Love Me Until My Heart Stops

49: What Are We Doing?

“Gerard?” Esmé mused gently as she stepped out into their garden, her brown eyes landing on the defender who sat on the patio, his eyes staring a little way off into the distance. He had been quiet, since they’d gotten home, he’d barely said two words and it was starting to bother Esmé. She knew that it got to him, his face was a giveaway any time the word ‘Cesc’ entered conversation, but she wanted him to know that it shouldn’t have been. 7 months with Gerard had been more than enough to convince her that she only wanted him and no amount of Cesc’s presence was going to change her mind, even if there were still a few lingering and complicated emotions, she wasn’t interested in giving up everything she had forged with Gerard for him. “Are you not getting a little cold?” she added as she closed the screen door, moving to sit at his side.

Gerard shook his head. “I’m plenty warm enough” he mused, pulling at a loose thread on his shoelace “What are you doing out here?” he added.

“I came to check on you” Esmé noted “You’ve not been yourself since we got home and I wanted to make sure that you’re doing OK” she explained, her hand moving to lace its fingers with his. Gerard watched her fingers, noting the perfection of the way that they fitted through his own, before he let out a small sigh. He was getting ahead of himself, for all he knew, Cesc had little intention of causing them a problem, but that didn’t mean it didn’t bother him. He knew that he had no reason to be concerned, Esmé had made her feelings remarkably clear, but still he worried. He would always worry when it came to Cesc and Esmé.

“You know that it doesn’t matter, don’t you?” Esmé mused, breaking the somewhat uncomfortable silence that had settled around them.

“I know” Gerard replied softly “I know that you don’t feel the same way about him as you did before, and that you love me, but it still bothers me, Esmé. I know that it shouldn’t, you’re not going to make the mistake he did and hurt me like that, but it doesn’t take away the fact that you once did love him. It’s a stupid and petty thing to think, but I worry about it, the idea of you changing your mind and I can’t seem to stop it” he rambled, his eyes staring out at the grass which was ahead of them. He knew that it was idiotic, Esmé wasn’t simply going to wake up one morning and decide that she wanted to get back together with her ex, but still it bothered him. In his mind, Cesc was a perfect match for her and the only reason that they weren’t together was his night with Emily.

Esmé sighed. “What can I do to convince you that that isn’t the case, Geri?” she posed softly, her dark eyes peeking up at his face.

Gerard shrugged. “It’s been 7 months and I still can’t get it out of my head. I don’t know if you can convince me” he explained gently.

“You know that I love you” Esmé noted, her thumb brushing over his hand gently.

“Sometimes, I worry that you only do because he fucked up” Gerard admitted, turning his head so that he looked down at her.

Esmé blinked. “Gerard…”

“I know” he interrupted, letting out a small frustrated breath “I know it’s ridiculous. You live with me, we’re engaged for crying out loud, but I can’t stop it. I know that if it wasn’t for that night with Emily, then you’d be in London right now with him, engaged to him and not to me, and it is something I can’t seem to get out of my head. I hate it, the fact you dated him first, and I wish I could pretend that you didn’t, but I can’t. I hate knowing he touched you like I do, that he kissed you like I do, and that he had the feelings I do for you” he rambled.

Esmé swallowed. “If this was such a problem for you, why did you make a move on me?” she whispered, staring down at her feet.

“Because I love you” Gerard replied simply “Because in spite of all of those concerns, when I look at you, the world seems to slow down and I haven’t felt that before” he noted.

Esmé nodded her head gently before she peeked down at their hands, her brown eyes catching sight of the engagement ring she wore. “Do you trust me?” she whispered.

“Without a shadow of a doubt” Gerard replied swiftly “Esmé, I know in my heart of hearts that you’re not going to hurt me, that you and he are over and that you want to be with me, but I am still insecure. I know that it was because one moment, one second, that you’re not with him now and it bothers me, even if it shouldn’t” he explained gently.

Esmé sighed. “You need to learn to stop it getting at you, amor” she whispered as she quietly moved back to her feet, helping him up alongside her “I know how you are, it’s not a surprise to me, but these ideas could one day get the better of you and I don’t want that to happen. You’re right, it is because of one moment that I am not with him, but that moment happened and the consequences happened too. It is possible that if it hadn’t then things would have been different, but it did, and they aren’t. I am with you, Gerard, I am yours and if you can’t get that through your skull then I don’t know what we are doing. I love you, these last 7 months should have been enough to convince you of that, and I worry about these insecurities. I don’t know what more I have to do to show you that I don’t want him, that I don’t love him” she explained.

Gerard shrugged. “I don’t know” he replied softly “I really don’t” he added.

Esmé shook her head, wiping her eyes a little. “You need to talk to him” she murmured.

“I am not doing that” Gerard snorted.

“You need to talk to him, you need to get the closure I did about this. You don’t trust us, Gerard, you don’t trust that this is real and until you talk to him and know that he’s not a threat to you, the more of these moments we’re going to have. You doubt me, you doubt us, and I can’t keep going on like this. One moment we’re wonderful, but as soon as the word Cesc is mentioned, you become this insecure mess and I can’t stand it. I know what it is like, Gerard, not thinking you’re enough, but I have told you time and time again that you are. You’re more than I thought I wanted and I wouldn’t trade that for anything, but I can’t keep having this conversation with you. You need to talk to him, to get the closure I did, because if you don’t, then I don’t know who we are kidding” she whispered before she turned on her heel, making her way inside.

Gerard stared after her, a little shaken by her words, before he closed his eyes. He knew that she was right, they couldn’t keep having the same conversation time and time again, and he knew that he had to talk to Cesc. He needed to get it into his head that things were different, that Cesc had made his mistake and that Esmé had made her decision, or else he knew he faced losing her.
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Thanks to petitmonstre, Jayme112234 and FootieJo for the comments :)