Love Me Until My Heart Stops

Fidgeting, Esmé sat on the end of her bed, her brown eyes peeking at the picture of her and Gerard that the defender had placed on the wall. It had been a long night, after the game against Getafe, they’d made the trip back to Barcelona, not wanting to hang around in Madrid for too long, but it felt like years. Gerard hadn’t said a word, he’d barely looked at her all night and had even opted to sit away from her on the coach, and it was starting to drive Esmé crazy. He was upset, seeing Cesc’s name on her phone had gotten to him, and Esmé just wanted him to say. Yelling, at that moment in time, seemed to be a better alternative to the bizarre sensation of Gerard’s silent treatment. Pushing a hand through her hair, she watched as her bedroom door inched open, allowing Gerard to step inside, the most serious look he’d ever worn around her fixed onto his face. “Gerard” she murmured.

“No” the defender responded, lifting his hand to signal his want for her to be quiet “You don’t talk right now, I do” he added.

Esmé nodded her head. “Alright” she agreed gently.

Gerard nodded his head stoutly before he moved to pace the room, his blue eyes glancing at the brunette who sat ahead of him. “I can put up with a lot of things, Esmeralda” he mumbled, trying not to let her presence blur the words he had thought out carefully on the journey home “I can understand that you’re going to get a little tearful once and a while over him, that you’re going to miss him for a while, I know the feelings well, but I cannot fathom why you’d call him after 3 months. It just doesn’t make sense to me, Esmé” he noted.

“I…”

“No” Gerard cut her off, a frown firmly fixed on his face “Listen” he added, earning another nod. “I have tried to make you feel better, Esmé, I have worked my ass off trying to show you that there is more to life than moping over a self-centered moron who cared more about his petty little problems than he did about you, and I just want to understand. I know that today is hard on you, trust me I know, but I cannot, for the life of me, rationalize you calling him” he mumbled “I have tried, Esmé, I have tried to convince myself that it was nothing, but it isn’t, is it?” he mumbled.

Esmé sighed. “He texted” she mumbled “He wanted to wish me a happy anniversary, so I called him and told him to back off” she explained.

“You could have just ignored it” Gerard muttered, his arms folding over his chest “You could have tossed the phone out of the window for all I care, but you called him and he made you cry, again. I can’t…I can’t explain it” he spluttered, trying his hardest not to get upset “Look at me, Esmé, tell me what happened” he rambled, kneeling down on the ground ahead of her. Esmé sniffled, not for one second liking the expression on his face, before she swallowed.

“He wants me to go to London” she whispered gently, her hand wiping away a few loose tears that had snuck out of her eyes “He wants me to tell him, face to face, that we’re done with and I…I”

“You’re kidding” Gerard breathed out, his head shaking softly.

“I want to get this over with” Esmé reasoned.

Gerard scoffed. “You cannot be that naïve” he shot, tilting his head back in exasperation.

“Gerard…”

“He’s worming his way back in, Esmé” the defender almost yelled, controlling himself just as the words fell out of his mouth “He’s playing you. He just wants you there so that he can put the moves on you and convince you to give him another shot. He wants you there because he knows, without me, you’d fall over yourself to get back with him” he hissed.

“You don’t think I know that?” Esmé shot back, her voice high in anger, but it wasn’t directed at Gerard. It was directed at herself for having fallen for Cesc’s tricks. “You don’t think that I am aware of precisely what he’s doing?” she muttered.

“Then why are you letting him do it?” Gerard returned, his expression tightening.

Esmé swallowed, something which made the defender scoff. “You still want him?” he posed.

Esmé shook her head. “No” she insisted.

Gerard shook his head. “Then why? Esmé, what we have here, it’s wonderful and I cannot fathom why on earth you’d want to mess that up over him. Am I not good enough?” he posed, his expression softening slightly as he looked down at her.

“Of course you are” Esmé replied, her hands finding his and squeezing them gently “Gerard, you know precisely what I feel for you” she added.

“Then why are you going?” the defender posed.

Esmé sighed gently. “I need to” she whispered.

“You really don’t” Gerard muttered “Trust me, the last thing you need to do is go back. You’ll start second guessing the choice you made, every choice you’ve made since you ended things and then…then he wins and I lose you. I understand that you have some feelings for him that might not ever go away, but if you go there, Esmé, I fear that you won’t come back to me” he mumbled.

Esmé shook her head, her hands gently landing on his cheeks. “That’s not true” she whispered “Gerard, I love you” she mumbled, kissing his forehead gently.

“You love him too” the defender mumbled “And possibly, you love him more because he came first” he added.

Esmé offered another defiant shake of her head, pressing another affectionate kiss against his warm skin. “I swear to you, it’s not the same anymore. I don’t feel the same way about him anymore” she insisted.

Gerard closed his eyes a little as she kissed him. “You’re still going to go?” he mumbled.

Esmé nodded. “I need to” she repeated gently.

“I can’t change your mind?” he mumbled, shifting a little so that he was sat on the bed beside her, his hand gripping hers.

“Gerard, I need to get it out of my system. I need to be able to say that I am done with him” she whispered, squeezing his hand gently.

Gerard sighed. “Promise me that you won’t make the mistake he did” he murmured, causing her to look him in the eye.

“You think…”

“Just promise me, Esmé” he murmured, flicking his stare towards the carpeted floor. He didn’t want to accuse her, it wasn’t fair, but he wanted her word. If she could break a promise to him, then there was no sense in keeping her around.

Esmé noted the tone in his voice and nodded her head. “I promise you, Geri” she whispered “I won’t make that mistake” she added.

Gerard nodded his head slowly before he looked down at her. “When do you go?” he posed.

“As soon as I can” she returned “I want it over and done with” she reasoned.

Gerard nodded his head. “When you come back, you should come and live with me” he proposed.

Esmé frowned.

“If you’re serious about all of this, putting him behind you and moving forwards with me, then I see no need to mess around more. We’ve been friends for years, even if we have only been dating 13 weeks, and I would like it if you came to live with me. We’re not getting younger, Esmé, and I would like something to show for a relationship that I take very seriously” he reasoned.

Esmé mulled his words over for a second before she nodded. “I think I would like that” she mused, offering his hand another squeeze.

Gerard quirked a weak smile before he gently place a kiss on her lips, wordlessly hoping that it wouldn’t be the last.