it’s too hard” he protested gently.

“It seemed better than the alternative” Esmé replied, moving to sit down “I can’t pretend that you didn’t say those things to me, Geri” she noted gently.

Gerard sighed and moved towards her, setting her bag on the floor so that he could sit at her side. “I am not asking you to pretend that I didn’t say it” he murmured “I am asking you to talk to me, Esmé. I just want to understand why you ran off like you did” he murmured gently. He knew why she hadn’t said it back, in retrospect, he had said it far too soon, but he just wanted to know why she had run off. He wanted to know if he was such a terrible option.

Esmé fiddled with her hands, her teeth nibbling on her lip. “I shouldn’t have done that” she whispered.

“Why did you?” he enquired, ducking his head to catch the stare of her eyes.

Esmé shrugged. “I don’t know” she admitted gently “Things seemed to get the better of me and I ran away from you, the last person I should have pushed away. You said lovely things, Gerard, it’s a knack of yours, but then, I couldn’t process it. I didn’t understand how you, of all people, could say that to me” she rambled.

Gerard smiled. “Because I have been wanting to say it to you for a while” he noted kindly “Esmé, you know that I like being around you, I’ve never made a secret of that, and recently, in particular since your break up with Cesc, I’ve felt very close to you. I can behave like myself around you, I don’t have to pretend to be something I am not, and I like being like that. I like being able to laugh and joke with you, but at the same time, I like being the person you turn to when you need someone to rely upon. I didn’t want to upset you by admitting that I would like something a little more from this” he explained gently.

“You’re Cesc’s friend” Esmé whispered.

“I’m more yours” Gerard responded “And I don’t want him to be the reason you’re not going to give me a shot. You can’t expect that he is sitting at home right now, not thinking about moving on” he added. It was a little harsh, but it was something she needed to hear. There was no way Cesc was waiting on her and she needed to get the notion out of her head, he’d hurt her once and was bound to do it again when it emerged that he had moved on.

Esmé flinched, something which caused Gerard to take her hand, squeezing it softly. “You can’t hold back because of him, Esmé” he whispered.

“But what if I hurt you?” Esmé posed gently.

Gerard shook his head. “You don’t have to do a thing if you don’t want to, but I would like you to do one thing for me. I want you to look at me, straight in the face, and tell me that we don’t have a shot. I want you to look me in the eye and tell me how you feel” he asked gently. He was under no illusions, things with Esmé, if they were to happen at all, were going to happen slowly, but he wanted her to tell him that there was a shot. He didn’t want to get his hopes up on nothing.

“Gerard…”

“I am not asking for an ‘I love you’ Esmé, I know that you’re still caught up on him, but I am asking you to be honest with me, like I was honest with you” Gerard interrupted softly.

Esmé swallowed before she turned her eyes, her eyes looking at his face which looked even better in the dim light afforded to them by the bedside lamp. Eyeing his features, she drew her tongue across her lips and breathed deeply. “I can’t say that I haven’t thought about it” she mused, each word calculated and meticulous. “After that first night, I admit, I did wonder what would have happened if you didn’t stop us. In that moment, I wanted you, but that was my crazy post-breakup brain putting my feelings for Cesc onto you. Gerard, you are, without a doubt, the most wonderful man I have ever met. You’re warm, kind, and so considerate, and it isn’t unfeasible that part of me does look at you the way you’re looking at me right now, but I can’t put you through it” she whispered “I can’t ask you to put up with me so soon after Cesc, it isn’t fair” she whispered, her eyes staring into his.

Gerard listened to each of her words before he did what appeared to be the most logical thing, he leant over and kissed her. Esmé startled, she had expected him to react more negatively, but she couldn’t fight against it. Other than the words he had said to her, the way he had kissed her had been stuck on her mind for days and she wasn’t about to reject the chance to do it again. Leaning back a little, she rested against the mattress, moving him along with her. “I would consider it my pleasure to put up with you, Esmé” Gerard murmured, ducking down to kiss her once more.

“Gerard, I am nowhere near getting over him” she protested gently, a small whimper falling out of her mouth as his hands moved over her, starting to work at the button on her shirt.

Gerard smiled a little. “Let me help you” he mused, opening her shirt “Let me show you that there is more to the world than moping about a man who was too blind to see that he had the perfect thing under his nose” he muttered, his index finger tracing a line from her throat to the top of her jeans. Esmé’s breath choked a little in her throat before she gave him a little nod, causing him to smile down at her.

All he wanted was a shot at showing her that he would not be her biggest mistake.
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Thanks to Jayme112234 and Hockeykid40 for the comments :)