Belonging to Lust

When it was time for lunch, Zaiyia deviated away from the cafeteria unlike everyone else to step outside where she agreed to meet up with Alice. She was strangely able to locate the blonde under a whole minute when she exited the back of the school in search of her and the elusive seating area not very many students knew even existed on their school grounds. The jittery girl sat waiting as patiently for her as she could muster. “Found you, girl!”

Alice looked up at Zaiyia and smiled at her in greeting. “Hey! I’m glad it wasn’t too much trouble for you to find this place. I totally would’ve understood if you needed me to come rescue you.”

“Seems I had luck on my side today.” Zaiyia told her as she helped herself to taking a seat across from Alice. Clasping her hands together on top of the cold stone table, she began. “So, what did you wanna talk so privately about?”

A very anxious Alice took a long moment to ready herself before uttering a single word. “Alan.”

Zaiyia’s brows furrowed in confusion. “What about him?”

Sighing shakily to herself, Alice ran her hands over the tops of her denim thighs to get the sweat off of her palms. She wanted to appear collected and together, but she couldn’t seem to impersonate it correctly. Embarrassment over her deficiency made her cheeks flush pink and so she tried to hide it behind the curtain of her blond hair by lowering her head.

Understanding that whatever it was that Alice needed to speak with her about was extremely tough, Zaiyia patiently assured her in a soft voice. “It’s alright, girl. Take your time. We got plenty of it so there is no need to rush yourself.”

But Alice wanted to rush herself, that was the problem! She desperately wanted to get what she had to say out of her system and into the open so maybe it would stop ruthlessly plaguing her like some attached specter. Combing both hands through her hair, she held the glossy strands back as she closed her eyes and took several deep breaths. When she felt even a tiny bit grounded again, she impatiently sprinted into action. “I’m still in love with Alan!”

“Okay.” Zaiyia replied nonchalantly with a nod of her head. She wasn’t the least bit taken aback because she already knew that Alice was still stubbornly in love with Alan. It was nothing new. In fact, at first she wanted to respond with an emphatic ‘DUH!’ but she didn’t think the blond would take kindly to that boisterous remark.

“Wait, just okay? That’s all you have to say?” Alice asked Zaiyia with a frown. To be honest, she was expecting more of an amplified response than that. This was MAJOR news, wasn’t it?

“Yeah, just okay.” Zaiyia nodded once again, this time it was followed by a casual shrug.

“Did…did you already know that I was in love with him?” Alice stammered, not believing that this wasn’t a bombshell to Zaiyia. There had to be an explanation as to why she was so impassive about it, and the only one she could come up with was that her friend somehow already knew about it.

“Pretty much. You’re not as subtle as you think you are.” Zaiyia admitted, feeling a bit bad that she wasn’t reacting the way Alice expected her to. She felt like she took the wind out of her sail a bit, but it’s not like she meant to. Unless you were blind or just didn’t care to ever look Alice’s way, you’d know she was still tragically infatuated over Alan.

Groaning to herself, Alice covered her face with her hands. She was even more embarrassed than before because she was so readable! Dropping her hands onto her lap, she lamented to Zaiyia all the while looking like she was on the verge of tears. “Goddamit, I have tried everything, Zaiyia! Everything to move on from him! I’ve talked to other guys that I knew had a crush on me in the past or still do, and even texted them after school and on the weekends! I tried reading those guide books on how to embrace being a single woman in the library and even went so far as to change my music playlist on my phone to only be hits on being single, loving yourself and putting yourself first! And don’t get me started on those episodes of Oprah on Youtube either!”

“What does Oprah gotta do with being single?” Zaiyia inquired with an arch brow. Privately in her head, she thought to herself ‘damn, not even Oprah can help this poor girl.’

“I don’t know, I was just desperate for some kind of guidance at the time!” Alice complained, dismissing the subject with a wave of her hand only to continue it again. “And I hear a lot of people swearing on her all the time so I thought why not?”

“Okay, you know what? Let’s forget all about Oprah for a second.” Zaiyia suggested, holding up her hands to signal a pause in their discussion. “I wanna go back to what’s going on with you. You’re still in love with Alan, right?”

“Yeah…I am.” Alice whispered, staring down at her lap where her limp cold hands sat. She was ashamed of expressing her feelings about Alan, feelings that should’ve been discontinued long ago but were still as resilient and strong as ever before for some bizarre reason. Perhaps she was cursed. Cursed to love that man who broke her heart forever.

“Okay so…is this a feeling you think will fade away someday?” Zaiyia began to interrogate. She kept herself chilled and her tone low and calm enough so Alice wouldn’t get agitated and decide to back out on this critical discussion. Zaiyia already knew Alice loved Alan, but for the first time ever she was getting a verbal admission of it, something she’d been needing for so long in order to confidently help Alan. “Like a bump in the road that once you get over it’ll be smooth sailing from there on out.”

Looking absolutely defeated, Alice’s frown deepened as she kept her eyes down. “I-I honestly don’t know, Zaiyia. I wish I did.”

So much for keeping Alice calm and comfortable. Zaiyia didn’t believe that she didn't know how serious her feelings for Alan were. She knew, but was too humiliated to admit it because it would make her look pitiful and hopeless. And right now, Zaiyia couldn’t let herself dance around the fragile girl, not when she needed to get ALL the juicy details. “Are you sure? I kinda get the feeling you’re not being 100% with me right now.”

Letting out a sigh of impatience, Alice once again ran her fingers through her hair, this time out of irritation. There she went, being readable once again! At this point, an open book was harder to read than her! “No, damnit! No, I don’t think I’ll ever move on from this nagging feeling for Alan!”

Zaiyia wanted BADLY to ask Alice about getting back with Alan. It was literally on the tip of her tongue, but she didn’t know if she should say it because she understood it was a delicate topic to broach upon the fragile girl. But damnit, she had to! Giving Alice a moment to calm back down as she once again kept her docile demeanor and low tranquil tone when she spoke again. “Alright, girl. Imma need you to brace yourself for the next question I’m fixing to ask you, okay?”

Alice winced as if she somehow knew what Zaiyia was about to ask her. Only she didn’t. Taking another deep breath, she lifted her eyes to look at her friend who looked in such better shape than she presently was. Literally, Zaiyia was glowing and undeniably stunning not only today, but every single day! Alice wished she looked the same way, but no, she was stuck looking like a feral monstrosity who lived in a cave up the mountains somewhere. She looked like hell, but that was only because she was living in it. Not wishing to hear Zaiyia’s question, but feeling like she should, Alice gave her a nod to go ahead.

Zaiyia should’ve been glad that Alice was agreeing to answer her next question, but she wasn't. As much as she needed all the answers her friend could impart to her, she didn’t want to upset her more than she already was. For some reason, her next question sounded like it would do just that. Having to ask it anyway, Zaiyia tentatively inquired. “Have you ever thought about…getting back together with Alan?”

At first, Alice was stunned by what Zaiyia said, her blue eyes gaping at her. She almost didn’t believe she heard her question correctly until she recited it in her head several times in a row. And nope, she heard her right. Becoming insulted by Zaiyia’s suggestion, her hands tightened on the edge of the stone table as she glared at someone she once viewed as her friend. “Are you fucking serious?!”

“Well…” Zaiyia only managed to get out before Alice’s next action cut her off.

Alice suddenly jumped to her feet, backing away from the table as she began to pace and list all the reasons why she wouldn’t dare ever get back together with Alan again! “That asshole fucking dumped me, Zaiyia! And do I have to remind you that he only did that because wanted to get with you instead? And in his pursuits of trying to hook up with you, he ignored me like I wasn’t even there. Never had he ever treated me like that before, never, not even when we fought! I literally didn’t exist anymore to him, Zaiyia! It was like he got what he wanted out of me and no longer needed me to exist in his world!”