Love Me Until My Heart Stops

“Did you want a lift home?” Gerard posed as he stood in the doorway of Esmé’s office, his blue eyes glancing down at the brunette who was quietly working at her desk. It had been a few days since they’d talked about Cesc for what felt like the hundredth time, but since they’d had the conversation, things hadn’t quiet been the same. Esmé was quiet, she didn’t smile and laugh like she had done before and whilst Gerard knew the reason for it, he didn’t quite know how to solve the problem. He didn’t want to talk to Cesc, if he could have had things his own way, he would have never seen the midfielder again, but he knew that he couldn’t avoid it, be it on international duty or when Chelsea arrived to play Barcelona, he was going to have to deal with him and it was something which set him on edge.

Esmé who had been typing up messages for Luis Enrique, shook her head. “Eloisa and Ella are coming by in an hour. They want to take me to lunch” she noted gently, her eyes not moving away from the computer screen.

Gerard let out a small sigh, but nodded. “Alright. Will I see you later?” he posed, trying not to let his slight annoyance fade into his voice. He knew that she was upset, they were going in circles and seemed to show little sign of stopping, but he didn’t see the need for the silent treatment. It wasn’t going to accomplish anything and merely served to make an awkward situation worse.

Esmé nodded. “Of course you will” she noted, lifting her head a little “I’ll be home later this afternoon” she added, her doe brown eyes looking up at him.

Gerard nodded. “Are you sure? I mean, you did stay with your madre last night” he reasoned, trying to hold his tongue. He didn’t want to start a fight, he doubted that they would recover if they had a proper one, but it was starting to get at him. She was blanking him, whether it was intentional or not, and he was starting to get a little irked by it.

“I will be home, Gerard” Esmé noted “I only stayed with my mother last night because the journey back was too long. I did call and tell you” she reasoned.

“After I had cooked for you” the defender returned.

Esmé rolled her eyes gently. “Do you have a problem?” she muttered, pushing her seat a little away from the desk.

Gerard straightened. “You know what, I do” he muttered, quietly closing the door so that they were kept hidden from those who wandered past the office “I know that I am the problem, Esmé, I know that my issues with Cesc get at you, but there has been no need to treat me like I have the plague for the last week. I admit it, I overreacted, but you’re not exactly being rational” he spat.

Esmé shook her head gently. “I am tired, Gerard” she noted, her voice soft and a little frustrated “I want to put this behind us” she added.

“Then why are you behaving like this?” he squeaked “Nena, I just want things to be normal” he protested gently. He knew what the issue was, it was the same issue that had plagued them from the outset, but he didn’t see the need to fixate on it. It only flared up in moments, instances where the midfielder was mentioned, and he wanted things to calm down. It’d only been a week, but already he missed the way things had been between him and Esmé before the Champions League draw had been made.

“It’s what I want too, Gerard, you know that” she returned softly “But things just don’t feel right, right now” she added gently.

“How?” Gerard pressed “A week ago, things were fantastic and now they’re not because I don’t love the idea of hanging around your ex? Why don’t I just go and call Shakira and see how much you love that” he muttered.

“You’re being ridiculous” Esmé muttered, trying to not let him get to her.

“And you’re not?” Gerard retorted, leaning over the desk a little “So what if I hate you ex? Surely you should be thrilled that I don’t want to lose you to another man” he added.

“That’s not my problem with you” Esmé shot back “I don’t care about your feeling towards Cesc, in fact, I am glad that you’re not as close as you used to be, but the way you act when he comes up is ridiculous. You seem to have it in your head that as soon as Cesc enters the equation, I would drop you in an instant. It escapes you that you’re more than just the man I love, you’re the best friend I have ever had and I don’t know how many more times I can repeat that to you. I am tired, Gerard, tired of feeling the need to reaffirm my feelings for you, and in the last week I have pulled away a little if only to preserve myself. In the next month, you’re going to see him, you have internationals and then the first leg against Chelsea and I have no idea how you’re going to behave” she spat. She knew that it wasn’t the best explanation, he deserved more of an effort from her, but she couldn’t force herself to act like she was perfectly OK. He made her wonder if he had any faith in her and she knew the next month would be defining for them, if they made it through it at all.

Gerard sighed. “I can be professional” he murmured.

“You can also get worked up at the flick of a switch. You’re unpredictable, Geri, and whilst I love that about you, it means I can’t be sure of how the next month is going to go. I want to be Ok, I want to marry you and have a life, but we can’t do that if this is how things are going to be. You don’t have faith in me, in our relationship, and I think that, for the foreseeable future at least…”

“You’re kidding me” Gerard interjected, his face forming an expression of shock and pain.

“You need to learn to put your faith in me. I have it in you, in us, but I don’t think you do. Mi amor, I want to be with you…”

“You’ve got a funny way of showing it” he mumbled.

“Gerard” Esmé whispered, climbing out of her seat.

“Surely what I have given to you is enough” he whispered, his eyes glancing at her for a second.

“I want you” Esmé whispered “I want my goofy best friend back, the one who teased me and made me smile like no one else. I don’t want the man who seems to have it in his head that I would drop him for Cesc if he clicked his fingers. Perhaps this time apart will do you good” she suggested softly.

“Or it could make things inexplicably worse. You’re overreacting” he muttered.

“Perhaps” Esmé replied softly, her hands resting on his stubble covered cheeks “But I don’t want to be stuck in a relationship with a man who can only see me as the ex of his friend. You knew what I was coming into this and whilst I admit, it is probably dramatic, maybe this is the wake-up call that you need to stop seeing me that way. I want to love you Gerard, I want to marry you, but I need a little more from you” she whispered before she placed her lips over his, kissing him gently. Gerard leant into her, trying to persuade her to reconsider, but Esmé pulled back. “Eloisa’s offered me a room for the next couple of weeks” she whispered as she stepped back, gently wiping her cheeks.

Gerard nodded his head stoically. “Do you want me to pack some of your things?” he mumbled.

Esmé shook her head. “I’ll come by later and do it” she whispered.

“Alright” Gerard mused, trying not the let his emotions cloud his voice.

Esmé sighed and leant up, kissing his cheek. “I don’t want this to be forever” she whispered.

“I don’t want it to be now” Gerard replied, holding her against him for a moment.

Esmé sniffed and kissed his cheek once more before she gently pulled herself away, skittering out of the office. She knew that it was dramatic, when things between them were good, they were amazing, but she wanted to get through to him. She was more than Cesc’s ex, she wasn’t going to go running the second the other man clicked his fingers, and Gerard needed to see that. If he didn’t, then she didn’t know what they could do.