Love Me Until My Heart Stops

09: How Can You Say That?

Rubbing her eyes, Esmé peeked around her room, her sleepy eyes landing on the alarm clock which sat on her bedside table, its neon green numbers showing that it was just past one in the morning. Sighing, she kicked the comforter off of her feet and padded down the hall, quickly pulling open the front door which ceased the irritating knocking which had filled the apartment. “What could you possibly want?” she mumbled, stifling a yawn in her hand.

“I wanna talk to you” Cesc’s voice slurred.

Esmé lifted her head. “What are you doing here?” she murmured “I thought I was clear with you when you showed up unannounced earlier” she added, her dark eyes narrowing on him.

Cesc shook his head. “You didn’t give me…me a chance to explain” he rambled.

“I gave you a chance to explain” she murmured, tugging her hoodie a little around herself “I gave you a shot at it and you decided that it was OK to blame me for you cheating on me, Cesc. I don’t really know what else you want to say to me” she noted.

Cesc steadied himself a little against the door frame before he looked up at her, causing her stomach to give its usual flip. Mad at him or not, she couldn’t deny that there was still something there. She couldn’t just pretend that any feelings she had towards him had dissipated in the face of the sight of him and the other woman. “I want…I want to say that I love you” he noted, his words slurred and a little uncertain.

Esmé shook her head. “You’ve been drinking” she stated, eyeing his disapprovingly “Do you have any idea how stupid that is? What is you got seen? You’re supposed to be playing Swansea in 3 days” she muttered, hauling him into the apartment and shutting the door.

“I miss you, Esmé” he rambled “I miss you” he repeated.

Esmé shook her head and sat him on the couch, quickly moving to fix him a glass of water that she quickly delivered into his hand. “Drink it” she murmured “And then try and get some sleep” she added before she moved to step out of the room, but Cesc was quicker, his hand seizing her wrist and pulling her back to him which caused her to stumble, somehow ending up beside him, his arms holding her in place.

“Listen to me” Cesc mumbled.

“Give me one good reason to” Esmé returned, her expression firm.

“Because you’re not a heartless bitch” Cesc replied “And, despite being angry, I know you still care” he added, gesturing to the half-drunk glass of water which was sat in his hand.

“It’s water” Esmé pointed out “It’s nothing special” she added.

“You could have slammed the door in my face” he reasoned, shrugging a little.

“What do you want to say, Cesc?” Esmé posed, sighing.

Cesc thought for a second before he looked up at her, his eyes scanning over her face as though it was the first time he’d ever seen her. He knew that he had to say something, even if he was still a little surprised that he had actually managed to get into her home without much of a fight, but the words weren’t coming, something Esmé could read all over his face. “Why did you bother coming here, Cesc?” she mumbled, wiggling away from him “You clearly have nothing more to add to what you’ve already said and I am not in the mood to play this game with you” she sighed, moving back to her feet.

“I want to say sorry” Cesc stressed.

“You didn’t seem to want to say it before” Esmé countered.

“I miss you” he repeated for what felt like the hundredth time.

Esmé rolled her eyes. “Do you have another two sentences you want to trot out or is this the entire repertoire?” she muttered.

Cesc sighed. “I had so much I wanted to say to you” he murmured, peeking at her almost shyly “I had it planned out, I had it written down too, but after you blew me off earlier and Gerard made it clear that I should keep my distance, it kind of escaped me” he murmured.


“I was going to propose” he murmured, nodding ironically.

Esmé stilled. “What?” she squeaked.

Cesc shook his head. “I had been planning it for a little while. I spoke to your madre before we met up in America and I thought about doing it then, but then I thought it would be blindsiding you” he rambled.

Esmé listened to him speak, her eyes transfixed on him as though he was speaking a foreign language at her.

“I even spoke to Ella” he chuckled “She told me that I shouldn’t surprise you with it” he smiled.

Esmé shook her head. “Stop” she announced.

Cesc looked up. “Esmé…”

“Stop talking” she snapped, causing him to look down at his feet “How can you sit there and say that?” she whispered.

“Because I want you to see that I am serious about fixing this” Cesc replied “Esmé, I am not myself without you” he quipped.

Esmé shook her head. “Stop it” she demanded “Stop saying things like that. You don’t mean them” she added.

“Of course I do” he replied as he stood up, making his way towards her “You know that I love you, querida, you know that I would do anything for you and I just want to show that to you. I fucked up, I’ll admit it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to make it right” he added, his hand cupping her face in the manner that Gerard had merely hours before. Esmé let him do it, tripping over herself momentarily. “You know that we were good together” he whispered, moving to kiss her.

Esmé let him do it before her mind caught up, causing her to sharply push him back. “No” she squeaked.


“You don’t get to do that. You can’t stroll in here and kiss me like nothing ever happened. You fucked up, Cesc, you ruined whatever we have and that is something you have to carry around from now on, not me. I am not going to let you drag me back in” she hissed.

Cesc tried to keep his grip on her, but failed as Esmé yanked away from him sharply. “You had your chance, your one chance, and I am not about to give you another shot at screwing me over” she muttered “I don’t know how I can make it much clearer” she added.

Cesc took a breath before sighed. “Fine” he murmured “If that’s how you want to play it, fine, but the yelling doesn’t mean I want to stop” he muttered.

“Take it as a hint that you should” Esmé replied, gesturing towards the door.

Cesc took a few steps but stopped for a second, squeezing her elbow gently. “We’re good together” he noted “You know that” he added before he walked out of the door, slamming it for emphasis. Esmé shuddered at the loud thump before she padded back to her bed, regretting the second she had ever agreed to give them a shot in the first place.
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Thanks to Jayme112234 for the comment :)